Asian Parents Frenzy

Parents Forum
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Asian parents may set high bars for their kids, but I have never seen any of them disowning or talk negatively about their kids.

I want to give you an example:
My mother likes to tell me “In Chinese tradition, it is bad luck to have house number with 4s in it. It is not good to have a house below the street level. It is bad to have a house at the end of T intersection.” She could go on and on about all the bad luck stuff.
I asked my mom what if I had no choice but to buy one of those houses. She said, “It is ok, as long as you don’t know those bad luck stuff.”

What she is saying is that we could have a lot of dos and don’ts, but if you can’t achieve them then it is ok too. Same with getting into the best college and getting the best job.

My brother told all of us that his sons would get an MBA, and only from name brand schools or else it is worthless. Well, his older son is having trouble with getting good GMAT scores. Now my brother is saying it is not necessary to have MBA to have a good career. He still loves his son and he is still proud of him.

OP - you may think your parents are going to be disappointed in you if you don’t get into a top college, but I bet you they will be just as proud of you no matter what and love you just the same.

BTW - and if you think American parents have less expectation of their kids and put less pressure on their kids, hmmm, no. They are just more PC about it. They say they do not care as long as their kids are happy, there is world peace, and all colleges are the same, it doesn’t matter what college you go to it is what you of it, and they are just blowing happy sunshine up you know what. But they still feel the same as Asian parents and their kids still feel the same pressure.

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Part of the reason that parents go crazy with the over-scheduling, tutoring, etc. is that it works. If the goal is to get your kids into Harvard or Stanford that is the route that works for many Asian kids. I see plenty of empirical evidence - the kids who are now attending those schools are either hooked or massively over-scheduled.

Obviously that causes a lot of stress for some kids. But for other it works and becomes normal and they become bored and depressed without a lot of things to do. Being America we have plenty of choices for everyone.

Americans have their own version of this behavior - called sports. High school teams, travel teams, private teams, high schools specifically designed for hockey, basketball, and football, swim programs, running programs etc. etc. They get just as crazy about sports as Asians do about academics. My occidental in-laws travel every weekend all over the eastern USA for hockey and Lacrosse on travel teams. Their kids are in heavy academic programs too. So don’t think it is just an Asian phenomenon.

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@guamboy It’s dangerous to generalize here. My own parents never put any pressure on me to study; in fact, they told me the most important thing is my health. As a result, I skipped my high school 40% of time and still managed to get into a good college. I myself told my kid he doesn’t have to go to college if he doesn’t want to and that I would be just as happy if he ended up at top 200 college instead of top 5 college. My wife and I told him all the time the most important thing is to take a variety of courses and find what he likes to do because he should do something he enjoys in his life. I even told my kid do not put that much pressure to do well in college just because he’s a full pay; and I even told him that he has an alternative route of going to a college at full ride plus and take courses without trying to do get high gpa. I myself do not believe high gpa leads to success, not the kind of success that I would want for my kid.

I rather see my kid working as a pizza delivery person and be happy rather than work as a doctor, make a lot more money and be miserable. But here is the catch: If he’s going to be a pizza delivery person, I would encourage my kid to be the “best” pizza delivery person there is and parlay that skill to some business venture down the road. The fastest route to finding a success is leading a kid to do something because he or she wants to do it for himself, not because he feels his parents want him to go certain direction.

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This is the sort of infuriating unqualified generalization that threads like this inevitably provoke. Asians, parents or otherwise, are not a monolith. They’re as diverse in approaches and beliefs as any other group. Moreso, in fact, since Asia includes cultures as diverse as Japan and Pakistan, Bahrain and Laos, Israel and Philippines.

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Hey Guamboy,

I understand that your Asian Parents are putting a big burden on you to get to an IVY LEAGUE UNIVERSITY. I use to feel this huge burden from both my Mom and my Dad when I was in High School and college, so I know what it’s like. It translates to extreme anxiety, fear of being disowned by your family if you flunk out or get disqualified from college.

