<p>I don't want to hover, I don't want to control. Here is my dilemma. </p>
<p>I am the mother of ID twin Ds who are entering their Jr. year. My girls are very similar in most areas however, when it comes to drive, work ethic, what have you D1 clearly has more. D1 is very excited about the college search. She is enjoying the decision making process. She also has worked very hard so that she has the stats that will make applying to some top schools, like Scripps, Mudd and Clarmont Mckenna, more than just an excercise. </p>
<p>D2 on the other hand has informed me that, for now anyway, she doesn't want to go to any regional info sessions, she doesn't want to look at viewbooks and the only reason she is willing to go on a Southern Calif college vist tour is bc we are combining it with a trip to Disneyland.</p>
<p>I have backed off. She knows that learning about the different colleges is an important step in the process. She also know that she is more likely to find the place where she will be totally happy if she starts the process early. She articulates this but she has dug in her heels and I have respected it.</p>
<p>I think that she is anxious about what it all means. She's playing a bit of the ostrich and hopes that in not dealing with it somehow she won't feel the anxiety that comes with this stage. She says that she wants to leave home for college and not attend the local community college but I wonder if at this point anyway she is equating the college search with hastening her inevitable leaving and she's scared. </p>
<p>Any advice is appreciated. My main worry is that she will fail to explore her options and that they will therefore be lost to her. Thanks!</p>
<p>hm-
Our older son at the end of soph. year went to a college fair, my wife brought him, and he refused basically to even enter the hall. By the middle of junior year he took full charge of his college research and crystallized his goals. Perhaps your one daughter is just not quite ready yet, but once back at school, she may catch some of the excitement from friends.</p>
<p>Just a thought: perhaps D2 has realized that D1 has better stats, and therefore more options, and is feeling a bit inferior. Visiting the Claremonts with your twin would be no fun if you didn't have a realistic shot at admissions yourself. I would think that this would be a tough time of life to be a twin. It may be that the consequences of being a bit less motivated are hitting home for the first time. </p>
<p>Of course, she needn't feel inferior, so perhaps she should be introduced to colleges that she WILL have a reasonable shot at getting into. Once she sees that these are fine schools, and that she has many great options, maybe she will perk up. Can you pick a few (Redlands? Whittier?) to visit on the same trip to SoCal?</p>
<p>My twins were similar. One was living and breathing college from tenth grade. Loved her lists and viewbooks, etc. etc. The other was largely uninterested for a long time. Didn't care about touring, doing apps, not even packing when it was time to go! Needless to say, both ended up in great places and are extremely happy with their results.</p>
<p>(Both were very motivated students and quite involved in ECs though.)</p>
<p>I think that sometimes one twin hangs back when the other is so enthusiastic.</p>
<p>Totally agree with Irene. We visited colleges that both could be interested in as a family. Then I took some trips with one child while my husband visited schools with the other. We tried to switch off.</p>
<p>OK...I agree w/ irene and twinmom totally, but unless she is saying "I know the fact that my GPA is 3 tenths lower will prevent me from being accepted here so why bother?" I can't bring that up without devestating her! I don't know if she is aware that her lower GPA will be a factor yet. I want her to come to that realization on her own. I won't be the one to bring it up. ACKKK! So, how do I not encourage her to look at schools which are out of her reach but within her sister's w/o making her feel bad? Is that even possible?</p>
<p>I don't have twins (mercifully; I don't have the energy for twins).</p>
<p>But I do have two kids of different temperaments.</p>
<p>My son, who coasted through high school and most of teenage life, didn't want to talk about college, visit colleges, or even face up to the fact that there was college in his future. I had to drag him to visit our state university and one other college (a potential safety school). He hated every minute of the visits. He applied to only those two schools, saying, "Stop worrying, Mom. If I don't get in, I'll just keep my job for a year and apply again." (He had a part-time job he liked in a retail store and could easily have switched to full-time.) </p>
<p>He got into State U. He is now rising senior there. He loves the place. He has a 3.7 GPA in a tough major (computer science). He has had two good internships and has been involved in a research project for the last six months. He will probably graduate with honors, and he will be applying to graduate schools this year, with the intention of getting a Ph.D.</p>
<p>Kids change.</p>
<p>My daughter, who will start college this week (yikes!) was of an entirely different temperament. She worked her tail off in high school, and has the credentials to show for it. College was a major topic of conversation for her for the last two years of high school. She happily visited a dozen campuses and carefully planned her choices of where to apply. She got into a top-20 university Early Decision. Who knows what will happen when she gets there?</p>
<p>i think you need to look at the patterns and dynamics of each girl, and I bet this turn of events is not much different then the rest of their live</p>
<p>why bother if one sister is always the talkative, shiny, take over type?</p>
<p>what is they like in other parts of their lives and how do you handle it</p>
<p>the OP herself has said D1 has more, and I can guarantee D2 feels that she is lessor in mom's eyes, not different but less, and mom needs to look at how she treats the Ds, I wouldn't even call them D1 and 2 if they were twins, and why does D1 get top billing?</p>
<p>is D1 older and has that been the way they have been treated their whole lives?</p>
<p>it is hard enough to compete when there are two years apart, but when mom even says, D1 is "more" how can D2 possibly feel?</p>
<p>If she is not as strong a student as her sister,and since college admissions can be such a crapshoot these days, I suggest you add in visits to Occidental, USC, UCLA [?]for both girls while you are in S Calif.</p>
<p>another thing, stop this talk about "top" schools, that is not the way to discuss colleges with your two Ds, I can see why D2 is not interesteds</p>
<p>D1 is all about prestige, top schools stuff, while D2 may have other schools in mind, not lesser schools mind you, but different</p>
<p>and does D1 wrinkle her nose at D2s interests in schools</p>
<p>having 2 girls 2 year apart, I am aware of some of the girl issues that can take place, and it must really be hard with twins, but mom needs to stop right now with this one D having "more" and "top" schools, that is not handling it right at all</p>
<p>
[quote]
want her to come to that realization on her own. I won't be the one to bring it up. ACKKK! So, how do I not encourage her to look at schools which are out of her reach but within her sister's w/o making her feel bad? Is that even possible?
