My oldest will be heading to college in August. Is there any advice you can offer to parents so we can help make our child’s transition to college as positive as possible? Are there certain mistakes to avoid or actions to take that you are willing to share? From your child’s experience can you offer any advice to a new student of actions she should avoid, or should take, that will help with the transition? Of course every child, and their college experience, is different but I am hoping some advice may be helpful. Thanks in advance.
My son started at UF this past August . . . here are our tips:
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Do NOT get distracted the first part of the semester. Stay on top of stuff early. Our son did quite a bit of dual enrollment as a homeschooler so he was used to the pace of college classes, and even he got behind thanks to living on campus and having a good time. It’s a very distracting (but hopefully fun) environment.
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Have kiddo put every single date, paper deadline, drop-add deadline - in her paper and electronic calendar at the beginning of the semester. If the school uses Canvas or Web Assign, make sure to also note the TIME of the deadline. DS had a class where the due date TIME was 8 am, and not 11:59 pm like most classes. Needless to say most students aren’t up at 6 am working on assignments.
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If possible, establish a relationship with a local doctor/dentist so that you have somewhere to go quickly in case of illness. UF has an infirmary but it’s hit or miss depending on how busy/sick everyone else is. Know the professors’ policies on making up work. My son had a 102 fever and still had to go to his Calc 2 exam.
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Plug into the parent/student group(s) on FB. I’m amazed how helpful our group is.
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Make sure you understand your university’s wifi/internet connectivity procedures. Get that going as early as possible (like Day One) of the semester.
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Don’t take too much stuff to the dorm. Watch for checklists and stick to those.
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Understand the meal plan and encourage your student to make good food choices. Our son was eating pizza every other day and surprise - got pretty sick mid semester.
Enjoy and take comfort that everyone else is going through the same thing! It’s a process and you won’t get it all right. But hopefully the big stuff will go smoothly. Our son loves UF and loves living on campus.
Some of the higher risks that new frosh at residential colleges can encounter involve alcohol and sexual activity (particularly in combination). For example, sexual predators may take advantage of freshwomen getting drunk at parties because they do not know their limits (or may add date rape drugs to their drinks) in order to rape them.
For the benefit of other readers, @tinrodd I will cut and paste this edited version from the other thread:
One big regret I have, was that I was hung up on trying spend lots of quality time with my D before she left. I would stupidly say things like “let’s hang out tonight because you won’t be here in two weeks.” Not exactly in those words, but I didn’t think how that was making her feel. Shortly before she left that she had a bit of a meltdown because she was worried about all kinds of things. She hadn’t said anything for a while though, because she didn’t want to upset me.
My D had a rough start and fell in with a group of kids that weren’t right for her. For the first couple of months, there were many tearful phone calls and TODs, (texts of doom.) To be honest, she just had to get through it. Initially I tried to offer lots of advice, and she did try some things, which were not always successful. As time went on, I was more of a sounding board for her to vent. I was given some very good advice, which was to ask her what she wanted to do about whatever issue was making her unhappy. That worked for both of us.
When she started talking about transferring, and leaving after the first semester, I said “fine, but you have to do the work.” This helped her feel like she had some control over the situation and an escape route if she really needed it. I also spent a lot of time on CC, reading the many posts in the College Life forum from students who sounded just like my daughter. They felt like they had no friends, all their friends from home were already totally settled into a new friend group and were having “the best four years of their lives” (not true, by the way) and that they all were going to transfer, etc… That was really eye opening.
I have discovered something that no one tells you: the vast majority of freshmen have some kind of teething problems when they start college. For some it’s the social aspect, for others, it’s the academics, for others it’s homesickness, for still others, it’s new-found freedoms and trying (sometimes failing) to become responsible adults. EVERY kid has issues, and some handle it better than others, and some keep it to themselves instead of talking with their parents.
My advice would be to help your kid set realistic expectations before they go. There will be some problems, and that’s okay. It is likely that college may not seem like the best four years of their lives, at least at first. They need to persevere and get through it, as hard as that may be for them and for you. I have talked to many adult friends who tell me either they hated their first year of college, or their child had a terrible first year. I think it’s relatively rare that a kid starts college and it’s all great from the get go.
