<p>I have read every one of these posts looking for some enlightenment. My Eagle Scout, College Prep, Catholic-raised son has morphed into someone I don’t recognize. We found condoms and marijuana in his room, he “borrowed” our credit card and bought everything from flowers to clothing and just refuses to be polite, apologize for his behavior and is generally surly. After his similar behavior over Thanksgiving we asked him to sign a “contract” for behavior expectations when he came home for Christmas, which he did, but has broken all of the rules. We are paying his tuition and I have suggested cutting him off in a “tough love” measure, but my husband thinks that will backfire. We have always had rules and I always thought I was a good parent, but now I think I have somehow failed. Any advice?</p>
<p>Rules are of no use unless they are enforced. Kids figure that out pretty quickly.</p>
<p>At some point, you have to teach them that there are indeed consequences for their actions and decisions. Better you enforce the rules than the local law enforcemnent and have a permanent blemish on his record.</p>
<p>In most cases I know of where the kids are out of control, the parents are NOT on the same page. They are either divorced, seperated or simply won’t agree on dicipline. To me, that’s the root of the problem.</p>
<p>If my wife and I have a disagreement of how to dicipline a child (rarely), we settle it behind closed doors before the child ever learns what their dicipline will be. </p>
<p>But you have to teach them at a very early age that no, you are NOT kidding.</p>
<p>It only gets tougher the older they get and the longer they get away with little transgressions.</p>
<p>John.</p>
<p>Tigerma, you have a son who was raised with a lot of boundaries (similar to mine) and now the pendulum is swinging the other way. It’s scary, and yet you do have to continue to set boundaries. My DH and I discovered that once we no longer worried about our 18+ son’s threats to “leave” if we didn’t like how he was behaving, he actually had more respect for us. There are only so many friends who will let your kid crash endlessly at their house. Sooner or later, they do want to be back in the fold and treated as an adult. If they don’t act like adults, they don’t get treated that way. I feel for you and wish you the best.</p>
<p>Tigerma, I also feel for you and wish your family the best. I think what you’re seeing with your son is more common than you know, particularly when they’ve gone to a school with lots of boundaries as a previous poster stated. </p>
<p>I’ve seen the same thing with friends of my daughter who attended the all boy Catholic high school where we live. The first thing most of them did when they got to college was grow their hair long, just because they now could.</p>
<p>Not having a son, I don’t have any suggestions for coping with this sort of rebellion but perhaps try talking to parents of some of the boys he went to high school with who might be a few years older to see what their experience has been.</p>
<p>The condoms would not concern me, at least he is using them. I would not want them out in the open or found used, but I would be relieved to know that if he is engaged in sexual activity, he is protected. </p>
<p>Tigermom, I am sorry that your son is feeling entitled to your credit card, but you need to stop that and stop it now. He needs to be aware that this sort of behavior is what could get him into trouble with the law. I am sure you have gone through all of that already with him. I am complaining about messy kids and, now I realize that mess is just mess and eventually they will be able to mess their own homes up. The activity you mentioned would have me crazed and you can not put up with that sort of behavior. Set some firm rules regarding his behavior. You may want to read my other post regarding my daughter. It is not to late to undue the new behaviors and stop them in their tracks. You may want to also find out if he is in some sort of touble emotionally that is leading to the pot smoking and the “borrowing of credit cards”. I think the credit card thing is probably the most concerning. How did he do this semester? Did his grades reflect his new behaviors or did he hold it together? Will he talk to someone?</p>
<p>tigerma: I see two non-negotiable issues that in our household would not be tolerated-- the credit card stealing and bringing drugs into your home. If a college kid of ours couldn’t follow those two house rules, he or she would <em>not</em> be staying in our home during breaks, including summer breaks. They would also be required to pay back the full cc amount, including any interest. I would stick with day-visits only from the adult-child, and my money, valuables and cc’s would be literally locked away during the visit.</p>
<p>As for whether or not you continue to pay for his college tuition is probably left best left to whether or not he is continuing to pass his classes. I would make a connection between continuing to pay his tuition with the credit card stealing… such as not paying the tuition if he is not paying his debts back to you on schedule… or you can pay the tuition MINUS what he owes you so he has to scramble and pay the gap. Something along those lines.</p>
<p>And if things got bad enough, yes, I would even consider not paying any tuition at all. Where that line might be is for each individual family to decide. Whatever you do decide, make sure your husband is 100% on board, or it won’t work.</p>
<p>You probably can’t control your son’s behavior any longer. All you can control is your son’s access to your cc’s and whether or not to let him through your front door. Some tough love in some measured doses is probably needed, but you will have to have your husband leading the way. The time is long long long past the “sign a contract” stage with your son – your son has already made a mockery of it.</p>
<p>I suggest reading “The Manipulative Child” by Cotter and Swihart. You and your husband are parenting from a place of fear … the “if we don’t give our son what he wants he will hate us” (or the adult version of “hating” a parent which is flunking out of school, refusing to be successful and withdrawing contact so the parents worry 24/7). Your son knows what fear-buttons to push and is pushing them. You are also playing the reward/punishment game with your son… but he’s 18+ and kids outgrow the ability to be controlled that way. While the book I mentioned is generally for parenting younger children, the concepts are fairly universal. Be sure to check out the chapter on “blind spots” in parenting.</p>
