A tricky situation

Parents Forum
1

<p>I posted this in the transfer section, but I was hoping some of you parents, who always seems to have very reasonable advice, might lend an ear as well. </p>

<p>I am posting this for my roomate, who really has no idea what to do with her life at this point.</p>

<p>Last year she was a freshman at UCSD. She failed most of her courses and ended up leaving a quarter early with a 2.0. Now she is back home, living with me, working, and taking classes at the local University. She elected to take a few music classes, to try something different.</p>

<p>Her major issue is that she really don't know what she wants to do. She has no idea what career she will be interested in 5 years, and doesn't know what to major in. She is super indecisive and even though I tell her undergrad doesn't matter too much, she can't pick anything. She also gives up really easily and I am afraid she might fail and/or drop out of college again. She is miserable here and hates the fact that she is going to her local Uni. She wants bigger and better things. She is really smart and deserves better. She just lacks focus at this point. I am sort of urging her to take some time off and explore job possibilities, but I think she is afraid that she will loose more direction.</p>

<p>I am going to be trying to transfer to some Unis this year and she is hoping to follow suit, but is this even possible with her stats?</p>

<p>She really wishes she could just start college over again with a clean slate. She got into some really nice places as a freshman but now it looks like that won't happen again. Are there any Unis that are reasonably good that give you a second chance?</p>

<p>Any help is appreciated.</p>

2

<p>If her overall college gpa is now over 2.5, she can get into many places including Oregon, Arizona, etc. She can also get into a couple of UCs. She may also still be allowed to go back to UCSD.</p>

<p>If it is above 2.0, she can get into many Cal States, and some private schools.</p>

3

<p>Who is paying for her classes? I hope that her parents are expecting her to pay for her classes. That will help her develop responsibility and focus.</p>

<p>Similarly, if she decides to transfer, I hope her parents and you will let her do this work because then she'll take things seriously. If she transfers, she also needs to IMO be responsible for paying for her first semester.</p>

<p>There are plenty of places that will allow a student to transfer if they've done well in college classes after doing poorly before. However, if your roommate is truly interested in transfering, she needs to be doing the research to find out about where she can go.</p>

<p>There's also a big difference in taking classes just for fun and taking clases that one isn't that interested in, but that one has to take in order to fulfill requirements. To be successful in college, she has to be able to do the later. If you also are having to do the research, etc. to help her, then she's probably not ready to transfer.</p>

4

<p>It appears that your roommate could benefit from some psychotherapy which would help her figure out what is getting in the way of her being able to focus on her future and establishing realistic goals and objectives in her life. the fact that she wants "bigger and better" and yet struggles to engage in basic responsibilities at school is a disaster waiting to happen again and again in her life. Encourage her to seek some help.</p>

5

<p>Therapy sounds like a good idea. But I also think she should take some time off. Not only will working give her a better idea of what she wants to do when she grows up, or at least why she'd better off with a college degree, some time in the work force, might make it easier for her to get a somewhat clean slate if she wants to transfer to antoher college.</p>

6

<p>If she transfers, does she need to include her UCSD scores at all? I know some people who have had similar experiences end up going to a new school and never report their previous failure. Frankly, is it really any school's business?</p>

7

<p>but this dream world is very common for many children. Many youngsters dream of being a sports star, but expect to achieve it by putting in an average effort. After a while a child learns that average effort does not enable one to excel. My jr. high S wanted to be best at b-ball, but only practiced the same as all the other boys. No extra time or effort. College age is generally a transition, perhaps the last transition phase, of childhood to adulthood. Being over 18 does not an adult make, at least not as most adults define it. It is not extremely unusual your friend is still thinking like a child- wishing for a clean slate, desiring "more and better" but taking no real action to achieve it. It is unfortunate, but not unusual. One hopes every child reaches his/her potential, not all do.</p>

8

<p>I think that your jr high son discovered an important reality at the appropriate time--juniro high school. The OP's roommate is now a young adult and while people of this age still puruse dreams, some of which will never materialize, they balance their lives with meeting deadlines, bills, etc. Failure to take this step is out of sync with most her age.</p>

9

<p>jlauer95, a lot of schools have policies where they can kick you out if you don't submit all your previous transcripts. If they offer federal student aid, they have to have this policy because a student's eligibility is based on maintaining a certain overall GPA, so schools are responsible for finding out about previous grades. This is also how kids who withhold the information can get caught; their financial aid transcript won't match their academic one. Better for OP's roommate to go to a school that wants her for who she is than to take a chance on getting caught in a lie and expelled.</p>

<p>I agree with the posters who suggested counseling. Even a few sessions with a career counselor could be of benefit, and prevent her from setting herself up for another failure.</p>

