<p>I am curious as to what your experience was like the first time your dc came home from college for the holidays, especially if you had not seen them since you dropped them off at the beginning of the semester/quarter. Our ds is >1,800 miles away and his time home at Thanksgiving will be the first time we have seen him since we dropped him off in mid-September. </p>
<p>Had your children changed a lot? If so, in what ways? What sorts of "rules" (if any) did you impose on them when they were back home? We are struggling with the conceptof a curfew. I don't really like the idea of this, and we had some friends who tried to impose one on a child when he returned, and it was NOT good for their relationship at all. On the other hand, when ds is so far away he is "out of sight, out of mind," but I know I will worry when he is in town. Especially with driving as he has no car on campus and is thus out of practice. I am expecting ds to sleep a lot and to want to spend time with friends. In-laws are coming (happy, happy, joy, joy), and I will expect him to spend a certain amount of time (a few hours) with us as a family on Thanksgiving Day, but that's about it. </p>
<p>I guess I am wondering how you "parent" a college-aged student. I think this psuedo adulthood time period is going to be challenging. Ds has all the freedom in the world at college, but he is still on the family payroll. I would like to hope that their will be mutual respect/consideration among all of us, but I am wondering if this will be the case. Not because ds was ever particularly defiant (he wasn't), but because he has had so much freedom so far from home.</p>
<p>TIA for sharing any insights and experiences. I guess I am just a bit nervous about what it will be like. Is that weird?</p>
<p>My kids certainly were more independent, but they were still the same people. I tried to be there for them but still give them space. It is a time of change, when they are increasingly independent but not quite adult. The fact that you recognize this tells me that you will be just fine! Here are some of my thoughts/experiences…</p>
<p>-I always try to make a favorite dinner when they arrive home and pamper them a bit (ex. offer to do laundry etc.) which is always appreciated. </p>
<p>-Another thing that you can do is to ask if there is anything that he needs to go back to school (sometimes they realize things would be helpful that you didn’t get at the start of college).</p>
<p>-We personally don’t impose curfews but we ask that if they are going to be later than they first expected or out way after midnight that they give a call or send a text out of courtesy and let us know. They seem to think this is reasonable and it has not been a problem for them. (In fact once my husband and I were out really late and my son told me I should have sent him a text because he was concerned so I apologized and said I’d do the same for him going forward – it was kind of sweet really). </p>
<p>-We have always had and continue to have a “not one drop of alcohol if you are driving” policy and they adhere to that as well. This is non-negotiable and I remind them whenever they take the car out.</p>
<p>-The other thing is that you should be prepared that he will not want to spend every second with you and that he will probably be anxious to catch up with his HS friends and share experiences – that is normal.</p>
<p>-There is a good chance he will come home with some work as finals exams and papers will be looming. </p>
<p>-I always try to find some time to just sit and chat about how things are going-- I find I learn more if I mostly listen instead of peppering them with questions.</p>
<p>Happy and safe holidays to all of you. Enjoy having your S home.</p>
<p>Above post just about says it all! And very well! I have to say that when my DD came home the first time I saw a glimpse of the adult she was becoming and I liked it!</p>
<p>I like that post, too. My child seemed more confident, more distant, wanting to show me how different he was. </p>
<p>Most of the time he was home he was asleep. He did spend lots of time with friends. I had to wait until he got very relaxed (but not sleeping) for him to open up and start telling me about his life. Great to see how he was changing, frustrating to have so little time together. </p>
<p>Agree with happy1. I explained to my kids that while I wasn’t trying to control their comings and goings, I worried if they didn’t come home when anticipated. Also, I didn’t want to think there was an intruder in my house if a kid was coming home at 1 in the morning. So we had the same rule about letting me know when they would be home and informing me if their plans changed. Essentially, the same courtesy one would extend to any other member of a household. </p>
<p>No curfews, but they let us know generally where they are going and when/if they’ll be home.</p>
<p>We have found that life is easier if we let them know far, far ahead of time that they need to have eye exams, flu shots, dentist appointments, etc. when they are home. We have bumped heads when we’ve assumed they would be home and available during an entire break, when they’ve made other plans. It was like negotiating at a flea market to nail down my son on a December date when he could get his wisdom teeth out (factoring in a couple days of downish time, plus a followup appointment two weeks later, plus plans he had already made for New Years plus a short family trip). We had to make the December appointments in early August. </p>
<p>The issue doesn’t tend to arise at Thanksgiving because in most families, nobody is going to work or school while the college student is home. However, for the other breaks, it may be important to establish a family policy on quiet hours. The college student may be free from responsibilities, but other people in the household may have work or school, and they may have to go to bed early and get up early.</p>
<p>Also agree with Happy1. But though they were growing, we felt this still our family home and we did expect them to plug into normal routines. Eg, they were expected to help with ordinary house tasks, not plan on taking one of the cars without making sure no one else had needs, etc. Same as before. We had already dealt with curfews in senior year: if you’re going to be out past X hour, please call or text. It worked nicely. Hope you have a good time.</p>
