Admission has been a bittersweet experience

Parents Forum
21

<p>"I must admit that I don't understand the mystery to the whole college admission process. My daughter went 6/6 on her applications, including her top two; Stanford and Virginia, and her backups; Cornell, Wash U., Banard and Rice."</p>

<p>If your D and you are saying things like this to friends, your statement -- which lacks empathy for people who weren't as fortunate as your D when it came to admission -- is fueling the negative comments that your D is getting.</p>

<p>You seem to be implying that your D got all of her acceptances because she's either extremely smart and deserving or she was able to figure out how to game an easy system. Such implications are likely to raise the hackles of acquaintacnes and friends who weren't as fortunate. Also, the system is not as easy to figure out as you seem to think it is. Take a close look at the admissions results that many have posted on CC and you'll see that many apparently deserving students got inexplicable rejections.</p>

22

<p>Oh, I know I'm not a loser...my fears are kind of hard to explain. For one, because my friends know that I applied to Princeton and am a double legacy there, I know that they will ask me about it, and it's kind of hard for me to say that I was rejected--not really because I feel embarassed, mostly because it is disappointing not to get into the school that you have heard about your entire life and it is hard for me to talk about. It's also hard to say that I didn't get accepted into ANY of my top 4 choices, although I was waitlisted at Columbia and Brown. Plus, even though I did get into some really good schools that I am excited about--Wellesley, NYU and Carleton--I suspect that my friends don't really think of those as very prestigious schools. We are in Northwestern country here, and even though I think that Wellesley and Carleton are at least as "good" (whatever that means) as Northwestern and NYU is not too far behind (especially since I got into the Honors Program w/ scholarship at NYU), I don't think that many of my classmates would agree. No, it shouldn't matter, but I can't help but worry...</p>

<p>Plus, and this would be true whether or not I got into my top choices, some of my classmates are kind of...hostile about going to really expensive schools. Basically, many of them think that they are a waste of money, and some of them are not too shy about letting their opinions be known. They think that really expensive Eastern schools are for snobby rich people, and though I certainly do not broadcast it, the fact that I am a full-pay student validates their opinion that expensive schools are for the privileged.</p>

<p>Of course, the valedictorian with the 35 ACT got rejected from MIT a couple of weeks ago, and life went on, so I probably don't have too much to worry about.</p>

23

<p>It is not only diversity, also geography. We live in a small town in PA. Son is at Emory. Did that (geography) help him? I don't know but I would guess it did. Similar stats to other acceptees and some unusual stuff going for him - captaining three sports for four years, leadership beyond that, highest cousres offered - very few offered though. Very small private school. Although he also was accepted at Johns Hopkins - 45 minutes away. This was last year. Another tough year. He did apply Ed II to Emory and I believe that helped. JHU was a mistake - somehow they did not recieve e-mail/letter rescinding app. (sent in Feb.) which we did immediately send again on April 1 2006. Well, nice to know he got in but needed to give that acceptance to another student ASAP. We are white - it just falls the way it does. This is my third experience. Three kids in college; well, oldest in grad. school but ugh! What a process!</p>

24

<p>How do these kids find out about SAT's, etc.? They beat it out of each other. My daughter hates to be singled out, even for positive things, but kids are dying to know where they stand relative to each other. Her friend raced her home on Friday so she could get into our mailbox first to see what fat envelopes we had received.</p>

<p>It is amazing how things have changed. I had no idea I was top ten in my HS class till an assembly in December of my senior year where we were announced. I got an academic scholarship to Ohio State and did not apply anywhere else. What could be better than Ohio State? I went to Columbia for architecture graduate school, and was as well prepared as anyone. My sons will not get into the same schools as my daughter, but I am confident they will have a good life. I am just happy that she has some great choices.</p>

<p>rick</p>

25

<p>if you show grace, class, humility and celebrate others colleges, why are you worried</p>

<p>On the day of high school acceptances coming out, my D got into her choice, and many other parents were disappointed. So, I truthfully talked up the other schools, how great they were etc. </p>

<p>Well, Jack A$$ dad walks in, all braggy, and obnoxious about his sons choices, his scholarships, etc.</p>

<p>He was not even caring about how the other parents felt. It was too fresh for them, the shift of plans, and destination</p>

<p>I pulled that dad aside and said, you know, some parents aren't as happy, and you are rubbing salt in the wound (he is still a jerk)</p>

<p>He stopped, but it was so rude and tacky and he was so focused on his own son, he took no one else into consideration</p>

<p>When one does well, that is enough ackolades, you don't need others approval or congrats while they are feeling bad</p>

<p>ANd to expect it right away is just being cold, celebrate privately for awhile and then when everyone settle down with their choices and they start getting enthusiastic, then you can share</p>

<p>Until then, realize that someone who got pretty much all they wanted can handle a few dirty looks</p>

<p>THe words about race are unwarranted, for sure, but remember this is all so fresh and these kids are getting asked all the time, where you going to college and they lash out,not fair, not right, but if kids and parents who got it all are ungracious, do we expect more from those that are facing disappointments?</p>

