<p>It is too long. I like the end. Maybe you start with “everything in my life you carry with you.” You neeed to draw the reader in during the start of your story and then reduce the story to keep it intriguing. You have a lot of ways to take the story to show self reliance or a long list of character qualities that many colleges look for from their students. Think about which one you want to exhibit and then rewrite your story through that lens. I agree you need to remove so that no ome else duplicates.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>