<p>My world consists of the 473 members of the class of 2011; however each one of us graduates did not get to this day alone. We all had a guiding light often time we call them our parents. Everyday they forced us to school to prepare for our future, and now together we are ready to join the 6,829,312,802 people in the world. My family consists of four people including myself which is relatively small in comparison to the world population. However, these three people have shaped my dreams and aspirations more dramatically than the other 6,829,312,799 people ever could.
I live in the basic upper middle class, suburban home with the classic white picket fence like in the movies. I have a mother, a father, and a sister which is the outline of the average American family household. They all drive practical cars, and do not feel the need to spend excess money for extravagant materials. I could not honestly say I faced a bumpy road to get where I am. I am the youngest daughter from a Taiwanese family, and it is safe to say I live a very comfortable lifestyle. However, it is true we are shaped by our environment because having such a comfortable life has opened my eyes to life in a different perspective.
People who have faced obstacles such as poverty, or abandonment know the importance of self survival, but growing up I saw the world through my own eyes. I saw my parents go to work everyday and return home every night to provide for us. They work hard, and I always understood that one day I too would have to work hard to earn my place in this world. My family worked hard enough to provide me with the tools for success and a little extra, allowing every window of opportunity to be shown to me. I watched my parents climb the company latter, and help people along the way including my sister and I. They helped her with the major decisions in her life like where she should go to college and what she should study, in other words they tried to take the pressure off. I always saw the world as a give and take situation and I had taken so much that I had to learn to give back. Watching my family help people who were not as fortunate, gave me a desire to help the people I could.
I started helping people by volunteering at the Huntington Memorial Hospital, then at learning centers, and local schools. I helped people who at the time were not capable of helping themselves or just could use the extra hand. However, in my family if we were going to do something it was either go big or go home. So that became my goal to solve the biggest problems facing our world. I knew that could not be done without the proper education. I would not be able to help anybody or solve anything if I was incapable of helping myself. From there my dreams and aspirations became to attend a University, majoring in Pre-Law, and begin to help those who did not know how to help themselves.
Those three people in my family gave me insight on what I want to do with the rest of my life. They may not have said it in so many words, but actions do speak louder than words.</p>
<p>Is this for a graduation speech or college or what? It’s nice but very ordinary. If it’s for graduation you should talk about shared experiences with your class, not just yourself. If it’s for college, I don’t learn anything about you except a little in the end so you want to incorporate yourself more.</p>
<p>Suggest you begin your statement using the sentences of your second paragraph …</p>
<p>“I am the youngest daughter from a Taiwanese family, and it is safe to say I live a very comfortable lifestyle. I live in the basic upper middle class, suburban home with the classic white picket fence like in the movies. I have a mother, a father, and a sister which is the outline of the average American family household. They all drive practical cars, and do not feel the need to spend excess money for extravagant materials. I could not honestly say I faced a bumpy road to get where I am. However, it is true we are shaped by our environment because having such a comfortable life has opened my eyes to life in a different perspective.” </p>
<p>Discuss how these “different perspectives” have changed your world view and how you’ve incorporated these new perspectives in your life’s actions and have grown from them as a result. Stay away from generalities because they say nothing about you. Support your statements with specific examples. For example, I’m not clear how studying “pre-law” will help you help others. You have a lot of good thoughts and idealistic statements. Personalize these statements.</p>
<p>the beginning did sound a little like a graduation speech so heres my second try:
People in the world are like a bunch of dominoes we have all been set up on a nice path to who knows where. Like dominoes some of us are unstable and shaky, however there are those of us who are stronger and stand firmly planted. I was lucky enough to be a very stable firmly planted domino, because of the world I come from. The real world consists of 6,829,312,799 people, but only the three in my family shaped my dreams and aspirations.
