Rough start in college: how to best support new Freshman

Parents Forum
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Hello everyone!
I’m in need of some ideas/support and I do not know who to ask in real life. I am very anxious about my son’s rough start at college.

He is going to college in his hometown and to a University where I also teach and for this reason he wanted to live in campus housing so he has the full experience. He is in a STEM major. He had lived independently, and worked, for 1.5 years before college so he can have the out of hometown experience. That went great and he had a wonderful time. He was sad it ended and very anxious about college. He likes the classes so far, or so he says, so that’s not a problem, at least not yet.

However, now he is having a really really rough time with his 2 roomates. They aren’t bad people, just a really bad match for him, as far as personality and interests. They are the partying/very social type, already brought girls in for intimate activities, there are people at their place every evening, until 3am in the weekends. My son is a lot different and is also gay and he feels dread going to his place. He slept at home when they brought girls over and in general hangs out at home a lot and only goes there to sleep and even then, he’s super anxious and absolutely hates it. I told him to just move home, or try and find a sublease, roommate swap or whatever…but he refuses. He says if he gives up it means he’s weak and he wants to go through it.

I don’t know what I’m asking, I guess I struggle with whether I should be nagging him and insisting he gives up that place and moves home until he finds a better housing situation, or just letting him figure it out all on his own. My constant questions, advice and anxiety don’t seem to help, but at the same time is SO hard to keep quiet and let go. I think he feels even more pressured by my constant questions, advice etc. and I am trying to stop doing that. We dropped him off at his place and he was home in less than one hour! He is down in the dumps and I am worried. Should I back off, or intervene? I can for example call around apartments, put him on lists, send him roomate announcements etc. But I do not think he would like that. It doesn’t help that there is basically no housing left anywhere at this point and he wants to be on campus, not somewhere far.

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Can he contact campus housing and see if it’s possible to switch? Maybe there is another male student who also wants to switch. My son wasn’t really friends with his freshman roommate (no guests though due to COVID restrictions) but made good friends in his dorm and orientation group and is living with them sophomore year.

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Would he be open to problem-solve with a counselor at the college (assuming there are counseling services)? Or even an RA?

Sometimes it is easier to consider suggestions from a neutral third party instead of an anxious parent. Good luck.

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Has he talked to his dorm advisor?
I think that in situations where people have very different habits (different sleep schedules, different quiet times, different ideas on guests), dorm advisors can sometimes act as an intermediary and negotiate a contract for the roommates to sign that sets forth how they agree to live together. I’m sure your son doesn’t want to be a bummer, but he has rights that need to be respected too.

Im sorry your son is having such a negative roommate experience. Let your son know that it’s incredibly common to have such significant differences. This is no reflection on him. No one really wants to hear it, but it’s true that learning how to deal with uncomfortable situations and to negotiate resolutions is an incredible growth experience. Like your kid, my kid had an awful roommate experience. She got through the year by focusing on making friends through ECs and other avenues, and spent minimal time in her own room. Can your son do something similar, or do Covid rules at his school interfere with that?

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These are good suggestions. I just feel that at this point maybe I shouldn’t bring it up for a while and let him figure it out, or suffer enough to finally decide to take my advice and either contact housing for any possible swap, or go to counseling, or look for roomates at least for Spring and just live mostly at home until then…or just make some plan…other than just coming home and looking like he’s going to prison when it’s time to go to the apartment, but insisting he must suffer through. Ugh!

I just don’t know what I should personally do. If it were me in this situation, or if it was OK for me to solve this problem, you bet it would be solved one way or another and in no more than a week. Go all over the internet resources, university resources, call everywhere, talk to everyone, throw money at the problem…whatever it takes. But I don’t have as much control as I used to have when he was little. It’s so hard to parent right now, or should I say, it’s so hard to feel powerless just watching and not being allowed to do antyhing about it. I wish someone told me before it will be like this when kids grow up haha

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No, he hasn’t talked to anyone and refuses to talk to anyone. Just acts like there is nothing he can do, and nothing he will do but suffer and feel dread because that’s how he is staying strong and not being a “loser”. He is afraid every day that they’ll ask him to go to “one of their parties” with packed people screaming, and he doesn’t want to go and also doesn’t want to say no, because he already said no once.

