Struggling with the decision

College Majors Music Major
1

I see the final decisions thread growing and growing. We, however, are at a standstill over here. Frankly, all college talk has ceased to exist and my D squirms when anybody (which is everybody) brings it up.

Also, extreme senioritis has set in. I mean, she would rather stare at a wall than do her homework. This is completely out of character for her.

We have scheduled a “meeting” for tomorrow and I am forcing her to face her options and narrow in on a decision. I am mentally preparing for this today. Dpes anyone have any advice or words of comfort for me today? I could sure use it.

2

Could she be scared emotionally about leaving home? Transitioning? Is she worried she might make the wrong decision? Anxiety has a way of shutting people down.

Can you help her break the problem down? Sometimes breaking it down and overanalyzing it is not helpful. Maybe she needs to just think about what her gut is telling her is the right place (ignoring everyone else’s opinion).

I know my S had a hard time but in the end chose the school that he always felt in his gut was the right place. It ended up being the perfect place for him and he has had an amazing wonderful four years.

3

Feel your pain. I’ve also had to back off and allow my son to figure it out for himself. He made all good schools. It comes down to how much debt do you want when you graduate. Sure he is tired of that being said at every turn. He will be visiting the schools he has narrowed down. Hopefully that will help with his decision. Good luck to you!

4

Yes to all of the above @StacJip .

I think part of the problem is that she always thought she wanted to leave the state and is not so sure anymore. Fortunately, she has 3 instate options. Unfortunately, I think all 3 are at the bottom of her list when you take being a car ride away out of the equation. Also, her top 2 choices remain unaffordable. I mean, technically, we could go into massive debt, but I don’t think that is wise. So, she is left with schools that are “ok” but nothing is standing out as where she wants to be.

I am struggling to find a way to lay it all out for her and present it without injecting too much of my opinion into it. Also, I am trying to keep it as low pressure as possible. Really though, none of this is low pressure, is it?!

5

Dbandmom-are there accepted student events that she can attend at the more financially realistic choices? That may help with the decision. Has she had sample lessons with any of the professors?

I see that Berklee is one of the schools your daughter was admitted to. Berklee, unlike most other schools allows you to “defer” your acceptance and re-audition for more scholarship consideration the following year. My son did that, and then decided not to re-audition because he was happy where he ended up.

I made a “budget” for him when we had the discussion about choosing a school that showed him what the burden of him going into massive debt would be like after college.

6

Would it be possible for her to visit the affordable choices again and any other schools in the running? Son was still undecided right up until the last week. We went back and scheduled visits with the studio teachers, sat in on classes etc. It worked well. He was able to rule out certain studios as not for him. As a bonus, each school he visited increased his talent award either during or right after his lesson with the studio teacher. We, also, weren’t able to afford his first choices and looked at the affordable instate schools as well as an out of state one during the final week. Towards the end of the week, the obvious choice stood out. Good luck, it is tough to commit when they have choices and the favorite schools aren’t affordable.

7

Instead of talking about the decision, I would talk about the problems and fears in making the decision. What’s wrong/scary etc and how can you help her find a way to a decision by the deadline. Is it really money? Distance? School status? Then maybe that can be a second meeting or a school visit.

Don’t solve her problems or figure out how to lay things out. Ask her how you can help support her in her decision-making. Let her know she could also defer and take a gap year. That seems super scary to parents if you think your kid is going to college. But by putting all options, fears, concerns on the table, SHE may be able to find a way to move forward with your support.

It is far better to get everything out now, then send her off to college with unexpressed doubts. It’s probably nothing but a little anxiety and foot dragging…but if there are some real fears she hasn’t expressed (or realized until now) you will want to hear them now…not first semester of Freshman year. Let go of any expectation of making a decision at the meeting and just LISTEN. It may take a bit but if you have no agenda except to have an open discussion (if you are paying the bills, she does owe you some communication - I have used this on my D) and you note the behavior you are concerned about, you can then sit back and listen. And maybe that will help all of you know how to move forward.

8

Yup, we’re there, too! Narrowed down to two schools, but neither of which are perfect. We spent the first week trying to compare the two, thinking about which is “better” and that got us nowhere. I’ve abandoned that strategy. So, for the last couple of days, what we’ve done is just consider ONE school at a time. Talked about the curriculum, how he feels about the teacher, his impressions about the program. Looked up Youtube videos, read student blogs, whatever. Tried to be honest about whether the merit amount affected his feelings about the school. We didn’t attempt to do it in one sitting; many of the conversations happened in the car, while running errands, etc. Out of all that, he compiled a list of questions and/or concerns about the school and we strategized on how to get answers, including a last-minute re-visit to one of the schools. Mostly, he sent off emails with questions.