10

<p>She is working, taking some classes....and the problem is what?</p>

<p>Is she doing drugs, is she drinking too much, is she suiciidal, is she hurting others? if any of those were true, one should be very worried</p>

<p>but she is unfocased at 19...she isn't shining in college at 19....but she is still a functioning person in society.....</p>

<p>why do we expect everyone to have it all together and be perfect at 19? What is wrong with doing what she is doing right now? Lots of people struggle - some, like my nieces switched schools alot, took a few classes ata time, worked all through college, f inally graduating at 27. They did have a bit more focus, but were forced to do college the hard way. </p>

<p>My point is, so what if it takes this girl longer to figure out what she wants, it takes her longer to see the mistake she is potentially making, so what if she never finishes college....I am serious, there are many functioning, balanced, loving hard workng folks who never went to college</p>

<p>Of course it would be wonderful if everyone found their calling at 19, had the maturity at 19 to complete everything they started, but many don't, and so long as she is working, still has her hand in school, who are we to judge and insist on therapy. Maybe after a year or two, this young lady will figure out what she wants and make it happen. Maybe she will not. Look around you, millions and millions of people never finished college and have good lives, not perfect, but whose is.</p>

<p>This is one of those lesson times, and the girl will soon discover for herself....why do we all think that taking college slower is such a horrid thing...this roommate wants, she deserves, she hates, those are ALL in her court- she chooses to hate it, she chooses to want something else but do little about it, she wants better....well, who is to say any other school is going to be better...a slice of the real world is what is going to help this young lady get some focus....a new location is not the panacia we all want it to be...</p>

11

<p>What's wrong with the Uni she's currently attending? I assume it's a 4 year college so why all the fuss of transferring elsewhere at a point in time when she has no clue as to what to do and has already proven herself to probably be unfocused while at UCSD. What major was she pursuing at UCSD? If it was engineering, it's not very difficult to end up with a 2.0 (which is considered passing for engineering) even for bright students. They need to either work harder or switch to a different (and easier) major. If it was communications, psychology, history, or some similar major, one really has to slack to get a 2.0 (no offense intended) and really demonstrates she wasn't focused. In many of these majors, to get as low as a 2.0, one must skip many of the classes, not do the homework, not do the papers, and generally be uninvolved in the class. Some of the people who end up in this mode are hardcore partiers, people who spend an inordinate amount of time sleeping (and may be having a bout of depression), people who are completely distracted by a BF/GF, or people who have managed to find some other major distraction. Did any of these apply to her? If so, the problem will need to be resolved before she can be successful at any college. </p>

<p>Does the Uni she's currently attending have a career guidance center? If so, she should make an appointment with them and take a look at the majors and possible job opportunities that could result. If nothing else, she could use a process of elimination to cross off majors/careers she definitely knows she's 'not' interested in.</p>

<p>If she's figured out what her issue was and is back on track and re-focused, she could finish at the Uni she's already at, might be able to return to UCSD (they like their students to be successful even though it doesn't always seem that way), could transfer to other colleges that might accept a UCSD 2.0 (which I'd say means more than a 2.0 at some other colleges), or could attend a CC, maintain a high GPA, and then transfer into a UC from there (checking with the guidance office to confirm).</p>

12

<p>
[quote]
She really wishes she could just start college over again with a clean slate. .... Are there any Unis that are reasonably good that give you a second chance?

[/quote]
Well, yes. But if she has no idea what she wants to do, hasn't resolved what led to failing most of her courses and just generally wants to act like the last several months never happened, it's not clear that changing locations will help.
I posted on the transfer forum, but will also post some thoughts here.</p>

<p>It's no fault to be uncertain now about what she wants. She needs to give herself time to find that out. That time can be out of college or in college.</p>

<p>What is her definition of "bigger and better things?" She may not be able to answer this yet, no matter how hard she tries. And that is ok. But she may be able to go somewhere quietly by herself, sit with a pencil and paper and write down as many visions of what those "bigger and better things" she wants for herself are. No limits or rules on what she writes down. Then, she can see if there are any patterns she or you see that might point her in a direction.</p>

<p>If they don't point to "a" direction, they should at least point to some things she'd like to try.</p>

<p>I have seen it said that the two most successful groups of students in college are those who performed very well in high school and those who took time off between high school and college. So continuing on her "time off from college" is one good plan. The longer she takes off, the less her GPA at UCSD will haunt her future applications. And during that time she can "try on" some of the ideas she comes up with in the exercise above.</p>

<p>If she wants college right now, returning to UCSD may be her best bet if she is still welcome there. Transferring elsewhere is not impossible with a 2.0, but that GPA will be a determining factor in where she could go.</p>

