My son is a freshman at a small school. Academically, he has always done well in school. Although, he has executive functioning issues and has problems submitting his work timely. He is thriving socially at school, has a girlfriend but recently stopped going to some of his classes and is not doing his assignments. He is not into "parting or doing drugs so that is not the issue. Playing video games and watching videos on his phone may be an issue. Part of it is his immaturity. He claims that he is not depressed and there are no issues. He is bored with ths classes which is a cope out. The school has met with him to try and keep him on the right path but he needs to go to the tutoring center on his own. He refuses to go the tutoring center or to the on campus counseling center. Encouragement by his family has not helped.
Recently, he has stopped responding to anyone in his family by phone calls or text messages. He claims he āwas busyā when we are eventually able to speak with him with the assistance of the school. He had a minor issue in the dorm caused by someone else that still seems to bother him. He immediatley called when this occurred.
His professors for the most part have been wonderful and are encouraging him to do the overdue work. He is coming home for break so we should be able to have him catch up on the work. The main issue will be when he returns to school. Threats of not returning to school do not phase him but he wants to return in the Fall. He filled out his housing application on the first day that it was sent out.
He received a scholarship and we are paying the balance of his tuition which is over 30k.
Iām sorry your son is struggling academically. Glad heās coming home for break so you can have an in person conversation.
Iād let him know your expectations about class attendance, turning in assignments and grades and if he canāt meet that benchmark, then you wonāt be paying tuition.
He can go to community college at home next Fall and if he can prove heās mature enough, transfer back.
It is rough to see kids behave like this, but ultimately they have to walk the walk, and live with the consequences if they donāt. No one else can. You can only carry him so far. Itās impossible to do it if heās dragging his feet.
You might want to tie a GPA performance to it. That would leave it in his court to figure out how the details like attendance and homework impact that.
The other thing you might do is to figure out a way for him to pay a portion of his tuition and reimburse him after each term if he hits the benchmarks you set. Some friends of ours had a child in the same boat. This is what it took to turn the tide.
Do you have a mutual friend who can talk with him to try to see whatās really going on? Itās common for kids of that age to distance from their parents, but Iād be concerned enough to see if someone else could break through the wall. The mutual friend needs to be someone he trusts. It could be a high school friend, teacher, religious leader of some sort, neighbor, grandparents - the list is endless. Who you want is someone heās had a good relationship with (and hopefully still does) who is willing to try to help by letting you in on whatever is behind the screen.
Then donāt get mad at your son for any reason or youāll break that contact. Whatās done is done. You want to move forward. This contact person might be able to help there.
Kids are designed (nature/God/doesnāt matter) to leave the nest at this age and sometimes that comes with breaking away from parents in a rather harsh manner. They donāt want to talk with parents due to not wanting their advice anymore. Someone else can say the exact same thing you would to them and it will mean more. The good thing is most kids outgrow the stage. In the meantime, you want to fix things without driving him away. A mutual contact could help with that.
Just out of curiosity, how did you find out the granular details? It seems to be a level of information most parents wouldnāt have access to. Did the school contact you?
First, does he have any medical condition that may have gone unnoticed? You mentioned executive function. The good thing is that he is in a small supportive environment where loss of even one student can have a negative impact on a college and they will try to work with your son.
But it could also be that he has not figured out what he wants to do with life and motivation is therefore in short supply. I have seen this many times. Kids going to college that are not ready for college not because they are lazy but because they are not interested (something you allude to) and attending due to parental or societal expectations. Maybe negotiate a semester off or part-time school with part-time work type of deal with him.
Sounds like heās ignoring your phone calls and texts because he doesnāt want to hear from you how he needs to go to class and do his work. Not really surprising.
I think when he is home over break itās fair to remind him that you are paying the bills and itās a lot of money for college (and phone) and he needs to hold up his end of the bargain or take a break. I know sooooo many people who took a break from college for a semester or year and then went back when they had more focus.
When he is at school, though, I think if all you do (not saying this is the case) is remind him to go to class and study hard and get good grades and ask if heās turned in all his assignments, thatās just not a very fun conversation, yāknow? A lot of kids would try to avoid that conversation. When you text him try to think of topics he is interested in (sports team he likes, new movie coming out, new video game, cute picture of the family dog, fun vacation for the summer, etc) and donāt harass him about his grades, etc. At best ask him if he is enjoying the classes he has picked out (maybe not any boring must do Gen Eds.)
With my kids I am trying to ask more open ended questions like I would ask one of my peers. I would not be harassing my friend about doing her taxes, yāknow? I might commiserate and say that I hate doing them too or refer her to my accountant or offer to help if she needs any, but Iām not going to be pointing my finger and tapping my toes and asking her if sheās done them yet.
