Asked to leave BS

<p>Could the boarding school your son is in now, help place him in a school that may have an environment that will be better suited for him? Try to work with the school. I get the need to vent here, but be sure to work with them as allies in this process. Also, maybe summer school can help for next year? Maybe your son could repeat the year at his current school. How does he fit in this environment otherwise. Does he enjoy sports/arts etc?</p>

<p>If it is not a discipline problem, I am sure another boarding school will take him. Is his school currently a large or small size?</p>

<p>I am so sorry you are going through this. From the way you describe your s, I would not be surprised to discover that he has some sort of undiagnosed learning disability. While I think these schools are wonderful, Iā€™m not sure that most of them are experts on teaching kids who learn differently or who need additional supports or different kinds of teaching to learn. My brother was in a similar situation many years ago at a very high powered school and he spent the summer at Salisbury working on writing and other areas of difficulty. If your S is happy at this school, then maybe you could suggest this approach to the school as a possible solution. I think that being proactive about the issue will put you in a better position.</p>

<p>Liberty, sorry to hear your family is going through this. I understand your anger toward the school and it does seem like they didnā€™t do enough. I am pretty sure that the vast majority of BSā€™s have supports in place to assist first year students in the adjustment to the rigors of BS. The first year is tough for them since they are adjusting to being away from home and everything else that goes with managing BS life. So to me something just isnā€™t right here.</p>

<p>The most surprising thing to me is the lack of communication from his advisor. I remember when 2 of my childā€™sā€™ grades slipped from an A to a B+ from one trimester to the next, we got a e-mail from the advisor saying that he observed that my child was no longer utilizing the library, but was doing homework in a common room with friends. He said he would talk to my child about it and asked us to do the same. The first year the advisor is key in helping them to set goals and get on the right track. I also think that since your son had no history of academic problems, these type of issues would not have been on your radar screen. With your son away it would be very difficult for you to do anything but provide the resources to support any plan the school put in place. Seems like they didnā€™t have one.</p>

<p>My older D spent sophomore year slowly academically crashing at BS as a new boarder. Although some supports were in place at the school, they were not enough, and she was ā€œnot invited to returnā€ after being on probation spring term (2 Ds, 2Cs,2As). She had good friends at BS and is a friendly, social kid with strong ECs, but the stress of not being able to keep up with the academic work was accumulating. </p>

<p>She was unhappy to leave BS, but returned to our local public where she had been an honor student in 9th grade and pulled herself together with a few bumps along the way, is going to her first choice college and attributes the difficulties at BS to not being mature enough to handle being away from home in 10th grade. </p>

<p>My personal opinion is that the school was not invested in keeping her there when it became apparent it would take a considerable amount of effort to support her academically, and they just chose to go with another student in her place. Five other members of her class were also ā€œnot invited to returnā€ that she knows of. </p>

<p>It is rough watching your child fail, and I have sympathy for the parent describing the process their family is going through. But, in the end, it was better for my D to leave and find success in a different setting - sometimes BS is just not the right place at the right time.</p>

<p>Contacting educational consultant might be helpful. You do have options if you want to consider changing schools for next year, but you will have to begin the process very quickly. There are a number of boarding schools (not often mentioned on this board - hidden gems) that will take a student over the summer that has been struggling in another environment. It sounds like your current school isnā€™t a good fit. Boys schools such as Salisbury and Avon understand boys and study habits and having learning centers to support them if necessary. They are great schools and I personally know 2 boys that transferred during the summer to one of these schools after having a similar situation at Westminster and St. Andrewā€™s. They are now thriving with the right support and have not looked back. You also have the option of repeating his freshman year if you want. There are schools out there that expect a second wave of admissions at the end of the year and often a full pay student like yours will get a spot over the summer.</p>