<p>If she's dead-set on transferring, we would need to hear more about her criteria for a school and her financial situation to consider recommending any possibilities.</p>

<p>The combination of being indecisive and giving up easily may go together. Persistence is a key factor in most every successful career, but it often comes from knowing what you want and where you're headed. When the going gets tough, knowing what the goal is can help all of us get over the humps. Once she has a desire for something specific, she probably won't give up so easily.</p>

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<p>Citygirlsmom, the problem as the OP suggested is that the roommate is not only floundering, but is continuing to hold on to the idea that she has to have "better" than she currently has. I agree that floundering may be a common event for kids in this age bracket. What I think is more ominous is the kid who is failing, and not taking responsiblity for failing, and believing at the same time that she needs to be enrolled in a higher status college than the one she is currently in. this is why therapy not career guidance seems to be the best alternative as she is not perceiving her situation and the world very accurately right now.</p>

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<p>she is working, she is functioning, why does everyone jump to therapy because people are indesicive....we all want better...so she has expectations that don't match her real willingness to put in effort, that is what I see, and I see someone who wants it all without trying....and that is a common "ailment" of millions...</p>

<p>she is not failing- she is working, she is taking some classes and she is whining how unhappy she is and how much she hates her circumstances, circumstances she has chosen to be in</p>

<p>she is not motivated, and wants the rewards of hard work without working hard....</p>

<p>that is just being a slacker, do we send every slacker in to get analyzed....no...sometimes people need life lessons, and so long as they are getting up, going to work, taking a few classes, what is the real problem....</p>

<p>where is the failure? I don't see it...</p>

<p>believe it or not, millions of people don't go to college and instead work...do you consider them all fallures...college isn't really for everyone, and not everyone is ready...and so she isn't happy and "wants to transfer", well she needs to work herself toward that goal, and if her path is less tradtional and a bit rocky, that is okay, so long and she is safe, fed, has shelter, and pays her bill</p>

<p>people are not failures in life if college doesn't work out right away, and to think so is indeed sad</p>

<p>look at the people all over this country working hard every day, many didn't finish or even start college and are living productive solid lives</p>

<p>yo think that one is a failure if you can't handle college or choose not to go or finish while instead working and finding your way, how sad is that</p>

15

<p>I would recommend Armed Forces, but that option certainly isn't for everyone. And nobody joining these days can reasonably think they'll just serve a couple years without ever having to deploy to Iraq or Afghanistan.
The advantages of a little time in the military include time to clarify focus (maturity), learning discipline and responsibility, and financial incentives. If armed forces aren't for the roommate, look for something with similar qualities. I think one of the keys is that the program (enlistment) has a set duration-- that way there is a natural time to move on to something different (if so inclined). The risk in simply taking time off and working is that school goes permanently on the back burner and is OBE (overcome by events) rather than a clear decision to go or to stay in the workforce.</p>

16

<p>So your solution is to let the life school of hard knocks smack some sense into her? As I said before the issue is not that she is failing, but that as she fails she is holding on to unrealistic dreams and aspirations and shows no sign of making adjustments. It is hard to see "how sad it is" when the suggestion is not that the girl give up, but rather that she should get some help.</p>

17

<p>yeah, like NO one has unrealistic dreams and aspirations? go to hollywood and look at all the waiter/actors.....do they all need help?</p>

<p>help for what, though, to dream a different dream, to get moving, to get motivated? what do you think the help would accomplish? </p>

<p>I just think we often just say, get that person into therapy, as if she is delusional....she is not....she wants to make changes and do little to do that...she knows she messed up...but kind of hopes those mess ups will be ignored and she can transfer...she understands what she needs to do, but opts not to....</p>

18

<p>I aqree with citygirlsmom. Just because someone screwed up and doesn't want to take responsibility doesn't mean they need therapy. They just might need to grow up the hard way. It's also possible that college isn't really for her, and what she needs to do is find an alternate path to finding a way to support herself. Not everyone with the intelligence to handle college has the personality or interest to do so. Many people also want college to be easy and a big party, and that's not what college is.</p>

19

<p>banana:</p>

<p>What was her major at UCSD and what happened to end up with such a low GPA (skipping classes, partying, not doing assignments, etc.)? What's 'her' explanation of why she did poorly at UCSD?</p>

20

<p>If someone screws up, doesn't take responsibility and seems to be continuing to make the same problems over again, that, IMO, is a therapy candidate because the goal of therapy is to help her recognize her behavior patterns and either change attitudes or behaviors. Some people are good therapy candidates, others are not and I am not a blanket "go to therapy" type person. However I fail to see the value in "growing up the hard way" when it can possible be avoided by some professional help.</p>