I live in the basic upper middle class, suburban home with the classic white picket fence like in the movies. My room is very ordinary I have a bed, a desk, some windows, and a closet filled with clothes. I have a mother, a father, and a sister which is the outline of the average American family household. They all drive practical cars, and live an above average life. Growing up in such a clich</p>
<p>Not to be mean, but your paper is too generic. I assume that you are applying to the UCs because you quoted “dreams and aspirations”. Correct me if I am wrong though. Anyways, imagine the UC admissions officer reading 1000000000 personal statements. They are short on staff (because of the budget cuts) and after the 99th paper they just want to quit their job because of all the BS papers they get. Just think of it this way, there are tens of thousands of applicants out there and you need to stand out in the crowd. If the admissions officer reads the first line and he/she isn’t engaged, they’ll just toss the paper and move on to the next. I think your comparison of dominoes to people hurts your paper rather than helps it because it is just a horrible comparison (rather, it makes me want to hurl and throw away your paper before I want to finish reading it). I don’t get it at all. Basically, don’t use something if it is poorly thought of. I also do not like the “actions do speak louder than words part” because it just proves that you are settling for unoriginality because you are copying a quote (this would be good on the essay portion on the SAT writing test but not here when your BS actually counts). I would advise you to be more creative and original rather than settling for mediocrity. Just think of it this way, every sentence in your paper must have some sort of significance. If it doesn’t, spare the admissions officer his/her time from reading a BS essay. I would advise you to keep on brainstorming other ideas of essays because this essay is, to be honest, boring. Sorry for the harsh criticism but I hope this helps. Good luck on the college application process!</p>
<p>another try ?
The world has billions of people roaming around, well 6,829,312,799 people to be exact. However, I could not say that all of those people have affected me in any dramatic way. Only three people have, and that is a relatively small number in comparison to the world. When I hear the words dreams or aspirations the first word that comes to my mind is University. This became my dream because of the world I come from, everything around me is mediocre, and I come from a world of mediocrity. Everything about my life from the white picket fence house to the small town school is generic. I may sound blunt or greedy but I want more, and in this world there are only three people who want more for me.
I have a mother and a father who raised me in an upper middle class suburban area. They work like every other member in society to provide for my sister and me. Personally I think the city I live in now is quite small, but my parents both originated from Taiwan from an even smaller village. They left because they too wanted to see more of the world; they knew there was more out there. I guess my sense of curiosity for the world stemmed from there. Then there is my sister, she attended the same elementary, middle, and high school as I did. She too wanted more; growing up in a little town does not leave much room for the mind to grow. After high school, she went off to a University and when she came back there was a glimmer in her eyes that never existed when she lived here. I watched her work hard throughout her twelve years of mandatory schooling to get out of here, and find her place in the world. I saw a change in the way she spoke, and the way she carried herself, her entire presence had changed. That is when I knew I wanted that too. She had exceeded the mediocre life she had been given, and know the world was her playground.
I knew if I wanted a chance to reach the University I would have to break out of my shell. I would have to explore what was out there on my own. Coming from a working class family they had to maintain my living expenses, so I could not ask them for much more. I began to seek my own opportunities I gained independence from it. I started volunteering at the hospital, learning centers, and schools. I followed my parents to work occasionally, and even applied for a part time job. I wanted to get perspective from every part of the world. While every student was content with just going to school then going home to play video games, I was not. I even went as far as the opposite coast to see what the world had. I saw an entirely different lifestyle, an entirely different mind set.
Not only did I want to see more, I wanted to help the people around me see more. Growing up, with the family I had gave me opportunities to go explore and see different things and experience different living conditions. However, some people are not so fortunate and they feel trapped. Nobody truly wants to live in a mediocre world, everyone wants more for themselves. I wanted to help them see more of the world, like my family had helped me. I knew though I would not be able to help anyone unless I could help myself first. Going to a University would give me the tools I needed to help myself out of the small town, and into the real world. From there the world would be filled with endless opportunities that I would never be able to see without going to a University.</p>
<p>If this essay is for the UCs as thefakaru guessed, it is too long. There is not much word count left for the second essay. Having one essay much longer than the other is probably not good.</p>
<p>Lots of information in the essay should already be on the college application. Just a few examples:
“I have a mother and a father who raised me in an upper middle class suburban area.”
There is a section on the college app about your parents.</p>
<p>“Coming from a working class family they had to maintain my living expenses, so I could not ask them for much more.”
There are very few high school students whose living expenses are not provided by their parents.</p>
<p>“I started volunteering at the hospital, learning centers, and schools.”
There is a section on the college app about ECs.</p>
<p>The essays give you an opportunity to distinguish yourself more, not to state the obvious. Perhaps you should try another topic or do the same topic with another angle. Cut down on words that have no substance, that don’t make the reader want to read more, that don’t provide new insights about you.</p>
<p>My son who applied last year also wrote an essay about dreams/aspirations to go to college. I think it is a difficult topic to do well on. Another student in his school wrote an essay about her move from Taiwan when she was young, it brought me to tears. I read many essays last year and most of them went through many revisions.</p>
<p>Keep trying and good luck.</p>
<p>another try ?
