Advice from parents for parent -- controlling dorm choice?

<p>D, by her choice, lived in a gender neutral substance free dorm one of her four years of college. The kids that had been forced into this dorm ruined the spirit of it for everyone else. They drank anyway in other dorms and either stumbled back to the dorm where they did things like tear up furniture and trash the bathrooms or complained bitterly about their parent’s choice of sub-free. It was a bad situation as the resentment between the forced kids and the sub-free grew.</p>

<p>If he decides to party, sub free or living-learning won’t stop it. Neither will a LAC versus a large college. </p>

<p>We set a GPA standard for our son (3.2) and provided no spending money for him. We did not allow a car on campus first semester (in order to establish the GPA) and required that he show us his transcript through the online portal. We are paying for his education and, quite frankly, I am too old to be paying for mistakes. We were generous with music lessons, sports, camps and cultural experiences throughout his childhood. He has had his opportunity to experiment growing up. We also set a bottom line on low GPA. Anything below a 2.0 and he would have to come home. It is amazing how much more careful they are with money they have to earn themselves (S worked as a lifeguard and in the college’s library). Beyond that, we left him alone. </p>

<p>In our case, it has worked well. S has taken on his education and we have never checked on his education. He happily shows us his grades and is now a junior. He had a few episodes of having a hangover but nothing significant. We have a great relationship and he has never resented our expectations.</p>

<p>Agree with mom on living-learning. Those communities do not involve policing of students and, someone forced into one of those situations is not going to “see the light”. As with the sub-free, they are likely to ruin the experience for those students who chose the community.</p>

<p>I wasn’t quite as hands off as Calla above, but I do agree with what she says 100%. Staying out of it somehow has them coming to you more often for actual salient advice. And truth is, whatever you suggest when they are freshman is probably going to lead them to want to do the complete opposite if only to show their independence. </p>

<p>I have heard a gazillion roommate from hell stories from people of just about every generation living. In the end, I would prefer that my kid not have any space in the equation of something so innocuous to either give me credit or blame me.</p>

<p>If a kid wants to party, he will find it, no matter where he lives. On the other hand, ther is nothing wrong with some partying while in college. </p>

<p>D1 wanted to join a sorority and live in it. H was pretty firm with her GPA. Our minimum was 3.0 for staying in school, but H said if her GPA fell below 3.33(B+) she was moving out to an apartment or a dorm. D1 told H that it would be hard to get an apartment or dorm in middle of a year. H told her not worry, he would find a way. D1 knew we were serious. The year she lived in her sorority was one of her best years. </p>

<p>The first year was not the best year for D1 academically because of new environment, and frankly too much partying. We had access to her grades the first year and kept us in the loop on what she was doing. But after the first year, once we knew she was on track, we stopped checking up on her. It was a gradual thing. At some point, she realized she controlled 90% of her success, and we had very little influence on her life.</p>

<p>Modadunn, we initially weren’t so hands off by choice, but it did work out and taught us a few lessons along the way. S1 was quite rebellious (long story) and we had serious doubts about his ability to make it. But what was crystal clear to us was, we needed to be out of the equation. He was exceptionally skilled at blaming us for things that went wrong in his life and I’m sure he lacked confidence in his successes because we’d been trying to tell him what to do. So we needed to back off and let his success or failure be his own. </p>

<p>He has matured a lot and our relationship is much improved. He actually calls and talks to me when he needs support and advice. And we freely give him credit for the success he is having.</p>

<p>Just chiming in to give my advice to let the student decide. If there is a significant cost differential which parents are paying for, that would be a reason for the parents to intervene. Otherwise, the parents can give their advice and share their point of view, but let the student decide.</p>

<p>Adjusting to college is tough. Living in a room and having a roommate is a big change. Odds of having conflict with a roommate is high. If the student goes into it thinking that he is not living where he wants to be and is only there because his parents made him, it could impact how he handles the situation. Better that the student feels ownership in the dorm decision, and hence feels personally responsible to handle any conflicts that arise.</p>

<p>My S had problems with his roommate freshman year, with the roommate eventually dropping out of school. As he dealt with it, I’m glad that it was not based upon a dorm choice that I had forced on him. For his sophomore year, he wanted to have a single off-campus apartment instead of in a dorm with a roommate. My H and I were a bit hesitant about that, but given that the costs were actually less than a dorm would be, we let him make his own choice. As H said, if S had ended up in the dorm we wanted, and had a problem, then he could have blamed us for it. The apartment has ended up working well, and he will stay in the same place next year.</p>

<p>Calla–boy can I relate–our oldest wasn’t rebellious but he was great at blaming us if things didn’t go his way. Other than driving him to campus visits, we were very hands off with him. We made a couple of suggestions of schools he might want to consider knowing he wanted a really small school and left the rest to him. Had we done more than that and it went wrong, the blame would have been all ours :D. Luckily he has grown up quite a bit now and actually asks us for advice now. The rest of the kids are more open to listening to suggestions, wanting our help, etc. which has it’s ups and downs too.</p>

<p>We did make one suggestion for dorms for our oldest and that was to request a lake view room vs a parking lot view. He was ok with that suggestion.</p>

<p>sacchi–even if cost is an issue, the parents can simply say, “we will give you $XXXX for a dorm room” and let them decide after that. If they want to spend more than that, the student can figure out a way to come up with the extra money.</p>

<p>I did insist on D1 getting a single. She didn’t want it initially, but thanked me few weeks into it. All her younger cousins ended up getting singles at other schools after her positive experience. For her second year, she had to get roommate at her sorority. It also worked out well because they were so similar. </p>

