A tricky situation

Parents Forum
21

<p>I was drifting around and casting about for years at her age. If she's suicidal she needs help. Otherwise, she probably just needs to put one foot in front of the other. One path leads to the next. For me, I had to try a lot of things I didn't want to do before I found something I did. I went from nursing school (great way to support yourself and do something satisfying) to a masters degree in psych to eventually a Ph.D. Must have driven my poor Mom crazy drifting from place to place and job to job.</p>

<p>banana</p>

<p>You're a nice friend to care so much.</p>

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<p>Hey guys, </p>

<p>Thanks so much for your responses! This is why I love the parents forum the most. </p>

<p>It looks like my roomie is going to return to UCSD winter quarter, suck it up, choose SOMETHING to major in, get good grades, and then transfer. I'm bummed: we are close and see things very similarly, but she is really running out of options. </p>

<p>To answer some questions, she has NO IDEA what she wants to major in, so her classes are really random. A little chemistry, a little psychology, a little music, a little spanish, a little political science...she's done it all. </p>

<p>Citygirlsmom, thank you SO MUCH for contributing to this thread. I am 19, of "college" age, but I am sort of taking time off and working a full time job, volunteering, and taking 1 college class at a CSU. Am I a failure? I certainly hope not. Do I plan to finish school in 4 years? No way! My life is amazing right now. I haven't felt this good for 5 years. I've been through my share of bad experiences. I have been diagnossed as clinically depressed for many years, and only recently have I found a good med. I have panic disorder, and I've dabbled in eating disorders and self-harm. This is part of the reason I am taking things slowly and attending to my needs and trying to ignore the blaring expectations of others. Maybe I won't even graduate, but quite frankly, if I am this happy the rest of my life, I couldn't care less whether or not I have a piece of paper that proclaims the fact that I sat through and did work in classes that a certain program deemed necessary for me. </p>

<p>A lot of times I think that "sucess" and "failure" are very distorted on this forum. I can say that I think I've met much more successful people in the last four monthes, working at the Casino that I am working at than those that I met last year at my top five LAC. According to CC, I was a success in high school: I was the valedictorian, I got above a 4.0, I got a near perfect score on the SAT, I took and did well in AP Classes, I started a club, I was on a varsity team for 4 years and competed nationally, but guess what. I was miserable. </p>

<p>Another thing that I think some of you fail to understand is that this girl was a straight A student in high school (she did afterall get into UCSD) and was a high acheiver. All of a sudden, college came along, she lost direction, and she started failing. Basically, she fell of a cliff and is trying to climb back up, but its hard and transfering gets difficult when you've been through a rough patch. There aren't a lot of second chances in this world, which is understandable, but a bit too bad in some situations. </p>

<p>She has seen the college career counselor a few times, but he isn't that helpful. </p>

<p>Sorry for this semi rant, I just need to get this off my chest. Phewwwwwww.</p>

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<p>"Another thing that I think some of you fail to understand is that this girl was a straight A student in high school (she did afterall get into UCSD) and was a high acheiver. All of a sudden, college came along, she lost direction, and she started failing. "</p>

<p>What may have happened to her is that before college, she worked hard to please her parents and teachers and to get into a good college. She was a good girl who did what she was told and what she believed society and her family wanted. In other words, she made decisions by what she thought would please other people, but she didn't get to know herself and her own interests. </p>

<p>In college, however, the field was much wider in that, for instance, she couldn't figure out what courses to take by doing what she thought would get her into a "successful" (by what she felt others' definitions were) life after college. After all, different careers and professional schools require different undergraduate courses and extracurriculars.</p>

<p>Without having a clear path determined by others, she was forced to figure out things for herself, and since she has no clue of what she's interested in -- indeed she probably has been ignoring her natural interests in favor of doing things to impress/please others -- she just drifted.</p>

<p>It may be that if she takes some time off from college and gets to know herself, she'll be able to return to college with purpose, motivation and joy. It also may be that her natural interests will not lead to college, which is OK, too.</p>

<p>What you're doing in your life sounds like a good thing. Taking time off to know yourself and to find out about the world is good preparation for the rest of one's life, no matter what one ends up doing. </p>

<p>As for "success," I like these definitions:</p>

<p>Success: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!
~Ralph Waldo Emerson</p>

<p>That man is successful who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much, who has gained the respect of the intelligent men and the love of children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had. ~Robert Louis Stevenson</p>

<p>There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way. ~Christopher Morley</p>

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<p>
[quote]
There aren't a lot of second chances in this world, which is understandable, but a bit too bad in some situations.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>banana, I second bethievt's applause for your being such a good friend to the girl we are discussing.</p>

<p>I also hesitate to post directly after NSM's post, which is so wise and beautiful.</p>

<p>But I just couldn't leave that particular thought quoted hanging out there. There are oh so many second chances in life. So many of us, who have a few decades of experience, have gone this way and that, tried new things, reversed direction or changed course. And had many second chances. True, there aren't the type of second chances which allow you to simply erase what has gone before as though it never happened. Which I know your friend was wishing she could do. But just be aware - there are second chances. You, yourself, seem to be happily living a type of second chance, having found your own path, which is working for you now. So glad you are enjoying it. Continue to enjoy. And continue to be a caring and wise friend.
-jmmom</p>