<p>My youngest D has pledged to not share any of her scores, and she is going to say that, if the impression is they were not good, so be it...she is taking a stand</p>

<p>She will also not advertise where she is applying, that is her private business</p>

<p>Smart kid</p>

26

<p>Advantagious:</p>

<p>These are three wonderful schools. Very different, but all wonderful.<br>
Wellesley and Carleton are LACs, NYU is very large and very urban.</p>

<p>So instead of worrying about what your friends might say about not going to your top 4 choice schools, focus on trying to decide between these three. You'll get a great education at any of them.</p>

27

<p>"If your D and you are saying things like this to friends, your statement -- which lacks empathy for people who weren't as fortunate as your D when it came to admission -- is fueling the negative comments that your D is getting."</p>

<p>Perhaps I should just get off this forum, because my writing skills don't seem sufficient to communicate my feelings. My intent was to convey that my D's success in admission feels somehow random, and that other kids who were just as deserving did not get all the choices they should have. They are not the kids who I worry about. I think my daughter is planning on giving this information out on a need to know basis only.</p>

<p>rick</p>

28

<p>Advantagious</p>

<p>My son was thrilled to be accepted to Carleton. Everyone is different for "best fit", but there IS no better school than Carleton. Wellesley and NYU the same for different students.</p>

29

<p>Yes, they are all wonderful schools. Actually, I do think that I am a good example of how a well-orchestrated admissions process pays off whether or not you get into your top choices, because I applied to an appropriate number of safety/match/reach schools and made sure only to apply to schools that I would be happy to attend, so I will still be picking from schools that I like and not the "lesser of three evils" type schools. </p>

<p>The only part that worked out a bit different than I might have preferred is that even though I only applied to 2/9 LAC's, my final choice is weighted towards LAC's. However, I'm happy because not only do I have 3 great choices, but they are all very different and give me the opportunity to choose the kind of enviornment that I would really like.</p>

<p>Bethievt, I certainly don't feel that I am settling for Carleton (or Wellesley, or NYU). I know I shouldn't complain, because there are plenty of people who wish they could say that they are going to Carleton, or NYU, or Wellesley. I'm still just licking my wounds a bit.</p>

30

<p>rick, there's nothing wrong with your writing. I am sure your child isn't doing anything to appear conceited. You also do not come across that way. Don't worry.</p>

31

<p>I have to agree...this is a hard lesson learned about the importance of discretion and empathy. </p>

<p>Last year, one of the guys in my d's very tight and very competitive gang of friends got into Harvard EA. Didn't tell a soul including the gcs and principal of the h.s. In January, went up before the School Board with the rest of the NMFs in our district to receive his commendation for being a NM scholar and when they announced where each student had applied and planned to attend, all that was said when they called his name was "UT-Austin" for both. </p>

<p>He understood the importance of discretion. I think word about his EA to Harvard didn't get out until the end of April. By then, everyone in the group had come to peace with their college admissions results and they felt nothing but happiness for him. They also felt tremendous respect because he clearly was sensitive to the feelings of others and placed their comfort above his own. I was always impressed by this kid, but how he handled this situation was just so kind. Harvard is very LUCKY to get him.</p>

32

<p>I know that you feel good about yourself and I can tell you have great parents!
Don't worry about your peers - you have great choices you have earned. My background: I have three children My husband went to Princeton, I to Lafayette. My oldest child graduated from Lafayette - can't believe she chose it but she did not have a clue where she wanted to go and I suggested to apply because I loved it - she received an academic scholarship and accepted before hearing from other schools. including Princeton. All other acceptances/rejections (icluding Princeton} did not matter to her. Keep in mind we are in a small town in PA where Ivy/Lafayette type schools are wow! Not the assumption. She is now at Columbia pursuing a Masters - she hated Columbia when we showed her it as a junior in high school. By the way, she graduated with honors from Lafayette and honors in economics. Our second daughter had no interest in any Ivy. Graduating with honors from Dickinson in May. Our son - freshman at Emory - wanted P-ton since the age of 6 - his Dad's university. Did not even apply to Princeton because he wanted a DIII school - realized as he matured. So things work in weird ways. I have a husband, two brothers and an in-law who went to Princeton. Big in our family but all the children have been more than successful at other schools. Just thought you might be interested!</p>

33

<p>I am sure that the poster's daughter didn't go around bragging where she was admitted. I agree that you have to have common decency for the feelings of others, but that also means that kids who are down about being rejected/waitlisted should show the same common decency and not defame the kids that were accepted and say things like only idiots would go to a school like that. I know kids who act like this and you know they are speaking out of jealousy and frustration. That doesn't excuse it. I do agree that many of the kids are upset because for years they assumed they would get into an ivy or other school they deemed to be a "top" school. My son never did this. These kids either didn't apply to safety schools, or if they did, they never really liked them enough to be happy about being accepted there. If my son had not been accepted to the ivy he will attend, he told me that he would have been happy attending NYU or Boston College. They are great schools. Unfortunately, there were too many assumptions made by kids in our school that they would be accepted to ivies, and now, they are disappointed and frustrated by the lack of advice given by the school. I feel badly for them as does my son. But not the kids behaving poorly.</p>

