Are your college kids trying your patience?

Parents Forum
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<p>I have all four of my kids at home right now and one will be graduating this May. Next year, I have two that will be graduating and, the following year my forth child will graduate. My husband and I are so disappointed in the way they treat our home and the their lack of courtesy in regard to the very simple things. They feel that they are entittled to use our very old cars to travel wherever they please even though they know they are literally on their last leg. The kitchen is in constant tormoil and the laundry has yet to be done by the three sons who are away. We have hosted several parties for their friends and yes we have paid for all of the cost associated with these get togethers. They bring home friends at any time of the day or night and truck their dirt through our home. If they are in the back yard the mud from the shoes is brought into the kitchen even after I have just washed the floors. I have had it and, I am looking forward to their return to college where they can live like slobs in their own rooms. </p>

<p>The problem is that they are all going to be returning to the family house starting with this May and, the two others next year. My daughter may or may not be living here because she may still be away at school at that point. My question is what do you guys do when the kids come home? I work from my home office and have clients here all the time. They pound all over the house and start making these smelly foods in the kitchen that travel to my office right off from the kitchen. Clients use the bathroom that is also shared with the family and I cringe everytime I think that someone may need to use it. The toilet seat is always up and these three boys have really forgot common decency for others. I am so sad and disgusted and I am ready to send them all back right now. </p>

<p>I have missed them so much but with every visit I expect that things will get better and they will have grown up...they have not. Any suggestions on how to deal with multiple kids and multiple needs and one very tired mom and a frustrated dad. We are losing sleep and just always seem angry at them.</p>

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<p>momma - I think it’s time for you to lay down some laws.</p>

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<p>I love having my kids come home - but we have good communication and we talk about expectations and any issues that arise. Sounds like it’s time for you to do some talking and share your “clear expectations”, and then some listening to them. Are they aware of your frustrations? (And why would they all come home to live after college??? :eek:)</p>

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<p>^I second that. They’re adults, being at home at this point, IMHO, is a privilege, not a right. As such you should set down some rules that they must live by and tell them they will need to make other living arrangements if they can’t abide by them. I know lots of people who tell their kids they need a F/T job during summer and they need to find an apartment with some friends rather than coming home and sitting around doing nothing all summer. </p>

<p>I was living on my own at 19 and I know plenty of kids today that do that. In fact, a lot of kids don’t want to move back home during the summer after they have been living on their own. Right now would be a good time to set clear expectations and consequences before they come home for the summer. That way, if they don’t want to live with your rules, they can line something else up for the summer.</p>

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<p>You need to set and enforce courtesy rules in your home, the same rules you’d expect other adult guests to abide by.</p>

<p>I love having younger S home. He is a pleasure to be around, and even made cookies from scratch for us yesterday. I am going to miss him so much when he returns to college tomorrow. </p>

<p>To balance this out, older S hasn’t been home since he left for college in 2001. Since he went for a couple of years without communicating with us we feel blessed now to have a cordial relationship with him by e-mail and the telephone. Our experience with him left me believing there are worse things than having inconsiderate college students home for vacations.</p>

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<p>Sometimes kids will “hear your message” better if it’s presented by BOTH parents at the same time. </p>

<p>Get together with your H and come up with some set rules, then present them together. The H cannot be the “silent one” just sitting there while the mom does all the talking, because kids will think dad is just “going along with this for peace with mom.”</p>

<p>Both parents have to strongly make the case, united, and firmly. In your case, car privileges could be revoked when your wishes are disregarded. (Heck, you could always charge them a rental car fee and mileage. lol)</p>

<p>The fact that you work from home which likely helps pays for their college costs is also very important, and they must be more respectful of that!</p>

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<p>We happened to stumble across a show on CMT called, “The Strictest Parents in the World.” Parents having trouble with their teenagers let them live with another family for a week. The surrogate parents actually enforce rules and have high expectations for the kids! What a radical concept. My husband laughed - he said, “They aren’t strict, they’re just doing their job!” I had to agree. OP, reread your post - my goodness, the kids are running rampant in your house! They have no right to do that. You and your husband have to turn things around NOW - you’re not doing your kids any favors as it is. They’ll think they can behave this way whenever they want, with everybody! They’ve made it clear they’re NOT going to grow up without a little push from their parents. Time to kick the baby birds out of the nest, I think. Good luck! You can do it!</p>

