<p>Using money to try to control kids’ sexuality and emotions is a great strategy! It works all the time! Builds healthy relationships between kids and parents, and gives kids great models for their own parent-approved relationships.</p>
<p>Or maybe not.</p>
<p>Yes, I just had a calm conversation about how 4 years in college go by quickly , and we don’t want her giving up college for something that may not work out . She admits to not having much fun at school , so I encouraged her to sign up for a third dance class , dance classes are NOT included in Harvard tuition ! She was invited to a house dinner this Friday and I said to go . She needs to make more effort to get involved where she is now !</p>
<p>Definitely encourage her to make more friends and get more involved on campus. Bf is probably a distraction. She needs to focus where she is right now.</p>
<p>wait, she’s at Harvard and wants to leave? what’s wrong with this picture</p>
<p>This would drive me crazy! My sympathies.</p>
<p>Is this BF still in secondary school? Is he living in his native country? Of course you know you need to refrain from turning it into a Romeo and Juliet situation…just try to ride it out and influence her not to do anything drastic until it dies a natural death. Or, if it is one of the unusual teen romances that actually turns into something long term, they can figure out ways to see each other that does not involve either of them dropping out of school and curtailing their future choices. Your D could study abroad, for example, or he could study here. They could visit on vacations. If the BF is a 16/17 yr old in secondary school, I find it hard to imagine that his parents would welcome an older GF who is throwing away her college career landing on their doorstep…</p>
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And funding little susie and johnny’s every whim works really well too.</p>
<p>Wait a sec- with my D1, it’s soo typical to get one of these wacky notions thrown our way-- simply to let us be the ones responsible for using sane judgment. (She gets to be the wanter and we get to be the thinkers.) Her latest idea was a 3rd world country. So, is this really a plan your D has in mind or just an idea she wants to throw out? </p>
<p>Money and planning (where to live, what to do there) are legit discussions. So is how to make the most of the college years. Is there any school-based way to spend a semester there?</p>
<p>In my book, some helicoptering and tiger-momming are still needed, until they show they are closer to young adulthood than high school mentality. Applied with caution and gently.</p>
<p>Unfair shot, JHS! I’m not saying parents should control their kids’ sex lives. I stay out of my D’s. I’m just saying you don’t have to support them financially if they decide to drop out of school and go to Europe to be with a boyfriend. Would you honestly continue to give your kid money to do that? I am paying for my D’s college expenses, but if she decided to drop all her classes to go live with her boyfriend overseas, I would not pay for that. (This is speaking as someone who actually did this 30 years ago, and boy, was it a mistake, and no, my parents didn’t give me any money to do this. I supported myself-the boyfriend turned out to be a total loser.)</p>
<p>Completely agree with tptshorty. If an individual over 18 wants to take the responsibility to make that kind of decision, thay can take the responsibility to fund their plan. We set aside funds for our kids education. EDUCATION. While dropping out of Harvard to galavant with an underage european may indeed be an education, it is not the type I would support financially.</p>
<p>IIRC, this boy she wants to drop out of Harvard to run off with is 16. Would you really condone/financially support that choice JHS? I see my role as parent to help my kids learn to make good, reasoned decisions, which includes thinking about the potential future impact (good and bad) of these decisions. I may support my kids emotionally, but I am not likely to financially support what I feel is a seriously bad decision.</p>
<p>I am with the with hold funding group - realistically, her BF is in basically high school and she would not be able to work unless she is ‘sponsored’…BF’s parents are not happy with the distraction…so from a logistical stand point, if there is no money or support then I wouldn’t worry too much about it. It is clear she hasn’t really thought this through. Maybe BF can goo to school in Boston next year and then they can see if the relationship would work…</p>
<p>I presume the laws might be more liberal in Sweden, but is many states in the US a college-age woman who engaged in an intimate relationship with a 16 year old boy could be charged with some sort of statutory rape or at least contributing to the delinquency of a minor.</p>
<p>Has the conversation ever gotten far enough with Dad to determine what she thinks she would do for money? Does she think that she could just wait tables over there? Or that she could live with his family? I’d be tempted to see if I can find the apartment ads and translate the rent into dollars to show her how much money she’d have to come up with to have a roof over her head.</p>
<p>In Sweden sexual consent is 15 yrs but at least she would have to wait till he was 18 before they could get married.</p>
<p>Why don’t you just let her go? Like most colleges, Harvard allows leaves of absence. I don’t think a kid who doesn’t want to be at college should be at college. Let them take a break, get whatever they think is more important out of their system and then go back when they are more mature and focused. Forcing her to stay when she doesn’t want to be there is squandering the huge opportunity of being there. She needs to be open to what her college can give her, not fixated on the boy in Sweden.</p>
<p>You should encourage her to go to Sweden for 2 weeks at Christmas instead of BF coming here. The sun rises after 8 am and sets at about 2:30 in the afternoon.</p>
<p>^^Scandinavia at Christmas is positively magical. Gorgeous decorations, charming traditions, best foods… I’d never come back.</p>
<p>If it were my daughter with an active libido, I’d prefer she be somewhere where the daylight hours are LONGER and the nighttime hours shorter :)</p>
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<p>This. Absolutely.</p>
<p>Last year, my daughter’s boyfriend wanted to sign a lease with her and move in together this year. We said that would be fine if she could figure out how to pay the rent. She is now living with friends.</p>
<p>You may say, “Oh, but she can sleep at the boyfriends any time.” And, I would say, “clearly! fine.” </p>
<p>Fast forward to this summer. She breaks up with boyfriend of over two years. Comes to us and thanks us for saying no way.</p>
<p>tptshorty: Sorry, I didn’t mean to take an unfair shot. I was responding to the Dr. Laura thing about not paying the bill for kids if they want to “shack up.” My shot was directed at her more than you, although you did say that you agreed with her.</p>
<p>And, no, of course I don’t believe in funding every whim. I wouldn’t pay for her to go to Sweden (although I would sure as heck pay for her to come BACK from Sweden), or subsidize her living there if she dropped out of college. But that has to do with going to college or not, not “shacking up” (or any other kind of ___ing euphemism).</p>
<p>By the way . . . many, many years ago, one of my older cousins was headed to a semester abroad in Florence, and she took a few weeks to get there, hitch-hiking and sight-seeing along the way. She never made it to Florence – somehow she got hung up in Copenhagen. She didn’t come home for 5 months, at which point she informed her parents that she had gotten married in Denmark and didn’t intend to finish college. And she didn’t. Her parents were pretty upset, as you might imagine.</p>
<p>She lived in Denmark for about 20 years. The marriage lasted maybe 3 or 4 of those. Ultimately she went to university in Denmark, and became a lawyer. Then she got a job with the UN in Geneva, and she lived there for 8 years. Her job was moved to New York, and she returned to the US for more than a brief visit almost 30 years after she left for her semester abroad.</p>
<p>While her parents didn’t help her financially at all at first, as time passed they certainly did (and she needed it). Ultimately, it really didn’t matter much at all whether she graduated from her college here or not. Her life was what it was. She and her parents had to find a way to have a good relationship with one another despite their respective flaws (and there were plenty of flaws, on both sides).</p>