I am curious because my parents are both majority Asian from Asian countries and are now U.S. Citizens. However, they literally do not force me to do anything I wouldn’t want to (except stay fit and take out the trash). Even Academically, although I never got anything lower than an A, my brother has (he has even gotten C’s and D’s) and they simply don’t seem to care.
Is it better to have this kind of parents or super strict tiger parents? And your thoughts?
lol, I do. And I definitely don’t mind. Although if someone’s kid is getting lots of bad grades, maybe it’s time to step in and help.
I think a balance is the way to go. Its important to realize your child’s strengths and challenges. Not every kid is a STEM kid and that’s ok. Don’t push your kids and pressure them to excel in an area that they just don’t have the aptitude for. But on the other hand, its important to set expectations for your child that they must do their very best (which is different for each kid) and not be a slacker. I feel as if as a parent I’ve learned that at some point, its up to my children. I can teach them to value education, value hard work, have goals but by high school, the motivation has to be somewhat intrinsic.
Recently I was at social function talking with a very successful V.P. of a company. He is clearly a 1%er. He was telling me that the most successful people he has worked with during his long career are the B and C students. Although he was an A student, he shared with me that he only scored a 1200+ on his SAT back in the day. Interesting.
So I guess my conclusion is that there are so many factors that determine success (including a little luck) and that as a parent I try to give support and expectation but at the end of the day, I think there must be intrinsic motivation from the student.
Do I hear a potential essay topic here?
@sstsunami55
Yeah, I get that having not-strict parents can be a relief (since you don’t have much pressure), but don’t you ever feel like you could have reached higher and done more if you had strict parents pushing you?
What would you do to develop that intrinsic motivation in the kid?
I am currently working with a few underprivileged kids who don’t have much at home or at school and I want to know how to make them self-motivated so that when I have to leave that they will continue doing work on their own, but I am stuck as to how to do so.
@bjkmom Haha yeah, this could be a potential essay topic–I could write about how friends always think my parents are strict when they first met me, but when they come over to my house they realize that my parents are less strict than their own.
@vivman24 first step, realize you can’t “make” them, and that their success or failure is theirs, not yours. When you can do that, whether a parent, teacher, or other mentor, you can be there for them which is what actually makes the difference.
@NorthernMom61: Are you Asian? I ask because of your comment that you “can’t ‘make’ them”…I think the Asian ethos/upbringing is less about “making” someone do something and more about having helped shape a worldview where it is expected that they will do X (whether that is studying instead of socializing/playing video games/etc.).
@vivman24: I think there may be variations between Asian cultures. I happen to be from one of the more chill ones…and though I was born overseas was raised mostly here by parents who were professionals themselves, did not really know too much about American college culture. They had very high expectations for my brother and I, but were NOT “Harvard or nothing” at all. I did attend a non-HYP Ivy back in the day, but really because they pushed me into it.
I’m a parent of college age kids now, and I’d like to think I’m chill (for an Asian parent). Somewhere between a Tiger Dad and a Panda Dad. Though I’m sure mid kids’ friends think I’m fairly demanding/strict.
I married a white American, though, so perhaps some of the way we have approached child-rearing is a result of the mix of two cultures. My kids have always been honor-roll type, diligent students…so there wasn’t too much correcting that we ever had to do over the years. That said, I think if either of our kids had been in the C/D range, even my non-Asian wife would have flipped out.
@NorthernMom61 I don’t have much parenting experience since I am still a highschooler, but I want to know how to help these kids so that they will be able to be independent, graduate high school, and get the jobs that they want. Specifically, I want them to stay off the streets because I know that joining a gang will become their only alternative if they get transferred or have to drop out. It’s just that their parents, teachers, and mentors won’t always be around to help them out and I wanted to know if there was a way to make sure they can rely on themselves.
@SevenDad Yeah I don’t know exactly how my parents would react if I suddenly got a B or C on the report card because they probably would be surprised (at least a little bit). However, I’ve been able to help my brother help fix his mistakes during middle school and get rid of any bad habits (He loved watching youtube and playing League of Legends), and now he is a straight-A student as a freshman in HS playing on the JV bball team. So I am proud of him and how far he came, but my parents have never been demanding or expected me to go to HYSP and the sort. They are more like, if I say, “Hey Mom and Dad, I want to go to (Insert IVY Here).” Then they would be like, “cool”. Just like if I said, “Hey Mom and Dad, I want to go to community college.” They would respond the same way.
@SevenDad No I am not Asian. I was responding to @vivman24’s question more than to the OPs. There may be a separate topic growing here.
@vivman24 You don’t have to be a parent. What you are trying to do is very hard and very important. You have to build trusting relationships where these young people may never have had any or any good guidance. You have to offer to teach the self-sufficiency skills and tools that might help them bypass the more negative paths. There’s no magic answer. You try to help them one at a time.
I told my kids, “If you want to continue to enjoy the life style you have grown accustom to then you better work hard, because I am not going to continue to support it.” I think that hit home with them. An Asian parent here.
As Asian parents, we encouraged our 2 students to think for themselves, dream large, and set their own goals. We dropped out of parent teacher conferences sometime at the start of middle school, and encouraged our students to be self-advocates. We supported our students at home instead of back to school night. Both have done very well in elite college admissions.
Our only rule was to respect others and not hurt yourself, anything else was fine. I also believe that Anna Freud had it right when she said work is play. Enjoy what you do. Find what you want to spend the rest of your life on and how you want to contribute to the greater good. Your work is your play.
That said, there were times I envied the tiger parents whose kids when pushed excelled in music.
@NorthernMom61 How can I convince them that studying hard and doing well in school are keys to their future? And how should I respond if I meet disobedience when it comes to completing assignments that they’d promised they would do?
@oldfort That might have worked for children who have lived in relative privilege and wish to keep that privilege. It is good that your children feel that your house was comfortable. But how would I motivate underprivileged students?
@preppedparent Yeah my parents are supportive whichever path I take (provided that I don’t end up hurting myself or other people), and they value kindness over any other trait. Also, they take physical fitness quite seriously. I respect them for those standards and I am glad that I am self-motivated, but I wonder how much further I would’ve gone with parents who pushed me just a little bit further at each moment–at each time.
For example, I am a half-decent cello player at my school orchestra and it took me a solid year to establish a thorough practice schedule because of a lack of willpower (I took up the instrument of my own accord (and funded it with money made from my ebay account) but was too lazy to build a routine). However, I wonder, if my parents had forced me to adopt an instrument and made me practice, then wouldn’t I be a much better player?
The best parents to have are ones who love you viscerally. The rest will follow.
Can’t agree more with @ChoatieMom. I noticed that when I tell my kids I believe in them, when they are up against a challenge, how much and how brightly they shine. It’s much better than pushing and riding your kids.