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<p>*Time to kick the baby birds out of the nest, I think. Good luck! You can do it! *</p>

<p>Well, it’s hard to just “kick” college kids out of the nest when they’re home between semesters without some warning. </p>

<p>Instead, they need to be told that they must follow certain rules, OR they must find other living arrangements while they’re on break.</p>

<p>And…as for parties at your home…make them EARN that privilege by saying, “you can have a party (get-together) here in 4 days, IF you spend the next 3 days doing __<strong><em>, </em></strong> and _____.” (doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, washing floors, cleaning the kitchen, etc)</p>

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<p>Change the locks!</p>

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<p>Perhaps send them a letter expressing your feelings and expectations for the future…sometimes it is easier not to start such a conversation face-to-face.</p>

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<p>I really think the mom and dad have to privately meet and decide what they will tolerate and what they won’t, and then JOINTLY tell the kids that these are the house rules.</p>

<p>BTW…why does momma_three have three in her name, since she has 4 kids? just wondering. LOL</p>

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<p>you mad…</p>

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<p>I read the title of the the thread and though,“Well, yeah, of course.” But then I read the details in the first post. That behavior is over the top; I’d like to think that it is due to cluelessness. So the thing to do is clue these barbarians in.</p>

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<p>You must scheme ahead of them in order to keep the upper hand. Try, “trying their patience” before they can do it to you. Anyone who attempts to parent a teenager and who has not read and even partially understands the message of “The Prince” by Makaveli is doomed to failure and deserves the sad result thereof. </p>

<p>It is war.</p>

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<p>okay, as a current college student I can’t help but offer a little perspective on how things may seem from your children’s viewpoint.</p>

<p>In college, students are socialized to the norms of dorm life. So, certain things are acceptable: leaving your stuff everywhere, drinking excessively, coming home at 5 AM, keeping odd hours, being completely in control of your life, etc. Certain things are unacceptable: treating your roommate badly, disrespecting the living space, etc.</p>

<p>Chances are, when your children left home and went to college, they adapted to the new norms of their environment, and changed their behavior accordingly. You can’t expect them to magically switch back without clearly delineating what’s acceptable in your home and what is not. Without any boundaries, they’ll treat your house as they would a dorm, which is what it kind of sounds like they’re doing.</p>

<p>Also, making it seem more like a business deal (while it may feel weird to you) is a really good way to clearly lay out your expectations. In return for room and board, they are expected to do x y and z around the house, abide by your rules without questioning, etc. If they don’t like it then they can find a different living situation, pay their own rent, and act how they want.</p>

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<p>Mine walked into the house and started cleaning the kitchen. He’d brought home a duffel bag filled with clean clothes… he’s done his laundry a couple of times since he got here, and didn’t leave the clothes in the dryer like he used to (which I attribute to dorm laundry conditioning).</p>

<p>He sleeps in very, very late every day. Doesn’t bother me because I like to do the same and I’ve been on vacation for the holidays. If I didn’t cook, he’d probably live on potato chips – I like to cook and he’s willing to clean if asked, so it works out ok.</p>

<p>His friends are mostly college friends – not many real friends here, and they don’t come to the house. He’s making lunch and dinner arrangements with a few old friends next week. I’ve asked him to let me know in advance if he wants the car so that we can coordinate things together.</p>

<p>We never talked about house rules – we’ve just negotiated things as they came up, as if he were my adult roommate. Not much has come up. Really, the biggest problem he and I have had is some disagreement over how to play Smash Brothers as a team.</p>

<p>Next week could be more challenging, as I’m going back to work and he’s not. If he wants to use the car, he’ll have to change his sleep schedule dramatically.</p>

<p>Speaking of the car, momma-three, how are your kiddos getting hold of the keys if you don’t want them driving? That one should be a no-brainer. I would also make it clear that there will be no more parties at the house, especially not parent-funded ones! </p>