<p>I agree with annikasorrensen regarding making a payment plan to return the money he took from using the credit card. I would have trouble paying the tuition at his school because I would be wondering what was going on that I did not know about. If what you know has you concerned, than it is possible there is alot more, that you don’t know about?</p>
<p>“I suggest reading “The Manipulative Child” by Cotter and Swihart. You and your husband are parenting from a place of fear … the “if we don’t give our son what he wants he will hate us” (or the adult version of “hating” a parent which is flunking out of school, refusing to be successful and withdrawing contact so the parents worry 24/7). Your son knows what fear-buttons to push and is pushing them. You are also playing the reward/punishment game with your son… but he’s 18+ and kids outgrow the ability to be controlled that way. While the book I mentioned is generally for parenting younger children, the concepts are fairly universal. Be sure to check out the chapter on “blind spots” in parenting…”</p>
<p>Some great advice there… </p>
<p>Maybe it’s just because I am a parent of teenagers now, but it seems like I see more and more (or just notice more and more) parents who are afraid of their kids. I hardly know what to say. Actually, I don’t say anything because it’s not my place to (unless they ask me) but I sure want to sometimes…</p>
<p>John.</p>
<p>I read all the posts and I have seen worrying signs of “taking parents and home for granted” in my teens. While it is nice to say that this should be taken care of or nipped in the bud when they are toddlers, my experience is that this is a constant project of parents as their kids go through different stages and each stage needs a different strategy. Part of the problem is that as teens they see other kids with no requirements in their home or go to college where they live as they like in squalor with no consequences. They lose their sensitivity to “helping mommy” strategy of young childhood or “lose your allowance/curfew restriction” sensitivity of the tween years. </p>
<p>Someone suggested guilt…some talked about taking away privileges. Guilt–never seems to work. Privileges…well, sometimes you need th me to have the car, sometimes you want them to leave, hard to be consistent with four of them, etc…I have found one pretty good system for the teen-young adult-embarrassment and humiliation.</p>
<p>OK…they come over with their friends and have dinner or get snacks, etc. I ask them and their friends to please help–set table, take out garbage, clean up…etc…my kids die a thousand deaths that I ask their friends to work in our home but their friends almost unanimously jump to their feet to help and do it with enthusiasm…next day or visit, my kids generally try to get out in front and help before I conscript their friends. Similarly, girlfriend/boyfriend comes over…I say to her/him, S or D is running a little behind but needs to do laundry before leaving…would you mind getting S/D on task because otherwise ya’ll are going to miss the movie…humiliation…fantastic motivator although has lead to some tears and tantrums (AFTER FRIEND OR BOYFRIEND LEAVES) the risk of a repeat “my mother is ruining my life moment” has been tremendously motivating. The nice thing about this strategy is that it is done on an incident/kid unique situation yet you are not yelling or being vindictive or the martyred mother…I always ask sweetly for the completion of a moderate task, with plenty of time to respond, so as not to be accused of being crazed clean freak mom. Generally, after a couple of these moments, I get “volunteers” on a more consistent basis. Drawing in the car privileges is the tough part…again, I would attempt announcing your expectations in front of friends --“please have the car back by X oClock…or , please fill the tank before your return, …”. About work…“Please be considerate of my work environment and be as quiet and orderly as possible so as not to disturb my clients”…Again…say this to their friends, significant others, and in front of your clients…looking like a doormat is not good for business either.
GOOD LUCK!</p>
<p>My mom made life at home so unpleasant (not unloving, but unpleasant) for all 5 of us kids that NONE of us saw returning home while at college an option. We all stayed on campus during every break and attended summer school. Each one of us, when we left for college, left home for good.</p>
<p>My mom is a brilliant woman. ;)</p>
<p>John.</p>
<p>^^^not so sure about that, John. Our kid has a job lined up in another state for after graduation in May, but he shows every indication of liking us and this home when he is here. I’m going to assume that part of your post was light hearted.</p>
<p>*I have read every one of these posts looking for some enlightenment. My Eagle Scout, College Prep, Catholic-raised son has morphed into someone I don’t recognize. We found condoms and marijuana in his room, he “borrowed” our credit card and bought everything from flowers to clothing and just refuses to be polite, apologize for his behavior and is generally surly. After his similar behavior over Thanksgiving we asked him to sign a “contract” for behavior expectations when he came home for Christmas, which he did, but has broken all of the rules. We are paying his tuition and I have suggested cutting him off in a “tough love” measure, but my husband thinks that will backfire. We have always had rules and I always thought I was a good parent, but now I think I have somehow failed. Any advice? *</p>
<p>You had your son sign a contract, but what was in the contract in regards to consequences if he broke the contract. If there wasn’t anything, what was his incentive to keep it? He probably thought he was just “shutting you up” by signing it.</p>
<p>Were there any consequences for breaking the contract.</p>
<p>The drugs and credit card use is outrageous. (I hope you’ve gotten new cards with new numbers). The fact that the condoms were in your home (as opposed to at his dorm) would concern me because it suggests that he’s just looking for casual hookups while he’s home for the holidays, rather than having sex with a girlfriend. I realize that many kids have casual hookups, but I still find them rather inexcusable.</p>
<p>Mafool, PM sent…</p>
<p>John.</p>