The Fallacy of "Dream Schools"

Parents Forum
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<p>My son had a dream school--the school from which his mom and I graduated. He liked the school, the campus, the academics and prestige, and the sports teams which he supported to a rabid extent. Last spring, the dream became a nightmare when the school waitlisted him, doubtless because he mailed in the first two years of high school, and wasn't able to overcome it even with absurdly high test scores and really good extracurriculars. To his credit, he blamed no one but himself--that did not, however, prevent him from finding reasons why he wouldn't like his second choice (which he had been accepted at and paid his deposit), or anyplace else other than his "dream school". When we dropped him off to start school, those feelings were still there.</p>

<p>We're halfway through semester one now, and he has adjusted very nicely. He attends a Top 50 school which is terrific in his major, and he likes his friend group, his roommates and the environment. He'll never stop rooting for the dream school's teams, or even stop planning ways to go there for law school, but things are good, his grades are excellent, and he's happy.</p>

<p>By contrast, we know a lot of kids who have gotten into their "dream schools", attended, and were/are miserable. The reasons are varied--roommate issues, tough starts grade wise, relationship break-ups, dissatisfaction with classes or bureaucracy, etc.--but the common ground seems to be that dream schools carry with them an expectation of nirvana, as if getting into the college of one's choice and attending ensures four years of happiness and unbridled success. Unfortunately, this doesn't always occur. Kids who have succeeded throughout life suddenly fail for the first time, whether because they're away from home and there is no safety net, the competition is better, their maturity isn't what it could be, the computer stuck them with a slob for a roommate, or any of a thousand other reasons, and they're not equipped to handle it. The expectations for the school are too high, and the fall is too great.</p>

<p>This is not to say that kids shouldn't have a goal concerning college, or try to be consistently successful in order to meet that goal. It is to say that kids should be reminded--often if necessary--that many schools will be just fine, and that the dream doesn't always match reality. As the Rolling Stones put it, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find you get what you need.</p>

<p>For those with kids who mature a little later, or don't get into their first choice, there is light at the end of the tunnel.</p>

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<p>H said! DS had a dream school that he started focusing on freshman year. Fine stats, great course selections in HS - the toughest curriculum his school offered but EC’s not really strong at all. GC encouraged his dream school, and DS applied ED. He was rejected. Totally heartbroken and miserable - and rejection letter came just at the start of final exams which he proceeded to tank. Long story short, he rallied, looked more closely at other choices and buckled down on the applications. Most importantly, he has ended up in a great school that is totally different from “dream” but which, in many ways, suits him better. Was hard to see at the time, and I know that rejection still stings, but things have a way of working out if we give them time</p>

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<p>I think we parents have to be careful with “dream” schools or “perfect fit” schools. We have to keep stressing that there are many good, good schools out there that our kiddos will thrive at; as OP put it, there is no “nirvana”. I worry that sometimes we’re building up the college experience to be the best time in the kids lives - and who wants to peak in their early 20s?!</p>

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<p>“Dreaming” about school - ANY school - is sign of a disease.</p>

<p>I recommend reading Jude the Obscure.</p>

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<p>Oh but for the grace of God go I – this SO could have been me. S decided that H’s and my alma mater was his dream school … even though we deliberately steered him away. When he applied, it was with my heart in my mouth over it, anticipating that he would be crushed. Thank God/Karma/Mother Nature/whoever that he got in - I SO get what you are talking about, and we emphasized many times to our kids that they were looking at a bunch of all great places and that they shouldn’t elevate one to dream status. Nice post.</p>

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<p>OP - your son could have been very happy at his dream school too. I do agree that there is more than one perfect school for a kid, but I don´t agree with a kid could have a greater let down by going to the “dream school.” A kid could be just as unhappy at a second, third…choice school as at the first choice school.</p>

<p>OP, glad it worked out for your son.</p>

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<p>To have a “dream school” isn’t a bad thing as long as it doesn’t become an obsession. One might better refer to his dream school as his “goal” school. It can be a rallying point to push one’s self. If you don’t make it, you’ve at least put yourself in a better position for your second choice, etc.</p>

<p>I had a dream school. It pushed me in high school to do my best. I was fortunate enough to get admitted to my dream school. I went and it wasn’t the same as my dream, but was still the place for me. I just had to realign my dreams. Glad I did what I did, no regets.</p>

<p>My daughter now attends what was my second choice (I didn’t push her that way, she didn’t even know it was my second choice). Seeing how she is doing there, I would have enjoyed going to school there also.</p>

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<p>It’s been very interesting for me to see how S is trying very hard not to become too invested in his “dream school”. Yes, he has a favorite and he’s applying EA, but his official line is “there are alot of schools on my list that I like and can see myself attending.” Can’t blame these kids; who can take that pressure?</p>

