Are my parents being unreasonable?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I don't get along with/like my parents at all, especially since 3-4 years ago when they found out that I don't share their (fundamentalist) religious or political views. I know that it's hard for me to complain since they provide for me and do love me, but they don't ever hesitate to start arguments about my beliefs and it honestly makes it very hard for me to want to live with them since they so obstinately hold on to malicious opinions and are hostile towards my views. However, once again, they do keep food on the table and love me, so I am trying my hardest to get through this final year of high school living with them, no matter how angry they make me. Today, however, they gave me another reason to dislike them. </p>

<p>Ever since I was little, my parents have been drinking the "US News and World Report" kool-aid, taking me to visit colleges such as Duke, MIT, Stanford, and CalTech, and constantly bringing Ivy Leagues/top tier schools into conversation with me, as if it was their expectation that I would eventually go to one of them. I've worked extremely hard to reach this goal throughout high school, and now that I'm a senior, I'm finally in the process of applying. On my college list I have several stretches (UChicago, Brown, Penn, Stanford, and Cornell), several matches (Berkeley, UCLA, UVa, Michigan, UNC), and one safety (Northeastern, I'm national merit so I would go here for a reduced price). </p>

<p>I have worked this entire weekend on applications, and my parents decided to tell me today that they didn't actually intend to pay for me to go to any school costing 40,000+. I completely understand that these schools - especially my stretches - cost an unbelievable amount of money, so I left the conversation feeling okay (albeit a bit sad) and agreeing with them that I would skip applying to the expensive schools (so basically everything on my list except Northeastern, and the UC schools, which I'm in-state for) </p>

<p>However, the more that I think about what they were saying, the more angry I am getting. I could completely understand if they simply could not afford to pay, or if they are extremely frugal people. Neither of these are the case, however. I've seen my dad purchase two unnecessarily expensive luxury cars that could each pay for an entire year at a $65,000 school. We recently moved and the house that my parents bought could have paid for SIX kids to get degrees (4 years) at a $65,000 per year school. I have no doubt that they could have bought a wonderful house for half (or even less) of the price, but it's almost like they WANTED to buy as expensive of a house as possible. Even now that they have spent all this money on the house, they aren't hesitating to spend even more money on fancy granite, new floors, carpets, cabinets, painting every room, etc, when the house looked perfectly fine to start with. </p>

<p>And even with all of this, I wouldn't be mad at them if it weren't for one thing: They have been force feeding me the Ivy (and other top school) name since I was in elementary school. And after I spend years working hard in school and researching and getting excited about the possibility that I might go to one of these schools, they decide that they were just kidding? That all of those college tours were just a big joke to get my hopes up because they don't actually want to spend any more than the minimum on my college education?</p>

<p>At the same time, I feel selfish. The fact that they are willing to pay for my college education at all is something that I am incredibly thankful for, since I know lots of other kids don't have that guarantee. My dad does work unbelievably hard, and I guess he deserves to be able to spend as much money as he wants on a nice car or house, and I guess he can also choose to not spend extra money for me to go to an OOS public (Virginia, UNC, Michigan) or a private (any of my stretches) when I can get into Berkeley, UCLA, UCI, etc, (at a lower, in-state price) and also get a great education. And in complete honesty, I have no idea if I was going to get into my reach schools anyway. Even if I did get in, I don't know whether or not I would have actually chosen to attend. But I at least wanted the chance to try, to have that hope that I could possibly to get in, and if I did, to get to make my own decision. </p>

<p>I want to know from a parent's perspective - do you think my parents are right for not letting me apply/go to these schools when they can definitely afford it and have always led me to believe that they would pay?</p>

2

<p>I can understand your frustration, but look at it from their perspective: perhaps all that time that they were keeping up with the USNWR college ratings, they were not paying attention to the tuition increases. So it may have come as a shock to them that Dream College X now costs upwards of $60k/year!</p>

<p>Or they may be spiteful, and getting back at you for your religious beliefs, or they may just be selfish. In the end, though, it doesn’t matter. Confronted with this setback, it’s now up to you to make the best of the situation. If I were you, I’d . . .</p>

