Nothing to do about college, but I could use some wisdom and advice

<p>I have to say that this is one of the best sites I've come across for both college information and just life with kids in general. That's why I've come here for some guidance, advice, suggestions.
I have 2 ds - one a senior, does well in school, active in plays and choir, great voice, great grades, etc. Already accepted to her first choice school.</p>

<p>My younger D is a sophmore. She's an A/B student in Honors classes, but didn't want to take AP/GT because she said it was too much pressure. She really doesn't have many ECs, has a nice group of friends, but is somewhat shy and extremely moody. Once you get to know her you see that she is absolutely one of the funniest people you'll ever meet. At this point she really wants to go into fashion design or something with make-up and hasn't discussed colleges at all except to say that she likes Parsons (but has no portfolio to show)</p>

<p>She doesn't really talk about what's happening with her friends, her classes, etc
She's probably more of the typical teenager in that respect,than was my eldest, who told me way too much.</p>

<p>Here's the problem...I can't seem to stop myself from trying to interfere in her life and I know I have to stop or she'll shut me out completely. With her sister going off to college next year, it will just be her at home and she'll get the brunt of all my mothering(smothering). Does anyone out there have a kid like this, if so, I could use your help, suggestions and support. I really need to learn when to push and when to hold back and let her make her way in life. </p>

<p>This mom stuff is hard!!!!!
Thanks!</p>

<p>I know exactly what you are talking about. My children are very different. When I found myself in a similar position last year, I backed off for a while, keeping myself busy in another part of the house in order to allow my child to listen to his music and do his own thing. After things cooled off a little (took about 2 months), I started asking him to go to lunch (kid loves to eat; shopping (vintage shop?) might work for your D). I didn't discuss anything heavy or push my views. We talked mainlly about old movies and music we both like. I tried just being with him without nagging. Things have improved a lot, and he now will ask my opinion and is more receptive to my guidance on things like chatrooms, homework, etc. We needed a break from each other. I hope some of the others can give you more input.</p>

<p>Wow Patty, I was going to suggest the same thing. Take her to lunch or dinner on a regular basis. Talk about anything except her. After a time, and this may happen very naturally, begin to speak of things she says interests her, like fashion.
To talk, you must first listen, and to talk to teens, I think you have to listen almost altogether. Soph year was the hardest personality wise for my daughter. Junior year was more academically challenging, but she seemed more comfy in her skin as a junior.</p>

<p>Does your younger D have any plans for going-away activities this summer? I found that out-of-town activities helped a lot with my D. (She was more like your older D, though.) The summer after 9th grade she was gone for a total of six weeks (two different camps and a long visit to a friend's family). </p>

<p>Fashion design: art classes, private drawing lessons, something like that to focus on career goals? The art center I attend has a fashion drawing class for teens. Just an idea.</p>

<p>I don't know what to say about how to manage yourself as a mom. I think we're all doing it "hit or miss". It really depends on the kid.</p>

<p>My son never really told me much on his own. But, if I asked, he would chat away about this or that. This might seem odd, but there were things I didn't know about him until I saw them on his college ap. i.e. he's a letterman in two varity sports? I learned he had run for and was elected to lead his senior class (this involved campaign, speeches, etc) I found out after the election was over and he had won - but still didn't know right away - it was like "oh, mom, by the way....". It sounds as if you just have an independent younger daughter. Other moms on CC have said similar things about their daughters, where the older one is very open, responsible, etc. SoozieVT comes to mind - one of her daughters is 16 and the other is a freshman in college. </p>

<p>I think your D, being in 10th grade, is probably at the top of the difficult-age scale. It seems that teens improve as they move to the end of 11th and into 12 grade. They mature and their hormones seem to stabilize a bit. Thus, this could improve quite a bit before you and she really need to make serious decisions about college. </p>

<p>If she's only casually interested in fashion/beauty you might be safe to assume that this is just something she tossed out at you. It's probably too soon to determine what she wants to do. Most of the seniors don't even know what they want to do - and that's fine and very normal. Rather than focusing on what she wants to do as a career, why not focus on what type of student she is. What motivates her? In what environment is she comfortable? </p>

<p>Anyway, don't push. She's too young for you to try to get her to worry about anything college related. She sounds like a good student. Figure out what's working for her and follow it through to see if she makes any shifts in her learning style over the next year. </p>

<p>Ask her what she likes about her school. (don't say anything about college) Just ask "do you like your school?" - see what she says (I suspect she'll say "yeah" and look for her ipod so you can't ask her anymore "stupid" questions...lol). Then ask her what she likes about it. This will give you some insight into what's important for her with regard to her learning enviroment. </p>

