<p>Hi CC parents. Ive been a lurker for a while and I finally decided to post this to get other parents thoughts on this. Im a divorced mom, raising 2 DDs one 11th grader and one 9th grader. </p>
<p>My xh lives in a different part of the country and he works at a small university where he gets a tuition remission benefit. Theres a small consortium of schools (15) that participate in the tuition exchange program, but no school is required to accept the tuition benefit from another school, unless that school accepts one of their students. Generally, 0-2 students per year at each school are awarded the tuition benefit on a competitive basis. The benefit covers tuition but not for study abroad (which DD really wants.)</p>
<p>None of these schools are a great match for DD. She is adamant that she doesnt want to attend the school where xh teaches, and even he agrees that it is not a good choice for her, but he wants her to go to one of the other schools in the consortium. Most of them are far from home and DD doesnt want to go. There are probably 2 of them that are academic fits (not great fits, but decent) but neither of them has her sport and she wants to play D3, or at least club sports. (Shes one of those kids who cant seem to function if she isnt playing sports.) One school has a club team for her sport, but DD hated the school when we visited. One other school has a D3 team but academically its not a good fit and DDs guidance counselor (who knows DD very well) feels strongly that it would be a bad school for her both socially and academically. DD really wants to attend a small LAC, which I agree would be the best environment for her.</p>
<p>Frankly I dont even know if DD will be eligible for the tuition benefit, since she is not xhs legal dependent which is an eligibility requirement. </p>
<p>Financially it will be difficult for me to pay for another college, but if xh pays his share (1/3) and DD gets either some merit or FA, I can make it work. The problem is, xh will not likely pay his share for another school, even though theres no guarantee on the tuition remission.</p>
<p>Do I tell DD that she must plan on going to one of the consortium schools if eligible? Is it unreasonable and stupid to forego the possible tuition remission?</p>
<p>Don’t get ahead of yourself.</p>
<p>First of all, what does your divorce agreement say about your H and college? </p>
<p>Second, you need to run your income through the various aid calculators (and clarify whether your H is considered a non-custodial parent for the purpose of aid or not). That will give you some sense of what kind of dollars you are looking at for need based aid. If your H has paid child support it will be difficult to claim that his income should not be counted when it comes time to figure out institutional aid-- so in essence, colleges will include his capacity to pay (whether he will or not is a different issue) in calculating financial aid for your D.</p>
<p>I think you need to get a little spreadsheet together with some facts before you and D have a battle royale with her father. It sounds like you are brewing for a fight well in advance- you don’t know what kind of aid you qualify for at random LAC-- so to bring up the subject of the schools your D may or may not get tuition remission from right now seems premature.</p>
<p>Thanks blossom,</p>
<p>Basically, the divorce agreement says that he will pay 1/3, but there is other language that will complicate that, and he will likely refuse to pay more than 1/3 of what he would have to pay w/ the tuition remission. It’s likely that he will refuse and then I’ll have to decide whether to go to court (obviously I’d rather not.)</p>
<p>But really, I didn’t post this to talk about his obligations/ responsibilities etc. I’m really trying to decide (from my end) whether or not to limit (or strongly encourage) DD to think only about the consortium schools. It’s similar in many ways to a parent telling a child they will only assist with an in-state public (but of course, there’s an added emotional layer here for DD.)</p>
<p>As for costs, I’ve researched quite a bit and run all the NPCs, etc. Projected costs will vary widely, depending on if the school is a fafsa-only school or one that uses the CSS Profile. For Profile schools that consider non-custodial parent income, I can only guess as to what (if any) financial aid DD might receive. The NPCs don’t work in those situations.