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<p>I agree completely. Both of my kids attended their first choice schools, and in both cases, it turned out fine.</p>

<p>I do not think, though, that either of them had unrealistic expectations about the colleges they attended.</p>

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<p>So true!! It leaves little room for complaining once they get there. “How can you not be loving every second of every day, this was your DREAM school?!” </p>

<p>However, I think many kids set up an unreasonable expectation for how great things will be in college no matter if their college was their dream school or not. The beginning of college represents a fresh start, a blank canvas upon which to re-invent or at least fix one’s perceived short comings that everyone knew about in high school. </p>

<p>First semester freshman year is all about figuring out that no matter what the circumstances were that put you at that college, you’re still you and you still have a lot of things to figure out.</p>

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<p>Most people of all ages have dreams and wishes. They just change with time. Some people are more forthcoming than others in naming theirs. And in doing so, they open themselves up to public disappointment and explanation and examination. Others protect themselves by not acknowledging them so no one will know…and hence they avoid the public disappointment and all that goes with that.</p>

<p>So many phrases come to mind. “Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it” is one. “Shoot for the stars…you just might get to the moon” is another. Fill in your own. There’s a trite phrase at the tip of our tongue for any situation.</p>

<p>Some people get in their dream school, and then find out that dreams arent reality. Some people dont get in their dream school, wind up somewhere else, and are thrilled with the experience too and are grateful they had it.</p>

<p>Isnt there a country song out there about “thank god for unanswered prayers.”</p>

<p>And most people find that wherever they find themself–dream or not–has pros and cons and reality is usually quite different from the dream.</p>

<p>Which isnt a reason not to dream. And as far as publically naming yours and risking all that goes with that…well that is just a choice we all make. There isnt a right or a wrong. </p>

<p>My kid named his. Yes he was disappointed. I was disappointed for him. Everyone knew he was disappointed. But he wasnt wrong for having a dream. And he’s having a great experience where he is too.</p>

<p>PS–I’m still dreaming about being single at the same time as Harrison Ford. But in the meantime, I’m satisfied with mr. ProudMomofS too. And I bet that stick-twig figure without a soul (Calista Flockhart) is ****ed off when Harrison Ford leaves his underwear on the floor too. But that just isnt in my dream. ;-)</p>

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<p>I agree with the OP. Just had a talk with my D this evening and feel lucky that she isn’t fiercely set on one school. While she has a favorite, she would be happy to go to any of the schools she is applying to. (well, except 1 that I made her apply to) :)</p>

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<p>S2 applied to alot of schools he liked and would be happy attending, and received great merit from all…as the process went along, he “fell in love with” one school. He had to interview for a selective research program and was picked by a great professor. As it came down to crunch time, we had to decide and finally went with his instate school…S2 was disappointed and unhappy. But about a week after talking to the professor and advising him of his decision not to accept the professor offered him a job in the lab during the summer after freshman year. So S2 began at his current school a bit unhappy but by Thanksgiving was comfortable, doing well and liking it and his professors there., So last summer he went to his dream school and worked in the lab… came home saying it was an incredible experience, loved the professor, loved the university just as much as before BUT realized he was getting as much if not more at his current school for about 80K less!</p>

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<p>I think the key to this issue is managing expectations. I know several students who were accepted ED at their “dream school” = only to transfer out after a semester or a year. Either it didn’t live up to their lofty expectations or they overlooked some negatives about the school. </p>

<p>I also know a number of students - my son included - who are very happy at their 3rd choice school. Sometimes going into a situation with low expectations is a good thing - you aren’t expecting to love it - so every time something goes well - it is a pleasant surprise.</p>

<p>I actually think there is a very good life lesson here - managing your expectations might just be the key to a happy life.</p>

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<p>Excellent post, OP! I had never heard of the term “dream school” until I found CC, and it made me GAG!</p>

<p>P.S.
This is one of those rare times that I totally agree with mini.</p>

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<p>I find it interesting to hear about students with dream schools. My son does not have one and even with all of our college visits, he remains unmoved, un-overly excited about any. He just wants a school that matches his stats and the hard work he feels he has put in in HS and he says he will decide where he wants to go after the acceptances have come in. Healthy attitude I guess but makes conversations about the schools pretty middle of road.</p>

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<p>I am dreaming that my son will get in to a school…</p>

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<p>What I try to convey to my kids is that you shouldn’t have a dream school–you should have a strategy. If you have a dream school and don’t get in, you’ve failed, even if your second choice is a great school. If you have a strategy, and you get into any of the schools on your list, your strategy was successful.</p>

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<p>I like that Hunt. :)</p>

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<p>MD Mom - he will! Had my doubts after some bumps last year but then the acceptances came in :)</p>