It’s an extremely bad feeling, but you have to understand it’s coming from a place of CARING FOR YOUR SUCCESS.

The reason why they’re putting pressure on your social life, hiring 1000s of tutors, is because they want you to become successful in the real world after you get into and graduate from college.

Life after college will be different in that you’ll be working the 8 AM to 5 PM, Monday to Friday most likely making a very handsomely paid wage.

Of course your wage will depend on your education including other factors as well.

Because they don’t have college degrees, they might be having financial difficulties in making money and don’t want you to succumb to the same fate.

It all comes down to FINANCIAL SECURITY AND MONEY.

People go to college with the hopes that their income will be drastically better than other people who don’t have a degree.

As far as your parents go, it’s an Asian cultural thing, but like I said, it’s coming from a good place.

What would happen if you were born with parents that didn’t care?

What if your parents just said, do whatever you want after high school, your free to do whatever you wish?

What would happen?

What career path would you choose?

I’m not defending your parents bad behavior, but talk to them about also being realistic.

Getting into an IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL is not guaranteed. It’s extremely tough to get in and for them to make it seem like it’s a piece of cake is nonsense.

Consider yourself lucky that you were born with Parents the CARE ABOUT YOUR SUCCESS.

Your Buddy,
Omar

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I’m an American. My husband is India. The college process has been…challenging.

I think that the pressure comes from three places - love, lack of full knowledge, desire for a secure future for the child.

Most people are not aware of the depth of American colleges and universities - they have heard of 10-12 so those are the only ones they think are worth anything, (It is not the entire Ivy League btw - just ask them about Brown…most likely never heard of it!)

Once my husband did his own research - things got better.

You also need to convince them you can get a good job from the schools you are interested in. Talk about internships, job office, placements, etc…

They love you - they just show it in a different way.

This too shall pass!

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To all kids. If you really believe your parents are telling you to do something that will make you unhappy or you don’t want to go towards certain direction, be ready to explain to your parents the reason and show you are firm about this. Don’t be chicken or be afraid to disappoint your parents. Your parents will admire you for it even if they are somewhat disappointed. Therefore, don’t try to blame your parents because ultimately it’s your life. But at the same time, try to find out why your parents feel certain way so that they feel that you have taken into account their perspectives.

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This is another stereotype of Asian and Asian parents. My circle of Asian parents, myself incuded, are all quite enlighened when it comes to their children’s college application. I always tell my children I am perfectly happy if they go to Rutgers, or even a community college. It is my children who gave themselves a lot of pressure. It is mostly their self-motivation that landed them at some very good collegges. My Asian friends in Maryland are all very happy their children got into U. of Maryland. When they leanred that my children go to some very selective private colleges, they only pity me for the amount of money I have shell out for the privilege. Do Asian parents emphasize more on education than the general population? Definitely true. Are they all tigher moms and dads who make their children’s lives miserable? Absolutely not!

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Nice humblebrag, @hzhao2004. FYI, UM (College Park) is extremely competitive for HS graduates from suburban MD, and a terrific value. I know a number of parents (Asians too) who live in those affluent, highly educated communities, that were happy and proud to send their kids to College Park.

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@Twicer I guess it is subconscious. :wink: I don’t know much about the situation in Maryland. In New Jersey, it is kind of unloved by Jersey kids.

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This is not an Asian issue–it is an “immigrant striver” issue. The same thing was observable in Jewish immigrant families in the past, and it’s observable in immigrants from non-Asian countries (such as many Africans) as well. I think the issue may be exacerbated in people who grew up in countries where specific tests, and admission to specific colleges really did determine your fate. This focus on high-stakes testing also leads to the idea that the key to success is “studying,” which isn’t really the case if what you’re trying to get is admission to selective U.S. colleges. I share the view expressed by others that this situation will improve as parents understand the educational culture of the United States better.

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There are Non-Asian Americans who are also intense Tiger parents that I personally knew of while growing up in a former working class NYC neighborhood.

