When we got married H handled the bills because that was “traditional,” no? It lasted for merely a month or two. He’s a superb engineer. He’s not so great with budgets and bills. It’s been solely my job for the rest of the 33+ that we’ve been married.
Otherwise, we split chores. I load the dishwasher (because it must be done MY way) and he washes everything that doesn’t go into it. I wash laundry, but we both fold or hang it up. He does a lot of “fix it” jobs, but that’s because he knows how to and I don’t. I feed the cat, but that’s because I get up earlier and the cat is impatient. We both cook. In the old days we both shopped, but since I’ve been staying home from school I took over that one most of the time.
Both of us fed, dressed, washed, and otherwise cared for our boys, including diapers. Both of us helped with homework if needed. Both of us graded the years we homeschooled. I selected curricula, but I had more experience with that from school.
Essentially, we’re a team and I like it that way. It did make his mom gasp because she was far more traditional. How could I make her son do so many woman chores? It made my mom and one aunt jealous. They told me I picked well. Both loved H. Had we gotten divorced they’d have kept him and ditched me!
@Creekland I think being a team is key. I do all of the laundry (I actually like doing it) and H does the lawn care (he likes that), etc. It works out because we both do the things we like and we split some of the stuff no one likes to do.
The one thing I would suggest is that both partners know at least a few basics. I know of a man who was widowed and literally could not fix himself anything to eat! At all. And I also know more than one woman who had no idea how to pay bills, handle anything financial.
My kids dad stayed home. He cooked and took kids to various activities. We had a cleaning person, gardener, handyman to do things around the house. I scheduled kids’ activities, went to conferences at school, and was their go to person for most issues In their lives. Their teachers contacted me whenever there were issues. My assistant at work always knew to put kids through whenever they called. I do think expectations of dad staying at home maybe a bit different than mom staying at home. Of course I was just a data point.
I’ve been paying the family bills pretty much all through our marriage tho H has the accounting degree and I am not great at balancing a checkbook. We have never bounced a check or had an overdue bill, so that’s a win.
H does the repairs mostly and I do most of the shopping & cooking. He washes dishes. I have always attended to my and the kids schooling and health issues.
Neither one of us were SAH or really WAH when the kids were younger. My wife was part-time for a number of years when the kids were in elementary/middle school. She’d leave before they were up and would be home at the end of their day. I’d get everybody ready for school and then head to the office. My wife got a promotion and had to go full-time when the girls were in HS, so I shifted to the part-time role. She still went in early and I got everyone out of the house.
There are definitely a smattering of stay-at-home dads in our community. The typical situation is the one described above-- the mom has the more high paying career.
In terms of roles, I’ve always been the laundry person. We made a deal early on that I could watch sports on Sunday afternoons if I pushed all the laundry through.
In thinking about it, I am surprised at how many WFH people I knew before Covid. It’s both men and woman. Maybe it’s because they are in tech? Some have their own businesses and work out of their house. These are people we met through our kids, who went to diverse title 1 schools. Not all have college degrees. My hairdresser only works 2 days a week. She out earned her husband for many years.
DH has WFH for 17 years. Even with DH being WFH, my girls would say he worked too much! They know how lucky they were to always have him around. He made their lunches and drove them to school with me. He also came to school as much as he could. I was SAH, so I volunteered daily at school. I did the house stuff and bills and driving after school. He washed dishes- I hate dirty dishes.
With the way women are outnumbering men at college, I think SAHD are going to become more common.
I was a SAHD for years. When we first got married, my wife started a business and brought home almost no income. That business fizzled out, and she started a second, related business. For the first 10 years of marriage I was the bread winner with a corporate job and the wife built her business, bringing home very little income. After she got PE capital and was able to take a healthy salary, I quit my job to care for my kids and parents.
There were three drivers for this decision. First, I had two high-IQ/ADHD boys who had behavioral issues, or were too advanced for the public schools (I’ll save my “lowest common denominator” rant for another time). Because of this, I needed to drive one son to a private school for smart kids two towns away, and the other to a public school that could fulfill his IEP. It is hard to have a real corporate job when you only have a work window between 9:00am and 2:00pm. Second, during the same period, both my parents started their multi-year battles with cancer and I spent several years driving my father to two or three medical appointments a week and checking on him regularly. I had three sisters, but they all lived far away so his care fell to me. Third, my wife traveled constantly, and was often in Europe or Asia for five to 10 days at a time.
It was the right decision for the family, and things worked out in the end. My wife sold the business, and we are semi-retired. Both kids are doing well, and Thing #1 is about to go to college for engineering. The downside is that my two boys grew up without the example of a working father, and 18 years of formal education went to waste.
Ah, but that is a common misunderstanding. Your formal education made you who you are. Education is never wasted. I had to explain this to a college classmate who told me that I was wasting my education when I left the paid workforce to raise my kids!
Neither would rate in the downside column for me. I’m glad my boys were raised with a father who did a lot with them. They’re glad too. Education is never wasted. Neurons in the brain are developed by learning new things and can get reused later. If they aren’t developed by learning new things they die off.
I had many years of formal education—college and law school. I was gone with my kids from the time S was 3 4.5 months old and stayed home with them for most of the next 10+ years. I worked part time after that but felt I used my dictation and training in my volunteer and part time gigs and in navigating our complex chronic disease and medical teams.
I really don’t believe education is wasted when we are productive members of society and help raise productive people. There are many ways of being productive—not all of it directly translates to salary.
@Silpat — how will your H feel if you guys provide afterschool care for your grandkid but SIL still doesn’t get a job and doesn’t help around the house?
H won’t be happy about SiL, mainly for our D’s sake, but will still be glad to spend time with GD. She’s had him wrapped around her little finger from the start.
We babysit 18 - 20 hours per week now, mostly on weekdays whether or not D works from home, so babysitting after preschool wouldn’t be a great increase.
Back around 1985, I knew a couple where the husband stayed home with the first baby. The grand plan was that he’d also have time to renovate the house, but that was not so easy with baby needing care. He was eager to get back to work, and his wife didn’t mind staying home a year when the 2nd kid came along.