34

<p>I do agree with CMA comments about kids behaving poorly. </p>

<p>Another example.... Same group of friends, but my d's situation. She never told her friends of all her acceptances which were all over the place from a couple of reaches to a bunch of safeties. She only talked about UNC-CH after she was sure she had decided she would attend (about 3 minutes after arriving in Chapel Hill for her first visit ;) ). One friend, who got into his/her first choice "Little Ivy", needled my d incessantly about UNC being a state school and 'just the UT of North Carolina'. Of course, he/she made these comments in front of other friends who planned to attend UT-Austin. My d wanted to shout 'no it's not the same thing and do you KNOW how hard it is for an oos student to get in at UNC-CH?', but she couldn't because she didn't want to hurt her UT friends' feelings. So she just had to take it. My d wasn't rude or obnoxious about her good fortune and there is no excuse for her poor treatment.</p>

<p>Sometimes kids ARE just unnecessarily mean.</p>

35

<p>
[quote]
How do parents and kids know everbody elses stats? Seems weird to me

[/quote]
Seems weird to me too, cgm - in our hs, there's no ranking and it isn't until senior awards night that the student with the highest GPA is announced. While some kids are admirably discreet (I'm awed by the young man who sat on the news about his Harvard acceptance for months), others just can't contain themselves. </p>

<p>Last week my d shared her March SAT scores with one friend. They'd agreed to tell each other in advance, and also to keep the results between themselves (or so my d thought). Within minutes of sharing, my d saw this friend - a good friend and a great kid, btw - go up to another friend and say something to her, whereupon friend #2 comes up to my d and says, "Congratulations!"</p>

<p>Friend #2's mom has never really liked my d and is something of a pot-stirrer. So in about 3 days, I'm expecting to hear from someone that my d has been going around "bragging" about her scores. Whatcha gonna do?</p>

36

<p>I think we have to accept the fact that different high schools have different environments. I taught at a middle school where when I would hand back a test, the kids immediately went around the room checking everyone's grades. Some kids would get their test back and announce out loud to the entire class -- I got a 62! I got a 95! The first time that happened I was speechless. My daughter's HS, just 10 miles away, is totally different. My daughter doesn't know anyone's SATs and barely knows what colleges kids got into.</p>

<p>Advantageous: I know exactly where you are coming from, and how you are feeling right now is quite natural. Despite acceptances to great schools, you are feeling a little hurt by the denials -- nothing wrong with that. As long as you get over it in a couple weeks, that reaction is very understandable. You are most definitely not like some kids who, when posting their acceptances/rejections on CC, are bemoaning how horrible they did in this process and how devastated they are and how life is meaningless and oh yes by the way they got accepted into schools like Duke and Vanderbilt and Tufts. I don't feel sorry for them at all. I also don't feel sorry for kids who describe schools like Brown or Brandeis as their safeties. They clearly didn't do enough research or have a balanced list.</p>

37

<p>How do they find out where their peers were accepted? Here's how they do it at our hs-
There's a giant map in the front counseling office and they are supposed to put their names on the places where they have been accepted. My son refused to do it for a while, and his counselor told ME to tell him to do it. I told her that she can call him on it if she wants to. Finally, he put his name on a few state U's, but has left off a significant number of good schools.
I find this practice tacky, as I also find the practice of putting the schools where kids got accepted to into the graduation program. All this information sharing on the most important day of the year (when ALL students should be celebrating) is not necessary and hurtful.
OK I'll get off the soapbox.
Congratulations to your daughter!!</p>

38

<p>
[quote]
THe words about race are unwarranted, for sure...

[/quote]
Do you mean because it is rude to be ungracious? Or do you really believe that being latina is not a HUGE advantage?</p>

<p>Rick, your D did have an advantage that classmates who are not URMs did not. Something that they could never attain with all the hard work in the world. While cruel & nasty comments are never acceptable, you & D should understand how frustrating it is for those equally or better qualified who are shut out. It's tougher for them than it is for her. She may feel hurt, but is walking away with great opportunities.</p>

<p>I can't believe this topic has never come up in their years of friendship!</p>

39

<p>
[quote]
I taught at a middle school where when I would hand back a test, the kids immediately went around the room checking everyone's grades.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>At least you handed back the test. At my kids' middle school, the teacher would have a kid hand back the tests, which eliminated any possibility of privacy.</p>

40

<p>"While cruel & nasty comments are never acceptable, you & D should understand how frustrating it is for those equally or better qualified who are shut out. It's tougher for them than it is for her. She may feel hurt, but is walking away with great opportunities."</p>

<p>It depends on how it was handled. If a student has gone around to their friends and crowed about how they "checked the box" and now they're "in" then, yes, they are opening up themselves for comment (this actually happened to my son's friend). If, however, a student keeps a low profile, and others just assume they got acceptances because of the color of their skin and then criticize them, then that's crass and obnoxious.</p>