With my 21 and 18 yr old I am trying to find that adult conversation and minimize the telling them what to do. If it was my kid I might frame the question like āwhat do you want to do about this situationā? Do you want to take a break next semester? Is the tutoring center helpful? Is there anything I can do? (Does he need a minimum GPA to keep the scholarship?) College may not be affordable if you lose your scholarship.
I would basically try to let him know that you have his back, but itās up to him to do the work and advocate for himself and you are there as backup, but itās his life to figure out.
Maybe he has figured out the minimum needed to get by academically. Is his scholarship dependent on GPA?
Two of mine work to the max and the third, with similar issues to your son, told me she aimed for a B- but woops, got a C-. She has a full explanation for this way of doing school, based on preserving mental health. I told her that I had a different value system but respect hers. That seemed to keep the lines of communication open .
I should add that this same kid left full time college to do a degree completion program that is part-time and works. That is a possibility for your son.
Every situation is different. Hope the visit home is productive!
Is he really at risk of losing his scholarship or are you just not happy about his performance? Could some of this be an adverse reaction to helicopter parenting? I donāt know how you know he isnāt going to class or turning in assignments unless he is telling you.
Iām sorry to hear what you are going through. Iām curious, did he exhibit this type of behavior in his senior year of high school? You also mentioned that he has āexecutive functioning issues,ā is that something that was diagnosed by a therapist? Iām asking for selfish reasons, my son has always been a strong student athlete at a private school and now he has stop performing at the same level, and his midterm grades suffered. Iām worried that this will carry over into college as well. He just got accepted into two of the top small liberal arts colleges in the country (we are waiting on more) and Iām wondering if he should take a gap year and mature a bit, so I understand your concern. I do not want to spend another dime on his education if he has loss his sense of purpose. My husband and I are trying to figure it out, I hope you do too.
@compmom I pray that it is senioritis. But he started missing all of his deadlines, so it was so concerning. He is on break now, so Iām hoping when school starts again heāll have a renewed spirit.
Iād see if the disabilities office can offer suggestions or a plan on getting to class, getting work done, etc.
For ML57, my daughter was an athlete and her coach was notified if she missed class or an assignment. It wasnāt a problem for D but was for some of her teammates. Freshman had to go to study tables until they had at least a 3.0 (or maybe 3.3?). Daughter was off after one semester, but a teammate was on for every year of college! Dās sorority āscholarship chairā also knew her grades before daughter did as there were certain activities she couldnāt participate in if her grades were too low.
Maybe there is something your son would like to do that can be an incentive? A trip with a school group, joining a club or team, getting into a limited class?
My adhd sonās executive function issues started in high school, sophomore year with his first AP class (APUSH - a subject that held his interest and a teacher he had before and loved). I thought he was being lazy, but set up a meeting with his teacher and counselor. His test grades were great, short term assignments fine, but longer papers and projects a hot mess. Once he got help for his EF issues everything improved. He learned how to break down the work into manageable scheduled tasks.
@ML_57 is he registered with the Office of Disabiilties and does he have accommodations?
This sounds a bit like what I call āhead in the sand syndrome.ā One of mine stopped going one class when failing and didnāt face up to what was happening. Similar ADHD issues.
I found out what was going on during a visit and helped with communication to the teacher and dean. In her case, she did have accommodations and they let her drop the course.
Thanks for the responses. I will reply to the questions.
He signed a FERPA form so I have access to his grades. I also have his log in information after we had the same issues last semester. Last semester, he dropped a class but was able to rebound and get a 3.3. I figured it was just growing pains and he figured it. He started this semester well then just stopped doing the work. I checked his grades occasionally when I notice that he was not doing his assignments.
He has a car and was driving his senior year in high school. As a precaution to know how he was driving, he has LIfe 360 on his phone. I noticed that he was not in his classes when I observed that he was in his dorm or the cafeteria when he was suppose to be in class. I was trying to let him navigate college on his own but it was not going well. I got involved when I realized that he was going to fail but knew that it was only since he was not doing the work.
We previously shut off his phone but that only is an issue if he is off campus. It did not do much. There is wifi on the entire campus so he still gets texts and phone calls. Even offering to allow him to take the car to school next year has not worked.
He is registered with the Disabilities office and has accommodations for test taking etc. Disabilities office has been wonderful but he needs to seek the help. They did reach out to him but he did not follow up. I am glad that he selected a small school since I doubt that a large school would have made the effort that the administration has with my son. As I told him, " you can take a horse to water, but you canāt make it drink". The head in the sand comment is accurate with my son.
On a positive note, he is on break and is catching up with his assignments. He is aware that if he does not turn this around that he will not be returning in the Fall. We had several positive conversations so I hope he āwalks the walkā.
Glad to hear you are having positive conversations. When a kid is having issues, itās really important that they know that there be a trusted adult there for them. Itās so hard to not judge or just freak out!
Also, when a kid - especially one with limited attention - falls behind, getting caught up can feel impossible. Good for you for helping him feel he can fix this. Really wishing you the best.