<p>I frankly do not understand the value of forcing perfect strangers to share a living space. At no time would we ever have to do that in our life. It really causes more stress to college students than their course load.</p>

<p>I agree with the others here. It is the first of many such decision he will be making on his own. My hair stood straight up when my kids wanted to go off campus. They had the option of nice on-campus apartments with every amenity and preferred to live in some slum and engage in turf wars with crack dens. I don’t even pretend to get it.</p>

<p>OP here, thank you for the insight and experience, very helpful. </p>

<p>Our thought on the learning community is not that there is greater oversight but rather the peer group – which he tends to be heavily influenced by – is collectively more likely to be a positive influence. Chad at UW is about 600 person dorm, where the theme/focus is the College of Letters & Science; some class sections meet in the building (though that is true of a number of dorms), there is a lot of programming etc. We know he will party, and does already, so we do not want or expect to control that. Rather, we would like him to be around a group of folks who are not only doing that and who will bring out what he considers his “inner nerd.” </p>

<p>We had a good conversation about it last night, and we are both much more relaxed about the whole process. </p>

<p>Thanks again for your advice and support.</p>

<p>Let him make his own choice, however you can suggest he make a pro/con list of his options, so he doesn’t let one variable carry him away. Suggest items such as distance to dining hall, library, likely class locations be on the list, along with laundry facilities, # students. co-ed by floor/room, etc.</p>

<p>In addition to being good at setting the blame, kids are also good at creating the situation their parents hoped would be avoided.</p>

<p>I can easily see a kid saying, “My parents put me here because they were sure I’d flunk out anywhere else. Well, I’ll show them! They think they can control me; I’ll do what I want anyway.” Of course, not as blatantly, but the end result could be the same.</p>

<p>A smart, hardworking peer group does not guarantee less partying. D’s school is a top LAC full of bright kids with plans of grad school. I naively thought there would be less partying. The percentage of kids that end up with alcohol poisoning there is higher than our state U. There is a “work hard, party hard” mentality. The workload at this school is very intense. Some feel the substance abuse is a misguided attempt to reduce stress.</p>

<p>When I read threads like this one and see the anxiety level escalating for one or both parents I immediately wonder why more parents don’t encourage a gap year for their children. There are just too many kids who do not belong in college at 17, 18 or 19 years of age. The OP started the entire college process with doubts regarding her sons decision making and ability to be successful at his choice of school and now the concern is where he should live. These are red flag concerns that probably indicate that there have been issues regarding his choices in the past. </p>

<p>OP have you considered suggesting a gap year or a year at a community college with a part time job? I think the college campus’ have their share of kids who could benefit from growing up before they come on campus and spend the year partying, gaming, or whatever else they are doing with the exception of academics. For some parents with money to spare it may not be considered a bad thing to see their kid go off and learn and grow from the mistakes made during the first year but for others college is a sacrifice that parents make to provide that education that some kids just aren’t ready for. I would be hard pressed to ever spend that kind of money for a kid who was not academically motivated when they went off to college. </p>

<p>When the cost of college is as high as it is I want to know that I am seeing something for the money I am spending and that includes the expectation of a certain GPA as well as maturity during that first year. There is nothing wrong with stating what you expect right from the start for that first semester. If your son wants to stay at this school he will either rise to the occasion and work to achieve the min GPA you set, or he could come home when the fall semester ends. Parents do not have to accept a four year party on their hard earned money. Set the expectations and stick to them.</p>

<p>Parents who force their children to select certain rooming situations ruin the atmosphere for those who willingly chose that situation. A friend of mine changed her son’s rooming questionnaire behind his back because she wanted him to get a quiet roommate as a form of behavior control. Well he got a shy roommmate, and was miserable about it, as was the roommate who would have preferred a quieter companion. My son wanted a single freshman year, but I said no because I didn’t want him to be alone so far from home. He wasn’t alone alright–he was with a derelict and all the derelict’s friends who destroyed his stuff. I let second child choose with no interference. That said, I think it’s OK to allow your son to choose where he wants to live, but to also demand in return attendance at study sessions or some other safety net feature if you think he needs it. When parents worry, it’s often with good reason. When I expressed particular worries about one of mine, people laughed at me and pooh-poohed the concerns. Well guess what? The student had exactly the problems I expected and no net underneath. Listen to your gut.</p>

<p>Scanned posts. Know the campus and Res Halls from personal experience (long ago as a student and recently as a parent). I hope you have read the posts about housing on the UW forum. Excellent choice for academics and campus life! Back off and let him do his own rankings. He will do fine in any dorm of his choosing. Let him decide Lakeshore or Southeast. Let him decide if he wants a Learning Community (I personally wouldn’t). There are no bad dorms for students, despite postings about “party dorms” et al. He will do better if he feels it is his choice, not yours. All students need to study in all dorms. He will initially spend time with people from his dorm then branch out as he meets people in classes and activities. Despite any “party” reputations there will always be plenty of students who don’t. Where he lives will not prevent him from partying or force him to.</p>

<p>Short answer. It is HIS life and his choice. Your role is to point out problems such as wanting one area of campus but slipping in a dorm with the opposite location high on his list- ie proofreading. The whole campus area is his neighborhood and it doesn’t matter where he lives- he will go where he wants regardless of the distances. There will be noisy and quiet people in all dorms- they’re over well 50% freshmen…</p>

<p>There will be Honors program students all over Res Halls- they don’t have special housing- a good idea to not segregate students this way. There will be diversity all over for academic interests. Letting him choose will put him with other students who also thought they wanted that location- something in common. So many diverse buildings ranging from very old to new, different sizes and other features (but all well maintained and with the same basics, pay more for air conditioned dorms et al)- pros and cons for every one.</p>