<p>Thank you all. He is going to be tested early next week. I can tell many of the parents who stated that these schools ā€œarenā€™t equipped to handle learning differencesā€ that if thatā€™s what they are going to hang their expert hat on ā€¦itā€™s a poor excuse! Iā€™m sure this has occurred before and should be recognized. Rather than stating at the orientation ( to avoid frantic calls from helicopter parents) do not get too upset at Cā€™s since with time these grades turn into Bā€™s, they should have there eyes and ears and minds open to what happened to a child like mine. I sent them a well mannered child with high integrity ( all the teachers ā€œloved himā€ even Received a worthless award for not getting a single demerit throughout the year) We did not get anything back in return! One poster received a call when grades went from A to B+ from their advisor! That alone tells me we received the short end of the stick! ( and for those parents just tuning inā€¦ I have placed blame on my son in terms of time management in the first six weeks but I will not repeat myself regarding what Iā€™ve already stated ). The poster who Suggested Salisbury over the summerā€¦ It sounds like a great idea. Is the program geared toward study skills, time management, Specific courses ( math or English?).</p>

<p>@liberty55- Salisbury is a fantastic school! I know several boys there and they are delightful kids. Their parents are thrilled with the school, too. I think youā€™ll be very impressed and like what you see. Definitely check out their website and good luck with the testing next week!</p>

<p>One final thoughtā€¦ I happen to be a physician and will draw on an analogy.
Although not nearly as serious ( THANK GOD)ā€¦when a patient or a family member is given a serious diagnosisā€¦ The patient or family is numb! They canā€™t even focus to tell you what the correct time is. I not only spend time with the patient and family but I give options and put in place those options so that the ā€œballā€ can get rolling. I do not tell them ā€¦you have a serious diseaseā€¦ Iā€™m not equipped to operate on youā€¦ Go to your primary care doctor and Iā€™m sure you will find a suitable specialist to treat you. I either treat the problem or if beyond my scope make an appointment ( at least to hear another opinion) at the proper physician for treatment! We were left out in the cold and were not told where to go or what to do! We initiated the first meeting in Jan and it was there that testing was first entertained ( not highly recommended or demanded). You can imagineā€¦ If a patient called a meeting with me and at that meeting I told the patientā€¦ Maybe you have cancer and should have your colon removed. As a patient ( parent) youā€™d say ā€¦ Wait a second ā€¦ I called this meeting and as a result you are suggesting something that you would have called a meeting for! So because the meeting did not occur that way and the testing of our S was never before suggested and was not Strongly being suggested in Jan ā€¦ we did not act on it ( call it denial whatever ā€¦ It wasnā€™t a demand and it came from the discussion we initiated). Do you still allow the child to continue to circle the drain and obtain terrible gradesā€¦ Shouldnā€™t they intervene to help him get better gradesā€¦ Even if it means to be not invited back? What kind of institution is this?</p>

<p>Salisbury does have a summer school that has been around for a very long time, but I was actually suggesting you take a look now for next year. Salisbury has a learning center, understand boys and different learning styles and offers the same type of challenging curriculum you will find at other schools. You can have your child supported in the learning center in a range of things - tutoring, organizational skills, time management, etcā€¦ About 25% of the student body formally take advantage of it at some point during their time on campus. You sign up for the center at the begin of a term for an extra cost and then sessions are built into your childā€™s schedule depending on need. The academics are very strong (a number of AP courses, etc.) and they also have different levels in some classes to support boys who need it. Many boys go on to very well known colleges and receive an excellent education. Your son will not fall through the cracks at Salisbury. The faculty is very hands on. They know every boy on campus and their strengths and weakness. It is an amazing place for young men to grow and mature into gentlemen while getting a top notch education.</p>

<p>Dear Liberty55, </p>

<p>You raised the comparison to your work as a doctor. You must have learned the stages of grief. Youā€™re in the anger stage right now, having passed through denial. Next comes bargaining, depression, then acceptance? </p>

<p>I know it is hard, but anger is not productive. It is hard for schools to admit there are some things they canā€™t do. The top schools are academic hothouses. You yourself noted how advanced the schoolā€™s freshman science course was. Your son may well have the potential to function at the very highest levels, but right now, he has to discover his strengths and weaknesses; he must learn strategies which will allow him to thrive in demanding academic environments. </p>

<p>It sounds as if you have been totally blindsided by these developments, but consider that some families know their children have learning challenges before they apply to prep schoolsā€“but donā€™t tell the schools. A certain number of incoming students at every school will need support, but the schools canā€™t plan for it, because no one will admit to it. </p>