<p>(1) Get yourself over to the financial aid forum and look at the [automatic</a> merit](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1348012-automatic-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships-8.html#post16451378]automatic”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1348012-automatic-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships-8.html#post16451378) and [competitive</a> merit](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1461983-competitive-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships.html]competitive”>Competitive Full Tuition / Full Ride Scholarships - Financial Aid and Scholarships - College Confidential Forums) schools listed there (and do it quickly - some have Dec. 1 deadlines!); and</p>

<p>(2) take a look at the very long list of schools other than Northeastern where your NMF status will get you either free tuition or a full free ride. There are several excellent deals out there for NMF’s!</p>

<p>I’d also suggest keeping at least one of your unaffordable reach schools on your list. You never know . . . they might change their minds once that letter of admission is actually in your hands.</p>

<p>But, in the meantime, do your best to find alternatives . . . and to keep the peace at home. They know how to bait you into arguments. All you have to do is decide not to play along.</p>

3

<p>If your stats are truly Ivy league stats (not just SAT, but also GPA and ECs), there are many schools where you could end up with decent merit aid - some guaranteed and some competitive. </p>

<p>I’m not sure about deadlines, but check out U Miami, Wake Forest, Pittsburgh, U Rochester, WUSTL, Emory, Vanderbilt and probably oodles of others not coming to me first thing in the morning. They are all good schools where you will both get a good education and can be proud of saying you went there. The bonus? If you go to a school very inexpensively (or perhaps for free), you won’t feel as dependent upon your parents. ;)</p>

<p>It’s entirely possible that all of their spending coupled with a fresh look at how much college costs today makes it all too expensive for them at the moment.</p>

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<p>Not a parent. But I’d kill to get into Berkeley for in state tuition</p>

5

<p>Is it perhaps that they weren’t aware that Ivies don’t offer merit money?</p>

6

<p>It doesn’t matter whether your parents are being unreasonable. It’s their money and they don’t have to pay for a lot of things that they don’t want to pay. College for you, being one of them. You will soon be 18 and crossing that line into adulthood means that it’s all up to you. But a catch is that college still make your parents’ financials important, crucial in terms of aid you get. </p>

<p>It’s a rude awakening for many kids who were nicely indulged during their childhoods to find that their parents are done paying for them at age 18 or whatever age. Some just get tired of doing this and the kid did not turn out as they had expected and they don’t want to support that direction. It’s their decision that they are permitted to make. As an adult, your parents no longer have control over you legally, but they don’t have to have you in the house, pay for anything of yours, feed you or any of those things either. It’s up and out, if you aren’t what we wanted. Yes, I’ve seen a lot of that. </p>

<p>Others here have come up with a lot of reasons as to why they may feel this way. Many parents truly believed that if their kids worked hard in school, got good grades and test scores, college would be paid with scholarships. The reality is that such scholarships, especially to name school are very difficult to get and the most selective school, like those you mention, often give zero scholarships, just financial aid. And your parents may not feel like giving up their savings, cutting back on life style, borrowing money to pay these steep costs. It’s their right to make that decision.</p>

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<p>Your parents are NOT being unreasonable. They have shared their bottom line financial help for college with you. You are very fortunate to be living in a state with a large number of terrific college choices.</p>

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<p>Your parents are not being unreasonable. Financing an investment asset such as a house is not the same as financing a degree, which has no value to anyone except the person holding it. Also, many parents are surprised when they find out how much college costs have increased. </p>

<p>If your parents are willing to pay up to 40K per year for college, you are fortunate. If you are NMS, you ought to be eligible for merit at a lot of places as well. Your parents are not significantly disadvantaging you and your anger in this regard is misplaced, IMHO. At least they are telling you now, and not after you’ve applied and been accepted.</p>

9

<p>If they are not willing to pay more than $40K, you can always still apply and, if you get in, take on loans for the extra $15K/year. I normally don’t suggest loans but in this case, it is a possibility I suppose. It would be your responsibility to pay them back, with interest. That might be possible.</p>

<p>Ivy League schools have financial aid for families making up to $180K, at least, that was the case a couple of years ago. Don’t know if that applies. </p>

<p>I agree it is too bad that your parents talked these schools up. They should have checked out the financial end of things and kept their talk about college within the financial range they are willing to go. But there is nothing you can do about that now. It would be nice if they apologized in some way, but you certainly don’t want to jeopardize that they are willing to pay over what they are not willing to pay.</p>