<p>Aside from college, which doesn't seem to be your main point here, I think you should remind yourself that if you smother her and don't let her make mistakes, she'll be in a world of trouble come senior year with college around the corner. </p>

<p>Do you want her to learn these hard lessons while under your roof, or when she's 1500 miles away at college? But, I return to my earlier point, it's a little soon to back off. At this stage, you're still teaching the lessons, not testing them. What sort of smothering do you think you're doing? Who says you're smothering? </p>

<p>I'm at the testing stage (son is a senior). His car inspection stickers expired on 3/1. He continues to promise that he'll get his inspection done - and he continues to slip the date. When he gets a ticket, he'll pay for it. If the car gets confiscated, that's it, no more car. </p>

<p>A little anecdote on fashion design:
My d, age 7, was riding in the car with me earlier this year. She told me she wanted to make clothes when she grows up. I said" Oh, like a fashion designer"? She said yes. I had visions of Versace gowns and my D creating couture in Paris. I happily started to explain what little I know about fashion design. She stopped me and said "no, I don't want to draw the clothes, I want to cut and sew them!!" In my deflated voice I said "so, you want to be a cutter and sewer?". "YES!" she said happily - "a cutter and sewer".</p>

<p>Use your extra time and your talent for mothering/mentoring to volunteer with a youth organization like the Girl Scouts, Boys and Girls Clubs, mentoring an elementary student, helping out with kids at a battered women's shelter etc. You might even invite your D to join you if she wishes. It could be a fun activity to do together. </p>

<p>Don't let all of your extra energy and caring go unused. There are kids who could benefit, and you'd enjoy helping them.</p>

<p>Oh, momsdream, don't feel deflated for long--she's seven and the doing is what matters now. My son wanted to be a computer tech when he was twelve and acquiring his own clients here in town. He soon realized that theory and control were more fun and would take him farther, and he said the magic words 'After I get my Ph.D." two years ago now. I just rolled my eyes heavenward and said, "You can take me now..."</p>

<p>Things change.</p>

<p>Thanks everyone. You've helped to put things in perspective.</p>

<p>Just something to consider, maybe I am all wrong.</p>

<p>Your post about older D was purely positive, while remarks about younger D were mixed. As a father of four, I understand that, but at the same time I try to ask myself if I am being overly negative about any given child because they seem to fall short in comparison with other kid(s) in certain area(s). I sometimes have to remind myself that I should be positive about all of our kids.</p>

<p>It might be worthwhile to consider if you are coming across as too negative to younger D. Any teenage is likely to clam up if they perceive adults viewing them, in a negative manner. If you think this may be an issue, then maybe try making your goal to simply listen and only listen whenever that is at all possible.</p>

<p>Like I said, I could be all wrong.</p>

<p>no. 1 left the house for college and no. 2 was the only one left at the dinner table to take the nauseating questions of "how was school today," "what was the highlights and lowlights," "did you have any tests," etc. etc. man did she miss her brother. </p>

<p>we learned to avoid the 20 questions even though we wanted to ask, so the wifey and i decided we would speak to each other at the table as much as speaking to her. we'd find it was more comfortable to her and lo and behold she would chime in with queries of her own. we would talk about a neighbor and she would comment. we would talk about a car repair and she would say something about her car. </p>

<p>in other words, it was best for us to take the interrogation spotlight out of her eyes. </p>

<p>if you are a single mom, and it's just the two of you at the table, well, sometimes I would just say let things be deathly silent. don't feel like you have to stir conversation the second it becomes quiet, especially forced "yes or no" questions because YOU WILL get a yes or no one-word answer. put on some nice music during dinner to add some background. talk about the things that bothered you that day rather than ask her questions, almost like you are talking to yourself. </p>

<p>kids will come around. they know their parents love them. be yourself as long as you aren't smothering, suffocating, or being a best friend. if you think she's lazy and not reaching her potential, say it once and move on. she'll hear it. don't remind her over and over, or act like you are waiting to pounce on the "i told you so." my kids may not agree with all my parental philosophies but they sure as heck know where i stand, good or bad.</p>

<p>and as others said, find your own distractions and interests just so you won't dwell 24/7 on your last nester.</p>

<p>So many insightful comments. I appreciate all of them.<br>
ADad, I think you made me see something that I didn't realize I may have been doing.
norweejunwood - your dinner suggestions are right on target. My husband and I will learn to become sparkling conversationalists again- like we were before children!!!
I think that some of my issues with D are actually that I see some traits that I have that I'm not so happy about. I will have to keep reciting.. It's not my life, It's not my life....</p>

<p>Thanks again!</p>