<p>How are you handling it now? Are you seething inside and trying to hold it together until they leave? If so, I’d say it’s time for a family meeting. When you and your husband can approach it in a calm and businesslike manner, call the kiddos together and explain that when adults live together, they treat one another and the common property with respect. Then explain what that means, from doing the laundry to putting the seat down to wiping one’s shoes before entering. Point out any recent visits from other adult friends or relatives as examples. And emphasize that you consider them to be adults now, and fully capable of extending these simple courtesies when they are guests in your home.</p>

<p>I’m betting it just hasn’t occurred to them that they’re not children coming home to Mommy any more.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>Poor momma_three hasn’t been back to her thread. She’s either exhausted from the cleaning, or she’s busy changing the locks.</p>

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<p>Hi there mom2collegekids—I laughed when I read your post above and yes I am exhausted from cleaning and have considered changing the locks LOL. As of yesterday two middle kids were sick (probably from lack of rest) and were home all day without any friends, thank goodness. We are counting the days for the three oldest to go back and I wonder how things will work out for the next two weeks that I am back to work in the home office. I am meeting with several clients today so I am hoping for some quiet in the house.
As far as the the three oldest go I am really concerned that they have forgotten how we have raised them. There are too many of them and when we tell one something the others say “here they go again”. My husband and I must sound like we have gone senile because we are repeating ourselves all the time.</p>

<p>My husband and I have laid down the rules so many times that we are beginning to think they all need to have their ears checked. They have either all suffered some hearing loss or forgot that their mother is a clean freak. We have never even worn shoes in the house, no less mud encrusted shoes from the backyard. </p>

<p>The two middle kids will not be home this summer, and I am not sure if this makes the transition to coming home later better or worse. It seems the longer they are away the more they forget how we keep our home and what it takes to have a nice home. The kids think we are unreasonable and we think they are slobs. How could kids who were always dressed with pressed clothes and a spotless house become slobs? When we are all up this morning we will talk…again. </p>

<p>For the poster who asked why my screen name is three when I have four—I used this name on another blog and four was taken already. </p>

<p>Good news for those that have been following my thread about my daughter…she earned high honors this semester which is another step in her return to being herself. She will be home as long as it takes to get herself together (at least she does her laundry, cleans the car, and puts things away after she uses them.) She is so proud of herself, not just for the grades but for the progress she has made. Again, thanks to all of you with some excellent advice. I am seeing such wonderful progress.</p>

<p>Back to the sons:
I wanted to send them all back this weekend but two can’t go back and oldest has an interview for a job. The two middle ones are on a constant whirlwind. They get up early, eat breakfast, do either work for their campus jobs or search for internships. They work out then go skiing, and then are back in time to invite some of their friends to our home. Then there are the days we make dinner for 6 and it is only 3 at the table. Are we just getting too old for this craziness? I don’t think so, I think we just expect our kids to be as wonderful to us as we have been to them. We have done so much to make their lives as good as possible and it has not been easy to split ourselves and our finances to make it all happen. I hope they know that they have been lucky to have parents that made choices in their spending with them in mind and all we want in return is for them to take their dirty shoes off. get their laundry done and clean the bathrooms and counter tops. We could all be happy if they only did those things. I love them and their friends but I need notice and they can’t have friends here while I work, their voices travel.</p>

<p>When I read about all these kids who sleep all day I shake my head and say what are they talking about. Mine do not sleep, infact, they don’t stop moving. They always have something going on…exhausting to be around.</p>

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<p>I understand why this bothers you but I think in just a few years you will long for this chaos and remember it fondly. Our house is too quiet.</p>

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<p>Like Dr. Phil always says, you have to find the child’s currency. And, it this case it seems to be things like access to cars. It may also be snacks and sodas for friends and them (stop buying them).</p>

<p>We would take back all car keys.</p>

<p>Then we (H and I) would say, “these car keys are a privilege. You’ll have access to them AFTER you do <strong><em>, </em></strong><em>, & </em>_. When you return home, you’ll return them. You’ll get them back after you do the next day’s chores.” Who cares if they say, “here they go again,” at that point? You’ll be back in the driver’s seat! :)</p>

<p>When the kids say, “here they go again,” they are employing a technique to get you to stop asking. They know that it annoys you to hear that, so they hope you’ll stop asking so that you won’t have to hear that response anymore.</p>