[/quote]
How is the guidance counseling at her school? And when do they have one-on-one meetings with their GC to come up with possible lists based on their interests, college-type preferences and grades/scores/ECs? Because I think if there is good Guidance at her school, it can happen that way. Each meets with the GC. Each comes up with a tailored list of reach/match/safety.</p>
<p>If the lists have overlap... voila, combined visits; or combo trip to a geographic area where you can visit some schools for each girl. If no overlap, specialized visits for each girl, where the twin can come along for the ride ... or not, as budget and desire permit.</p>
<p>I don't have twins, but I feel for you. If you search for posts and threads by frecklybeckly, I think you will find them interesting. She is a twin whose twin brother was the academic superstar and accepted by all the top schools. Headed off to an Ivy. She was no slouch academically - not at all - but did not have his results. She is extremely happy now at UMich and she has a very special musical talent which she is using at college. But she had some rough times being in his shadow in the college admissions process.</p>
<p>I think this one is expressing either independence of thought from sibling or doesn't want to go away to college. Either ok. Kids just complain at that age so just take her along letting her know she can do something different from her sister. (she can can't she?) I know ID twins who split up, one went away and the other stayed home for courses at a community college.</p>
<p>I wouldn't worry about her not being very interested in the college search at this point since she only a risng junior. Maybe it just seems more blatant to you because her sister is so into it. There are lots of kids out there not showing interest at this point.<br>
My college jr. S zipped through high sch. with great grades, stats etc. but was not at all interested in touring schools (he went on one tour because we forced him). He applied to 3 state schools (2 in-state, one oos). Got in his first choice with scholarships and is as happy as he can be and doing well.<br>
When the time comes, your D will probably step up to the plate and be just fine.</p>
<p>Citygirl...what I said was D1 has more drive. I never said she WAS more. I never wood. Please read more carefully before accusing parents of favoritism.</p>
<p>Yes, Historymom, I think you ARE handling this right....except for the worrying. </p>
<p>As you read through the posts on this site, you'll see that students become interested in the college search at different times. If, heading into her Sr. year, D2 is still avoiding the college business, I think that is the time to have a sit-down and guide her forward. For now, her sister is involved sooner than most are, which is fine, and D1 is living her life in the now, which is fine, too!</p>
<p>those are the words of the OP, and if I picked up a favoritism on a website, I can bet you your D2 has as well</p>
<p>have you looked at the way the girls react to other things in life? does one shine in your eyes more than the other, because that is how your post comes across, evenif you say you don't show preference</p>
<p>I reacted to your post and I bet your Ds react to you, even if you say you aren't picking a fave, kids sense that stuff more than we think, they pick up on the vibes or whatever and we don't give them enough credit for picking up subtle cues</p>
<p>As I said, I have 2 Ds two years apart, and I don't know all about twins, but I do know about daughters, and it is very easy to prefer one Ds style over the other and compare, which does both a disservice</p>
<p>Saying that one has more in this instance does not display favoritism. I have no doubt that the girls know how they are different. They are. I'm sure that D1 and D2 each have their own attributes and Historymom is sure to acknowledge that to them - probably all the time.</p>
<p>Believe me, these kids know exactly where they stand in relation to one another - socially, academically, athletically, etc. etc.</p>
<p>If one has higher stats, then that's the way it is. All kids are different - even twins. How many people post on this board that their younger child is way different than their older child?</p>
<p>It's also easy to get swept up in the excitement when one twin is perusing college literature ... normal for Mom to want the other to be equally enthused. She is posting on this board for support so that the other twin is not overwhelmed or turned off.</p>
<p>Parenting twins can be very complex - all parenting can be - but having multiples is a very, very unique situation.</p>
<p>all I was saying that as an outsider, i picked up the favortism in the post, and if I did, I bet the Ds do as well, regardless of being twins or not</p>
<p>If I had twins, I wouldn't have done the D1 and D2 thing, it would have be Dand first intial, sounds petty, but there is something to be said that mom put one girl first, not the one she is concerned about and was asking about, no, but the one she feels good about</p>
<p>says a lot</p>
<p>why didn't mom us D1 as the girl she had questions about and D2 for the other twin.....sometimes how we do things show how we feel, and it isn't just a little thing</p>
<p>its like introducing one child before the other all the time, or addressing one child before the other, you have to mix it up</p>