My freshman daughter wants to quit college already!!!

Parents Forum
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<p>Hello, this is my first post on your forum. And I really need some help. I realize there are other threads probably that address this issue. But I would really appreciate some feedback. </p>

<p>My daughter has only been at school for the last couple of weeks and she already wants to quit and come home! Her Father and I know this is becaus of a couple of things but we don't know how to handle it. She is 17. She has an 18 year old boyfriend. They have been going out for about 8 months since high school. I know she really misses him and this is having a horrible effect on her at school. So this is #1 reason. The 2nd reason is she doesn't drink or smoke at all and there are tons of parties and drinking...so she feels out of place.</p>

<p>We are really baffled by her bahavior because she worked so hard her senior year, obtained a 4.0 and was very gung-ho to go away to college. We told her that we wanted her to finish at least 1 year there because of the huge financial investment. Plus the fact that we are hoping that the relationship with her boyfriend might come more into perspective once she gets acclamated and starts going out more and making more friends.</p>

<p>Any input is greatly appreciated. She is majoring in kinesiology and wants to open her own gym someday.</p>

<p>Thank you so much! I look forward to your replies.</p>

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<p>IMHO, I think she needs a little more time to adjust to the new life. There should be a lot of students that does not drink to be friends with and regards to the boyfriend, I am wondering if the relationship can survive the"turkey drop"…:)</p>

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<p>Boyfriends and girlfriends must be jettisoned when you go off to college.</p>

<p>I have a friend whose son got into a top school, and he passed it up to go to a community college nearby where his high school girlfriend is going to school.</p>

<p>Guaranteed, what is going to happen is that she will meet new boys doing things at her new school, in her new life, and this boy will be eventually “terminated”, and he will have regretted passing up going to the good school.</p>

<p>My first year and a half at college was horrible, but then, I started having fun. You have to explain to her that this is a marathon, not a sprint, and that she must hang in there. Many people have gone through a lot worse, and have prevailed. She should join a sorority with girls who seem to her to have similar personalities and interests. She should seek out friends who are not partiers.</p>

<p>She must finish the first year at least. But convince her to ditch the boyfriend. How many people marry their high school sweethearts nowadays. This is not 1957. This issue should have been addressed, and anticipated, before she went away. For example, she should be studying, not talking with her boyfriend and emailing him all night, as she is probably doing.</p>

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<p>This experience is very common. And it can happen to the least likely student that you would imagine. I don’t know how far away she is, and whether you could get a refund at this point, but some kids just aren’t ready for college at 17. I know in other countries like Great Britain and Australia it is common for students to take a “gap year” before they start at the university, to work, travel, or doing something different after all those years of school. The boyfriend is just part of the whole picture. I would suggest you try to get her to stay at least for the first semester, but keep an open mind in case she really can’t handle it.
I had a similar experience centuries ago- I couldn’t wait to go away to college, but the whole thing blew up in my face and I had to leave sophomore year to really figure myself out. Again, in many other countries they don’t do this “going away to college” thing. Some kids are happier closer to home, and they can be the ones who were most gung-ho about it. I should know- it was me!</p>

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<p>"You have to explain to her that this is a marathon, not a sprint, and that she must hang in there. Many people have gone through a lot worse, and have prevailed. She should join a sorority with girls who seem to her to have similar personalities and interests. She should seek out friends who are not partiers.</p>

<p>She must finish the first year at least. But convince her to ditch the boyfriend."</p>

<p>Not saying the IDEA is wrong, but is that going to “work”? I DO think if she CAN “hang in there”, it will work itself out. Make sure she knows you are there to listen (but maybe not “fix”). My D had a rough 1st semester, and I didn’t really “hear” her until Thanksgiving. She is now a happy senior.</p>

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<p>There are probably a few exceptions, but joining a sorority as suggested by floridadad55 is probably NOT a way to get away from partiers. She should look into other clubs on campus and give a couple of them a try – there are usually tons of options. The parties/drinking may be because she had the bad luck to draw a roommate (or a dorm) with that as a dominant behavior. It probably isn’t the whole campus. Another thing she could do is see if there is substance free housing, and check into whether she could move in there at the semester break (sometimes kids are going abroad or graduating early or drop out, and housing opens up).</p>

