<p>Neither of my kids did their EC’s or education with a particular college, or even college itself, in mind. Both strove to develop themselves. </p>
<p>That said, each had a school s/he really wanted to attend. D desperately wanted to go to Barnard for a combination of factors only Barnard could provide, including NYC, feminism, LAC with exposure to uni, strength in depts. she was interested in, Human Rights Program at Columbia.</p>
<p>She did apply ED and was deferred; she devoted herself to other apps and had several acceptances at wonderful schools to choose from. She would have had to weigh which were the most important factors for her because no other school had the combination of elements Barnard provided.</p>
<p>DS had a favorite; D talked him into a different one to which he applied ED. Also deferred. (Family curse.) Like D, he devoted himself to other applications. He was a wee bit traumatized, but he also had many attractive options. (Was helped by 2 EA acceptances.) Then he was accepted to first favorite and rejected from sister selected school. All is well.</p>
<p>I don’t think having a favorite hurt either of them at all. The favorite helped each to refine his/her preferences in life and know more about him/herself.</p>
<p>So each ended up at a favorite, although S not at ED school.</p>
<p>However, the sense of entitlement that tokenadult talks about is definitely not appropriate. No one is entitled to any admissions. Disappointment is okay if a wide net is cast to “catch” a comfortable match.</p>
<p>Obviously, ultimately the education results from the efforts of the student and can be achieved at many different venues.</p>
<p>There have been a lot of interesting comments in this thread. Maybe after thinking about it overnight I’ll try to some up some joint areas of agreement. There may be some lingering areas of disagreement among some participants . I hope you’re all enjoying happy holidays.</p>
<p>I think it’s perfectly healthy to have goals and schools you want to attend. It’s when parents condition their children that this [school] is the only way they’ll succeed or this [school] will be the deciding factor of whether they live or die.</p>
<p>The college admissions process is awful. School is no longer about learning, but doing stupid and unproductive activities to please parents and college counselors. </p>
<p>Thankfully admissions officers are becoming aware and no longer set priority for students with absurd e.c and steroid GPA.</p>
<p>I know a lot of parents who never take “no” for an answer; their kid doesn’t get an A or get into AP class and the parent calls the school and complains and things change in their favor. I’ve told my kids they have to deal with that kind of thing themselves, maybe their grades would be higher otherwise. But for some kids and parents, not getting into the first choice college might be the first big academic disappointment that mom and dad can’t make better!</p>
<p>I don’t think the OP’s premise is about not applying to a particular school for fear of rejection. I took it to be about having one school being the one and only or about Ivies being the only ones worth getting into.</p>
<p>I got taken to task several years ago when I failed to express sufficient sympathy for a young woman who was still depressed in mid-May about her failure to be admitted into “any of the Ivies to which she’d applied” and having to “settle for choosing between Wellesley, Chicago and Rice.” I can categorically say that had my S had to choose between Chicago and Rice, he would not be feeling that he had to “settle” for either or go into a blue funk for six weeks or more. They are great schools, as good as HYPSM and as worthy as being included in a group of dream schools.</p>
<p>Some parents set their kids up for unrealistic expectations, based on admissions standards from their generation and overestimating how special their offspring are.</p>
<p>There seems to be a reading comprehension issue here. Where in the original post or in any of the replies by the OP in this thread is there a premise that leads to not applying to a particular college?</p>
<p>check out the dictionary definitions of “unworthy”…</p>
<p>not trying to be persnickety, but I used to conduct corporate planning sessions in a former life, and my favorite clients were educators bcos of their choice of words…</p>
<p>Look at it from the kid’s perspective: “Son (or daughter), the University of Minnesota (or fill in your favorite college) is an unworthy goal for you.” How is a kid supposed to interpret that statement?</p>
<p>Thanks to all for the interesting replies in this thread. I’ll try to sum up some issues I think were written about better by others than I could have written about them myself. </p>
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<p>I agree with the implication of the quoted rhetorical question, and agree with the quoted statement. That got me thinking. What I was reacting to in my original post is what I would characterize as GRATUITOUS disappointment imposed on a learner by outside expectations (possibly from classmates, possibly from parents) rather than growing out of a learner’s personal goals. Learners who have reasonable amounts of ambition will occasionally reach farther than they can grasp, but I think as a parent part of my job is to make sure my children define their goals in terms of processes they engage in rather than in terms of results of the decisions of others. </p>
