I’m seeing stay-at-home dads become the new norm; both of my brothers are stay-at-home dads while their wives are the breadwinners, and I personally know more SAHDs than SAHMs. Does anyone else think that stay-at-home dads/househusbands seem to be becoming the new norm?
My ex was a stay at home dad and he took very good care of our kids. There were few stay at home dad when my kids were growing up. They were “working from home”(writing a book, managing family’s portfolio). They all faced similar SAH issues/benefits, but back then it was probably more difficult for men.
D1 has a very demanding job and makes a lot more than her husband, even though he does well enough in tech. They have a baby now, but based on our family experience they are not going to quit their jobs and stay home. They would rather pay for in home childcare than to give up their own careers.
3 Likes
Are they stay at home - or WFH???
Whatever works for the couple and kids!
Also perhaps fortunate for any couple to be able to allow one parent to be at home. Both parents working - even if one is not full time - is more the norm with anyone I know.
7 Likes
I know a good number of SAHDs and it does seem to be becoming more of an even balance.
I’m glad it’s becoming more normal than typical stereotypes!
H was a WFH dad, but he was the one we chose to chaperone school field trips in elementary and intermediate school.
My talent lies with teens+, not younger students. He does well with younger ones.
2 Likes
I knew a few when my kids were growing up and a few in my extended family right now. Wives had demanding jobs but were still the contact person for volunteering/the kids stuff. I was a SAHM at that time and these guys seemed to have a lot more free time than I or my female SAHM friends did…I realize that it’s a limited number of guys. Recently read an article in Washingtonian magazine about that.
I love that Dad’s are (for the most part) more involved with their kids, but wonder how much of the other household stuff they pick up? Or is some of that still considered “women’s work?” I realize that I am somewhat skeptical based on the families I know.
2 Likes
Due to Covid, more people will be working from home in the future. It’s going to be harder to know who is stay at home or work from home, so I think there will be a lot less social pressure in terms who is staying at home.
I think no matter who is the one to stay home to take on the full time responsibilities of taking care of home/children should do it with their eyes wide open - think about future when kids are grown, will SAH be enough of personal fulfillment. People often make the decision of staying because of economic - the job doesn’t pay enough to pay for childcare. Kids do grow up. Once you are out of workforces it’s hard to go back.
8 Likes
Good point @oldfort. I stayed home for several years largely because H traveled for his job and my work (accountant) had long hours at certain times. If I had been able to work from home, I could have/would have done it.
H is the breadwinner and WFH. Prior to the pandemic, I did not WFH at all, so he did school drop offs, packed lunches, and pick up. He did that for 5 years, after I re-entered the workforce after staying home and finishing school. I entered the job market with low pay, no seniority, and no vacation time and that sucked. But five years later, I’ve doubled my salary and have more vacation time.
We have some non-standard division of labor in our home in addition to the above: DH does 95% of the grocery shopping (he can tell you what the price on pork per pound at Costco is on any given week, and he cooks dinner. DH also does the field trip chaperoning.
In our upper middle class area, the true stay at home folks–who do not engage in paid work at all–are SAHMs. I know of 3 among my DD’s friend group.
3 Likes
We had several dads at our grade school who were the main contact parent. They all worked, as did their wives, but they were the emergency contacts, the parent who came to class to do reading, who coached the basketball teams.
But I’d say it was more of a team parenting than a SAHD. They just had more flexibility. In one family, the mom was a doctor and the dad did something in real estate. More emergencies in medicine than real estate.
1 Like
I personally don’t know any, but I see more and more women making more money then men among new graduates in my DD circle so it makes perfect sense that the one who earns more will continue to work. Specially for women in tech
I was the primary caregiver for our kids from birth - okay, maybe from age 1 month. I never felt comfortable bathing newborns. They seem so doggone fragile. I arranged my life such that my moneyearning allowed me to care for the kids all day. Except during football season when I spent a few Sundays a year at the bar with the guys.
I’ve taken the kids to school every day from the first day of kindergarten for my son who is now in college, through today, and probably will until my youngest graduates in ‘26. I packed all school lunches, volunteered for school activities, did all doctors’ visits for all kids, and chauffeured to every activity. Even homeschooled one kid for a few years.
@FallGirl asked earlier if SAHDs do the majority of other household duties. Personally, I did not. I paid the bills, took care of the kids, did the traditional husband stuff (yard work, cleaned gutters, keeping up with automobiles, laying new floors in the house, etc) and my ex did most of the cooking and such until our separation. I’m still not much of a cleaner. The house isn’t filthy - it’s very sanitary but is … tastefully cluttered.
