Hey guys. So I just had a college interview and my interviewer stared at my chest the whole time. My dress was loose, neck-high, and covered by a scarf, so I don’t think that I was provoking his behavior, but I’m not sure what to do. Do I alert the college? It’s not like the interview was bad otherwise, but I was really uncomfortable because he kept moving his eyes rapidly between my chest and face, as if to cover up his stare. Normally, this behavior from anyone wouldn’t bug me– I have a chest and there’s nothing you can do about it– but this man was at least 50 and it was simply inappropriate and I wouldn’t want him to behave that way with anyone else.
Please keep your comments kind. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Thanks.
I’m concerned about your comments regarding “not provoking” that behavior and you “didn’t mean” for it to happen. That sort of behavior is never okay. You did nothing wrong.
I’m not sure about the best way to handle it. @Gibby is well versed in elite admissions and may have some advice to offer.
Are you positive? (i.e.; some ppl find it hard to look you in the eye?)
If you are sure, then you could email admissions that it made you uncomfortable. Honestly, I would just move on though. It might just be more difficult to deal with it again.
I would just move on. Nothing can be proven.
I agree with @austinmshauri that there is no circumstance under which you would’ve been at “fault” for such behavior. Don’t do that to yourself.
Like @HRSMom, I had a moment of “are you sure?” NOT because I doubt you or think you did anything wrong, but because I wondered if perhaps your interviewer is autistic and unaware of the inappropriateness of his behavior. Some people are very awkward in that way, but not lecherous, y’know?
Regardless, you are a young adult trying to get into a college and the interviewer made you uncomfortable. If you were my daughter, I would offer you the option to either contact the Admissions Office yourself or I would offer to do so on your behalf (if you’re under 18 and felt uncomfortable making that call). Often colleges will allow any alumni who volunteer to conduct interviews, and maybe no one has told them that this guy is super creepy. How would you feel knowing that he was interviewing other young women, moving forward, because you didn’t say anything? The call is very simple: “Hi, this is Princetonian1013 and I’m a current applicant who recently had an interview. I am wondering to whom I could speak about what I perceived as inappropriate behavior on the part of my interviewer.” You can explain that you’re very uncomfortable reporting him, but it was unpleasant enough that you’d hate for another student to go through what you did. It will not affect your admit chances and they will probably be grateful to you for speaking up. (If for some reason you are still worried about it somehow affecting your admission, you could wait until you get your decision to make the call… at which time, if you are not accepted, you should stress that this has nothing to do with your rejection.)
I’m sorry this happened to you. Good for you for speaking up.
You say you were wearing a scarf. Was it a bright color or busy pattern? Could it have been the scarf that his eyes were unintentionally drawn to?
If you were uncomfortable, then you were uncomfortable. That’s a feeling that you have as a woman. I’m sorry you had to deal with this.
Proving it is another story.
I would recommend letting it ride until decisions have been made. You NEVER KNOW if there would be any retaliation.
Then, I wouldn’t hesitate to let the admissions office know that their interviewer made you feel yucky.
Your instinct about the stare was most likely correct. It made you uncomfortable. That is all anyone needs to know. I am sorry you experienced this.
What to do about it? First, you could complain about it. I actually think you should (but I’m just this stranger on CC). You know you have a chest, you have dealt with stares before. This particular stare somehow went beyond your usual experience and comfort zone. In my world, enough said.
Second, when should you complain about it? Paranoia will say don’t complain while decisions are still pending because it could somehow hurt your chances. I cannot comment on what your heart is telling you to do. I can say that, if you need/want to complain or tell someone, doing so April 1st or thereafter may not save the potential 1-3 more people this person might interview, but it will help in the long-term. Even if complaints are not initially believed because of “no evidence”, this interviewer might have already received such complaints before. One more just might be enough to tip the balance. Alternatively, you might be the first one to complain. But someone also has to be.
Third, here’s my real advice. Talk to your parents. Listen to your heart. Think with your head. Then make a decision you can live with. After this process, accept that decision, make it happen (or accept non-action), and then move on. You had control over this situation and exercised it. And I mean this—no matter what decision you reached, it was the right one. for you. Good for you.