Many people believe being average is mediocre, therefore it is nothing to be proud of. Anyone can be average, and everyone can be normal. However, sometimes if we look closely enough average is something to be proud of. I come from a normal middle class suburban home. I am as average as it gets from the white picket fence around my house to the freezer with vanilla ice-cream. I have a mother and a father who provided me with this ordinary life, they never pushed me to be anything great. They truly believed mediocrity was okay, and I never understood why. Talking about my parents being immigrants from Taiwan is the typical story, as well as talking about their struggles. It is true when they first came to this country they had very little, and they both worked hard to buy a home and be a part of a middle class community. However, if I did not grow up from this average family I do not think I would have realized the importance or have the desire to go to a University.
I aspire to be more than average, because I grew up in average but my heart always wanted more. I was never ashamed of who I was or where I came from. Just because I did not have all the things I’ve ever wanted did not make me resent being average. Instead it gave me a purpose, it was my motivation to create a better future for myself. Greatness does not happen over night it is a work in progress, so I set out to make my dreams come true. I knew that as long as I lived a stable life my family would be proud because that is more than what they had growing up. I wanted to achieve greatness, starting with gaining independence. I never lost sight of the family I came from however I learned not to be as co-dependent. I took trips from coast to coast to see different life styles and different mind sets. I learned that growing up in California in general gave me a more laid back sense than someone born in the heart of New York. I traveled to different countries in Europe like France, Greece, England, and Italy to become more cultured. I learned there is so much more in this world than what we see on a daily basis.
I want to be apart of that world, I want to know more and grow more. Sometimes I would feel as though I wanted to be a thousand places at once. The only place in the entire world that could have that same feeling would be at a University. There are people from average families from different parts of the world. They bring their culture, and life style, they bring more. When all the different people in the world are placed together they make something extraordinary. Without having grown up in such an average family I would never have felt the desire to go out there, and see that there is more to life.</p>
<p>I went through the application process last year and not only were there a lot of revisions, but I also dumped many completed essays and started a totally different paper before I finally got to my final draft</p>
<p>It’s a great essay; yet, it’s very broad. You cover a lot of ground and that can sometimes navigate the reader or admissions away from getting to the point you’re trying to make. PERSONALLY, I think that you should focus on a specific moment that you could tie this essay together. For example:</p>
<p>“I took trips from coast to coast to see different life styles and different mind sets. I learned that growing up in California in general gave me a more laid back sense than someone born in the heart of New York.”</p>
<p>Why not write about a specific trip you took which opened your eyes to the outer world, a world which you wish to be a part of? You can sprinkle interesting facts about yourself that are in your original essay yet that will stick to this topic. </p>
<p>Keep it going though! You’re on the right track, it took me many revisions to get towards mine. </p>
<p>Good luck, hoping to see more. :)</p>
<p>thanks i took your advice and tried it again
Many people believe being average is mediocre, therefore it is nothing to be proud of. Anyone can be average, and everyone can be normal. However, sometimes if we look closely enough average is something to be proud of. I come from a normal middle class suburban home. I am as average as it gets from the white picket fence around my house to the freezer with vanilla ice-cream. I have a mother and a father who provided me with this ordinary life, they never pushed me to be anything great. They truly believed mediocrity was okay, and I never understood why. Talking about my parents being immigrants from Taiwan is the typical story, as well as talking about their struggles. It is true when they first came to this country they had very little, and they both worked hard to buy a home and be a part of a middle class community. However, if I did not grow up from this average family I do not think I would have realized the importance or have the desire to go to a University.
I aspire to be more than average, because I grew up in average but my heart always wanted more. I knew that as long as I lived a stable life my family would be proud because that is more than what they had growing up. I wanted to achieve greatness, starting with gaining independence. I never lost sight of the family I came from however I learned not to be as co-dependent. I took trips from coast to coast to see different life styles and different mind sets. I learned that growing up in California in general gave me a more laid back sense than someone born in the heart of New York. Somewhere inside me I knew I had wished I had been part of that world. The experience I opened my eyes to a world where every person truly believed time was money. Living in California almost made me believe everywhere was easy going, with beaches and sunshine. However, going to the opposite coast made me realize everywhere in the world someone may have the same circumstances but their life is completely different. What we think is normal like sunshine, and beaches they think are different and rare. I learned there is so much more in this world than what we see on a daily basis.