Then, we focused on the other school; same routine. Tacit agreement not to try to compare the schools.

He has been pleasantly surprised by how quickly both schools responded to the emails. I think that’s really helped in making him feel more personally connected to each school and to the faculty members that have responded. I have no doubt that part of his indecision is some level of fear and anxiety – what if I’m not as good as they thought? What if I can’t keep up? Etc. – and that sense of personal connection, feeling like the faculty actually cares about his concerns, has made a big difference in re-boosting his self-confidence.

I think he’s now feeling much more in control and is looking forward to making that decision instead of half-dreading it.

If I had to make one suggestion, it would be to take the non-affordable options off the table completely and then have her communicate directly with the schools that are real options to address whatever questions or reservations she has.

9

You guys are already making me feel a little better and less “alone”. She had 8 schools to choose from, but 1 she took out of the running back in January, so down to 7. 2 are unaffordable. So, realistically, she has 5 options and no clear picture of where she wants to be.

@electricbassmom I do think she will defer at Berklee no matter what the decision for next Fall is.

She did an admitted student visit at one in state school in lieu of an admitted student event at an OOS school she had signed up for even though we had already made travel arrangements, etc. It was a last minute switch because I told her we could only take her back to one OOS school and she decided she’d rather “save it” for when she’s closer to a decision. It didn’t get her any closer to a decision. I did tell her we should try to get her in for a lesson at a couple of schools if possible even if they have to be via Skype.

I have never (in my mind) taken the possibility of a gap year or year of community college off the table. I am torn as to which I’d prefer to see her do if she chooses to not go straight to a 4 yr school. Gap year leaves her the option to enroll as a freshman again next year, but not being in school in any capacity makes me very nervous. However, community college means she’d be a transfer student and her scholarship #'s would certainly change drastically. Most of the big dollars we are seeing are in the form of academic scholarships specifically for 1st year students. I don’t think D has ever really considered these options herself and I will make it a point to let her know they are viable options.

Honestly, I already told her that I would like to see her commit somewhere even if come July or August she decides she can’t go through with it. I am not afraid of losing a deposit if it means keeping another option on the table. If she deferred at Berklee, committed to 1 of the 5, and knows she can always back out to take a gap year or enroll in some classes at the CC, I feel like that should remove a lot of pressure.

@bridgenail I will definitely take your advice by trying to get her to open up and communicate what her biggest concerns are rather than trying to get to a decision in a night or 2.

10

This is what makes the whole process so tough, you go in with expectations, and the choices you may end up with may not be as easy as you thought. You get into a great program, but their financial aid is not very good, you get into a top program but the studio assignment is a problem, you got into another school with a really, really fantastic teacher, but you would rather go to the program where the studio is up in the air, but don’t want to risk losing out on the great teacher at program #2…

It is so hard, because there are so many factors to this decision, and with music it is especially tough because music instruction is not one size fits all, you can get a degree in EE almost anywhere and it will be roughly the same experience, in music it doesn’t work like that.

And I sympathize and empathize, having gone through it (not looking forward to when he is ready for grad school applications grr…he will handle it, we get the angst!:).

I would give you D some time to think it through, brood and ponder, for the first time in her life she really is facing an adult decision, one that may have consequences, sure in high school you make choices, if you are a music student there is the issue of practicing and the teacher and whether to do this youth orchestra or the school program or some music festival, etc…but I think she is now facing being put into an adult position, figuring out so many things, where she will be living, who she will be around, etc…so don’t be surprised if she is overloaded, that will pass, it is par for the course. She is also learning about compromise, that she may have to settle for something she was less happy about, and that is a hard lesson to learn.

Now comes the fine art of being a parent, which is just as nebulous, you don’t/can’t step in too deep, because they will resent being treated like a child, yet they also may have trouble making the decision and deep down want your help.

When you sit down with her I would go over the choices. With the ones that would require a lot of debt, be realistic with her and tell her that coming out of that great program with a lot of debt is going to be a monkey on her back after graduation, and that debt for undergrad doesn’t make sense (grad might make more). If her top picks are going to require 10’s of thousands in debt, point out how much and how long that will take to repay, and would she want that stress while trying to make a career? In the end, you may have to be the parent here, and tell her you can’t see her (or you, if you also would be taking out loans) doing this to herself, but hopefully she will see that.

were her top choices out of state? If so, then ask her why instate is bothering her, if she was willing to go out of state for her top choices, ask her why she is reluctant to go out of state for better choices in her eyes, even if they aren’t the ones she wanted the most…why the change in heart? I would encourage her to try and talk about her feelings, they are important.

