<p>His job is to become independent from you, your job is to learn to let go. Trust that if he got this far, and the school admitted him, he does not need your advice or guidance. What is there to worry about? </p>
<p>Please, good lord, do not email the professors or the RA. As a professor I would not be able to talk to you anyway about another adult’s performance at school.</p>
<p>To respond to your questions - </p>
<p>emailing Profs - No - parents should not email profs.</p>
<p>contacting the RA - only do this if you think your kid is not responding to your contacts and you suspect some harm may have come his way. Don’t conact the RA for academic questions about the kid.</p>
<p>What to do - contact your kid and ask him what’s up. </p>
<p>Your kid is responsible for his academics himself now.</p>
<p>I couldn’t agree more with you. Our daughter has been managing all by herself. We have her class schedule and my wife calls her and updates her about things at home. A move to ensure that she too opens up with things happening around her! </p>
<p>Whether we worry or not, the fact of the matter is that parents could do very little other than sharing their experiences about the transition and reminding him/her about the importance of doing good in studies.</p>
<p>If they are over 18 they are adults and as parents we need their consent to get any information from their schools. In order for us (the paying party) to get a copy of his report card at the end of every quarter S1 had to sign a form provided by the school.</p>
<p>J,adoube, I will have to see if our son’s school will let him sign a form like that. It seems only fair that a condition of our paying a small fortune every year is to see his grades!</p>
<p>Our son talks to us a lot in person, but he’s not too relaxed on the phone or Skye. And we won’t see him until Christmas. At least my parents and sister live in DS’s college town, so I get reports from them on how he’s doing!</p>
<p>It is not legal for anyone at the college to talk with you: even in a health crisis, they need the student’s permission.</p>
<p>I don’t ask about grades at all, and have never seen either of my kids’ college grades, but that just suits our family style. Sometimes I will ask “so how is that history class?”, but what I mean is, is it interesting. It is great when they tell me how much they love a class, or talk about the professor, or whatever. I can make some assumptions based on those kinds of things. And then, again, for our family, it seems more respectful of them and less of a checking up. </p>
<p>Sometimes they talk to me about class choices early in the year, but I never know their schedule or what they have to do or anything. They would not consider that my business, but every family and every kid is different.</p>
<p>We pay for tuition refund insurance every year, for our kids. That about covers any concern about one of them needing to leave for any reason.</p>
<p>There are lots of other reasons to be concerned, besides grades, and a conversation every week seems to do the trick for that, for us. Skype is a good idea, but I don’t have it. Actually, some of us moms of girls could do with fewer conversations, not more!</p>
<p>Last year my HS Senior had a terrible year…I was beside myself with many posts on CC as some of you may remember.</p>
<p>S managed to graduate and is now a freshman at a very highly ranked school in a STEM field.</p>
<p>When we left him end of August, we all agreed he would phone once a week - preferably SKYPE–and that has NOT happened–not ever - not one SKYPE call yet. The first two weeks there were some monetary issues to work out and we unexpectedly visited week 3 (to buy some things he actually needed that he previously said emphatically he would not need – so we just visited with his approval much earlier than the planned parent weekend coming in a few weeks)…so with that much communication early on-- he has now resorted to a communication brown out. We get no answers to a simple text “Hey how’s it going-- Luv You”…and no replies to emails about scheduling thanksgiving trip home, etc. And certainly no random phone calls ever.</p>
<p>So as of Monday, a good friend upon hearing how much I missed my S and not knowing if he is actually ok academically, socially, etc…saw my worry and concern…reminded me of how stressed I was last year and said with the most sincere advice she could muster:</p>
<p>“Ignorance is Bliss”
…and you know, I am doing my darn best to really make that my motto for the next 4 years…</p>
<p>There’s nothing I can do to make his life any better or worse, he surely doesn’t want any advice (and really he shouldn’t want any advice but should figure it all out on his own), and I suspect if he needs money or is in serious trouble, I’ll hear from him. Unfortunately, I’m out in the cold and have to accept that I’m not going to be hearing all the wonderful things he is probably doing…and well “Ignorance is Bliss”…
Cheers</p>
<p>I need to re-read the “Letting Go” book I bought when the older sib left and remind myself that I’m really an empty nest now and in time I may or may not be a part of S’s life again.</p>
<p>This is actually a humorous story…but true! My daughter had gone off to college, after talking almost every day the first 10 days, during the second and third weeks, the calls quieted down. By the third week, my husband and I asked each other if we had heard from her, we both replied no and started trying to reach her, tried off and on all day to no avail, texting, calling,etc…didnt’ know what to do and started to panic big time by 7pm. She was in a single and I thought (and hoped that she had fallen asleep) Finally came through with a brainstorm idea…called the local pizzeria and ordered a pie to be delivered to her dorm, paid for it with my CC and figured i would follow up in half an hour to see if it was successfully delivered. (also asked that the delivery person deliver it with a message “CALL HOME” (gave a few extra $$ for a tip)
Half an hour later, sure enough they confirmed it was delivered and I got to speak to the delivery guy who confirmed my daughter did in fact open the door to accept the pizza, with a very puzzled look on her face I might add! He gave her my message and bingo we got a call a few minutes later…she had been out all day, forgot her phone, came back and fell asleep…bottom line, you can always resort to your local pizza parlor:) We parents have to get creative!</p>
<p>^^^great story!</p>
<p>“we all agreed he would phone once a week”</p>
<p>“We get no answers to a simple text “Hey how’s it going-- Luv You”…and no replies to emails about scheduling thanksgiving trip home, etc.”</p>