<p>Floridadad55, you seem so confident that you can control the actions (and the heart) of an 18 year old. You can’t just “make” them jettison a bf or gf; in fact, parental pressure to do so is a pretty sure way to bring them together in the face of what they perceive as adversity. That said, if I were the parents, I would limit trips home to just a couple during first semester outside of the holidays (if indeed the student is even close enough to come home).</p>

<p>I do agree that the parents should encourage her to stay through the first year; a very high percentage of students are unhappy at first, but by 2nd semester they usually settle in a bit more.</p>

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<p>Ask her to try and have an open mind until at least the Christmas break. Most transfer admissions are not due until late winter/early spring, so she has plenty of time to get to know people at her new school, get involved with classes and activities, deal with being away from her boyfriend, etc. Then, if she applies, and if she is accepted, she can make a final decision in the spring when she has completed a full year at her school.</p>

<p>Believe me, I understand your situation. D1 had some doubts about her choice going into fr year (different from your Ds) but tried to make a go of it. She did end up transferring as a soph, but has lots of friends from her first school that she still keeps in touch with and has grown to appreciate the fact that every college has something to offer. D2 is a fr this year, and although she and her boyfriend of about 8 months broke up because of going to college far apart, I am concerned that this is likely to affect her getting used to her new home and making friends.</p>

<p>I would urge her to join study groups, ECs, and anything else where there won’t be the partying atmosphere. While the degree may change, I think pretty much all colleges have a lot of drinking and partying, so that’s something she’ll have to deal with where ever she goes to school.</p>

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<p>I would continue to support her and stress she needs to stay there for at least 1 year. There must have been some great reasons for her to go to that school so help her remember them. She does need to go out and make friends. I doubt everyone at that school parties. She needs to join some clubs, get out.</p>

<p>Do not let her quit. If she wants to transfer, tell her you will support that but she has to do the leg work and paperwork. </p>

<p>I would caution against saying anything about boyfriend (good or bad) or pressuring her to drop him. She may end up dropping him or he her, but it’s their relationship and if you do anything to mess with it, it could blow up in your face. </p>

<p>My DS has a far away girlfriend and are having issues, so I can so feel your pain.</p>

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</p>

<p>It probably won’t work.</p>

<p>Try this – go up to anyone (high schooler, college student, young graduate, middle-aged person, whoever) and tell them, “Hey, you need to ditch your boyfriend/spouse/whatever.” It doesn’t matter what your reason is or how good your intentions are; they’re going to see it as overbearing and manipulative and probably cling all the harder. </p>

<p>My advice? Don’t focus on the boyfriend unless she brings it up as a problem. If your advice begins with trying to control her romantic life, she might be less receptive to your suggestions, not just about this but about the other problem too (culture shock involving drinking and partying). Has she fully immersed herself in college life yet? (Joining clubs, hanging around the dorm, finding a job, or even just a study group or a group of friends to eat?) A lot of times they have excessively strong ties to their hometown (going home every weekend) and ignore everyone who is actually at the college. This can make them feel lonely and isolated (and if that’s the case, telling her to ditch her boyfriend won’t really help, any more than you would tell someone who is lonely to ditch all of their current friends). </p>

<p>I agree with the above advice. Ask her to give it some time – frame it as a financial thing if you want to – and talk to her about her problems to come up with some solutions. I personally think that you shouldn’t try to tell her why she’s unhappy, even if you already know; it’ll help better if she comes up with the problem and the solution with your help.</p>

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<p>Mean parents here…we told our kids they had to give it ONE year’s try before even discussing other options. If they decided to leave before that, they had to pay us back the tuition costs. Neither of them had the inclination to leave their schools. Actually both loved their colleges.</p>

