After five years of failure, how can I come back?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>I want to first make it clear that I do not want any pity for my situation, so please don't offer it. I would just like practical advice on what I should do next.</p>

<p>I used to visit CollegeConfidential when I was in high school. I was never a radiantly competitive applicant, but I was definitely a run-of-the-mill ambitious overachiever. I was a
straight-A student, I scored 2220/32 on my tests, and I had a debate career that ended in the finals of the state championship (among other wins). I don't mention this to brag; I simply want to make it clear that I have always had the discipline and capability to achieve my goals, so I don't want my story to be pigeonholed into the "rough transition into college" narrative.</p>

<p>I have always had issues with anxiety and panic attacks, although they had never previously interefered with my ability to function. I went to a small private liberal-arts school for my first year of college. The academics were great, and I loved my classes and my professors. However, it was clear from day one that I was a fish out of water with regard to the campus culture, which was wealthier and more conservative than what I was used to. I can't ascertain how relevant the culture shock was to what ended up happening, but it probably didn't help.</p>

<p>During the first semester, the frequency of my panic attacks went from occasional to frequent, often more than once or twice a day. For those who don't know, panic attacks should not be confused with "anxiety attacks"; a panic attack is a physical reaction in your sympathetic nervous system that creates a positive feedback loop of adrenaline release, which is essentially an overdose of adrenaline. I get defensive about my panic disorder sometimes; while attitude adjustments and cognative behavioral therapy help, neither of those things fix my internal wiring which predisposes me to have panic attacks. That's why it can easily get out of control.</p>

<p>The time I needed to study began being hijacked by time spent in the library bathroom breathing into a bag. Studying ironically was one of my triggers, and I began to fall behind in my work because of the amount of productivity I was losing. I sought help from the counseling services, but I ended up with a semester GPA of around 2.5.</p>

<p>I'll gloss over many of the other details of my mental health status throughout the rest of the year, since the details aren't important. In spite of a mild upswing in my grades (a 3.3 for the semester), I chose to transfer back home to attend the state university in my hometown.</p>

<p>This is when things truly imploded for me. I was too sick to even maintain basic responsibilities, and I was also too naive to understand how to handle being enrolled while severely ill. Every semester I was convinced that this was the one where I would turn around. However, I still couldn't do my work, no matter how badly I wanted to. In retrospect, I don't believe I should have been enrolled at all, but my advisors encouraged me to keep trying to turn my grades around, which is exactly what I wanted. After four semesters of rock-bottom grades and a year of withdrawn classes, I was finally dismissed from the university.</p>

<p>I entered intensive in-patient psychiatric care in January, and my mental health has dramatically improved since. Now, I'm taking community college classes to get readmitted into the Fall of 2013. </p>

<p>I spoke with a counselor at Student Affairs, who recommended that I petition for late withdrawal from all the courses I have taken here at the university. There's a chance my petition will be rejected, however, which would leave me with a GPA of 1.7.</p>

<p>If I could have any wish, it would be to enroll in the university as a freshman this fall, and finally get the first chance at an education I never had. I want to develop relationships with my professors and participate in all of the opportunities I missed out on. I hate to indulge in self-pity, but my ambitions are the same as they've always been. I still want to apply for grad school in the near future, for instance.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, I have to face reality, and I'm not sure how exactly I should do that. Given my goals, what should I do now?</p>

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<p>It seems like if you want to go back to your university, you have to petition for the late withdrawal. You can’t really have your wish, which would wipe out all your academic work to date. Not sure what to tell you, as grad school admission is very difficult with poor grades. It sounds like you are on a better track now, sticking with whatever treatment plan and possibly meds that have been prescribed. I think you need to take it one step at a time and see if you can get the petition granted and get admittance.</p>

<p>Not sure what the timing is since you were dismissed, are you sure you can even be considered for Fall 2013 at this point? Can you do another semester at the CC in the fall if you have to (not sure where you stand on credits)? </p>

<p>I also think you need to realistically consider developing some backup goals as well. Possibly another less selective university where you could finish your degree if you don’t get back into this one. And considering career/job options that don’t include grad school in case you don’t get admitted.</p>

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<p>Luckily, I have been guaranteed readmission back into the university after completing my summer courses at community college. In light of this, I am wondering what things I should do when I finally return to the university healthy in August.</p>

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<p>I have a profound interest in this as well, having gone through panic attacks and anxiety and having failed college classes.</p>

<p>The story is also uncanny, as that’s my exact SAT score and I also debated in high school and I left my college to take CC classes with the intent of readmittance.</p>

<p>I changed my mind over winter break and decided not to return to my first college, for many reasons including anxiety. I haven’t looked back. My record is a mess at that school, I’ve already wasted a year of tuition, and I feel like I can learn more at the CC anyways due to the lack of absurd restrictiveness on which majors can take which classes.</p>

<p>I’m dealing with the anxiety by working in baby steps with a therapist while conscientiously forgetting about what comes next in my education. Some day, I’ll move on from the CC and either transfer somewhere or look for work. That day is not today. When it comes, I’ll be a more mature and emotionally stable and therefore better equipped to make a decision. For now, it all comes down to becoming healthier and I guarantee I can accomplish that.</p>

<p>This decision has helped control my anxiety and, ironically, improve my education because I have more free time to discover and utilize many ways of learning outside the constraints of curriculum. It might help you.</p>

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<p>I don’t have any advice, other than just saying I wish you the best. However, you might try posting this in the parents forum…I think they would be able to help you and give you more advice.</p>