It will, in almost all cases (including our in-state public) cost me significantly more if there’s no tuition remission.</p>
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<p>It seems this boils down to a really simple question…can you afford to send to a college outside of the ones that offer the tuition remission? If you cannot, then she’ll have to limit her selection to the choices you can afford, which is really no different than what the vast majority of high school students must do.</p>
<p>Take the emotion out of it. Forget what the x wants or doesn’t want. Set aside the study abroad question, which, frankly, a lot of kids want to do but it’s not affordable for their families. </p>
<p>Can you afford for her to attend a college other than the tuition remission ones? If the answer is yes, then tell her your budget and let her decide where to apply. If you cannot, then she needs to accept the financial reality of the situation and make the best of it.</p>
<p>Agree. Let her be an active partner in this. State, here is what you will receive from us for college. Here are these 15 schools that may give you the aid. In addition, if you find a different school that you can afford based on these numbers, you will have more options. Get involved in finding schools that give merit aid for her stats, encourage her to obtain high SAT/ACT scores for better chance of automerit schools and apply outside of her comfort zone (geographically, women’s schools, etc) for more aid. </p>
<p>I would also get your X to get on the ball and do a little work to uncover all the requirements for tuition benefit. It is possible the schools that meet her needs may need a second look and with a little planning may look better the second time around. For instance an overnight with a current player of her favorite sport, or special time talking to the professor in her intended major can open her eyes to a previously bad fit school.</p>
<p>Pug beat me to the punch.</p>
<p>Take out the complicating factors here- emotions run high and can cloud your judgement. Boil it down to the simple question, “What can I afford” and then look at what those options are. Your D will have time to travel later in life if she can’t afford to do it while in college- she can teach English in China for a year after she graduates, she can join the Peace Corps. Her life isn’t going to stop once she graduates. So I would not let the study abroad piece muddy the waters.</p>
<p>Figure out what you can afford. Your ex needs to head over to his benefits department to clarify the issue over whether your D even qualifies for tuition remission and if so, what hoops you need to jump through. This is not a commitment on your part- you all just need the facts on the table. If his benefits person tells him that because D doesn’t live with him, she’s not getting the benefit anyway- well, you still need to find a college you guys can afford, right?</p>
<p>Your D may decide she’d rather live at home or close to home and commute to “sub optimal college A” but be able to play her sport. Or go to “sub optimal college B”, no sport, but not have to take out loans. Or apply for an ROTC scholarship, or do two years at Community College and then transfer to desired LAC for the last two years.</p>
<p>But clarify how much money is available upfront.</p>
<p>Have a good talk with DD about the reality of fiances. Let her look at other schools, find schools she likes with the understanding that she has to apply to the consortium schools (however many-1 or 2) and in the end it will come down to what you can afford to pay-which really isn’t any different than how anyone else here has to decide which schools to attend. The chances of her getting aid from the consortium schools is slim to none so your ex will have to pay what he has to pay. You never really know until all the paperwork is done how much any of these schools will cost and the consortium schools could very well end up being more expensive.</p>
<p>re: the language in your divorce decree having your xh pay 1/3 of the college costs…</p>
<p>what is the situation if your daughter does not qualify for the tuition for remission?