<p>I would not mentiont the boyfriend at all. These things have a way of working themselves out without parent intervention…one way or another. In fact, I would do the opposite, if it’s not too far for her to visit you at home…let her come every 6 weeks or so.</p>

<p>Your daughter needs to look for clubs or activities on campus where she will find like minded folks. There certainly must be some of those. Our daughter found some great friends who she met working out at the fitness center. They also had community service groups on her campus. Find some activity or club of interest and get involved.</p>

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<p>I agree that parents should stay FAR away from the boyfrind issue. However, you should encourage her to join a club, even a sorority. Trust me, there are many girls in sororities that don’t drink, and she can be one of the sober sisters. She may not have many people that she can trust yet, so some real bonding is in order-road trip, retreat, etc. </p>

<p>This isn’t summer camp. A lot of money is at stake here. She needs to stay the semester, and probably the entire year. She can certainly look for alternatives, but you as a parent need to ahve a serious talk about money and future expectations. After all, if you are only paying X each semester, then she needs to find another school that will match that. If she has merit aid, then that may have her rethink her actions. </p>

<p>I know going away is hard, but she is an adult now, and she needs to learn to deal with this. Unless she is having emotional issues beyond homsickness and she is not failing, offer her support but not a way out.</p>

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<p>1) it’s still too new for her to quit. There’s a reason why sleepaway camps for kids don’t allow kids to call home for the first two weeks and Parent’s weekend is the last weekend of a 4-week camp session. Getting acclimated takes awhile, even when she’s “trying”.</p>

<p>2) is she trying? I understand she’s missing her BF, but she has to find her own friends where she is and not rely on him as entertainment. Remind her to limit texting and phone calls to him so she can spend time getting more familiar with her new environment. If you find her still over-texting/calling, remind her why she’s at school (which is not to spend all her social time with her BF) and what it took to get there. Do NOT think you have control over their relationship. Don’t try to have her break it up. She’ll resent you.</p>

<p>3) there is often a lot of drinking and partying during the first few weeks of school. That’s what she sees now, but eventually kids settle down. Be sure to encourage her to find clubs as social outlets.</p>

<p>4) there should never be a “hard and fast rule” that says your daughter should stay there for one full year. Certainly she should evaluate how it’s going by the END of the first semester. It still may not ideal, but be open and supportive if she is still miserable by December.</p>

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<p>I would definitely tell her that based on the investment made, it is required that she give it a year. Suggest to her that she purposefully get out of her shell and proactively seek out clubs where she will have more in common with the members than the randomness that can sometimes happen on a dorm hall. (Luckily my kids’ dorm assignments and acclimation groups were done to give the kids some comfort zone of commonness.) </p>

<p>Dance? Theatre? Politics? Poetry? Newspaper? Campus Radio station? Womens Issues? etc etc etc Most college campuses have tons of clubs/activities. Sometimes freshman are just overwhelmed or think these groups are too formed for them to easily jump into. Tell her she needs to reach out if these groups aren’t making their presence known to freshman.</p>

<p>If she doesn’t drink and is feeling uncomfortable around others who are, then maybe she can seek out a “substance free” dorm group? (I assume all colleges have some version of this, maybe I’m wrong.)</p>

<p>As far as the boyfriend…I’d stay out of that one. One thing for sure about young love–they tend to cleave to each other all the more when parents start interfering. I do know an 18 year old girl who broke it off with her boyfriend from her hometown when she went to Fordham in NYC. It hurt a lot, but within a week she said she knew it was the right decision. No she didnt automatically connext with someone else, she just after a week knew it wasnt the right thing to continue. But I’d just tell the story , and then tell another of kids who maintain romantic realtionships with kids at other colleges, but make new friends wehre they are. make it her decision, just make sure she knows that their are options / alternatives.</p>

<p>Good luck. And something tells me that this, too, will pass.</p>

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<p>

This is reasonable. You can’t force her to of course, but if you’re paying for her college she needs to do her end. </p>

<p>(from Thumper1)