That said, I don’t think SAHDs are becoming the new norm. I think mothers remain the main childcare provider in most households. At least in those I know. En masse, fathers certainly do a lot more than decades past, but in most of the households of my kids’ schools, if there was a stay at home parent, it seems 80% of the time it was the mother. When I volunteered in schools and picked up my kids from school, most of the parents I saw/see are mothers. I see as many grandparents as fathers.
6 Likes
I don’t know any full-time SAHDs. In my affluent suburb, dads who WFH are far more common. Often, it’s dads who are launching their own businesses or, in our case, dads who WFH a couple days a week to help out with household logistics.
In my own experience and those of friends, WFH dads are not doing more of the household chores. They’re coaching sports teams, volunteering at school, running carpool, etc. DH doesn’t do as much around the house as I’d like, but I know I can sign him up for any volunteer shift and he will make it work. At the end of the day, it’s a team effort.
Someone upthread made a good point about personal fulfillment. Many of my friends who dropped out of the workforce before building solid careers are sad and lost now that their kids are heading off to college.
5 Likes
I was a SAHM while the kids ere young until they were about 8 & 10 and I went back part time into labor force. I still did all the grocery shopping and cooking and worked part time. I didn’t know any SAH dads but did know one WFH dad.
My niece was the breadwinner in their family until her H could get enough business for his own law firm. Now that his firm is doing pretty well, they’re separated. 
My other nieces are all both parents working. My engaged nephew is both MDs (him and Fiance). My niece is in DO school and her H is in military and figuring out what he wants to do next. None appear to be having any SAH parent.
When our oldest was 18 months old, my husband threatened to quit work and be a SAHF. I laughed, and said, "Please, go ahead! Our income will triple! We were never going to put the kids into daycare, and I could make much more working full time than part time, and the loss of his much smaller income was insignificant to us. He was a great SAHF, not so great on the other household stuff, but he was amazing with the kids. Of course, I would resent it when I came home to a dirty, chaotic household and no dinner, but I felt it was a small sacrifice, knowing that the kids were incredibly well cared for. I just resented that everyone thought it was so incredible that a man could stay home with and take care of kids so well, when a woman would have been expected to also have a meal on the table, clean up, etc. But overall, it was a very good arrangement, and it let me be entirely present in my work, when I know of many other mothers who wound up having to quit and stay home with kids.
13 Likes
An interesting “twist” to this conversation.
What do people assume “stay at home” to entail??? Taking primary care of the kids? Taking primary care of the kids AND bills? Taking care of the kids, bills, home maintenance including shopping?
If one takes care of the kids but the other caregiver does a fair bit of everything else (bills, shopping, cooking, cleaning) is the label “stay at home” even needed? My sense is, that people take “stay at home” to mean take care of the kids daily needs, cleaning, shopping, cooking.
Yes? No???
In terms of TASKS (taking the emotional component out of taking care of children) wow, it may be a better deal if someone goes to work 40 hours a week and comes home to children whose needs are met, a clean home and food ready on the table!!! - of course everyone’s “40 hours” looks different and no cake walk at all. (Point being, OFTEN people think “stay at home” is a cake walk)
I think it depends if it’s stay at home vs work from home.
I was a SAHM. I did work but very limited part time when S started pre-school until my parents needed more help and then I was at their house instead of work.
I did all the house stuff - childcare, chauffeuring, cooking, cleaning, lawn care, snow removal, etc… The only thing I didn’t do was bill paying and financial planning because my H enjoyed it and wanted to do it. H traveled extensively when D was little and when he was in town, worked a ton, so we were on our own a lot.
I don’t personally know any sahm or sahd. Everyone I know both parents worked and they used childcare, that seems to still be the case.
A number of people on CC stayed home when their kids were younger. I did do for many, many years. I took care of everything but the yard work (H loves doing yard work), and H traveled a lot during the week. For me, it was a necessity … I am an all-or-nothing type A person, and I simply couldn’t raise kids and work. Until very recently, I didn’t know anyone from my D’s generation who is a SAH parent. My cousin’s D recently stepped back from work after having her second child. When I said something to D about it, she told me that she has a couple friends who are SAHMs or have wives who are SAHMs. She doesn’t know any SAHDs, though. D does not want to stay home, but she & her H appreciate the flexibility they have in their work from home jobs.
When I was a SAHM I did the cooking (except on weekends b/c H likes to cook), all cleaning, laundry, shopping, errands, and almost everything related to the kids including social/emotional etc. I handled anything to do with school and activities and was an active volunteer.
When I returned to the paid workforce I hired a cleaning team and H took over a lot of the cooking (he got home earlier, and like I said he enjoyed it). He was also doing yard stuff (he also enjoys) so it worked out about equal.
D and SIL want kids, but I don’t see either leaving their paid jobs (both have partial WFH). H and I are moving to their city and will be about 20 minutes away if they need backup help at any time.
6 Likes