would your xh still be required to pay some of the college expenses…and could he do so?</p>
<p>Obviously your daughter would still have financial constraints, and would need to seek both merit aid and FA…but this might open up the possible circle of choices a bit.</p>
<p>Why can’t you have your D apply to several schools, including the tuition remission ones, and then if the discount doesn’t come, your Ex will accept that, right? </p>
<p>I would talk to the Ex and say that D will apply to those schools AND other schools, but if the remission thing doesn’t work out, then he has to accept that and do his part. What could he say to that?</p>
<p>Since it sounds like there is only a tiny chance that your D would get the discount, then what’s to fear…apply and expect not to get it.</p>
<p>Also…find some schools that will work that offer big merit. At least as much as the tuition discount…so that removes that pressure. After all, if other schools will also give D free tuition, then it’s fine to ignore the Ex’s discount… </p>
<p>What are D’s stats? What is her sport?</p>
<p>Here was what we told our d, and as others have suggested, it’s a pretty emotionless statement: Here is what we will pay. Here are colleges we can fund at 100% (tuition exchange schools). You do not have to attend one, but understand that the amount of debt you assume is up to you. </p>
<p>D, who was adament about not attending a local school where (gasp!) her mom worked, is now quite happy here, without any nudging from mom. In the end, she had to admit that it had the programs she wanted and the price was right (she’s very debt averse). </p>
<p>Tell your D what you can pay for. She may look at the numbers herself and figure out it’s to her advantage to go for the best deal. “Dream schools” are really only for people with more money than most of us have. And after school, many kids can only “dream” of not having debt. </p>
<p>Be honest about sports. Sports are nice, but is she good enough for the college team? Even though there are no athletic scholarships at DIII, you will find the majority (although not all) of the athletes were recruited. Sports are nice, but college sports are rough and rarely what high school athletes expect. I see kids dropping like flies after the first season because it is so hard to keep up - and these kids do have scholarship money. Make sure that the school decision isn’t sports driven. She needs to like the school well enough to be content if sports don’t work out due to injury or a change of heart.</p>
<p>Do cast a wide net. Since tuition exchange isn’t guaranteed (d got it at one school, but not another), she needs options. And at least a couple of those need to be schools you can pay for if denied exchange. Do pursue some exchange schools. Out of 15 NONE are going to work for her? Bloom where you’re planted. If the alternative is no college or local cc, suddenly, those exchange schools might start looking better. Ask ex-h what his contribution plans are should she be denied tuition exchange.</p>
<p>You are focusing only on one aspect of the college choice and already assuming that your DD is going to get accepted to a school with the tuition discount. Her dad should make sure she is eligible and get everything set up so that she can apply for this benefit. If she get it, it will be one of her affordable choices. If she does not get it, and I know a lot of kids in this situation who do not get a spot under this program, then she should have other choices. Hopefully her father will understand that the benefit is only good if she can get a spot. And she has to understand that her father wants his contribution to college to be in that form.</p>
<p>The complicated thing about all of this is that other colleges are not going to give a fig about what your divorce agreement says Dad will pay. So in looking at other colleges to be on her list, you are going to have to understand that at most PROFILE school, dad is going to be assessed just like any other NCP. They are not going to compute what the agreement says he has to pay, or what he says he’ll pay nor will they care if he refuses to pay altogether. So you need to have a list of schools that are affordable for what Dad will pay and you can afford to pay. You also need to have a list of school in case Dad refuses to pay anything, so will be based on what you can afford to pay. There should be safeties in there where you know she can be accepted. </p>
<p>If you want to take some chances on getting merit awards at a school, get some of those on the list too. Talk to your ex and try to get some sort of commitment on what he will pay under different scenarios. Run numbers through the calculators to see what kind of financial aid might be in the picture for certain schools.</p>
<p>It “grow up” time for our kids when we start looking at colleges. Most of the stuff they want, we can manage to get for them, and a lot of them get mighty comfortable with that. For many kids, college is the first real “no” they have gotten for something good for them, that they want, that they feel they have earned. It’s a brutal slap in the face, especially when the “no” comes from the parents. I know a strong, wonderful young woman who still hurts when she thinks about her college years that did not turn out as she had hoped when her well heeled father turned into a real heel and refused to pay what he could afford, or anything, for that matter when he found out he did not have to do so. He continues to play Santa Claus, but just could not commit to the big dollar commitment that college is. Just couldn’t do it. Happens all of the time.</p>
<p>I don’t see why she has to go to one of the consortium school, you just have to find schools that are affordable. Ideally your daughter should have a pleasant conversation with her Dad about what she’s looking for in a college and ask him directly what dollar amount he is able and willing to contribute. If he says to her, I’ll only cover a consortium school to her, at least you’ll know where you stand. But of course, someone should find out if she’s actually eligible, and let the ex know if she’s not.</p>