<p>Help - my daughter as done excellent in high school and was admitted to some awesome schools. She has a full tuition scholarship to University of Richmond, but was also accepted at Vanderbilt and Duke (to name her favs). As parents, we are stressed with affording a second daughter in private college and would love for her to take the full ride. However, she really feels her reward for working so hard would obviously be to go to the college of her choice, and that would be Vandy or Duke. We have financial aid to Vandy and Duke which will go away after eldest daughter finishes college next yr. How can we tell 2nd daughter she has to take the full ride and go somewhere she's not so excited about when we paid for 1st daughter to go where she wants?! Do we just lay down the law and say go to the free school like it or not and chance she is unhappy. Or let her go to a higher caliber school where she thinks she'll be happier and have her accept responsibility for the debt. Would Duke or Vandy really be a better education than Univ. of Richmond? Wish I could see into the future! So stressed I can't think beyond this bubble and a decision needs to be made this week!</p>
<p>not saying its right or wrong…just what we did… our oldest son got to go to the school of his choice…S2 same scenario as your D…wanted different school, wanted out of state, had full ride instate. But he also wants grad school or med school (S1 didnt)…it is also 8 years later… finances are different, H is now 67 and we still have another one to go…kept trying to figure out how to make the one he wanted work…but eventually just had to say it wont work ( due to H’s age and self employment…if anything happened to H that debt would all be son’s…undergrad and med school) and i couldnt agree to that burden.
He begrudgingly (angrily) went to the full ride school and guess what…loves it…sure there are things he doesnt like but he has had really wonderful opportunities, loves his professors, made dean’s list with a 4.0. And now at the end of his freshman year would say it was the correct choice </p>
<p>She could just as easily love URichmond if she gives it a chance. Some may say she shouldnt have applied to Richmond if she didnt like it…but having been there…that safety that they liked can suddenly be despised when they dont get the one they want. </p>
<p>If you “lay down the law” expect her to be angry, hurt, upset…then give it some time…dont try to justify the reason or the school anymore…just wait…as it gets closer to move in…then you can ramp up the excitement with dorm shopping etc…expect a few steps forward and a few steps backward along the way.</p>
<p>ETA; having seen the follow up posts to mine should add…the cost of S1 school total was about what S2 would cost for 1 1/2 years. ie total out of pocket was 50K for s1 and would have been 120 K for S2 to go to his 1st choice) S2 is also our 5th one to put through</p>
<p>good luck!</p>
<p>Did D1 get merit money?
If not, and you paid for her choice, I can’t see how you can tell D2 something else.
Unless, of course, you have had an upheaval of your financial situation.</p>
<p>Take from a 48 year old whose parents blew most of their college funds on their oldest (at an OOS school where he mostly partied/skied his 4 years away), and I ended up having to attend the state flagship mostly because there was no money for another choice by the time it was my turn. And I had the higher SAT scores and better grades (by miles), too. Your younger D could resent this for the rest of her life. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but there it is.</p>
<p>I would look at this and approach her a little differently than presented above: just a thought:</p>
<p>If D1 has four years paid for in full and isn’t planning on grad school, and if D2 IS planning on grad school, you can tell her that whatever $$ saved on undergrad can be saved for grad…</p>
<p>otherwise, unless your financial situation has changed drastically, not sure, as intparent says, how you can possibly tell her that because she was born later, she can’t be at one of her first choices…?</p>
<p>guess other questions you have to put into the scenario… are you secure in your retirement funds? can you actually pay for the school she wants? what total debt would you have to borrow to do it? is that a number you are comfortable with? If you can do it then as others have said you may have a hard time justifying it to her. If you cant…you cant! I showed my son the numbers (and reminded him of the financial discussions we had all along during the app process…his numbers didnt work)</p>
<p>Although I realize that Vanderbilt is somewhat more selective, URichmond and Vanderbilt seem like much of a muchness. Possibly Duke is worth the extra money; it depends on your financial situation and your daughter’s academic plans.</p>
<p>I don’t think the “educational quality” at Duke is worth the extra money. There are other things that might have more significant difference, but not the educational quality.</p>
<p>You didn’t say whether you could “afford” it. If you can’t afford it, it’s a non-issue. How much debt would she have to carry?</p>
<p>Put it another way: if you said to your d. “You can go to Richmond, and in addition, I’ll give you $120k to use on anything to do with education over the next decade, or you can go to Duke, do you think she’d choose Duke?” (I know I wouldn’t.)</p>
<p>How much debt? Sit down with D2 and run the numbers. There are good calculators at [FinAid</a>! Financial Aid, College Scholarships and Student Loans](<a href=“http://www.finaid.org%5DFinAid”>http://www.finaid.org) To compare different financial aid packages, use this one: [FinAid</a> | Calculators | Award Letter Comparison Tool](<a href=“Your Guide for College Financial Aid - Finaid”>Award Letter Requirements - Finaid) Talk with her about just exactly how long it will take her to dig herself out of that debt. You may want to have her read through some of the personal stories at [Project</a> on Student Debt: Home](<a href=“http://www.projectonstudentdebt.org%5DProject”>http://www.projectonstudentdebt.org)</p>
