My roommate and I both completed undergrad in three years and went on to graduate school. We never met each other before. A group of my classmates met at a restaurant a few months before classes started and I told them I was looking for a roommate. My parents bought a condo right by where my school is but said that I need a roommate to help out financially. The place is super nice, we furnished everything, she literally just had to bring the stuff for her bedroom.
She’s the oldest in her family and comes from a huge extended family. She lived at home for undergrad and was/is extremely babied. Her family sends home cooked meals back with her whenever she visits so she can freeze them and have them for late so she never has to cook. She grew up in a McMansion so she doesn’t think that this place isn’t so nice. She doesn’t want me to “touch her stuff” yet she’s allowed to touch mine. She shoves her towel so it is always touching mine (oddly on purpose). A few months ago she even had the audacity to suggest that I don’t fit in a twin size bed because I’m too fat, which is definitely not true. The “fat shaming” comments have stopped luckily. She just feels very entitled here and I definitely do not like it. I understand that I may like things a certain way but she likes things a certain way as well it seems like. We just don’t have personalities that mesh.
She’s from an asian background where her family lives in a huge house in a sort of remote, more rural town. I’m from a smaller house where my parents taught me to be self sufficient and to never fat shame anyone. I was taught to respect where you live and to respect the people you live with. I don’t know how to express my feelings to my roommate without sounding like a total b*tch. They seem like little things but all of her passive aggressive comments and actions truly add up. Any advice?
No, you are certainly not the first nor the last person to not get along with your roommate. However, your list of grievances is relatively inconsequential. If we’re going to keep track of every possibly-snarky comment and examples of personalities clashing, no one would ever get along, ever.
Also, whenever I visit home, my parents send me up with meals, too. I kind of take offense to the fact that it bothers you, especially since your parents BOUGHT YOU A CONDO.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you feel like it is YOUR condo (which technically, it is) and that she is feeling too much at home in it.
Talking about these things can be hard, especially when there’s a backlog of grievances. IF you can think of this as a learning challenge, you could try the following:
Think first about what you DO like about her.
Think carefully about what is REALLY bothering you -- do you feel disrespected? Like you'd be friends and disappointed that you're not? Lonely and jealous that she is doing things and not including you?
When you’ve got yourself together on this (and it could help to talk to a really calm, mature friend), make a plan to talk to her (with the goal of making it better.) You can tell her what you like about her and living with her, and what’s really bugging you and why. It’ll help if you use “I” statements. (Not “you’re a slob because you always throw your towel on the ground” but “I feel like you’re looking down on me because xyx and it’s really hurtful.” If there are one or two things that you could reasonably ask, do it, but be prepared to do a few things for her too.
Even when you have the BEST roommate, it can be tough. Good luck.
The parents may not have bought the OP a condo, but are trying to reduce the amount of money they spend on OPs housing…By a condo, have child live in it, and if real estate increases in value, then you may make a profit (or not lose too much).
Have a talk about apartment rules (e.g., touching stuff)…If your parents supplied a sofa, is she allowed to touch that? What is “yours” vs. supplied by the landlord (your parents).
@rebeccar there’s a big difference between not being able to pay for your own condo and not being able to cook your own food…affording your own condo is virtually impossible for a college student to do and cooking food is a basic task. I’m not trying to attack you or anything about getting meals from home, but OP suggests that her roommate is almost completely dependent on sources for food that aren’t herself.
@mntEden Obviously, but the point is, why does it matter? Does it make her roommate a worse person somehow? I have no idea why it’s problematic that she gets food from her parents. Is the issue that OP expects the roommate to be “self-sufficient” like herself? I don’t see how it affects her at all, where the roommate gets her meals. My point was that both of them are getting help from their parents in some way. Read the OP again and tell me, what is the actual problem? Like gardenstategal said, it seems like a hodgepodge list of complaints with no clear point about WHAT is bothering her. Also, there’s plenty of college students who pay for their own housing.
OP, don’t mean to offend, but it sounds like you really did not want a roommate and are trying to find excuses, but are stuck, financially, and don’t have a choice.
You are not supposed to be “friends”; you are both living there and that’s all it should be.
Is she destroying the condo?
Is she a slob?
Is she wearing your clothes?
Is she bringing in animals?
Does she have boyfriends over there night and day? (see previous question)
Is she doing drugs or drinking?
Is she involved in illegal activities?
Put it in perspective. It could be a lot worse than just a clash of personalities. My dd’s had to deal with some or all of the above.
She is paying YOU for the privilege to live there. Who effin cares where the blank she gets her food???
You don’t like her, plain and simple, because she’s ruining your idea of living alone in your parent’s condo. So, get out of her presence when she’s there. Go grab a latte, take a run, or hide somewhere in the condo. Or, buy her out.
Oh good grief… I’m in my mid-20s, married, own my own house, and my mommy and dad still cook for me on occasion. I love her for it and when she visits, she’ll make meals with a bunch of leftovers so I can eat them for several days after she’s gone. To be honest, I don’t cook so when I don’t have her leftovers, I do takeout.
So what of “your stuff” does she touch? Pretty much by definition anything outside of her room would be “your stuff” so where is the line?
Her towel “touches” yours? Ok, so hang your towel in your room. Seems simple enough.
You’re still upset about a comment from several months ago? Time to move on.
Look, I’ve lived with roommates before that I just do not mesh with and I’ve lived with others who I couldn’t live with anymore because it was putting my safety in jeopardy. I had one that I literally couldn’t be in the same place alone with because he got under my skin so much. So, I just left when it was me and him alone (there were 4 of us that lived there) and waited out the last few months that we were together. I’ve had three roommates who have lived in my house- 2 I was friends with before and one who moved in because he was dating one of my best friends- that I’ve either had to kick out or who have left. One, I kicked out because the cops raided my house (turns out he was dealing drugs). Another I kicked out because his escalating alcoholism was putting people in my house in danger. Another left because I told him he couldn’t grow weed in my basement. (I took all 3 in because they needed a place to stay and I’m a sucker… and I paid for it.)
Unless she is being destructive or doing the things in aunt bea’s list, I think you’re upset over pretty little things. Is she under contract or anything for the place? If not, then maybe you should tell her that at the end of the school year, you’d like her to move out.