Dave Berry explores how involved parents should be in the college application process: https://www.collegeconfidential.com/articles/a-parents-place-in-the-college-quest/
Shouldn’t the parents’ #1 priority be to make the financial plan and inform the student of the cost constraints before the application list is made?
I agree @ucbalumnus that there should be full disclosure ahead of time so there is no misunderstanding if a student will have to take out loans and what that will mean to them in the future. I have seen a few kids get into their top choice with barely any aid and now are buried in debt. The parents let them apply everywhere they wanted without fully explaining that there were just some choices they couldn’t afford. Now one friend is over 100K in debt. And they had good instate options. This needs to be worked out ahead of time.
It agree. The first responsibility is to determine what you as parents are willing to contribute to to y our child’s education. Since the process has evolved so much since we were applying to universities I think it necessary to understand how things work and are different in regards to cost, standards, processes such as common application etc. Underestimating the cost of college, and not understanding how financial aid and merit aid work make it difficult to determine what may be realistic when your child applies to colleges. I don’t think parents need to be involved with choosing colleges beyond ensuring your child has a good safety unless they want your input.
In my opinion, the parents’ primary responsibility is to know their child & to listen to his or her concerns.
Beyond this first, and most important, duty is to make sure that the student is aware of the different types of applications–rolling admission, SCEA, EA, ED & RD–and their implications.
Financial concerns next. Third, not first.
But involvement of parents in the college application process should have begun many years before by encouraging healthy study & lifestyle habits.
"In my opinion, the parents’ primary responsibility is to know their child & to listen to his or her concerns.
I agree with this.
"Beyond this first, and most important, duty is to make sure that the student is aware of the different types of applications–rolling admission, SCEA, EA, ED & RD–and their implications.
Financial concerns next. Third, not first."
I think it’s important for parents to understand all aspects of the process for the purpose of being able to discuss the financial side of this decision. There are legitimate reasons for applying SCEA, EA, ED or RD or rolling admissions for that matter and I think understanding them is important. However, I don’t see it as more important than the student understanding the financial situation. How a student chooses to apply will directly be related to their financial constraints. For a student to attend a university two things need to happen, they need to be accepted and it needs to be affordable. The first part is on them, the parent is normally going to play a huge part in the second.
“But involvement of parents in the college application process should have begun many years before by encouraging healthy study & lifestyle habits.”
I agree with this with one addition. I think it’s important that the student want to attend college rather than feel it’s expected. I think the desire can be nourished more so than created.
While that may be a luxury for those who can comfortably pay list price everywhere but who may think it is nice to see a lower price, getting a handle on the finances early in the process is mandatory for the vast majority of families who will face a hard limit on college spending. Otherwise, the big let-down in April of senior year can be ugly.
@ucbalumnus : I think that you have misinterpreted my post above.
How much parents should be involved depends on the parent and the student. Some kids need a lot more parental involvement then others. That said I don’t think parents should be uninvolved either. Parents need to be clear about the financial aspect and if the kid is expected to take out loans, get scholarships, work, etc. All in all there is no one size fits all solution…
@ucbalumnus : Maybe my post above will be more clear if I had included the fourth step = apply to schools.
Therefore, the financial discussion has occurred prior to filing applications. I just disagree with college being relegated to primarily being a financial concern. While finances are important, college is first & foremost a life changing educational experience.
I have a good friend who took a total hands-off approach with his kid. He ended up going to a good school in a tough major. Both the school and the major were bad fits. He didn’t return sophomore year and is currently taking classes at the local community college. Not the end of the world, and I think things will work out in the end, but I know my friend deeply regrets not getting more involved in process. He feels he could have helped his son better understand what he was getting himself into and perhaps steered him toward a school and major that were better fits.
For most kids, I think the process is too much to handle alone. Sure, someone has the wonder kid who can manage it, but the reality is it is a huge financial, emotional, social etc decision.
My S19 has communicated with us throughout the process. We helped him research schools, discussed majors, have had lengthy talks about his goals. He understands the financial aspect of the decision. Once he has all of his acceptances in front of him, I’m sure he’ll want our opinion.
This is what worked for us.
My #1 role as a parent (going through this for the fourth and final time) is to be the nagger. About deadlines, essays, test prep. etc.
I also play a large role in compiling college lists, planning tours, etc. I think it is common and fine to take this level of involvement.