<p>Unfortunately, lots of parents find out that the second kid can’t have the same expensive education as the first because times change or jobs change or the money just runs out. cptofthehouse who often posts in the financial aid forum has written about the repercussions that sending Child1 to an expensive dream school has had on the college choices of their family’s younger children. It isn’t a matter of “being equal”, it is a matter of keeping your family budget in line with reality. </p>
<p>Is D1’s school as expensive as Duke? If so, you may have a hard time convincing D2 that she is not going to be able to get what her sister did. But if her argument for spending this kind of money is based solely on the fact that she should get to go to her “first choice” just because big sis did, that is a whole different story. Especially if you gave both of them budgets to work within.</p>
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<p>The fairness issue is always a tough one.</p>
<p>The hard economic truth is that circumstances change. We, as adults, look at the future from the lens of the past five or ten years and expectations of the economy were quite different when you were deciding on colleges with your first daughter. Things may very well get better in the next few years or they could get far worse.</p>
<p>In retrospect, this should have been explained some time ago (I talk about this to people asking me about college planning for their kids at work) where financial circumstances and possibilities are laid on the table before decisions are made on where to apply but it’s moot for you if this wasn’t done. I have also seen the fights between kids and parents when the parents say no and I’ve also seen compromises that have worked out.</p>
<p>BTW, you could always invite your daughter to discuss this with us here. There are kids that come here to talk about their situation where they don’t want to talk to their parents about it and perhaps they learn about how tough it can be to be a parent and how tough things can be in the real world.</p>
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<p>That’s a tough one. Agree with intparent that it could cause hard feelings for a long time.</p>
<p>My dad’s family sent the oldest boy to college–the next child, a girl, was told that there was no money to send her to nursing school. She was still bitter about it 60 years later.</p>
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<p>It’s a tough situation for a family–do you tell Kid #1 that he can’t go to expensive college A because you couldn’t afford to send Kid #2 to expensive college A also (when you don’t even know if Kid #2 is going to college, much less an expensive college)?</p>
<p>But finances are what they are–you have to do what you need to do and deal with the consequences. Even if D2 went to the college of her choice and took on debt, she would still be unhappy because of he favoritism shown to Kid #1, who didn’t have to take on debt.</p>
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<p>Sounds like my mother - it was something that was done in Chinese families back then.</p>
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<p>At some points kids get exposed to uncertainty. We as parents try to protect them from much of that when they are younger but most parents can’t afford to do that forever.</p>
<p>We are in a similar situation. S1 went to a top Ivy so when S2 wanted to go private we said yes. S3 was recently admitted to 2 wonderful private schools, but fortunately is choosing one of two state schools. We were really sweating it for awhile, because of the fairness factor. We were going to risk our retirement for him if need be. In hindsight, perhaps we should have set the limit with the first one, as we are both public servants. But when S1 had the opportunity to go to Harvard, we felt we could not say no. For what it’s worth.</p>
<p>I think it depends on a few things… if your 1st D got into college of her choice, then she probably got into less expensive college. Why did you let her go? Did you consider your 2nd D and prepare for her college? If not, then sorry to say but IMO you should have thought about it. </p>
<p>Secondly, what is your reason for not wanting to let your 2nd D go to school of her choice? Do you just not want to pay any more? Are you close to retirement? Did you have a job change? There could be many reasons for you not being able to pay for her education. I will say though that if you just don’t feel like paying because you’re tired of it, it would seem quite unfair.</p>
<p>I was in your 2nd D’s situation… older sis went to private school where she promptly flunked out. Came home and mom paid for tuition to state school. Older brother enlisted in the military. I was accepted to an Ivy League and needed room and board paid. Tuition was covered… mom said she could no longer afford any help and said I had to stay home and attend local state school. She wouldn’t even pay for my books. I felt I had worked my rear off and deserved an opportunity to attend a great school. I was angry and resentful because I felt mom played favorites. I have come to realize that she just made bad choices and really couldn’t afford any help. However, it still hurt… especially at that age.</p>
<p>Because of this, I have made it a point to be “fair” with my two boys. I have about $20K a year I can help them out with. The rest is their responsibility. First S will be attending Stanford this fall and with financial aid, we will need to cover about $15K. He will get a small loan and we will pay the rest. Second S does equally well in school and we are anticipating him getting into some great schools so will help the same amount. </p>
<p>If you made a mistake by spending all your savings on first D, then maybe you should explain that and apologize. I know if my mom would have done that, it would have made it easier to accept. If your finances or situation has changed because of unforeseen circumstances, then you need to sit down and explain this to your D. Hopefully she will understand.</p>