I worked in residential life in college and grad school. Some people room with their friends and their friendship changes or ends. Other people room with their friends and maintain their friendship or grow closer. I’m still friends with all of my prior roommates, even though I had a serious mismatch of lifestyles with at least one of them. It’s really all about how you live and your personalities, but best friends are no more likely than stranger roommates to have conflicts, and may even be less likely.
That said, I remember all through senior year variably discussing with various classmates about going to X College together and being roommates, taking the same classes, and/or joining the same clubs. Few of them panned out. Most of us ended up going our separate ways. Some went to the same university because they went to our public flagships, and if they wanted to maintain relationships they did, otherwise they did not. In fact, some of the ones who were really tight friends and went to far-flung universities actually may have stayed closer to each other than the ones who were close geographically.
How do you know they are compatible? Have they shared living quarters before? I have many good friends that I would hate to have as roommates. I was actually surprised at how little I ended up seeing of my high school friends in college - there were seven other students from a class of 80 there.
But these kids aren’t in high school together, just have some other connection. May be a great thing. I had a friend I met the first year of girl scout camp, and we always went to camp together for the next 5-6 years. The camp was full of kids from my town, but I always paired with this girl.
The post above that said to just point out the good and bad of both schools and let the daughter decide is best. As long as the choice about the school is the right one, who she rooms with is a minor decision.
If your D and her friend do end up going to the same university, I would gently encourage them to take some roommate compatibility quizzes or questionnaires (lots available online, and their chosen college may even have some resources on this topic) before making a final decision about being roommates. If your D refuses to do that, you’ll probably need to just let it go and hope for the best.
As far as university choice being influenced by the friend situation, it sounds as if your D likes both colleges and will get a great education at either. I wouldn’t worry about the friend tipping the balance; even if they grow apart in college your D will still be in a good place.
D and friend just spent 9th grade together, then friend moved away. Friend has lived most of her life in Europe, and she and D love to practice their multiple languages with each other. They’ve kept in close contact and see each other once a year or so. So, they don’t really have the common HS experience, but their interests, priorities, and attitudes about life are very similar. I don’t know how this would translate to roommate compatibility. I will do my best to just help D consider all sides of this. It has to be scary to move to another country, so I can understand wanting to have a partner to cling to through the transition. I don’t think she really understands how quickly she will make friends in college, though.
D is leaving Sunday for a two week program at McGill. Friend will not be there. I’m eager to see how D’s outlook on everything changes with this experience.
Roommate compatibility- one goes to bed promptly at 11 pm, wakes up at 6, likes to make her own smoothie before heading out to the gym. The other goes to bed by at least 1 or 2 during the week, sleeps until 10 and needs dark and quiet.
One likes to “tidy as she goes” during the week, with a full hour of real cleaning on the weekend. She hangs her clothes up when she takes them off, does laundry once a week, buys toothpaste in bulk so she never runs out. The other shoves dirty clothes under the bed when friends come over-- otherwise it sits in a pile outside the closet.
Etc.
Most roommate conflicts have nothing to do with interests, priorities and attitudes about life (not to mention speaking the same languages) and have EVERYTHING to do with the little annoying things that people who live in very close quarters end up doing. My best roommate experience in college was with someone who was very pleasant but we did not share a single thing- no interests, no activities, no mutual friends. But she was possibly the most easy-going person in the whole world, not critical, quiet, had a couple of close friends with whom she socialized OUTSIDE THE DORM. We both liked a room which was pretty clean but untidy didn’t bother us (i.e. vacuum up something that spills, wipe down a sticky surface, but don’t stress about a pile of papers on the floor).
It’s more about the lifestyle/habits/cleaning and less about long term goals.
DD’16 is at school far from home. Coincidentiaaly a very good childhood friend, whom she did not have contact with during HS, also ended up at this far away school. They considered rooming together. The other girl’s Mom thought it was a good idea. I suggested that they live apart as Freshman, but if things didn’t turn out well to consider requesting a dorm change at the semester and they always could live together as sophmores and beyond. I have heard more than one horror story about the loss of friendships, particularly girls, when close friends become roomies.That is why I was reluctant and because I thought it would be good for them to branch out and make new friends.
They did not choose to live together. DD was very fortunate with her random roomie, they will be living together as sophomores. The friend…was not so fortunate. She did end up asking for a dorm reassignment at the semester and actually moved into the room directly across from my DD which happened to open up when two girls dropped out! So it ended up working out. DD, roomie and friend + her new roomie tried to get a quad together for next year but alas were not able to secure a quad. Friend and roomie will be returning to the same dorm. DD and roomie are across campus. I suspect they will all come together in an apartment Jr year.
I know all of the respondents mean well. But I would let her make her own decision. I would ask her questions to see whats being factored in. If you feel she is leaning too heavily on the friend thing…then just ask if she is open to a different way of looking at it. In my experience working with youth…they don’t particularly love the whole …they probably wont be your friend after freshman year. She has to have her own experiences and decisions. You are there to support and offer advice and guidance. You raised her well I’m sure she will ultimately choose the one that feels the best to her and if it happens to be the one where the friend goes…sae la vie
I would just help her figure out what is best for her. I’m a big fan of a “pro-con” chart. I still do that for myself sometimes, and sometimes you are only halfway through and you know that there is an obvious choice.
FWIW, which isn’t much, here’s my tale. My wife and her best friend were college roommates as freshmen. Both super excited, they did everything together in high school, knew each other’s good and bad habits already, should be perfect. By the time the year ended they were so frustrated with each other that they probably didn’t speak for 15 years. Of course, others have the opposite experience. My point is mainly that while this seems like a huge factor it may be a positive or it may be a negative, and there is really no way to know until the decision has already been made.