Most families will have financial limits, so parents should know before the search process (and before determining whether ED is a realistic option) what they are, so that they do not encourage the student in expensive directions and have to back out of any explicit or implied promises later, or send the student to a college where the life-changing experience of huge (co-signed) debt will be the main result.
For example, try not to be like this parent:
Summer between 11th and 12th grade: “Money is not a factor in the decision.”
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-search-selection/1789885-best-schools-for-math-comp-sci-with-undergrad-research.html
Later, student has been admitted EA to an expensive private school that is his first choice: “The problem is the money.” Note that the list in the previous thread was mostly of comparably-expensive schools, with a few less expensive in-state publics.
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1866912-need-advice-on-college-choice-etc-p1.html
Note that the article linked in post #0 barely mentions parental cost limitations at all.
@ucbalumnus : Again, you are misinterpreting my posts.
I never get involved in my kid’s schoolwork (other than advises on course selections, and topics outside and beyond his HS curriculum), but I do get involved in his college search and planning. I know some kids do that on their own, but I don’t think kids in HS have the necessary knowledge and experiences to navigate the convoluted world of college admissions. Has the process become overly complicated? Absolutely yes.
Also as a parent of a theatre major and a music major – for conservatories parent involvement is a must just to manage the prescreens, sample lessons, and auditions…scheduling gets pretty crazy and for a kid to do it all on their own would be so stressful.
It also depends on the kid – one of mine was sure of the type of school they wanted (conservatory only) and the other wasn’t so sure, so as parents we made sure they were able to visit a variety of local schools and a few out of states to get a feel for the different types of schools.
Really a parent’s place in the college quest is not much different than their place in other parts of the child’s life. A parent is a teacher and a provider of information. A the child gets older you become less a teacher and more a guide.
My wife and I have one basic rule about our children. They must be able to live independently and support themselves once they are an adult. What they do with their lives is up to them. We only ask they try their best, but we aren’t going to force them to do certain things.
So when the college process rolled around I got myself caught up with all the latest info and passed that along to my D19. We told her the constraints which are basically financial. Then we pointed out the options. She knows she has some longshots in terms of getting accepted and being able to pay for them. But she has options that will work.
We really only made two requests in terms of where to apply. One was solely to have a financial match. The other is a school we are hoping to play against her #1 choice. If my longshot plan works I will be genius otherwise I will be normal goofy Dad.
We decided a long time ago making teenagers do certain things is almost impossible. Teaching them why it might be a good idea is better.
Every family is different and every kid is different. The idea that there is one approach that is more ethical or “correct” than another is hard for me to accept. For some kids/families, the helicopter approach is appropriate (and maybe even appreciated). Other families may have take-charge kids who want to do all the legwork and are perfectly organized. (Haven’t met any of those kids myself, but I am sure they are out there).
You know your kids, and you know this is a tremendously difficult process with an (usually) expensive result. Handle it how your parental instincts tell you and experts be damned.
There is no one answer…and the role is dictated by the relationship between the parents and the child. I worked with two sons going to college. The first son has always said that, without my guidance, he would have been clueless based upon his guidance counselor advice (full disclosure - we were living in Japan and he was at an international school). He was accepted to several top 25 schools, and made a good choice based on that. My second son benefited from an excellent college counselor at a competitive private school. My role was really to provide early exposure, and to help think about the options. We went through the complete top 50 school list discussing preferences and then visited 23 schools starting early in Junior year (we only visited two schools with our older son). We developed a strategy based on ED or EA options, and in his case with no clear ED preferences, we went very heavily into EA options. Actually visiting schools was REALLY CRITICAL to ultimately shaping applications. Schools that seem similar on paper can be very different in person. He got in EA to a number of high quality schools (Notre Dame, Michigan, Boston College, McGill - not EA but early), and then had the option to lob some applications into several reach schools.
Bottom line, we had a plan that we all had bought into and worked through it together. One of the really big benefits of starting college visits early is that our son, (i) got to hear first hand what was important for college admissions and (ii) developed an affinity for certain schools and therefore the motivation to work hard in his Junior and Senior year.
With the right approach, the college search process can actually be an important bonding event for parents and children. I love my sons and am proud of them, and am glad to support them in their explorations and choices.
As just noted above…“experts be damned”. Follow your best instincts!