I don’t think you can,or should, do anything. Not trying to be harsh. Unless the interviewer said something inappropriate or did something physically inappropriate there is nothing you can do. You believe he looked at your chest, but I can imagine, if you reported he looked at your chest, then he gets called on it, maybe he will respond with “I have no idea what you mean. Our interview was fine. I did nothing inappropriate and I have no idea why she said that.”
You will go through life meeting people who make you uncomfortable. It’s your job to learn how to deal with those situations. How many times have you had a one on one interview with a middle aged man? (Other than a relative.) Not many, I am guessing. Maybe you are an attractive girl, and maybe he was thinking, “goodness, she is pretty, I best not stare at her face the whole time. I will look away frequently so she doesn’t think I am staring at her.” Isn’t it possible that because you are inexperienced he was also occasionally looking above your head, or to the side, or at your chest, or behind you, because he didn’t want to stare into your eyes? Plenty of people have a hard time with eye contact.
But maybe he did stare at your chest. You said the interview was not bad. It’s no crime to look at a woman’s chest, even if it makes you uncomfortable, but the fact that the interview wasn’t bad suggests to me that if he really had just been staring at you, the interview would have more likely been very awkward and left you with a negative impression.
As a woman who has been sexually harassed, you will know it when it happens. Unless you have concrete proof (eyewitness account from an impartial observer, etc…) I don’t think you should say anything. There can be severe consequences for reporting people for these types of behaviors, and once the damage has been done, it’s hard to undo. Possibly ruining a person’s career or family life, because he stared at your chest, is not a fair punishment. As I said, all kinds of people will make you uncomfortable as you go through life, women too. You can’t report everyone who makes you feel uncomfortable. In future, if you feel uncomfortable, simply excuse yourself and leave. Say you feel ill, or whatever. I advise you not to report this.
I would report it, but personally, I’d wait until after decisions came out. I assume he’s an alumni interviewer? They will probably just ask someone else to take his place.
If he can’t keep his eyes off a teenaged girls breasts, he shouldn’t be out there representing the school.
Coming back to respectfully disagree with @Lindagaf that “you will know it when it happens.” First of all, the OP has already said she felt that it happened. She then came here because she felt unsure – because that is what our society does when women are made to feel uncomfortable (blame and question them) – and is now being told to be quiet because it could harm the man in question. Assuming this is an alumni interviewer, it’s not going to ruin his career or life. He will simply not be asked to interview applicants in the future. She’s not pressing charges or crying rape, she is bringing a LEGITIMATE CONCERN to the attention of the people sending him out to interact with potential students.
I absolutely agree that the safest course of action (in terms of any retaliation worries) is to wait until after decisions come out to say anything, but I vehemently disagree that the transgression would be 100% clear and indisputable if it actually happened. Most sexual harassment IS borderline and subtle; that’s how people get away with it, and that’s how we continue to teach our young women that their feelings matter less than important men. No. Let’s not do that to this young lady. Don’t invalidate her experience. Disagree about how to proceed, but please don’t tell her she’ll “know it when it happens” while implying that any uncertainty means she’s wrong.
“You will go through life meeting people who make you uncomfortable.” Yep. Very true. And if they are making you uncomfortable in ways which are inappropriate rather than simply personal preference, you have a right – and even a responsibility – to speak up. Always. People will make you uncomfortable, but it is not your job to make sure they get away with it.
/soapbox
I want to repeat this is not your fault. It is almost certain that your hunch is correct and this interviewer was being inappropriate. I would recommend notifying the admissions office after April 1st regardless of your admissions decision. Many people would like to minimize inappropriate behavior of others or explain it away but you must trust your instincts. Would a normal person stare at someone’s chest while talking to them? No.
Only you know if you were uncomfortable. It was obviously troubling enough to post here so it did effect you.
You need to weight the pros and cons. You should consider the best case scenario. Is it the guy gets fired? Is it that you get accepted? Is it they give you a large scholarship? Whatever it is, does you reporting this accomplish that outcome? Do the same for worst case.
This is really a worst case for you in that it is difficult to prove in so many ways. The guy is a jerk and a pervert. It is commendable that you wish to save others from what you had to endure.
Clearly you have been harmed and do deserve redress. How to accomplish that is the question and dilemma.
Since you will be the one to experience the risk and reward, only you can really decide what you feel is the right thing to do. There is no clear cut answer we can give you.
Good luck.
As an aside, this is why it is important to meet in a public place for any such interviews.
