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The buying a house is really a side issue. It's whether I should choose financial security (and I would have this if I would stay here, get a job and move away from the dump we are renting now) or whether I should pursue my very costly dream.
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The problem I see is that, based on what you've said so far (and yes, you have the right not to go into detail), is that marrying your boyfriend will not translate into financial security. What makes you think that it will? Buying a house does not equal financial security, or haven't you been reading the papers lately? Your boyfriend is in a minimum wage job. Many of those are the first to go in a weak economy. What would you do if you dropped out of school now that would translate into financial security?</p>
<p>BTW, I have several graduate degrees and have been at my current job for many years. But in this current environment, no one, including me, has financial security.</p>
<p>Chedva, I believe the OP means that she will have financial security because of the full-time job she would get. You are right that this current enviroment is a good reminder to us all how precarious our finances can become in a very short time. </p>
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The difference is that they don’t really believe in gender roles and don’t consider homemaking to be lacking in ambition. They have great marriages. But their husbands never tried to limit their career aspirations...
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<p>I don't consider homemaking to be lacking in ambition either and I am all for smashing the vast majority of gender roles. As you said, the key is supporting each other, including not putting up barriers such as homeownership.</p>
<p>"It's whether I should choose financial security (and I would have this if I would stay here, get a job and move away from the dump we are renting now) or whether I should pursue my very costly dream. "</p>
<p>Getting a job in this economy is not going to provide you with financial security. No one is secure in this economy. Getting a house could also be a big risk particularly since so many people are losing jobs and their homes.</p>
<p>I also am wondering about your boyfriend. There are people who will move to a different country and do all of the things that you have said your boyfriend is doing because they want citizenship. That's also why they push for marriage.</p>
<p>I do not know you or your boyfriend, so don't know if that's what's going on in your situation. However, it is something for you to consider. </p>
<p>I don't agree with the person who said that because your boyfriend followed you to the U.S., you need to make up your mind now about whether he's your life partner. From what you've posted, you don't seem to be at that point yet to make such a major decision. As I've mentioned, getting your doctorate seems to be what's important to you now, and if you do pursue that path, it is possible that what you want in a life partner may also change.</p>
<p>It's also possible that you may remain happy with your boyfriend. I have a friend with an Ivy doctorate and a law degree, who is happily married to a man who moved here from another (developed) country to be with her, and is working now on his associates degree. They've been together for about 7 years, and are very happy. She loves her career as a professor, and is very hard working, intellectual, intense, and he's very supportive of her efforts, including doing lots of the childcare and household maintenance. She got married, however, after she got her degrees, so had a developed sense of who she was and what kind of person would make her happy.</p>
<p>OP, I'm assuming you're American. Is your BF American too? Did your BF move to the US to be with you? Or did he follow you to another country to be with you?</p>
<p>(NSM, we're on the same page about his potentially pursuing citizenship . . . )</p>
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<p>I also wonder about why he's proposing marriage to you now.<<</p>
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<p>He could be ready to move on with the relationship. They have been living together for 3 years. If I were in a relationship of this duration, I'd be thinking--"Are we getting married or what? Because if marriage is not in the offing, I'm gone."</p>
<p>There are so many women who support their husbands through graduate school/med school/law school. You live in student housing, she has a minimum wage job, he has a small stipend/part time job, etc. Why can't our couple do this?</p>
<p>There are 2 nieces in our family who are the ambitious major bread winners of their families. We think it is "weird", but it works for them.</p>
<p>PS: This couple is no where financially ready to purchase a house. I think that this is just a side manifestation of the boyfriend being ready to move on to a more advanced relationship.</p>
<p>"and should be mature, responsible and comfortable with myself"</p>
<p>Not true. Most people still have a lot of growing up to do at your age, and still have a lot to learn about themselves and the world. For most, 24 is young to get married, and that's why so many marriages don't last.</p>
<p>Some prejudice here! No, he has not moved to be with me to obtain citizenship of any kind. He's perfectly happy being Scottish. If anything, I would marry him for the British passport, not the other way around.</p>
<p>I am now assuming two international students living together with their parents' approval in a betrothal type situation and the young man has made some sacrifices the last few years to further her educational goals, in which case I do think she has a moral obligation to make up her mind so he can move on, if that is necessary. JMHO</p>
<p>edit: OP -not so sure about my speculation after your last post. As you are realizing, it is hard to advise without all the facts.</p>
<p>I too would worry about the difference in ambition. While you may see that as OK now, I wonder how you'll see it when you have kids and a mortgage.</p>
<p>That said, if you accept that he'll be the home maker then it's even more important for you to get a good education for your role as bread winner.</p>