I also would make the point that with music, it so much has to do with the student. The fact that she got into her top choice schools, even though they are unaffordable, says something about her, she isn’t going to the ‘lesser’ school because she wasn’t good enough, she is going to the school because it makes sense, and that is a big difference, it shows she already has achieved a lot and has the ability to, it is very different if she couldn’t get into the top choice at all. I also would tell her, and there are a ton of threads on here, that merit aid may not be what she thinks it is, that if her top choice didn’t come through with merit aid it doesn’t mean that she isn’t good enough to go there. The reality is that merit aid a crapshoot, and at many of the most competitive programs the merit aid like the FA is based on family need, I know for a fact Juilliard ties all aid to family income, as does NEC, and I believe that is true for CIM and some of the other big programs, so if she is saying “they didn’t give me merit aid, so I must not be good enough”, that isn’t true, I would ask her that.

I also would reiterate that given that she has displayed that she is playing at a pretty high level (got into the top choice schools), that in the end whether she went to the top choice school or the ‘lesser’ one, that in the end it is going to come down to her and her dedication and desire. Going to the name school doesn’t guarantee you anything, despite some myths out there, and given that in music most kids are going on to grad programs, the UG may not be the be all she thinks it is.

I think my advice, fwiw, should be done in the way @bridgenail described so well, it has to be her making the decision, or if you ‘make’ the decision, has to feel like she in effect made it.

If there is any comfort in all this, lot of people have been through this and the one thing I’ll say is if she had the talent to get into her top choice, it is likely she will do well no matter where she goes, she has the ability and I think whatever she chooses she will find her way, in music or in whatever she ends up choosing to do. I am sure after she makes the decision she’ll wonder about that, too, it is natural.

11

Remember everything I say is in hindsight. I was just like you a few years ago. Keys in parenting your new adult:

Your calm presence and ability to listen but not solve problems.
The phrase: “Let me know if there is anything I can do to support you. I’m always here for you.”

The phrase: “You’ll be fine whatever path you choose. Have faith.”

And of course getting to a place where you believe these words…most of the time! Good luck.

12

I think the suggestions to really explore the schools online once again (curriculum, faculty, other students etc.) and visit as many as possible, are great advice. Making a decision like this in the abstract is really hard, so the more concrete things can be the better.

Anxiety about leaving can sway decisions but some kids really do need to be closer to home.

My daughter decided at 11:30pm on April 30th!

13

The other warning is once she makes her decision, she could very easily question herself after, too, it is part of this process for more than a few, and it can go on through their music school experience, especially if they hit a rough spot, have doubts about themsleves, and wonder “if I went to school A, instead of here, maybe I would be in a better place” (which should be no surprise, we all do that with decisions in life:). It is hard, because they of course are still our kids, and whether 6 or 16 or 26, we don’t want to see them upset or hurting, but we have to be there for them as support but not make them feel like we are treating them like they were 6 and skinned their knee:)

14

Isn’t it said @musicprnt that that’s the sign of a true artist - never being satisfied. At least, my D has tried to sell me on this. All I know is that she “always has a rock in her shoe” and we always need to look for it and discuss it - no matter what her age. Second guessing, for some, may be just part of their personality.

15

I think there is also this idea that kids have to or should “know” which choice is best. The truth is that it’s okay to be uncertain - to have some doubts - and learning to move forward despite the uncertainty (or learning to live with the resulting anxiety) is a valuable skill. So it may be helpful to acknowledge at the beginning of the conversation that there may be no “right” answer. No school is perfect. Every school has pros and cons. If your child can find a school where the “cons” are ones you can all live with for the next four years, then hopefully she can make a decision and embrace it.

16

Be careful with the decision to defer at Berklee - they don’t accept music course credits from other colleges for transfer. It is possibly the most disorganized and unprofessional organization I have come across in a LONG time.

17

Can you research outcomes at each remaining contender?

In the end you want your D to do well, and by knowing which school maximizes next steps should be on top

18

@NotSure16 my son attends Berklee and trust me that once you get there, they are organized. My son LOVES Berklee and can’t imagine himself anywhere else. Berklee definitely operates differently from other schools so don’t try and compare what you don’t know. To get answers, you need to talk to the right people and not the students who answer the phones at the general numbers.