<p>If you lay down rules and they are never followed, and there is never any “consequence” to not following the rules, then there are no rules. </p>
<p>Every watch that Nanny show? There are sometimes some very nice parents with good intentions and reasonable rules, but the kids have learned how to walk all over them due to the lack of negative consequences.</p>
<p>Make up new guidelines, and discuss them in a family meeting. Create consequences if they are not followed, and STICK BY THEM THE FIRST TIME AND EVERY TIME. </p>
<p>You can easily not cook meals for the kids, not give them access to automobiles, not do the laundry, and not clean up after them. If you work in the home, and you have clients visit, you need to be very frank with what behavior is and is not tolerated. And then followup with that. There does not need to be raised voices. You need to show with actions what it is you expect. Time to stop rolling over.</p>
<p>*If you lay down rules and they are never followed, and there is never any “consequence” to not following the rules, then there are no rules.
*</p>
<p>That’s the point of the “find the child’s currency.” In this case, it’s car access and food/drinks for entertaining friends.</p>
<p>Dr. Phil gives the analogy…if fast drivers were only yelled at by cops, rather than being given costly tickets, would people respect the speed limit? NO.</p>
<p>These are not “children” ( if I understand correctly. Graduating from college or high school?). I think contracting can be a fine short term solution in teaching young people the benefits of acting responsibility, but isn’t there some point when they are too old for such detailed negotiating?</p>
<p>Just to be clear, I DO believe in rewards and other consequences, but can you imagine having to do that with your spouse? Okay, so maybe…</p>
<p>*Just to be clear, I DO believe in rewards and other consequences, but can you imagine having to do that with your spouse? *</p>
<p>Spouses are different. Spouses are EQUALS in the home. No spouse has the right to “give consequences” like those being suggested. You can’t tell a spouse, if you don’t clean the bathroom, you can’t use the car - because the other spouse equally owns that car. </p>
<p>Children (even adult children) are NOT equals in your home. Parents have EVERY right to tell adult children in their homes, “If you want to use the car, you must do A, B, and C.”</p>
<p>We had a few issues with DS being home this Christmas. College senior living alone in an apartment. He is not used to having to check in with others. After a rocky first few days I sat him down. Told him I need to know what plans are and whether he will be home for dinner or not. Tonight we are going to a nice restaurant for a family dinner. He informed me he was bringing a friend. I informed him he was not. He offered to pay for his friend and I still said no. Family dinner. Period. He rescheduled with friend.
He has spent very few nights here as he likes to stay at his friends houses. Fine with me but I told him since he has a spare car of ours I need to have a phone call each morning that lays out his plan for the day and coordinates whether anyone else needs the car.
I can’t imagine “taking” the car keys from him but you can have a conversation every morning that makes a plan. If their plan includes bringing home friends and that doesn’t work for you that day say so. If the plan includes being home for dinner you cook and they don’t come home I would quit cooking for a while :)</p>
<p>“Children (even adult children) are NOT equals in your home. Parents have EVERY right to tell adult children in their homes,”</p>
<p>I absolutely agree you have a right. And I believe families should begin this process early on, then gradually fade the specifics ( i.e. taking the keys), when the idea is internalized. But at some point, it might get tiresome. When does all the negotiating end? If not at 17, or 18, how about 21, or 25? And in some families, for whatever reason ( often chronic problems setting limits, or individuals who don’t seem to learn from consequences), things don’t seem to change. But there is hope, at least after your kid turns 18…change the locks ( well at least figuratively)!</p>
<p>I’m curious about how you raised them - if you are the “clean freak,” did you teach them how to do the cleaning by themselves? If you did, they should have some old patterns to revert to, no matter how poorly they apply themselves to the jobs. </p>
<p>You’ll never get them to clean to the standards you’d want for your clients. And what ever they do will be secondary to their oh-so-important schedule of activities. What has worked for me is to get up early and set aside a block of time for cleaning, then have daily tasks for each son that are not extreme, but involve picking up after themselves and doing some things around the house. Lately that has been shoveling the driveway, sometimes twice a day, so not much is getting done inside! We also have dinner together regularly - they must let me know if they are not going to be home - and clean up afterward, together. Then I go over what they did when they aren’t looking, but it’s a start.</p>
<p>You sound close to exasperation now, and I have noticed that the behavior of the kids becomes more careless as the vacation progresses, so you may want to save the big plans for another time and focus on getting just a few things done, with their help.</p>