<p>Miami, you asked what I meant earlier about doing what you have to do as individuals. DH and I lived in different states while I finished my grad degree. That worked fine with us and he was totally supportive. I'm picking up here that the OP's bf is not wanting to live the student life with her and wants her to stop in order to live a post school lifestyle. I saw a lot of this living in married student housing for awhile in grad school. The spouses were either on board or alienated about not being part of things. Many of these marriages did not last. So IMO, if you don't have a SO who's totally on board, you should be focused on your individual goals before marriage.</p>
<p>Yes, it is unavoidable that people will make assumptions sometimes while I am not sharing all details. I do find it rather hurtful that some here should assume he is only with me because he is after some legal document, and that I first have to confirm he is a Western European before people would possibly reconsider. I can assure you that he has moved with me for love and has no ulterior motives. He would have had many more and better opportunities if he had stayed in Britain. Besides, I know him well and he's been my best friend for years. :)</p>
<p>This seems so simple to me. Tell me what I'm missing. </p>
<p>He loves you. He wants you to be happy. He's happy if you're happy. SO BE HAPPY! Go for the PhD. Take him with you. I see the happily ever after, and I just don't see a melodramatic moment here.</p>
<p>^^interestingly, the fact he is Western European is the only thing that made me assume he might be with you for citizenship reasons - if you are American --which I was never assuming.</p>
<p>Is he going to have problems staying in the country if you don't marry? I know international couples where one spouse has whatever-kind-of-status is necessary to work in the US because of other spouse's student visa.</p>
<p>As an aside (because some of your comments have confused me) I believe full-funded English graduate programs are available to international students.</p>
<p>I know a couple who both were/are pursuing PhDs with academia or museum work as the final objective. Sometimes they lived in the same town but sometimes they were apart even in different countries depending on where their research took them. When one finished and got an academic position they married and set up housekeeping in the new town. For awhile after the marriage one of them was based over seas finishing their thesis and will finally complete the degree soon. Hopefully they will find a job in the same location.</p>
<p>My reason for this story is the title of the thread "Happily ever after OR PhD". They figured out a way to have both. I doubt very much that they own a house but they did have a very nice wedding that grandma paid for.</p>
<p>One thing we have not broached is the kind of job you would have if you were not to pursue a Ph.D. A minimum wage job just like your bf? Even these may be hard to come by now. I don't know where you live but two minimum wage earners are not going to be able to live very comfortably in many areas of the country. And where there are jobs often are the more expensive areas.
In the past, many English BAs went into publishing, but this kind of job is hard to come by nowadays. Do you have something specific in mind?</p>
<p>okay--I've clicked through your posts and this is what I get.</p>
<p>You are currently in a M.Phil. program. That almost certainly means you are in the UK. (I don't know how you can have great grades because I thought the only mark that matters is the one on your thesis.)</p>
<p>For reasons not stated, you are applying for a Ph.D. program in the US rather than a D.Phil. program in the UK. Are you a citizen of a country other than the UK? That's just about the only reason I can figure out why you would want to come to the US. Please be aware that the probability is that it will take you a couple of years longer to get a Ph.D in the US than it would to get a D.Phil. in the UK. </p>
<p>For reasons I cannot imagine, you are planning to come to the US to attend Harvard Summer School. You will not get any credit for the courses in your M.Phil. program. You are hard up for money, but you are going to blow a significant sum to do this. </p>
<p>Your boyfriend probably can't get a visa to come to the US unless you are married. The deadline for applying for H-1 visas is this week and from what you've posted he's not a great candidate anyway. </p>
<p>But he is offering to marry you, and presumably that is conditioned on you giving up your dream of a Ph.D. and staying in the UK. Are you a citizen of a non-EU nation and thus need to be married to be able to stay in the UK more than 2 years--or whatever the law is now--after you get your M.Phil. ? Does the desire to buy a house have anything to do with the "points" system for Brit immigration? </p>
<p>The statement about the max amount you can get for a stipend is wholly incomprehensible unless you aren't even aiming at top programs. And, as others have said, if you aren't, it makes no sense to go at all if you aren't going to a top school--at least in a "way too many Ph.D.s available" field like English lit and a goal of getting a teaching job.</p>
<p>You should also be aware that there is VERY little chance that you will be offered a teaching job in the US UNLESS you plan to become a US citizen. It isn't all that hard in scientific fields, because there's a shortage of US citizens available to teach such subjects. But it's a whole 'nother ball game' for English lit. </p>
<p>I think you really need to consider these subjects separately. (1) Do you want to marry him--is he someone you see spending the rest of your life with? (2) Do you want to get a Ph.D. if there is very little chance that you will ever get a teaching job? (3) If the answer to #2 is yes, does it make sense to do so in the US?</p>
<p>"Yes, it is unavoidable that people will make assumptions sometimes while I am not sharing all details. I do find it rather hurtful that some here should assume he is only with me because he is after some legal document, and that I first have to confirm he is a Western European before people would possibly reconsider."</p>
<p>That's because some of us know people who have been duped into marriage by people who only wanted citizenship.</p>
<p>My suggestion is that if you want to make the best decision, you and perhaps your boyfriend should go to a professional counselor.</p>