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<p>I like this formulation. It’s realistic and allows learners to develop lots of resilience when facing that I agree are inevitable disappointments. A parent’s job is not to shield a child from all disappointments, but to help a child learn to consistently bounce back from disappointments. I especially like the turn of phrase “Deal with the disappointments as an opportunity to make the most of your other opportunities.” </p>
<p>My son does have favorite colleges at the moment (as I think I made clear in my original post). He will surely apply to them. Indeed, the way I have ascertained his favorite colleges is to ask him from time to time, “Based on what you know today about yourself and about various colleges, which colleges do you expect to apply to when it’s time to apply.” He usually names seven or eight different colleges, but two of those (“College X” and “College Y”) are always the first two he names. If I were writing his college application list, I might insert different colleges in it, but I think HIS list is based on a reasonable degree of self-knowledge by a high school student and a reasonable degree of knowledge about the different colleges. (We have attended quite a few regional information sessions about various colleges, including all the colleges on his list, in town. We also know alumni or current students at most of those colleges, often through my son’s summer program classmates or my wife’s piano students.) </p>
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<p>I agree with this statement as it was made. I disagree with any factual assumption that anyone can avoid disappointment. Disappointment happens to everyone sooner or later. </p>
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<p>I agree with this too. I definitely encourage my oldest son to apply to any college that he is interested in. I will do the same for my three younger children. I believe that students have the right to aim high, but who gives them a right to hit their target? As to the point of this thread, is a student better off to define a goal of “I will definitely get into [insert name of famous college here]” or a goal of “I will learn a lot in my high school years and submit carefully prepared applications to every college I like”? Either way, the student is aiming high. </p>
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<p>The second sentence is precisely the advice I give to other families and to my own children. I think a search on CC will find threads in which I advise applying to a lot of places and seeing what offers result. </p>
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<p>I think that’s right. </p>
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<p>This is what I am least sure about. I don’t know how consequential the difference between a reasonably good state flagship university and a famous highly selective private university is. Maybe it’s of no consequence for my son’s pursuit of his personal goals–I have no idea. </p>
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<p>Yes, Yale is a college my son is thinking about (it is neither “College X” nor “College Y” for him, but probably will end up on his application list), but I don’t know and he doesn’t know whether it will make a big difference for his future, if he happens to be admitted. How could we know this, on the individual level? (Which is another way of asking, why should a parent set up a home atmosphere of a child feeling like a failure if not admitted to his favorite college?) </p>
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<p>Yes, I am in agreement with this, and my children have a lot to say about what they study. </p>
<p>There were other great comments in this thread, and maybe I’ll respond to more of them in a while. I hope it’s clear (as it should be from many other posts I’ve put on CC) that I encourage young people to set high learning standards for themselves, to apply widely to a variety of colleges, and not to invest too much personal emotion into the decision of an anonymous committee made for institutional reasons.</p>
<p>I was pretty upset when i didn’t get into my top college, but I try to live by the saying that everything happens for a reason. Lo and behold, just about a week after I got the rejection letter, I discovered another school I absolutely loved. Along with that one, I have plenty of other schools to which I’m applying that I know I would be perfectly happy at, even if they werent my first choice. Life is what you make of it, and it’s definitly not worth sobbing over a college experience that you haven’t even had yet!</p>
<p>No favorites ever emerged for D1 and we were very glad. It never made any sense to us to try to cultivate a favorite or even a short list of the recommended eight schools. Given the insane competition, the less wedded she became to a particular school the better we felt. In fact we deliberately did not go on visits because of this. Why take your kid to see Harvard so that they can feel even worse when the probable rejection comes? It has meant a lot of work on sending out many applications but well worth it psychologically.</p>
<p>If I might make a suggestion, I’d say that even after acceptance(save ED!) one should probably avoid even then going after a school to love.</p>
<p>I’ve already gotten into Chicago, and it’s been courting me(seriously, they know how to get into your head and your heart) but unless money isn’t an object, even after acceptance it’s probably best to remain a bit distant.</p>
<p>Because when you fall in love with a school and then you discover you likely can’t go for any reason, it hurts. </p>
. I hope you’re all enjoying happy holidays.</p>
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