What are ECs? Extracurriculars? I’m glad your daughter was able to go through that OK and come back to the other side. I’m sorry she did have to do that. I do believe it is very common indeed, but it is so rough when you start with all of the adjustments…

There are no covid rules at his school, other than masking indoors, which he doesn’t mind. I"m more worried that he’ll come give me and my husband covid because of the constant partying happening at their place. But no rules will pose a problem, at least not so far.

Today he did go to a club call out. Although he said it wasn’t a club he’d like to join, he enjoyed talking to people there and had interesting conversations. It’s only been a couple of days though, classes started on Monday. I’m sure he’ll likely do what your daugther did, try and find ECs and make friends that way, and only go to his place to sleep.

I think he should either move home, or stop coming home so much. I don’t know…feel powerless, which is not fun at all …

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Seem like if he dislikes the roommate situation and can easily commute from home, commuting from home is the obvious choice if he cannot switch to another room with more compatible roommates.

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One thing you could do, without involving your son, is just check what the school’s policy and process is. At my son’s school, the policy is clearly spelled out in the housing policy that all kids sign on to - there is a two-week freeze at the beginning of the semester and then, if a student still has a roommate conflict, they are to start with the dorm advisor as the next step, with a housing change to be considered after that. At least you would know what the roadmap looks like if he decides to take action. I can understand why moving home might feel like a capitulation to him, and I agree with your intuition that you should maybe stand down for a while and let him try and figure it out. Like others who have posted above, my son was badly mismatched with his first-year roommate - my son is a very disciplined athlete, and the roommate was a hard partier. The situation actually got substantially worse as the year went on, but my son decided to stick it out. I think it helped that he identified his roommates for sophomore year early in his freshman year, so he could see the light at the end of the tunnel. That has worked out very well, and he is rooming with the same two guys again this year. I can’t even say that the roommate mismatch was a learning experience for him - it was just painful - but it was a temporary problem. Your son’s situation sounds worse, especially as it is a triple - it’s awful being the odd man out - and especially as living on campus is something he wanted and worked for, but once he has made his own friends he can discuss the situation with them, hear their roommate war stories and decide what to do.

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I was surprised that the roommates were able to bring dates into the room. COVID rules have gotten pretty loose. I assume everyone is vaccinated-?= but still…I would be concerned on that account alone.

It’s good that he has the pressure release of being able to come home. For now, I hope he can just continue to do that until things settle down. But you have a right to protect yourself as well. Is there any chance you could use the COVOD risk factor to convince him to move home?

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Is it an apartment where he has his own room or a triple dorm room? If it’s the latter then that’s a bigger issue, as he’s unable to live in the shared room when all of that is going on. Luckily he has the option of going home to sleep, which isn’t an option for a lot of students.

I think you should let him work through it on his own for now. Sometimes our kids don’t want us to solve a problem - they just want us to listen or give them feedback (from your post, it also sounds like this is what he wants). His ability to work through a situation like this without your intervention is a big step toward full-on adulthood. Learning to live with strangers in close quarters and working through conflict issues is just as important, in my opinion, as what they are learning in the classroom.

There’s a lot of pressure for college roommate situations to be “insta-worthy” with lots of “roomie love” pics & posts. In reality it’s not like that in many cases. People misrepresent themselves on roommate compatibility questionnaires all the time. My daughter had a horrible freshman year roommate. She attempted to work through it, but ended up requesting that the roommate switch out. Once she got a new roommate, it was smooth sailing. Also, some people are better off living alone - nothing wrong with that. It may be something he can look into for next year.

In the meantime, I would let him take the lead on working through it and support him without trying to fix it.

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Let him take the lead, but make it quite clear that staying at home occasionally or more longer term, is always an option. This means he knows he has an out or a back up option, and maybe just knowing that gives him enough to deal with the situation.

I would also reiterate, gently, that sticking with suffering for the sake of it, is not being strong, and that changing your mind often requires greater fortitude. Also mention the RA process for room mate conflict as others have mentioned

Keep encouraging him in classes, clubs and other activities that don’t involve him room mates and their crowd.