One elementary school classmate from a Latino family(Puerto Rican) had a father who had a 20 year career as a US Marine from the time he enlisted in the late '40s at 17 with a 10th grade level education* till he retired sometime in the early-mid '70s as a Korea/Vietnam Vet and a stint as a Marine drill instructor.

He was obsessed from early elementary school in preparing his son to not only follow in his footsteps as a Marine, but to attend Annapolis so he could be a USNA graduate Marine Officer.

This extended to expecting his third grade son to keeping his room organized to the level expected by US Federal Service Academy cadets as some HS classmates and one older cousin recounted from the Service Academies and if he was found to have misbehaved in school as happened a few times, punish him like a recalcitrant Marine boot camp recruit by having him do push ups and other “PT them to death” type exercises in a public park in clear view of other classmates/public.

To say this father was disappointed when he found his son was rejected by all the Service academies** despite the fact he earned a full Army ROTC scholarship to a local private U which made attending it completely free would be a great understatement. Said father was actually angry at his son’s “inexcusable performance” and it was a major factor in the son breaking off all contact with the father not too long after he graduated and received his commission as an Army infantry officer.

  • Had to drop out to work to support family and younger siblings.

** Said father refused to acknowledge the fact Federal Service Academy admissions had become as competitive as the Ivy/elite colleges when his son and I were applying to colleges during the mid-'90s.

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I came to the U.S. from Korea after my education, and know several like me. Most of them I know are engineers with relatively comfortable income, but are not affluent. Private college tuition would be the biggest life time spending but they are willing to pay it by refinancing house if necessary, which usually is. We are all supportive to our children’s education, and provide supports as best as we can (or as much as we can afford). None that I know is ignorant to U.S. college admission system or has delusions on IVY admission even though we may dream it, because we study and talk a lot to learn the system as best as we can. We support EC where the kids have interest since it is necessary for admission, support social life because good performance comes from healthy mind and body. Most of us also support boy/girl friends as long as it’s severely detrimental to school life and academic performance because we don’t want our kids to be the lonely one.

Also, everyone I know are horrified to even imagine our kids to get a job in Korea after college, or even a job in a Korean company in the U.S. We prefer U.S. work culture and that’s why we live here and not in Korea.

I push my child to work as hard as she can, in terms of effort and concentration rather than time she spends. Sometimes she appreciate it. Sometimes she doesn’t. I back off if she barks, because our brain can’t learn well if stressed. And I am always careful not to waste her time on studying unless it’s very useful or she enjoys it, and not to overdo it, unless she is motivated to do it and my support is appreciated.

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might just have to serve with all these schools denying me lol

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Except this stereotype is very frequently applied to Asian families in Asia as well. If it’s common among African immigrant families, that makes it even more disturbing, since it certainly hasn’t become a cultural stereotype for that group.

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Well, I think it’s more of a stereotype for Asians primarily because there are (at least where I’ve been) a lot more Asian professional immigrant families that fit this model than other groups. In my kids’ school, there were a couple of Africans who fit this model, but many more Asians. It may be different elsewhere, of course.

Plus, as far as I know, no African parent has written a highly publicized book touting this form of parenting, while an Asian parent did so.

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Yes, @Hunt , and boy does the Asian and Asian-American community hate Amy Chua, whose “parenting” methods are absolutely not representative, no matter how much she claims they are.

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My wife and I aren’t tiger parents by any means but we know plenty that are. we don’t hate Amy Chua or any tiger parents. The reality is her style is on the extreme end for here in the USA. But it’s perfectly normal in places like Taiwan etc. I wouldn’t doubt that many Asian parents use some form of her parenting methods.

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I live in Korea, @Jliu32472 , and Amy Chua’s style is not remotely “perfectly normal” here (I can’t speak for Taiwan, but none of my Taiwanese friends recognize themselves in her stories). Parents are far more involved here (typically) than most of the California parents I grew up around, but in my 15 years among the most intense education-oriented students and parents in Korea, examples like Chua are few and far between.

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I definitely can’t speak for Koreans. I can only speak of my experience with Chinese. I should of mentioned that. The category of Asians is just far too broad.