Sometimes I would feel as though I wanted to be a thousand places at once. The only place in the entire world that could have that same feeling would be at a University. There are people from average families from different parts of the world. They bring their culture, and life style, they bring more. When all the different people in the world are placed together they make something extraordinary. Without having grown up in such an average family I would never have felt the desire to go out there, and see that there is more to life.</p>
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</p>
<p>This is good advice. Many essays can improve a lot by focusing on one or two specific events instead of being too broad. Really, you can’t cover too much in several hundred words. You want to show depth instead of breadth.</p>
<p>First paragraph: It is pretty long and all about how average you and your family are. Is that something you want to emphasize so much on? Be careful what kind of impression you leave the reader who will only spend a couple minutes on each essay with thousands to read. Also most of us live an average life. That is nothing special. It is a good paragraph but perhaps scale it back a little bit. Once you think the reader got the point, move on.</p>
<p>Second paragraph: This is an opportunity for you to shine, to “show” (don’t tell) the events that make you want to be outstanding. Expand on this and leave the reader an impression of how great you are and how great you want to be.</p>
<p>Have you seen this? It might help. I think it has some good examples of showing instead of telling and how to have more depth.
[How</a> to Write a Great College Application Personal Statement](<a href=“http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/personal.html]How”>http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/personal.html)</p>
<p>You are on to a good start and you have all summer to make it great.</p>
<p>well i tired it again focusing more on one event
Growing up I lived in two parts of the world, giving me two entirely different experiences. I spent the school year in California with the radiating sun, and cool beaches. Then I spent winter, spring, and summer vacation in New York with the harsh winds and heavy downpour. The time I spent in California I lived in a small community, and went to a small school with a graduating class of about 473 students. Then every break, I went off to the Big Apple with lots of noise, and definitely more than 473 people. I always felt lucky that I grew up knowing two completely different ways of life, and I could pick which one I wanted for myself in the future. I could never really choose which coast I liked more. I used to tell myself California was more fun and easy going because of the beaches, and big sports teams; while New York was more culture because they had Broadway, and Fashion Week. I soon realized this was not so because both coasts just took a different approach to culture and life styles.
After my freshman year of high school I was off for summer vacation, I had already packed my bags for New York a week in advance so we were off to the airport. My mother asked me a question that I had to think long and hard about as we were crossing the terminal. She asked what I wanted to do after high school, at the time I was so over whelmed by that statement I froze up. I never gave her an answer until the end of that summer because I did not even know the answer. I spent that summer “soul searching” I guess, I tried to find all my favorite things about New York and why. I liked the fact that all around me there were large buildings, and people on their blackberry’s. It sounds strange to like that, but I did I did not see things like that where I was from in California. All those people with their blackberry’s heading towards those large buildings or small restaurants made it look like they had a sense of purpose, they were not just wandering around like I was. I liked how Time Square defined the entire city in one space, it made me want to have a single place that gave me a sense of who I was. I liked how they put an art gallery right next to a boutique, it showed me culture and enjoyment can mix together.
So at the end of the summer I was ready to give my mother an answer, I told her when high school was over I wanted to go somewhere that had both coasts put into one coast. Then I thought about it until we landed back in LAX, and I said a place with two coasts is a university and that is where I aspire to go. A university not only has both coasts but both sides of every country in the world. That is where I wanted to go, that summer is when I realized it was the right choice for me.</p>
<p>I want to throw out my opinion:</p>
<p>College essays NEED to be a narrative. They have to be concise, they have to immediately be to the point, and they have to be edgy while retaining their uniqueness. </p>
<p>I think you should start a new essay from scratch. </p>
<p>Think of how many students are writing that same essay.</p>
<p>My GPA wasn’t that great, yet I still got into some very, very good schools. I swear it was my essay.</p>
<p>I wrote about Radio Controlled Cars. I wrote about the profound impact these simple, yet complicated machines had on my passion as a person and human. About where this passion comes from, about how it drives me, about how it helps me explore everything. Yet mostly, about how it makes me different.
On one of my other essays I wrote about theoretical physics.</p>
<p>The admissions staff don’t want to hear about your problems, they don’t want to hear about how hard it was for you to grow up. Because will that negative drive help you become a great academic? Hell no.</p>
<p>Teenagers are lost in a broad sense. That is what your displaying here. </p>
<p>The admissions staff know teenagers are mostly lost. That doesn’t need to be explained in an essay.</p>
<p>They want academics who have a passion of some sort which can get them somewhere. </p>
<p>Talk about what your passionate about and some of the edgy things you have done with regards to your passion.</p>
<p>If you want the best possible essay, you need a passion to write about.</p>
<p>Steve</p>