College A and College B are both good choices for D18 and admission to both is very likely. Both are very far from home. D’s good friend (currently living in another state) will likely go to College A. She and D would surely be roommates if they both chose this school. D would be going in cold to College B. Everything else being equal, do I encourage D to follow her friend to College A, or blaze her own trail to College B, or keep my mouth shut and let her figure out what’s best for her? Please tell me about your and your children’s experiences.
Let her figure it out herself. She is the one going to college. Truthfully…she needs to make this decision…and own it.
Why would they be roommates at College A?
Just help her think it through, ALL the pros and cons. Play devil’s advocate equally. then let her decide.
I will add, I think it is easier for kids to “go away” if they know someone. I’d help her see how outgoing, afraid, etc. she may be.
Are both colleges good fits in terms of affordability, academic offerings, and other characteristics? If so, then is the issue that you have some objection to or disapproval of the friend in particular?
That’s a good point, @blossom. D has mentioned in the past that if a friend happened to go to the school she chose, it would be really nice to have a roommate she trusted. This friend would be in a different major, so they wouldn’t be together all the time.
Some kids transition better if there is a familiar face, while others don’t seem to need it. Every student is different.
I agree that she needs to figure it out and make this decision on her own. You could certainly help her think it through, but it should be her decision.
She needs to figure it out herself. Provide ideas if she asks, be a sounding board, but don’t push either way. She has to own this.
Also, lots can happen: college A becomes unaffordable, friend doesn’t get in or chnages her mind, they stop being such good friends…
I’d help her sort this through assuming that she had a plain vanilla roommate like everyone else.
If she decides that having a friend as a roommate is a positive thing (and many times it’s not- so she needs to consider how that scenario would go) then she can add that into the mix.
But I’d be asking my kid to evaluate the schools on the basis of everything else, absent the roommate business. What happens if the roommate gets mono in October and has to take a leave of absence? What happens if the roommate transfers after Freshman year? What happens if roommates parents have some financial reversals and can’t afford to pay tuition- even after the deposit has been put down?
I’d encourage my kid to keep the friend who is or is not a roommate out of the equation. Stuff happens and if your D is assuming that they’'ll move to college, be besties, she’ll never have a bad day- you can remind her that this is NOT a likely scenario even though it might happen that way in the movies.
@ucbalumnus Yes, both schools are great fits and are very affordable. McGill and UBC, linguistics or CogSci major. D’s a dual citizen, living in mid-America. She has visited both. D claimed a few months ago that UBC was her top choice, but it’s all up in the air again now.
And we parents have no reservations about this friend. They are very compatible.
Being compatible doesn’t mean that living together is the right decision. Sometimes the BFF’s are no longer speaking by midterms-- so you need to help your D make a college decision without assuming anything about the friend’s plans or future.
Unfortunately, the way it works is you don’t pick them, they pick you. I think it’s great to have possibilities and to dream, but in the end, wait to see which selective college selects your student. By then, things change. Maybe friend won’t get in to college A, and maybe your student will. There are a lot of twists and turns to what is college admissions today. Take it all in, but if you are at the start of the journey, expect the unexpected!
@preppedparent I agree, that is the case with US universities, but admissions at Canadian schools is stats-driven. In this case, D’s stats (and I’m sure her friend’s) are well above the cutoffs. Still, D is relieved to have three Canadian schools that she loves (throwing UToronto in there, too), just in case!
sorry, SB, I didn’t realize these were Canadian. my bad. Carry on! In that case, I think your daughter should decide what she wants. It’s her choice that she must live with.
I would not encourage her one way or another.
When I was a college student in the 1990s, I saw many friendships end because two high school besties became roommates. Cautionary tale.
I think I would tell her that friends don’t always make the best roommates. The main issue isn’t affinity, but compatibility of lifestyle. If they have the same living habits, they’ll be fine, but if not, life together might ruin their friendship. I know this from sad experience with my sophomore year roommate.
“McGill and UBC, linguistics or CogSci major. D’s a dual citizen, living in mid-America. …
And we parents have no reservations about this friend. They are very compatible.”
Two superb schools. Two attractive locations. By US standards for a dual citizen both are a bargain. Either is going to be an academic challenge.
I think that these are two great choices. I would let the student decide (she is going to need to live there, do the homework, take the exams, …).
My niece and her BFF applied to many of the same colleges and attended the same one. They were roommates all 4 years except for the time they were both on semester abroad (at the same time, and met up several times). The friend went to law school in DC and my niece just happened to end up with a job there. Still best friends.
My sister was very much against them rooming together, but it worked out.
My very good friend from hs was roommates with her BFF. They also lived together for all 4 years and even had the same major. They haven’t spoken since senior year because their boyfriends had a big (big) fight and it couldn’t be mended (one also went to high school with us) . Both married these guys, so it wasn’t just a casual thing. The one who had gone to high school with use had a mental health issue that caused a lot of problems.
No way to tell what will happen.
Many kids find that as they grow at college, having people around who knew them in high school is an impediment. I would mention this, simply as a possibility - for either one of them - , so that she can see that this could be a negative or a positive. One of them may want to distance from the other. The decision should be hers. You don’t want blame for everything that doesn’t unfold smoothly at her choice.