I’m sorry that you were uncomfortable. I would venture to say that this was possibly involuntary subconscious behavior with no malice. I would just let it go. I’ve occasionally caught myself “looking” without meaning to and would be really embarrassed to be called out on it. What I mean by “without meaning to” is that sometimes I’m focused on the conversation I’m having and my eyes wander where they shouldn’t. This rarely happens, but it has happened. I’m not sure what the proper behavior is when I catch myself, but I just ignore it and carry on the conversation hoping that my involuntary act will be forgiven. I’m sure that I’m not alone in this.
I’m sorry you were put in a difficult situation. Regardless of what other posters say, what you experienced WAS sexual harassment- it was action by someone related to your body that made you feel uncomfortable. I disagree with people trying to excuse it as a “mistake”- he’s an adult man who is acting as a representative of an Ivy League institution, he should know how to act with young women. Autism or any other form of social disorder does not excuse someone from acting inappropriately towards minors- sorry, it doesn’t. You should not be subjected to discomfort during a college interview.
My advice would be to wait until after decisions are released, and regardless of an acceptance or rejection, call the admissions office and ask them how best to proceed with a complaint. Make it clear you do not wish to change your decision, but want to ensure no other applicant has to go through what you did. As long as you approach it respectfully, I think they would prefer to know as they don’t want people like that guy representing their school.
And respectfully, @yankeeinGA , I vehemently disagree with your view. We cannot go around reporting people every time we are not comfortable with them. That’s the same as saying guilty until proven innocent.
OP of course did nothing wrong. The OP is young and inexperienced. I don’t doubt her discomfort, but again, it is not a crime to look at a chest. It is not even necessarily sexual harassment. None of us were there. It is entirely possible that OP, being inexperienced, simply misinterpreted this man, or it is entirely possible he indeed stared at her chest. It is important to bear in mind that she says the interview was not bad. Surely, if she was that uncomfortable, if he was staring at her sexually, she would have thought the interview was much worse than not bad.
In today’s world, there can be severe repercussions for claiming sexual harassment. People’s careers and lives have been ruined for telling off-color jokes, let alone being accused of sexual harassment. This poster needs to be 100% sure, with no doubt, that she was being stared at in a sexual manner, and understand the potential consequences of reporting the man. If he was unequivocally staring in a sexual manner, then yes, report him. I do not believe being stared at by someone and not reporting it allows men to “get away with” harassment. Not everything that makes us uncomfortable constitutes a crime.
@Lindagaf I respectfully disagree with you. From all the corporate training I have received, this is a very clear cut case of sexual harassment.
Proving it is difficult but if it is as she described, it is sexual harassment.
Agree to disagree, @Lindagaf. Again, I think such a mindset leads someone young and inexperienced to assume that if they weren’t touched or spoken to inappropriately, everything is a-ok, when (as has been pointed out above), there are plenty of ways to harass someone without either of those components. While I’m happy to tell my kids to “suck it up, buttercup,” if my daughter told me this had happened to her I would be livid and would encourage her to make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else. (Also, reporting inappropriate behavior is… reporting inappropriate behavior. How is that “the same as saying guilty until proven innocent?” She would be reporting her uncomfortable experience, and then the school is free to utilize that information or not.)
@Princetonian1013, I hope you’ll update us at some point. Sounds like you’ll land on your feet either way.
I get what @Lindagaf is saying. A stare, or even a few stares, is not really severe or pervasive enough to satisfy a definition of harassment (or hostile environment). On a subjective level, sure. Objectively, to a reasonable person, I don’t think this would satisfy that legal definition. I get that leering in more than one encounter could (and I daresay that many courts might require lots of leering to be unlawful). But, that does not mean that one should not complain and privately suck it up all the time (also, this is not what Lindagaf is saying either). “Complain” does not mean punish the other person. “Complain” can mean improve this situation. Sometimes, a person is acting unconsciously, and once a matter is brought to their attention, self-correction can occur. Yes, some complaints can have serious consequences. In this context? A volunteer interviewer who made a college applicant uncomfortable? I think making a complaint and letting the “adults” handle it is a fine solution. Again, my opinion is based on the idea that the OP has received “normal” stares before. This particular one made her feel uncomfortable. There is something in that valuation. And that something is what makes considering making a complaint a viable option. Just my opinion.