<p>My DS has been at college for about 1 1/2 weeks. They first did a pre orientation program where the kids went on different outdoor trips in small groups for 3 days. They then returned to campus and started orientation events for 3 days. They finally started classes yesterday. My DS has been calling home every night (well, he didn't call during the camping trip) and wants to videochat. Mostly, he is telling about his day, but his voice sounds kind of down, and he is complaining that he having trouble finding people "like him." He likes to play videogames, and apparently nobody he has met so far shows any interest. Doesn't play sports, so no help there. DH and I told him to attend the clubs/fair festival last night and to sign up for at least 2 or 3 things where the representatives seemed nice and the activity is one he might like. We have told him it is okay to pick something new. His roommate seems like a decent kid, but he is much more outgoing and sporty, and just goes off and does whatever he wants to do on his own. I've told my son to invite one of his floormates to breakfast, lunch of dinner if their door is open. We also told him to go over to the library and sign up for computer help desk....he would be likely to meet people like him. I'm just wondering how long we should let him be miserable before telling him to speak with the RA or go to counseling services. He is somewhat of a shy, geeky kid who is into academics, so it makes it even tougher. Any advice?</p>
<p>It takes time. Starting classes is a good thing, as he should be focused on work. That might distract him from the social anxieties for a couple weeks until he finds his footing and his fellow “geeks” start to find each other. It is likely that his desired group is all lonely in their rooms too and having trouble making connections. Does he have a video game console with him, can he set it up in a common room or lounge so maybe some folks would want to stop and play?</p>
<p>If you read teh “College Life” subforum, it is filled with kids having trouble adjusting. You are suggesting all the right things. He needs to find those other shy geeky kids…they are out there!</p>
<p>He will find friends who like video games, he will find his people. Nerds rule!</p>
<p>My D is also having trouble finding people, adjusting, even just finding her way around. She’s been very much on edge but you are telling him all the right things. It just takes some time.</p>
<p>My D seems happy but we skyped a few days ago and I could see how exhausted she was. Orientation itself was a grueling schedule. Sharing a room. meeting new people constantly not to mention everyone is getting sick (it’s like preschool all over again lol.) Exhaustion might be contributing to your son’s being a bit down. D says her roommate is so overwhelmed that when not eating or in class, she’s laying in her bed with the lights off no matter what time it is. Classes starting will help. His floor mates will establish a routine and he’ll have a better idea who to get breakfast with and such. </p>
<p>Is there a rec area at the college? At D’s school there is a small arcade. If your son’s school has something similar, might be a good place to find gamers. Clubs are good but they can also be intimidating. Encourage him to sign-up but don’t be surprised if it still takes awhile for him to feel a social benefit. Getting to know people and feel safe with them just takes time.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s too early for him to talk to an RA. That is what they are there for and he might feel better when he realizes he’s not alone. The RA is also more likely to have ideas for him specific to his college too.</p>
<p>OP, he doesn’t sound miserable to me. It’s not rainbows and unicorns, but it doesn’t sound miserable either. Give it time. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Oh my goodness, I think that’s the most accurate description I’ve seen of the early days of college yet. We recommend a book, The Naked Roommate, that pretty much says all those kids who seem to be having the time of their life right off the bat? As insecure as the kid who claims he can’t find anyone like him. Just keep encouraging him to hang in there.</p>
<p>For a lot of kids, especially the quiet ones, it can take until Thanksgiving or so to find “their people.” It is hard to leave close HS friends that have been nurtured over the years and seek out an entirely new group. The advice to join a couple of clubs was good – some schools even have video game related clubs. He should check out any dorm sponsored activities as well. The start of classes is a good thing too – it will give him something to focus on He is not unusual. Friends will come. If he talks to the RA it should be about asking what types of actives there are on campus that meet his interests.</p>
<p>My daughters are exactly the opposite, with lots of new friends and activities, but they still have anxiety over things. One had almost the same experience as OP’s son, with a 4 day mtn bike trip, then a weekend of activities, a football game, freshmen meetings, etc. She loved all that but is having a bit of angst about classes which finally started yesterday. I just talked to her and she’s still iffy about the classes, didn’t get a call back for her audition, can’t believe the book for a history class is $100. At the time we talked someone was supposed to call for dinner but hadn’t, and she didn’t know what to do. Too MUCH social life, not enough focus. I couldn’t pry her away from school if I tried, yet she still has worries about it all.</p>
<p>The other daughter had ready made friends with her team sport, but struggled breaking away to do the things she wanted to do, like sorority rush. She didn’t want to be forced into only certain activities.</p>
<p>Let’s face it, transitions are hard. It takes time to find friends, activities, an academic balance. Use the resources like RA’s or club/activities fairs, perhaps religious groups, or dorm activities. If organized sports aren’t your thing, try an intramural like broomball or ultimate frisbee or even a class at the rec center in zumba or water aerobics.</p>
<p>I really think OP’s son will be fine when classes get going and there isn’t so much forced fun that isn’t fun for him. Both of mine were happy when classes start and they liked the fun, but both wanted school to start.</p>
<p>I am an introverted, nerdy gamer. I understand your son quite well. What I did was wait until a Saturday night when most people were out drinking and then just went around the dorm looking for people who were still there. Ended up finding a group of guys gaming and quickly found friends! </p>