<p>I don’t remember that big a difference. We’d never really had a curfew - I expect to know more or less where you are and more or less when you expect to be back and text any major changes. If there’s a problem just remind them that you tell your dh or dw the same thing. It’s a courtesy, not that you need to know exactly what they are up to. And if something God forbid should happen to them at least you’d know where to start looking. Everyone is expected to help around the house, whether it’s laundry, setting the table or raking leaves.</p>
<p>We don’t do curfews, and I wouldn’t recommend them at this age, anyway. Our house rules apply to everyone. Everyone must say where he or she is going and when we should expect him/her to return. Everyone must help with the housework, particularly dishes and laundry. Everyone must observe quiet hours so that people who go to bed early can get enough rest.</p>
<p>As far as my relationship with my D goes, well, we do argue a bit more than we used to when she was living here all year long. I think this is quite normal, as she is figuring out who she is as an adult. Some of the stuff we argue about, such as her use of foul language–seriously, they swear like sailors at Wellesley!!–will probably pass, but it’s all just part of her journey.</p>
<p>I actually thought of my kids as adults when they returned home for visits so I never think of myself as having to parent. We did not set any curfews when the kids were home, but i did want to know if they were coming home (or not) and if they weren’t where they were going to be before I turned in for the night. The kids knew that was important to me from high school. I actually found that my kids were more thankful of all the things I did, like laundry for them when they were home (my pleasure) and I found they cleaned more thoroughly after being on their own. </p>
<p>We had seen DS at Oct Parent Weekend, so at Thanksgiving return was about the same. A bit more mature than hs, still very happy. </p>
<p>I had suggested that DH take him for a driving refresher. He thought I was joking and declined. Later that weekend DS managed to ruin TWO tires drifting into a curb. One resulted in immediate flat (and call to AAA). He was sick that week, and his big sis really should have taken the wheel instead. </p>
<p>No curfew. Both of ours were instate so we saw them fairly regularly. There was really no tension for us. We saw them off and on during the day when at home but knew not to expect them to sit around with us at night.</p>
<p>I would like to know where you are going. No curfew on when you get back.</p>
<p>I would prefer if you would help a bit around the house. They think “i don’t live here so I don’t have to do chores” but you think “there is more mess because you are here”. </p>
<p>I would like you to spend some time with the family, but realize you will want to spend time with your friends too.</p>
<p>We don’t have a curfew, but I don’t want anyone coming or going from the house much past midnight. I also don’t want my kids on the road in the middle of the night, and I prefer that they stay over with friends rather than driving home late. Generally, they seem to appreciate being home and all of the little amenities - laundry service, home cooking, nice televisions…</p>
<p>The biggest issue we anticipated during those first visits was the family/friends time share. We are always excited to see our kids when they come home and the kids are also always anxious to reconnect with their friends. We handle this by speaking with them before they come home and asking which night would be good to have a nice family dinner. It gives the child some control over their schedule while letting them know that family time WILL happen. It has worked well for our family.</p>
<p>I asked my kids to have dinner at home before they went out with friends, otherwise I wouldn’t get to see them. During holidays, I informed ahead of time of family gatherings they were expected to attend, so they could work around their schedule. Of course, they had to help around the house with chores while they were home. I think communication is key and it is good to discuss it before they get home or in the beginning of visit.</p>
<p>My D came home for fall break and was just happy to be home. Lots of time spent in bed watching tv and Netflix. Because she had not driven for months and we live so far away from her friends in town, I just did not feel comfortable giving her the car for her to drive alone all hours of the night. So, I fell back into chauffeuring. Thankfully, it was a short break. For Thanksgiving when more of her friends will be home, she will go back to staying in DC with her friends and Ubering around - that way no one is driving late at night. She did not have a curfew her senior year in high school and wouldn’t have one now. Just needs to check in and let me know where she is. My worse nightmare is what happened to the college student in Charlotte who was missing for 40 hours before anyone realized it.</p>
<p>It was weird having her home. She was sleeping in her childhood bed. I would stand in her doorway and watch her sleep but she wasn’t a child anymore, but an adult. When she is away, I don’t miss the adult so much, I miss the “child” who doesn’t exist anymore. Does that make sense to anyone else? I am not trying to make her stay a child and I actually like the adult she is becoming.</p>
<p>Thanks to all for all the thoughtful comments. I am not inclined to have a curfew, but it is hard for me to go to sleep until ds returns home. He didn’t really have a curfew the summer after graduation (prior to that, it was imposed by the state, so I wasn’t the “bad guy”). I think I am mostly concerned about the driving. I may have him take me out for some quick errand running the day after he gets in, just so I can get some comfort level back with that. I fully expect he will be spending lots of time with friends. I just hope my in-laws can understand that. I plan to have a set amount of time on Thanksgiving Day when I will expect him to be home - say until 3:00 in the afternoon if we eat at 1:00, and then he can head out for other things. I will also expect him to have dinner with us the night before Thanksgiving when my in-laws arrive. I think that is reasonable - two “required” family meals while they are here. I will definitely make these times known to him before he gets home. Hopefully, he will bring the friends to our house - I miss all of them, too! </p>