<p>They don’t sound like bad kids. They get up early, they do productive things during the day. What’s missing here maybe just communication. They need to get permission from you first before they are allowed to invite friends over, and they need to let you know when they are not going to be home. But I don’t think it would be that hard to reach an agreement. I have a feeling you will miss them when they are gone.</p>
<p>“They don’t sound like bad kids. They get up early, they do productive things during the day.”</p>
<p>That’s very true! I wouldn’t lock those “kids” out. I was reflecting on much worse scenarios than this. Also, I am no “neat freak”, and could never work out of my home.</p>
<p>That is actually an impressive list of activities taking place before the usual noon wake-up time of the college kids I know! I would start with the issue of noise and mess around clients – that’s an easy one to understand and probably your best bet for getting cooperation.</p>
<p>By noon, all of my kids have been on the go for at least 3 or 4 hours. They were never sleepers and can’t understand their friends who are nocturnal. I could never lock them out because they are great kids…just annoying and inconsiderate when it comes to the simple things that my husband and I wish they would do. We are blessed and we thank God everyday for our good fortune but I would still like to see them care about making their dear folks happy while they are at home.</p>
<p>*When does all the negotiating end? If not at 17, or 18, how about 21, or 25? *</p>
<p>I agree that this should have been addressed awhile ago. But, that doesn’t mean that the “negotiating” will never end, if it starts now.</p>
<p>First of all, once the kids see that there will be a price to pay for their messy ways, they’ll either clean or lose the car and have to stay in a home with no good snacks or sodas. </p>
<p>Secondly, once they see that their parents will give some consequences, they’ll take their home requirements more seriously.</p>
<p>Thirdly, this won’t go on forever, as soon as they graduate, (hopefully) they’ll have their own homes. :)</p>
<p>I just cant wait for the day when I can go visit S and leave my dirty dishes next to the sink and my wet towels on the floor. Payback’s a … well, you get the idea. :-)</p>
<p>Actually S was pretty messy over thanksgiving break but did much better over Christmas plus he was taking more stuff back with him than he came home with, so his personal space was more cleaned up than typical. I actually think his dish issue (as noted above) is more about not doing dishes or much of anything beyond clearing them at a cafeteria. In fact, that there was an improvement in getting dishes from the table to the counter next to the sink should be considered growth!</p>
<p>“I have all four of my kids at home right now and one will be graduating this May. Next year, I have two that will be graduating and, the following year my forth child will graduate. My husband and I are so disappointed in the way they treat our home and the their lack of courtesy in regard to the very simple things. They feel that they are entittled to use our very old cars to travel wherever they please even though they know they are literally on their last leg. The kitchen is in constant tormoil and the laundry has yet to be done by the three sons who are away. We have hosted several parties for their friends and yes we have paid for all of the cost associated with these get togethers. They bring home friends at any time of the day or night and truck their dirt through our home. If they are in the back yard the mud from the shoes is brought into the kitchen even after I have just washed the floors…”</p>
<p>Sounds like you’ve been your kids’ doormat for a while now. The chance to train them otherwise was at about age 4 or 5. Sorry, but that opportunity is gone now. </p>
<p>If you buckle down now, they will only hate you (and rightfully so) for being inconsistent.</p>
<p>Another suggestion. I assume that they’ll all have summer jobs. How about having them chip in to pay for a cleaning person, since they don’t want to do the work and you shouldn’t have to?</p>
<p>Olive they each pay 4000 toward their tuition every year. One son works full time while attending school and they all pay for their own personal expences. They are not lazy just messy.</p>
<p>I have three boys too. Only one’s in college and he’s the worst slob… it’s been more messy than usual around here and I can relate to the dirty dishes, dirty laundry and dirty shoes! Is there any way you can meet with your clients elsewhere during the holidays or not at all? Having clients come into my house during vacation time would definitely put me over the edge!!</p>
Not so. I’m proud to say that I have, over the past 31 years, managed to teach my husband how to place his dirty clothes in the hamper and his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. It took some effort, but mission accomplished. The OP’s children are young adults, perfectly capable of learning to be more orderly and considerate.
Sorry, but I can’t agree with this either. They may temporarily resent mom carving out some order, but “hate”? That would be ridiculous (and there’d be no “rightfully so” about it).</p>
Payback’s a … well, you get the idea. :-)</p>