This is a reasonable approach as well. She’s a big girl now - in college and laying the foundation for her future. If she’s going to be so frivolous in her approach to this then she should know that she has a stake in it.</p>

<p>

I’m sure she’s not the only one there who doesn’t drink/smoke. She needs to give it a chance and end up finding some of the others more compatible with her. They’re there but she hasn’t given it a chance. Firstly, she’s only been there a couple of weeks and secondly, has probably spent much of her spare time talking/texting/IMing her BF rather than mixing with others.</p>

<p>

It’s a good thing to hope for and there’s a good chance it’ll happen. You probably won’t get anywhere trying to force the issue though, not that you were planning that, and the better focus s/b on the importance of the education to her future.</p>

<p>You’re right that this comes up here on CC every year about this time. You can do a search to find similar threads and lots of responses.</p>

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<p>I do not agree that the boyfriend issue should be ignored. I know you can’t tell your kid what to do, or control her heart, but you can give the kid some long term perspective. The kid needs to know that the problems she is having now are probably problems she won’t even remember 20 years from now.</p>

<p>I say this because i have a friend whose son passed up a top school, so he could go to a community college which was near where his high school girlfriend is going to school. His parents allowed him to do this. I predict that she will eventually dump him, because she will be involved in her new life, as he will be an outsider, and then he will be left at the community college, wishing he had gone to the top school when he had the chance. </p>

<p>If this daughter keeps running home to her boyfriend, or waits anxiously for his visits, she will never adjust to her new situation. </p>

<p>Long distance relationships for college students is not a good idea. My brother’s son had a beautiful, wonderful girlfriend, and they did a long distance relationship for a year, but eventually, they both settled in at their respective schools, and went their separate ways. </p>

<p>She needs to become part of the group she is now in. The boyfriend interferes with that. She should be told that soon, she will meet a new guy, and then she won’t want to come home. Or that her boyfriend will meet a new girl where he is going to school. She should be told that this scenario is the scenario that is likely to happen. And that just about every high school kid who goes off to college faces the same situation. Not many people today marry their high school sweatheart.</p>

<p>That being said, she should probably talk to a counselor at her college. They probably have people there that help the kids who are having trouble adjusting.</p>

<p>And I would join a sorority, but I would pick one where the girls are similar to her. Not all of them will be hard core partiers. For example, if she is very studious, there is probably a sorority that has girls like that. If she feels uncomfortable around the girls at a particular sorority when she rushes, simply move on to the next sorority, until she finds one where she fits in.</p>

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<p>Floridadad55 you really seem to have this thing about telling posters that others have always had it worse so basically suck it up and move on as you have said the same thing in a couple of posts now. Saying that BF and GF must be jettisoned is a crock. My D and her BF were going out for all of grade 12 and they are both juniors now in college and are still going strong while doing their respective degrees in 2 different countries. They took the time to figure out how they would continue their relationship long distance and did they trust each other enough to do it. In the first year of college we even made arrangements with his parents that once during the year they would pay for their son to go visit my D at her campus for a weekend and that we would do then same at his campus. We never had to use it because they had come to terms with the situation and I did provide them with a calling card (since my D is in the US and the BF is Canada) that they could call each other for $0.01 per minute.</p>

<p>It is a very difficult situation to be in at that age (I was there many years ago as well) and both the BF and the D need the parents support and understanding. If they don’t make the turkey drop then so be it but until that decision is made by THEM then as parents we have the responsibility to be supportive, understanding and there for that phone call where they need to let it all out.
To the OP it does get better and she will fit in more at school. My D had a hard time the first few weeks especially with not being American but with patience the friends will be made, the parties will not be missed because the right friends don’t need to party and there are probably lots of other girls feeling the same way on campus. She should be searching what activities are on at the campus. My D’s campus usually a things on almost every day of the week. They may not be something she is immediately drawn to but give it a try you might be surprised and may actually meet other people. I really really hope it works out for your daughter without her having to withdraw or transfer, that could be the worst decision without first giving everything she can. Good Luck and tell her long distance relationships can work out.</p>

