<p>Can you get into a PhD program that not only pays your tuition and fees but also a "decent" stipend. (By the way, my advice to ANYONE looking at a PhD program in the humanities is to ONLY go to a program that offers tuition + decent stipend - it's foolish (in my opinion) to go into debt to get a degree in English or history or philosophy, etc. when the chances are very real you may never get a tenure-track faculty position and even if you do, they don't pay very well and you'll have a problem paying off your loans.)</p>
<p>If this were possible, I would not be facing this dilemma. :) Yes, I have heard this same argument, which is why I'm being rather conservative (and I am, I'll admit it). I cannot get more than I listed in my first post anywhere, and getting that much would be hard enough, because these scholarships are competitive.</p>
<p>My advice as a much older woman who, together with many friends, has lived what you are living: Please dont get married for the sake of a wedding or a house. You can have a wedding party with all the trappings at any age. Absolutely dont get married for the sake of a house! You can always buy a house and if you are serious about academics it will only be a hindrance. Dont encumber yourself unnecessarily and use this time before you have responsibilities to do what you want. Youth is the time to be reckless. Youth is not such a bad time to be poor if it allows you freedom for study and travel. You should be able to have a serious relationship without limiting your life choices and opportunities. If that isnt possible in this relationship, please ask yourself why it isnt? Know what you want. Find a partner who supports and accommodates your goals.</p>
<p>Absolutely the only reason I would encourage someone as young as you to marry or commit to a serious relationship is if you are certain you want children and want to have them before 30. You havent brought that up so I doubt it is a priority for you but that <em>might</em> change my advice. </p>
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A wedding costs money; and if we are going to move and I will not have an income for a few years, it would be wiser to use our savings for that rather than splash out on a wedding.
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You're confusing a wedding with a marriage. And yes, I come from a culture that "requires" a big celebration. But you can break with "culture" for a while, and have a big celebration on your fifth anniversary. It's the commitment to the marriage that's important, not the wedding. If you want to be married, be married.</p>
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only I really feel like I want to start my own life. I don't want to be primarily someone's daughter anymore, but a woman who can support herself.
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So to "prove" your independence, you'll go from being primarily someone's daughter to being primarily someone's wife? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me.</p>
<p>It sounds like you don't want to get married right now. Get some counseling so you can figure out what it is that you really want.</p>
<p>Another one wondering about the either/or stance. H and I married at 22--in a courthouse--and then both got our PhDs, living on very little money, renting apartments, riding our bikes, dressing like students, etc. for a very long time. We enjoyed those years, a lot.</p>
<p>Boyfriend wants you to help him buy a house. No way. What culture expects a lavish wedding celebration but has no expectation that the husband be able to provide for his wife? No one making minimum wage should be thinking about buying a house. Follow your dreams.</p>
<p>He wants us to buy a house together. Just because a culture may expect the husband to take care of the wife does not mean that's right. I have no intention of being dependent on my husband and I'm sure most women would agree that any other arrangement (if it's long-term anyway) is rather old-fashioned and likely to cause drama before the end. :)</p>
<p>Briseis - this sounds harsh, but I wouldn't marry a guy that's making minimum wage now. Wait. Let him get a real job first. I tell my girls to marry a guy after he is 30, at that point they will know how the guy will do in the future. They need to be comfortable with what the guy will be able to do financially (whatever that may be). They also need to make sure the guy will be able to hold down a job and be financially responsible. This is not to advocate only marrying rich guy or a guy that makes a lot of money, but for a guy that could at least be in a position to support the family jointly with my daughter.</p>
<p>You could be a single, independent woman, and not be viewed "primarily as someone's daughter." You don't need to jump from having your parents supporting you to have your husband supporting you.</p>
<p>I pretty much agree with you! Except in the case of two young people in grad or professional school. Or in the case of a young woman who is clear she wants a very high stress, demanding hours type of career and children and prefers to look for a partner who is willing and interested in being primary caregiver and making her career a priority.</p>
<p>I am not sure I understand the question. I know plenty of people (myself included), who were married, had kids, had full time jobs and went to graduate school in a evening and graduated with awesome GPAs some of them from very selective / highly ranked schools that even reguire hour travel one way. Everything is possible, just need to know exactly what you want.</p>
<p>Mark me down as another who earned a Ph.D. while married to a women who also was earning her Ph.D. while having two kids. We both worked a variety of jobs as well as went to school and took turns with the kids, often bringing them to our school offices. It is amazing what can be done. All I can remember was how much fun we had.</p>