^^great post @Lindagaf. And it’s so true . . . your kid may surprise you with his/her issue(s). Mine did.
Don’t expect to make really close friends immediately. It can take time (sometimes the full year) to find your tribe. Donny stress too much about it.
Encourage your kid to go to TA or prof office hours if they have any questions, join or form a study group in any tough classes, take advantage of any department tutoring offered.
If the campus has a writing center, learn about how it works and use it for at least one paper first semester so you are familiar with it for later use.
If you plan to study after dinner, go straight to the library after eating without stopping at the dorm. Too easy to get sucked into socializing.
Talk out some basic rules with your roommates the first day or two. Courtesy around lights/computer use at night or early am, alarm resets, expectations for overnight visitor frequency and gender. Suggest trading at semester break for “prime real estate” in the room. Don’t expect to be bffs with your roommate, but do try to have a courteous relationship.
Some many small things…We established a once a week calling day/time so that we would, at a minimum, hear daughter’s voice and be able to ask questions about how she was doing. She would call us, from her dorm, walking outside, the library, at the designated day/time. She and I texted throughout the week (those first few weeks) with real issues and fun stuff but being able to hear her voice and suss out how she was doing was very important.
I second the idea of finding the school FB page. There was so much good advice and support there for new parents.
There are security issues at my daughter’s school and the parents rallying together has been very influential at the school.
Don’t rush to buy all the stuff you think you need. Dorm rooms are so small and strangely shaped and laid out. I moved our daughter into her room with a few pieces for clothing storage items, and then went to the school’s “Trash to Treasures” sale of the exact things we were going to buy being sold by a student group. A trip to BBB/Target rounded out the move in at the end. Spend a little as possible on things like plastic storage bins that make no sense to send home at the end of the school year.
I was a nervous wreck moving my daughter into her dorm. My husband couldn’t come with us as he had to be home with our younger two kids who were starting school around the same time. I was most anxious about the practical details of getting all of her stuff where it needed to be. Luckily, the school has a well-oiled process and it went very smoothly. Try to enjoy the time! Good luck!
Recognize that move-in days are FRAUGHT. You are having one set of emotions and your kid is having an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT set of emotions. Help avoid a blow-out or meltdown by being up front about those differences, and recognizing that this is more their journey than yours.
We did OK, except for one brief but memorable meltdown while shopping, which was pretty much straight out of The Onion:
Mom’s Fears About Daughter Leaving For College Channeled Into Fight About Storage Bins
http:// www.theonion.com /article/moms-fears-about-daughter-leaving-college-channele-51060
Also, what everyone said about taking time to find your tribe, and recognizing that your first acquaintances, while nice to have, may not be the ones who turn out to be your lifelong friends. Know yourself enough to know that there’s a wide range of “okay” for socializing style. Not everyone likes huge parties, so don’t do those if you don’t like them.
The advice that things can get off to a rough start are very valid. There are a lot of changes happening at once – academic, social, living situations are all new.
I remember my S calling me during his first set of college midterms and said in a forlorn expression “Are these really the best 4 years of my life? Because right now that sounds like a terrible thought.” – he was overwhelmed with work and the feeling that he hadn’t established friendships as close as the ones he had in college. Turns out that he did just fine on midterms and soon after midterms ended fell in with a great group of friends (who he still sees – years after graduation). So maybe his undergrad years will always be remembered as a very happy 3 3/4 years of his life rather than 4 – but we’ll take that.
^great tip from @intparent! My son did this (reluctantly) and it turned out to be very helpful on his one and only paper for his humanities class. The resources are there but the student has to pursue them.
Lots of students who grew up and went to high school in upper middle to upper income areas may not have much exposure to theft, and may habitually leave things unattended and doors unlocked. Many colleges are in places where theft is more common, so such students going to college may need to adjust their security habits.