<p>You may want to renegotiate – and agree to keep to your end of the bargain. So…let him choose the night to call you. Let him know if he can’t call on that night, he needs to e-mail or text to let you know he’s got plans – and to tell you when he will call. Be very clear that is not necessary to have a long conversation – you just need to hear his voice once a week. The 1 or 2 minute calls will be disappointing, but reassuring. The one hour calls will be infrequent but treasured. </p>
<p>Our child picked the night, and called anywhere from 7:00 to 11:00 pm. It worked for us for the 4 years of college – after not hearing from our child for the first 3 weeks. We did not prolong the conversation when our child didn’t want to talk, and we savored the times the conversations continued.</p>
<p>In those 4 years, I cannot recall initiating one phone call to our child. We would occasionally e-mail with something going on or an anecdote – with no expectation of a reply. We rarely got one – so expectation was met! When we really needed a response to a question, we sent an e-mail – noted “PLEASE REPLY” in the subject line - and used a succinct but detailed subject line – so our child would know what the email was about ( not just a nag or “how you doin.”) And, our child would reply or call - when it was convenient for our child. I can only recall this type of e-mail about two or three times a year. Fortunately, we did not have any family emergencies or issues to deal with in those 4 years.</p>
<p>Now that our child has left undergrad, we’ve continued to get the once a week call. But we have been pleasantly surprised with more frequent calls, as well as an occasional text and e-mail.</p>
<p>YMMV - but it worked for us and our non-communicative, independence seeking, 3000 mile away child.</p>
<p>
This is our “deal” with our S. I made it absolutely clear that it wasn’t enough to hear from him; we had to hear his voice at least once a week. (So, just getting a text wasn’t enough.) S is sometimes off the “once a week” schedule by a day or 2, but it seems to work pretty well.</p>
<p>Love the pizza story – will keep it in mind.</p>
<p>The kids don’t check their “mailboxes” very often. I called S2 to tell him I was sending a package and to check his mailbox for the package slip on Monday. He told me he was in the library and he couldn’t talk very much or very loudly…those kind of comments are good to hear.</p>
<p>Love the pizza story.</p>
<p>
I think this is a good point. I observe this in our family as well–I think part of the key is to discuss trivial stuff first, before asking any questions about anything serious.</p>
<p>Well, unless a student is on a full ride, you can always just not send any checks or make any deposits. The calls will come, and they will likely “get it.” </p>
<p>Love the pizza story.</p>
<p>^^^^ Yeah, and when you do get the call, you can say “Oh, do you mean I still have a son? Glad to hear it.”</p>
<p>I would not dare to contact anybody at college without D’s permission. I have never contacted anybody, she is a college senior. When I worry, I call her. If she is not available, I say to myself that no news is good news. You got to know your child, though. Mine usually calls me when something bothers her.<br>
Nobody can give you intelligent advice. These decisions are very personal and have very many variables that are different from family to family.</p>
<p>It gets better as time goes on. Use email and texting in addition to weekly calls.</p>
<p>To answer the original question, “How do worried parents find out how their son/daughter is doing?”: Today, it was from my ds2, who told me ds1’s Facebook status mentioned yesterday’s EKG.</p>
<p>Uh, news to me.</p>
<p>I relate to the parents/mothers who request but don’t get calls/answers. This is one power struggle you can’t win. Now, this time of the school year, is the time to keep trying to instill a once a week brief communication. </p>
<p>Regarding how to treat the child on his/her home trips. Here are some thoughts. Warning- I reserve the right to change my mind on them and to contradict myself. I offer them as things to consider- a memory jogger, eye opener to things you would never have thought of. Whatever you do, don’t worry about whatever you decide being right/wrong.</p>
<p>Son’s school doesn’t do any midterm breaks so the first greater than weekend trip home was Thanksgiving. Over the years I thought about this. The short weekend or 4 day holiday time at home is a visit, the time between semesters or summer is living at home. Therefore, for this upcoming trip home treat your child like a visitor. Fix favorite foods, find time for him/her, do any shopping… but also be prepared for them to also have made plans with their friends. This is too short a time to reintegrate them into the household. Yes, you can ask them to help with the dishes type stuff but not to clean out their closet, do weekly chores… But remember this is supposed to be a revitalizing time for them.</p>
<p>The long break between semesters is enough time to expect them to carry their share of the load at home. They will have no homework, studying or catch up on schoolwork.</p>
<p>For both time frames you will have to adjust your set of home rules. Rethink your past curfew et al. Your child has been used to staying out as long as they wish, starting activites long past your bedtime, et al. As long as their activities don’t interfere with your need to sleep or otherwise do not attempt to regulate them. Expect them to sleep all morning into the afternoon- they may be doing some catch up after exams.</p>
<p>Regarding any GF/BF issues- this is your house, not theirs, and you have the right to choose sleeping arrangements and displays of affection in your own home now and in all years to come.</p>
<p>Regarding family meals. It may be nice to find out expectations in advance. Your child may surprise you and expect to join you like before they left home. Ask in advance if they want certain favorite foods, if they have plans to eat elsewhere.</p>
<p>The way to navigate this new situation is to accord your child the rights/privileges you would any other adult. Then make it easy for them to revert to childhood habits. You don’t want them to feel thrown out of the nest or treat them like strangers.</p>
<p>"This is one power struggle you can’t win. Now, this time of the school year, is the time to keep trying to instill a once a week brief communication. "</p>
<p>This is my agreement with S. He has never been one to talk on the phone, but he does a great job updating a blog weekly that he maintains just for family and adult friends. It includes things like pictures and videos of things he is involved in, and is the perfect way for him to communicate with us. To my surprise, sometimes it even includes very long narrative entries.</p>