<p>Berkeley is an amazing and very selective school. Did they talk that up at all? Whether they did or didn’t, you have a wonderful option there if you are admitted.</p>

<p>You may want to apply to Ivies or whatever schools you got fixed on, anyway, and keep all your options open. I am not one who focuses on prestigious schools, but it may help your level of frustration to apply and see what happens.</p>

<p>If you do get in, perhaps your parents will change their minds. But at this point, don’t be demanding. When the time comes, tell them you got in but you understand they cannot pay, and leave it to them to decide. It accomplishes nothing to be angry; you have many issues going on with them and if this continues to bother you, along with the religion problem and whatever else is going on, it might help to seek counseling.</p>

<p>Focus on the positive: you have some great years ahead of you and this issue will fade over time, especially once you are on a campus that you are able to go (hopefully without loans, but with loans if you so choose).</p>

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<p>OACLJV, it does seem a bit unfair to me that your parents would take you on the Ivy college tours and then say you cannot apply. They should have thought this through before taking you down that road. Having said that, I have to agree with the other posters who say it is their money and they choose how to allocate those resources. I would not do this to my own child, so I feel your frustration.</p>

<p>$40,000 towards tuition puts a pretty good dent in the tuition bill. If you honestly feel you have a good chance at some of the schools you really want to attend, can you make up the difference with loans? Perhaps your parents will co-sign with the understanding that it is your obligation?</p>

11

<p>Sounds like the old bait and switch to me. I am sorry you are frustrated. Most likely your parents are partially selfish, not wanting to give up the lifestyle, partially clueless, not understanding now expensive top colleges are, and maybe partially afraid to let you go. </p>

<p>But it is their money and so they can say no and set dollar limits to what they will pay. </p>

<p>Other thoughts:</p>

<p>Apply anyway and see what happens. This could be a non issue of you don’t get in, or your parents could be so excited if you do get in that they find the money. But be ready for rejection</p>

<p>As noted above, apply to places that are generous with merit aid, places that might not be on your radar now, like Emory or Rice.</p>

<p>How about ROTC? in the old days, during peacetime, it was popular. Not so much now, it seems. </p>

<p>In general switch your focus to places you can pay for. It sounds like you and your folks are having what is a normal period of being at odds with each other. If you let them pay for college, they will continue to have control over you. Do you want that? If they aren’t paying for college because you have loans and scholarships and are working, you will be your own man.</p>

<p>I was in your shoes many years ago. Top student, always told I could go wherever I wanted. I made no secret of what I aspired to. Then when I got into all those fancy, expensive places, my parents freaked out. They didn’t realize I could really do it, and they didn’t realize how expensive these places were. There was also a element of not wanting to lose control. I pieced together a bunch of one time scholarships my first year which eased the transition, and then my folks paid for the other years. But I did live under their control for the next few years, and I worked a number of jobs to pay for extras, including travel. It was worth it, but after that I made sure they didn’t pay for anything else I did.</p>

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<p>Chiming in here. It probably does seem “unfair” to you because they (and you) obviously live a very comfortable life BUT it’s their money. Like many other parents, they may not have known how expensive college is. They probably thought that college would cost less than $200,000 - not an unreasonable expectation, if you ask me. It’s a horrid shock to discover the actual expense; understand that if THIS year’s total college expenses costs $60,000, it’s very possible by your senior year college costs will be over $70,000.</p>

<p>You’re lucky in many ways. They told you BEFORE you applied and got accepted. This doesn’t happen in many cases. You should be grateful they imposed these limits now. You also live in a state with excellent universities - both Berkeley and UCLA are public Ivies - the very few flagship universities recognized around the country for their academic excellence. Many students outside California WANT to go to these schools (along with the other UCs) and they can’t.</p>

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<p>OACJLV,
If you have the stats to truly consider Northeastern your safety school and you are sure of admission, it looks like you will not only get the $30K award (very sweet!) but also will be considered for other awards. Its unfortunate when parents change their tune about paying for college, but at least they told you now what their limits are, rather than after the application deadlines have passed.</p>