Arrive as early as you can for move-in and don’t hover the entire time. Let them have time by themselves in the dorm while still knowing you’re around. So help them move in the big stuff but leave them to make the first of 83 runs out to Walmart for the inevitable stuff they forgot. Circle in and out. You’ve won if you have to drag them away from something interesting when it’s time for you to leave.
If your kid was always the one that other kids went to for help with academics, they may not know how to ask for help themselves. As others have said…being able to find and ask for help is key.
Listen. They will voice their doubts and concerns periodically and usually at the most unexpected times. Let them talk it out. Don’t immediately offer reassurances. Talk through how they would deal with the thing that concerns them.
As a student who just finished her first semester- I agree with all of the above. The first month or so is full of emotions and at that moment it’s easy to feel alone. I think recognizing that everyone is transitioning and struggling in some way helps. The emotions get really strong around finals as well. Also on a more serious note- make sure your kid knows that you are there for them if any mental health issues arise. I have seen far too many people go on a downward spiral and be too afraid to get help. Tell your kids there is no shame in getting help
Having just read a bunch of the letters kids post here asking for help on their academic appeals (i.e. they’ve got a GPA of .8 or something and have either been asked to leave or are on academic probation, losing their merit aid, will need 10 or more semesters to graduate, have been in college for 5 years, no degree, and have exhausted their Pell aid) it seems like even though everyone has a different story to tell- there is one CORE issue that is in all of these narratives.
Kid- go to class. Every class. This isn’t HS where blowing off gym has no consequences. Go to class. If you miss the class where the professor explains what’s on the midterm, you are going to blow the midterm. If you miss the class where a guest lecturer tells you the secret of life, and the entire final paper is supposed to be a diagnostic of the secret of life, you will get a D if you didn’t understand the connection between the assignment and the lecture. Don’t count on your roommate giving you notes, don’t count on getting a copy of last year’s final-- just go to class.
You are paying for it. Just go.
I don’t think there is a single kid posting on CC right now asking for help, circling the drain, needing advice on how to keep their scholarship or whatever that does not admit, “I couldn’t wake up on time so I didn’t go to class”.
Set an alarm and go to class.
Not on the social aspects of college but on planning the academic aspects: the following is not by me but I was struck when I ran across it by how it (especially point 2) very succinctly captured a different, and underappreciated, way of thinking about your academic path. It’s on the subject of “Choosing a Major”:
- Change your way of thinking from a "major" to a "mission." What do you want to do in the world?
- Think less about a "department" and more about a "way of knowing." How do experts in that discipline ask questions about the world? How do they analyze information?
Credit: Prof. Greg Downey of University of Wisconsin - it was in a UW magazine that came in the mail.
DD comes from an OK public school and is in with many kids who attended top private/magnet schools. She chose, on our advice, to take a relatively easy course load first quarter, doing 3 classes instead of 4. Won’t have any impact on graduation as she has AP credits etc. Turned out to be good way to slide into college academics and schedule while adjusting in all the other ways.
My older kid said:
Do,your assignments immediately…when you get them. Don’t delay. Dot put off doing them until,the next day or any other time. Get them done the day you receive them. By doing this,…you will never be behind, and you will have plenty of extra time to do other things.
^^ Great tip from @ihs76. There is SO MUCH going on first semester, there’s nothing wrong with taking a lighter load – either in terms of level or quantity - to start. You can think of “Adapting to College” as your fourth or fifth course.
Re: taking a lighter courseload…if your kid has any kind of financial aid, check first to see how or if that lighter load will affect the aid. At some schools…three courses would only be 9 credits and would NOT be considered full time status. The aid would be prorated accordingly. If merit aid, the student might be required to take a full courseload.
Check first. Never assume it’s going to be OK to take a lighter load.
^^Yes, I should have clarified. DD is at a school on a quarter system where 4 classes is a max load and taking 3 classes is still considered a full course load. They don’t do ‘credits.’
It may also be worthwhile finding out about workload for different classes. For example, first year chemistry at her school apparently involved massive amounts of work with extensive lab writeups (10-15+ hr/week) whereas her first year physics class required no work outside the lab time. She is glad she took physics.