DS has narrowed down his choice to 3 colleges, that my wife and I are thrilled about. All three are great, for very different reasons; we would legit be happy with any one he chooses.
For whatever reason he has shut down on making a decision, not really researching social media for the schools or even the academic programs to see if there might be a match. We’ve visited all 3 twice now (including admitted days for both schools), but he has seemingly checked out.
We’re thinking this is just kind of a hidden stress kind of move that has frozen him up, and we’re backing off the daily “What do you think” type discussions to give him some room.
Just curious if anyone else has hit a similar wall or might have any other strategies; I’m sure it will all work out great. He’s had almost zero serious issues growing up in a challenging time for teens, so this is sort of a First World problem.
There’s still 2 weeks. Give your son some space this week and circle back around Friday. I’d implore y’all to force the decision a bit if y’all can’t figure anything out by the 28th. Schools will have a lot of extra forms that are due in quick succession usually so its best to have some time to handle them.
The final decision is hard – because it is final and it also means saying no to two schools he probably likes.
Not sure if it is possible but we found that revisiting the top choices helped my S to finalize his choice. He saw the schools with a different lens as an accepted student.
Indeed! That’s likely our approach if we can keep our mouths shut. I was also afraid that it might impact his housing placement, but for these final 3 schools I don’t think it’s an issue anyways. But certainly he knows that it’s not a 11:59PM kind of thing to decide on (web sites crash, etc, so best lock it up)
It’s been years, but I remember how tough it was for my D. Even after she made her decision, she wasn’t sure it was the right one. She went to the school she chose and made some very good life long friends, but she decided to transfer effective sophomore year to one of the schools she turned down. She was very happy with the transfer school. My point is, he may not have a clear favorite, but he will eventually make a choice. And if it doesn’t turn out to be the best option, he can cross that bridge when he comes to it.
when working on a difficult task, especially when I feel stuck, I tend to switch my mind to something else for a while, take a break, before revisiting. Choosing where to go to college is such an important decision that I’d say it’s healthy to take a break from the intensive thinking.
After all the pressure in HS to get into the ‘best’ college possible, the pressure to make the ‘right’ choice is like standing on the top of a very very high dive and having to pick which pool to jump into.
Some reassurance may be in order: that all 3 are good choices, that transfers exist in case whatever he pickst turns out not to be the ‘best’ for him.
And mostly: that this is one of the best opportunities he will ever have to make an important decision, with imperfect and incomplete information, with none of the choices being “wrong”, so it is a perfect time to trust his gut, even if it’s as apparently small a thing as the way he felt walking around the campus.
And most of all: that you have confidence in him making this decision- that it will be the right decision for now, b/c he made it, and if down the road it stops being the right decision you have confidence in his ability to make new choices.
Yep good point on transfer. Wife and I in his shoes would be the type of student that would be feverishly researching and reaching out to current students, etc, but that’s not him! Which is all good Thanks for the comment
We were in this situation a number of years ago (but with a daughter). Her 3 choices were also all very good, and all were affordable for us.
This is also a good thing to do. I liked the visits after the student had already been accepted, because they knew that they really could be a student here in September if they wanted to.
I wonder if the thing to do is to first think about the tradeoffs and visit all three schools. Then just stop thinking about it for a few days. Let the mind rest.
Then your son can just pick whichever feels right.
Exactly! I think that the few days off to not think about it helps to clear the brain.
Making a decision means that it’s over, he can’t change his mind, all the work of the last many months and years of choosing where to apply and doing all of the applications, and everything is over and and and…
Having to choose locks him in. That’s pretty paralyzing.
Empathize with how hard it is to pick one.
Let it all go for at least a week (and come here and privately vent - that’s ok!). But give him a little space and acknowledge to him that this is hard and you understand that it can feel paralyzing.
(ETA: a little trick sometimes for choosing between 2 things is to flip a coin and see if your immediate response to the result is excitement or relief, or disappointment. If there are three things you can pull from a hat and gauge that response. Just a thought. But in the interim, he’ll get there, he may just be feeling the gravity of choosing JUST ONE.)
One suggestion I heard was to pick two of the schools and see, when the time comes, if he can compare and decide between just two of them. If he can, then one school is out. Repeat the process with the school left.
If one school is closer, and one school is further, then I might choose those two to go first. We know many kids who start with big plans to move out of state and far away to school, but when the time comes, they choose to stay much closer to home.
Our daughter also made her decision fairly late in the game and was struggling to decide. I like the flip a coin suggestion, to see what the reaction is, and this is sort of an extended version of that. Someone gave the advice that she make the decision in her head, maybe tell a trusted friend – and ask them to keep it quiet – then sit with the decision for a day or two. If she spends most of that day excited and looking forward to making it official, it’s the right one. If she spends the day talking herself into the decision or missing the other school, then she can make the switch with no problem!
Our D didn’t really follow through with this advice, but she said she liked the idea of it. In the end she made a very firm decision somewhere around April 28. It wasn’t what she’d been expecting, and I think part of her felt a little sad saying goodbye to the school she’d thought she would choose, but she was completely certain when she committed. I agree with others, who recommend not asking for a while, as hard as that might be for you. A whole week, if at all possible! Asking ramps it up from the “most important decision of your life!” to “most important decision of your life, and your parents are counting on you to make the right one!” Both are stressful. Besides, he may be doing research or talking with friends, even watching videos from students at the schools he’s considering, without mentioning it to you. Something about the actual deadline often brings remarkable clarity. I hope that happens for your son as well.
Where are his friends going? There is a lot of benefit of having a small bult-in network when starting out, even it is just a few friends from home. If he has friends going to any of the schools that may be the tie breaker.
I’m wondering if the reality of leaving home and heading to school is part of it. I also think a lot of these kids feel this huge weight of the “right decision” and worry about making a mistake if they choose the wrong school. I have a feeling my S24 will do the same, even though right now he’s acting like he knows exactly what he wants.
My D only applied to schools far from home, and she was ready for that. The problem was that she is a perfectionist, and choosing a school from a list of great options was really hard for her. She definitely was in what we refer to as a do-loop of doom. She was so afraid of choosing the “wrong” school, and she didn’t know which was best for her. When she picked, at the deadline, she still wasn’t sure. That’s what made it so hard for her - she never really had a clear idea of what was best. She chose a small school with an active student body, but not one known for partying or Greek life. Once she got settled at the school she chose, she found that it wasn’t the best fit academically, through actual experience. She realized that she needed a medium sized school with more options … and she decided that the partying and Greek life at the second school, that ultimately led to her choosing the other school, was really not a big deal for her. She realized that she’d find her niche, which she did. But it took the wisdom of experience for her to finally know where she should be.
S23 is also paralyzed. We had some tiny movement last week when he ruled out one of the final three. Then he had a setback over the weekend, and I am worried again. With him, some of it does seem to be related to the finality of leaving his friends to go away (and we will be moving out of state right after graduation, so it is really final.) Once he chooses a place, in his mind it means high school is over. Because he has had several moves during high school and a difficult time (not to mention Covid!), he already feels he was cheated of the high school experience, so I do think the paralysis is partly based on not wanting to say it’s over since, as he says, “things didn’t turn out at all like I wanted.”
Anyway, several people on this thread have made similar points about the finality of a commitment. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I read the posts about kids who are “super-excited” and “buying swag,” and I am jealous and feel like my family is all alone in having a child rather ambivalent about college choice, or frankly life, right now. I have faith that our slower-to-commit children will be fine in the end, but man, I would love to see S23 really excited about any school at this moment.
Thanks for the comment