<p>** crossposted with slackermom</p>

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<p>Right now they are saying that their limit is $40,000. However, you don’t know if they will actually be able to pay that each year unless $160,000 is in a 529 account that only has your name on it.</p>

<p>Sit down with them again. Work through the figures at each of the places on your list. Get a sense of how shaky their finances actually are (big house? big cars? could mean really big debt that would be unsustainable if one or the other were to lose the big job that currently is paying for that stuff). If you have any notion at all that the money could fail to appear because of a financial downturn in their lives, or because they get miffed at your liberal politics, find yourself a nice cozy full-ride from the list in the Financial Aid Forum. </p>

<p>And read this thread to learn what can happen if you do choose the cheap place: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/905843-top-student-3rd-tier-school-four-years-later.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/905843-top-student-3rd-tier-school-four-years-later.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>“when I can get into Berkeley, UCLA”
These days, just because you have top stats and grades does NOT mean that you WILL get into Berkeley or UCLA.
You need to apply to many more UC’s in order to have a likely affordable instate option .
Having only 1 safety is insane. </p>

<p>I strongly suggest both you and your parents read this thread </p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/47867-were-picking-up-pieces-but-what-went-wrong.html?highlight=picking+up+the+pieces[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/47867-were-picking-up-pieces-but-what-went-wrong.html?highlight=picking+up+the+pieces&lt;/a&gt;
about another top student who had no idea, in 2004, how competitive college admissions had become.
It is far worse today.
I also suggest that you also apply to USC before their DEC 1 scholarship deadline, especially since you are applying to UCLA. As a NMF, you do have a higher chance of acceptance there, and USC offers 1/2 Tuition scholarships to accepted NMF’s. USC also offers 140+ full tuition scholarships- which are as hard to get as a fat envelope from the most selective U’s, but to be offered one of those you have to complete your application before Dec 1 and be invited to interview. For top-top students, its well worth the effort.</p>

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<p>Because of your strained relationship, you need to find a full ride merit scholarship in which you don’t even need FAFSA for you to get it. It will be helpful in the spring if your parents decide they won’t pay anything due to your opinions and beliefs. Good luck.</p>

17

<p>I’m sorry that you had the experience of being encouraged in so many ways to reach for top schools, even taking tours of them, even filling out applications for them, and then suddenly being told that you will not be allowed to go to any of them.</p>

<p>Regardless of why it happened, this news must have been extremely disappointing and painful to hear, and I am so sorry for that pain.</p>

18

<p>I just typed out a long response to this and something went wrong (just updated to Mavericks on my mac, and I didn’t realize that the trackpad could now be used to go back a page) and my whole response got wiped out. </p>

<p>After spending 40 minutes to type a response, I’m not feeling like doing it again right now, but I just want to thank everyone for taking time to read my long post and to respond. I may or may not get around to writing individual responses again, but know that I have read every single one and appreciate the support and advice very much. I’m feeling much better and am going to look into the schools with generous scholarships that were mentioned. I also want to emphasize that Berkeley and UCLA have always been among my top choices and if I do get into those, I will be very excited to attend. The other public schools on my list (Michigan, UNC, UVa) were there for if I didn’t get into UCLA or Berkeley, because I know that admissions is extremely competitive. I’m also going to go ahead and apply to Penn and Brown since I have done all of the essays, sent my SAT scores, etc. If I don’t get in, then I had nothing to worry about to start with. If I do get in, then I’ll have a chance to raise my own money, take loans, change my parents’ minds, etc.</p>

19

<p>With the UCs as instate, I can understand why parents wouldn’t want to pay OOS rates at UMich or other OOS schools. UMich can’t give you anything that a good UC can at $20k+ per year less.</p>

<p>That said, since you are a NMF, look around at the NMF scholarship schools and apply to some (not just NEU). </p>

<p>Are you applying to USC? If not, you should. With their NMF scholarship, the remaining costs are within your budget.</p>

20

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<p>Agree with the above poster to put some more of those full ride schools on your application list in case this happens. Don’t forget the National Merit scholarship list at the top of the financial aid forum section, as well as the automatic and competitive full ride lists.</p>

<p>If your relationship with your parents is not as strained as your post suggests (and they will pay up to $40,000 per year), add some of the less selective UCs (or CSUs) to your list.</p>