<p>Am I understanding correctly that if you choose marriage you will be married people, neither of whom has great job prospects? You'll buy whatever home you can afford on your small salaries and then what? Both work in low end jobs for the rest of your lives? I think you'd end up hating the house that enslaved you.</p>
<p>I see nothing mature about doing that. When you settle down it should be because both of you have done what you need to do as individuals to get where you want to go. If you can do it together, great, but if you were my child thinking of cutting your potential short to set up house I would not help pay for that wedding!</p>
<p>I would also not feel good about a potential spouse who was worried about trouble replacing a minimum wage job more than your mutual, successful future and not wanting to invest in that.</p>
<p>It is also not a good idea to go into the marriage and buy a house with the expectation that you will always work. Buying a house now that depends on two incomes means that you will never be able to change your mind -- to be a stay-at-home-mom, for example, or to try to start your own business, or to change careers and earn less for a while.</p>
<p>Be careful what you wish for.</p>
<p>Again, I see no reason why you have to decide anything right now. Spend six months or a year enjoying your boyfriend, seeing about graduate school, and take it from there. If you can't decide right now what to do, maybe you're not ready to make a decision.</p>
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Can you get into a PhD program that not only pays your tuition and fees but also a "decent" stipend. (By the way, my advice to ANYONE looking at a PhD program in the humanities is to ONLY go to a program that offers tuition + decent stipend - it's foolish (in my opinion) to go into debt to get a degree in English or history or philosophy, etc. when the chances are very real you may never get a tenure-track faculty position and even if you do, they don't pay very well and you'll have a problem paying off your loans.)</p>
<p>If this were possible, I would not be facing this dilemma. Yes, I have heard this same argument, which is why I'm being rather conservative (and I am, I'll admit it). I cannot get more than I listed in my first post anywhere, and getting that much would be hard enough, because these scholarships are competitive.
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</p>
<p>I know you don't want to hear this, but, if you cannot get into a good/competitive English Lit program that will give you decent funding, you might want to re-think your goals. IF you want to become a faculty member at a university, college, and MOST community colleges, you will face competition from people coming out of the types of programs you say you cannot get into. There are many people who are in those programs who will never get tenure-track jobs - who will end up being low-paid adjuncts and lecturers until they grow frustrated and find another career. People coming out of "less prestigious" programs have virtually no chance at a faculty job. </p>
<p>If you are going to grad school because you love English Lit and have no expectation of teaching, that's great but you have to think about what you are going to do when you're done with your degree. Going into debt to get a degree that won't get you a job is a luxury that most people cannot afford. It IS something you can do part-time, at night, when you're working another job.</p>
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On the other hand, I'm quite terrified of the debt I may be in after graduation and also not entirely comfortable with the idea that my boyfriend will be paying for our living expenses and working an underpaid and unexciting job for the next so many years, just so that I can pursue a dream we once shared.
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</p>
<p>Are you considering marrying him because you feel sorry for him or somehow guilty he isn’t still pursuing his dream? </p>
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I have no intention of being dependent on my husband and I'm sure most women would agree that any other arrangement (if it's long-term anyway) is rather old-fashioned and likely to cause drama before the end.
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</p>
<p>I believe you have answered your own question in the OP. Decide where you want to be in 5, 10, 20 years from now without regard to this boyfriend. Does he fit into these scenarios?</p>
<p>Inthebiz - while I appreciate your advice, it is not applicable to my situation. I do not wish to reveal too many details about this, as it is not relevant to my question, but even if I would get into the best and most competitive programmes in the country (and that is what I am aiming for - I love research for the sake of research and my subject, but my dream is a career in academics, not just the title) I would not get more than what I outlined in my first post. </p>
<p>I hear all your stories about doing a PhD while being married, but I guess it's somewhat different if you are both pursuing an academic career and involved in student life. :)</p>
<p>I wish to marry him because I love him. Yes, he does lack some ambition. On the other hand, he is an excellent cook, keeps the house clean while I am stressing over deadlines, extremely caring and always supportive. I'd almost say gender roles reversed, but have no wish to insult his masculinity. ;)</p>
<p>When I was in grad school (and married), I used to shower in the dark to save that little bit of money needed to burn the bathroom light for 5 minutes - just one example. When I finished my Ph.D. I sold my bicycle to get together enough money for gasoline to drive to a new town for my first job. I've never regretted for one minute the sacrifices I had to make to earn my graduate degree.</p>
<p>Don't give up either of your dreams. A smart person can think of all sorts of creative ways to make it all work.</p>