For you: work on your own anxiety and find ways to manage it that don’t include problem solving for him. I know that’s tough, but he has stated his boundary: he wants to figure it out himself. This is why its impt for him to know you / home are there in the background, but not directing.

best of luck

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I have a different take. Coming home helps him avoid the situation. If you lived in another state he would need to be proactive and go talk to the RA and figure out a roommate agreement. I’m in the camp that new freshman need to stay on campus for the first six week. Coming home just prolongs the adjustment.

Joining clubs and finding his people will be key. He may need to try a few before he finds a group to click with.

Definitely rough as a parent to watch your child be unhappy but he’ll get through it. Sending cyber hugs!

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Agree, i’m inclined to think he should take steps ASAP with roommates and RA, engage in housing process for mediation or alternatives, first. Don’t allow him to come home until he takes steps. If the college doesn’t help him resolve differences, then he could come home.

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If I was the parent in this situation I think what I would do would be figure out the procedure for initiating a roommate switch. Maybe call the housing office myself and ask or go on the housing website and ask. Not to do it for him, but then to just say to him, here’s how you do it if you want to contact them – first you do step 1, then they get back with you with step 2, and then if that works then you do step 3. And then I would say you can contact them if you want to get the ball rolling. I wouldn’t do it for him, but would just tell him how to do it if he decides he wants to. I would also let him stay at the house as much as he wants, but maybe say something like you are always welcome here anytime, but I hope you can find more compatible friends another way through clubs or classes or something.

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FWIW, I described your son’s situation with my S19 this evening (he flies back to school tomorrow). He said that, if he knew then what he knows now/had the chance to do it all over again, he would have taken action and asked for a roommate change. It was too painful and it wasn’t worth putting up with it. He also reminded me that he only had to deal with the situation for a little more than one semester, as his class got sent home early in the spring semester because of COVID. Some of the posters above touch on the possibility that what your son’s roommates are doing may not be in conformity with school rules. I think that was probably a factor in my son’s case - talking about the problem with the RA or school officials might have exposed his roommate to disciplinary action. He didn’t like his roommate, but he didn’t necessarily want to get him in trouble.

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Thank you for the replies, it really helps me sort out my thoughts a little.

Regarding the exact rooming situation, he is not in a triple room, that would have been impossible and I think he would have probably just be home… hopefully. The school overadmitted and 2500 students were left with no dorms. He was assigned to “off campus apartments”. The university contracted those for the overflow students. Although these apartments are off campus technically, they are actually on campus. It’s a 3 bedroom apartment, but old and very tiny, and his room is not much bigger than my closet. He can go in his room and close the door. He has done that, and I got him my Bose Sleep buds. He said that once he put them in, he could go to sleep and couldn’t hear the party anymore.

I think the dread is more from feeling the odd man out and the pressure he feels to fit in, which is impossible.

About whether he should live alone, it’s not like this is actually the first time he has roomates. He graduated high school 1 semester early and before he even turned 18, he drove across the country and lived in an apartment in Connecticut, with a roomate from work. The guy was in his mid 20s. They didn’t have furniture, the roomate never cleaned, and my son slept on a mattress directly on the floor, but he made it work. He cleaned himself and got along with the roomate very well. He didn’t like the apartment itself, dark, dirty and no furitnure, and he was spending most of his time at work, which was in a coworking space. He even made some friends at the coworking space and was going out with them and cooking in the shared kitchen at work.

Then COVID hit, he worked from home for a couple of month, after which his company (nonprofit) decided the solution would be for all of the employees to quarantine at a lake house in Vermont, and live and work together there. So he drove to Vermont, lived there with I don’t know how many roomates, I think about 6 or 7. He didn’t enjoy it a lot, but it was fine. They had rules, and turns on cooking and cleaning. What he didn’t enjoy was the fact that it was remote and you had to drive 20 min to anywhere (good because of COVID) and mostly the no separation between work and home. But the setting was beautiful and his coworkers turned roomates were all young, early to mid 20s, although he was the youngest, and they got along great. He grumbled about them taking his car without permission and other stuff like that but no big issue. They then all moved to Bloomington Indiana, where he lived in a house just with one other guy and it was fine. He was coming home at the weekends and his roomate was coming with them. OK, he’s going to Purdue Computer Science, so we are in Indiana.