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<p>My D1 started college at 17 last year & doesn’t smoke or drink either (well she drank a little over the summer when she was “legal” in England, but that’s a little different.) It took her a little while to find her people; two of her three roomies were in sororities & loved jello shots while the other one just loved to party. She’s rooming with 2 girls this year who also don’t smoke or drink & their big move in night party involved making cookies :)</p>

<p>I’d keep my mouth shut about the boyfriend as well. I am very surprised by how few couples D knows that did break up after going to school. I think that skype, texting and unlimited cell phone plans allow couples to continue a relationship that would have been impossible in the past. And nothing makes love seem more wonderful than it being forbidden (see: Romeo, Juliet.)</p>

<p>Did your d spend time away in the summers before college? Has she ever spent extended time away from family? It’s a big transition. You didn’t mention how far away from home she is; D is just over 3 hours away and she’s determined that 4-5 weeks is the maximum she’s comfortable being away from home before she needs to visit, snuggle with her cat & relax from the constant stimulation of the dorm. </p>

<p>A lot of experienced parents say to remember than kids will call their parents to vent and then hang up leaving an upset parent, while they have moved on. I’ve heard that it’s not a bad idea to let the phone roll to voice mail and not grab it on the first ring. Remember we couldn’t call our parents at will while we were in college. Sometimes the ability to constantly be in touch has a negative side.</p>

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<p>I agree that the parents can not control anything regarding the boyfriend- nor should they.</p>

<p>If you can search old threads, you will find one about my son literally running away from his Ivy League college in March of freshman year. He hated it and he and a friend who was equally miserable headed for Utah. Long story, but we let him know that he wasn’t going anywhere with our car, credit card or blessing and that he was welcome to do transfer applications, but he better get his butt back to school. They did. He wound up staying and changing some things for himself (also did transfer apps and had some options) and graduated in 2010. He had a great experience the next three years.</p>

<p>Freshman year can be a huge adjustment, and I understand your daughter’s misery. I really do. However, the financial investment is great, and she needs to stick it out a year, and by February she can look into transfer options.</p>

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<p>OP, I feel your pain. We were in <em>exactly</em> your situation two years ago with my son. I echo the advice of others. Tell your daughter she has to stick it out for the whole year. If she still wants to transfer at Christmas time, then she has to be the one who fills out (and pays for) the transfer applications for a new school next fall. Ignore the bf issue because she won’t listen anyway. The whole drinking/partying thing might just be an excuse that she’s using to get you to agree she can quit. There are always going to be kids who drink and kids who don’t at every school.</p>

<p>My son went ahead and transferred after his first year, even though we were strongly against it and it cost us a boatload of money (he lost the merit scholarship at his first school). Two years later, he’s much happier at his new school and still with his girlfriend. I still think his transfer was a mistake but at least we feel like he stuck it out for a year and he transferred in an orderly way (rather than just quitting and coming home after two weeks, which is what he wanted to do.)</p>

<p>Good luck. It’s a tough situation. Let us know what happens.</p>

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<p>I just spent a day visiting DD1 and there’s absolutely no time for parties, eating, drinking, social life, etc. The campus was deserted (large 30,000 student Flagship State U) except the Architecture building where students that two weeks ago did not know what end of the X-acto blade does the cutting are now spending days and nights making their models just perfect. DD1’s significant other of 1.5 years is also attending the same college and thanks to his schedule (pre-med & 1 college sport) they see each other mostly on Facetime across campus… (great invention btw, makes Skype look like something from the stone age)</p>

<p>Seriously, could the answer be that she’s not challenged enough academically, leaving more hours in the day to wonder about things like a social life? Or, could she get involved in other activities, EC’s, sports, etc? </p>

<p>I kind of felt the same way back in my days - Freshman Comp Science was not unlike Architecture in terms of hours and social life (no laptops/dorm PC’s just yet) so everyone’s life revolved around the Computer Center. While my business major or biology major friends enjoyed a night out on Friday, we were buried in printer paper trying to get our code to work…</p>