<p>What a lot of freshmen find draining is the need to be “on” constantly. Trying so hard to fit in, to be seen as cool, to figure out the new normal, to deal with a whole host of “new” is exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally.</p>
<p>They look around and think everyone else is ahead of them but reay almost everyone is in the same kind of systemic shock and just hiding it better or are being caught in a moment where they are not alone</p>
<p>The huge groups of freshmen going everywhere in a gaggle are just as lonely and insecure. That’s why they are in the gaggle. They don’t have any friends yet and so are trying to fit in. If they werent going with the crowd they would be home alone.</p>
<p>A great ice breaker can be to learn to play some card games. A pack of cards is portable and a game draws people in and gives them something to talk about. It can be much easier to strike up conversation this way instead of sitting alone in a common area trying to make conversation which can be feel forced or awkward.</p>
<p>All have to adjust to higher level of academic standard. How hard or easy, I do not know. If kid started at UG that is not fitting her very well, I guess, it may be harder. So (for all future applicants), choose your UG very carefully, do not take advice from others, check out yourself, thru multiple visits, overnights, but then still be prepared to adjust even if you are the cream of the crop kid from very rigorous school. Be prepared to take remedial classes and or hire private tutors / participate in SI sessions, visit prof’s office…do anything and everything to bring yourself up academically, there is no exception to that…</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for your responses to having a hard time adjusting as a freshman. DS said he went to the club/activities fair the other night, and he did sign up for a few clubs. Unfortunately, the college had one of their bands performing at the fair, and DS said the amplifiers were so high up that nobody could hear anyone else.
He does have a gaming console set up in his dorm room, but it’s not portable, so he would not be able to take it into the common room. Hopefully, this weekend there will be things to do other than go to another dorm and do some serious partying. As of last night, DS said he did not know what was going on for the weekend. He hasn’t said he wants out of there or wants to come home, and we haven’t been saying anything other than encouraging him, but if things haven’t turned around by Thanksgiving, we’re going to have to have some serious discussions about whether he continues there next semester. It’s a lot of tuition to be paying if DS isn’t happy…</p>
<p>Labby- hugs.</p>
<p>Don’t lock yourself into a mindset that if your son isn’t whistling the campus fight song by Thanksgiving he needs to transfer. If he finds the academics sufficiently challenging, has started to cultivate one or two friends, and is productively occupied when he’s not in class or doing homework, seems to me that’s enough for a Thanksgiving progress report.</p>
<p>All of mine loved their colleges (eventually) but none of them were pounding the table at Thanksgiving that they had found nirvana. But we didn’t even consider that the college might be a bad fit (and they weren’t) because they were finding the intellectual stimulation so satisfying.</p>
<p>So dial back the concerns about the social life as long as your son doesn’t sound miserable. This isn’t summer camp- he’s there to get an education- and as long as he’s doing that, and seems stable otherwise, the rest takes time.</p>
<p>My kids found the best way to get a quick group of buddies (if not life long friends) was to volunteer for something. Coat drive for the homeless, bone marrow drive for a beloved food server in the cafeteria, voter registration… Frequently the organizing meetings will be over a meal (the only free time that everyone can be in the same place) so after a 'swipe" the kids sit at a big table together and conduct their business. And then- someone to walk back to the dorm with! Someone to meet for coffee the next day! A gang to walk over to Kinko’s to pick up the signs and the banners and the table cards (too much for one person to shlep).</p>
<p>Before you know it, your son is meeting THEIR roommates and their friends and their teammates and then he can start figuring out who is people are. But a big head start if he can find a gang doing some volunteer project that he can tolerate!!!</p>
<p>What @blossom said! And I suspect very few freshmen know on Thursday what they’ll be doing over the weekend. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Have him do it now. At my D’s freshman orientation, we parents were told that during fall semester, the most common problem seen at the counselling center was homesickness/difficulty adjusting. They’re well equipped to help him. No point in waiting.</p>
<p>In addition to the other excellent ideas, here’s a trick my shy D used; maybe it will work for your son. She’d take a book out into a very public area, plop down and start reading (a novel, so it was clear she wasn’t studying and was open to interruptions). Over the first couple of weeks, she took her book into the main lounge of the dorm, the kitchen on her floor, the student union building, the quad – anywhere with a lot of foot traffic. People might occasionally say hi as they passed, or stop and chat for a minute. Once as she was reading in the coffee shop, a girl she knew very slightly asked if she could join her. They ended up going to a campus event that night, where D met another girl who invited her to movie night in her room, where she met the girl who ended up being her best friend. Getting out there – physically out there – and being open to invitations, are the keys.</p>
<p>Thanks, Blossom. I especially appreciate your comment about giving it time. I guess I am expecting “love at first sight,” but I have to remember how many things are “brand new” for him. I love your idea about volunteering for a cause, too.</p>
<p>@labbydog, I expected “love at first sight” from the college tour process, but that didn’t happen – D liked a number of the schools we visited and only applied to ones she thought she’d be happy at. She attends the one that offered the best $. Was worried that she made her decision solely on that factor, but when we visited in November of her first year, we overheard her tell someone how happy she was that she had chosen to attend her school and couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. </p>