Then they moved back to Vermont, but this time they didn’t room together and he got his own one bedroom apartment and lived there from October 2020 to June 2021. He enjoyed this time very much, became popular within his community, got some living independently skills and saved a lot of money.

Now, he was already bummed for that to end, and the housing situation is such a downer.

About coming home, I agree with both perspectives, which is what makes it hard to decide what’s best. First, I feel it’s a relief that he can come home and study and sleep when needed, feel comfortable and thus be able to cope. That’s a great option. However, like others have said, I also feel the availability of this solution may make his adjustment longer and make him not take action when things are painful because he has this outlet. Also, it may make him hide at home rather than “hide” in some campus building where he could meet other people.

He doesn’t want to talk to the RA because he doesn’t want to get these kids in trouble and he doesn’t want tension, he wants to get along. I don’t even know if they are vaccinated, the school doesn’t mandate it, just recomends it. Some 86% of students are vaccinated, but I have no idea how many of those who come there every night are or are not vaccinated.

I could try and use the COVID situation to make him take action, either come home, or accept he needs to switch and start the process.

Thank you for the suggestion to find out what the process would be for switching roomates.

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A bit of a contrarian point of view. First off I feel for you as a parent. It is hard to see your kid put in a challenging and uncomfortable spot.

The good news is he seems confident, self aware and resilient. He is somewhere between being an adult and a kid. His situation while difficult isn’t that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

He wants to solve this on his own and seems to be blessed with the self confidence and maturity to do so. Let him.

If it were my child I would remind them I was there if and when they needed help and highlight that this living arrangement is temporary at worst. I would then be clear that I trusted him/her to deal with it and to let me know if they needed me.

This is very likely not to be the biggest challenge your kid faces as he transitions to complete independence. Allow him to face it solo knowing that you are there if needed and it will serve as an opportunity for him to gain further self confidence (keeping in mind he doesn’t seem to want your help).

Tough to do as a parent I know but ultimately will benefit your kid (which is the priority) in my opinion. I know easier said then done. Good luck!!

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@tkoparent is spot on.

Your son needs to stop being a martyr and instead advocate for himself. The roommates are taking advantage of him and he is letting them do it.

In your shoes, I’d play the parent card. I assume you pay his expenses and tuition. Be tough. Tell him you know this whole situation is the pits, but it’s only going to get worse and the one who suffers will be him. You can’t stand by and let that happen because you love him and you’re concerned his mental health and grades will suffer.

Explain why he must alert the RA and/or speak to the res life director about switching rooms. His roommate situation is not salvageable, so frankly, I don’t think anything he does will make it worse. Explain that if he won’t take action, you will have to get involved (this would, of course, be a bad idea) and if he really digs his heels in, have his phone cancelled.

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Would your son be comfortable sitting down with his roommates and setting up their own roommate agreement? Things like limiting guests to certain numbers and hours (especially during the week). That’s a really common thing to do!

I’m pretty sure our kids go to the same school and I’m still reading about lots of available sublets on the FB parent groups if they can’t work it out.

IMO, toughing it out with ill fitting roommates is not a sign of weakness. Yes, try to work out it first but if it doesn’t work, finding other accommodations is just fine in my book.

I’m going to PM you!

.

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Have his phone canceled made me laugh. :)) He wouldn’t care, he has money. When he lived in VT and Indiana, the company paid for all rent AND food (albeit not sufficent or good food), so he’s loaded lol He only had to live off of his salary completely between October 2020 and June 2021.

But I think it is a great suggestion to kinda draw the line after a while. I can’t watch this martyrdom indeed. I think I could just threaten to get involved. He would absolutely hate that and it may make him move his butt and contact the RA and start the switching processs. I think what I’ll do is: 1. Find out what the process is and 2. Give him a deadline to get off his butt and take action or I will (fake threat). 3. Also play the covid card.

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