<p>The exceptions to this rule are the schools which admit they have support for learning differences. [Learning</a> Differences LD Boarding Schools | BoardingSchoolReview.com](<a href=ā€œhttp://www.boardingschoolreview.com/ld-boarding-schools.php]Learningā€>Best Learning Differences Boarding Schools (2023)) Tilton School, Salisbury School, The Webb School, The Hun School of Princeton, and Proctor Academy are all on the list. (There are other good schools on the listā€“perhaps posters can chime in with opinions.) A couple of friends have children at these schools, and the admission process is very different. As they can speak openly about learning differences, the schools ask forā€“and getā€“the kidsā€™ ā€œtesting,ā€ i.e. neuropsych testing data. The schools can talk with the families about whether or not they can support their childrenā€™s learning styles.</p>

<p>Chelsea1 gave you very good advice. Your son could begin again as a freshman at another boarding school. He might have a great outcome, if the school knows about his learning style, and is able to support it. Depending on the outcome of testing, it is unlikely a summer course will effect a transformation in study skills. Years of work in the right school might.</p>

<p>You are not alone; I guarantee you other parents are facing the same problem. There are schools which do receive applications from students who encountered serious academic difficulties at their previous schools.</p>

<p>Thank you all again! Yes blindsided is the correct descriptive term! I was afraid that one of the posters would bring up the stages of acceptance ( thank you Sigmund ā€¦ Lol) . And it wasnā€™t comparing my work to his educational woes. It was a comparison if service which should come with the school and the high price tag! I received better recommendations in the last three hours from CC than from BS! Stop with the analysis ! I am not angry just upset that the urgency of a problem ( with a viable solution and help getting that solution ) was not given.</p>

<p>Liberty, do you actually have an understanding at this point in time as to what the academic problem is? From the posts I cannot determine whether this is an actual learning difference or just a student adjusting to BS who may also have some time management issues. Time managment is the most difficult skill for many BS students to master; their schedules are jammed packed and there is also social pressure to find their group of friends.</p>

<p>If you are coming out of this year with an understanding of what your son might need to succeed academically, then I would say it wasnā€™t a wasted year. But if you are leaving the school and they have not assisted you in identifying the root of the problem, then yes, I think your anger is justified. Wouldnā€™t a bona fide learning difference exhibit itself before 9th grade?</p>

<p>I completely get why you are feeling blindsided and angry. The money, time, and emotional energy wasted on a school that could not meet your child where he was and was slow to recognize it; the lack of communication from the adviser; and most importantly, the worry about what this will do to your kid who went in to school a happy, self-confident young man and will almost certainly leave filled with an unhealthy amount of self-doubt, sadness, and guilt. </p>

<p>As my kid has moved through a high-tier boarding school, Iā€™ve begun to see the whole endeavor as a gamble. Teens are teens, and we donā€™t really know, when they are 13 or 14, what struggles are ahead for them. Their bodies and brains are changing so enormously. They are natural risk takers who can make simple, unthinking, stupid mistakes. They can get enormously stressed and, under duress, make a bad choice. All of these things can lead to consequences that are generally way more serious than theyā€™d face at home, from bad grades to losing face in a tight knit community to getting the boot from a place they love. The rewards are tremendous; the losses are brutal. </p>

<p>If I could afford it, Iā€™d definitely go the educational consultant, new boarding school route. Even though I couldnā€™t afford it, Iā€™d do anything in my power to keep my kid from going back to his former school, particularly into classes that are lower academically. Itā€™s going to be hard for your son anyway, but it seems to me that the whole thing might best be salvaged with him as an incredibly bad fit. Which is what it was, though you had no way of knowing that going in. </p>

<p>I know this kind of ā€œcount your blessingsā€ talk is probably not what you want to hear right now, but in the past 24 hours, one of my dear friends just found out that her bright, well-loved 20 year old son was hospitalized for meth use this week-end and another family of a 15 year old just found out that she has an irreparably damaged heart. So, if it helps, count your blessingsā€¦but my heart goes out to you. Thereā€™s nothing worse than anticipating the hurt of a child.</p>

<p>@HarvestMoon1,

</p>

<p>Some students with high IQs manage to function very well, until the material becomes too complex, and the workload too much. See:

@liberty55, one more thought. It may also be that the previous school system did not prepare your son adequately for high school level math and science subjects. Different states have different standards. Your earlier posts mentioned difficulty in biology and geometry. If nothing shows up in the testing, he might have a ā€œholeā€ in his earlier education which makes it difficult to learn more math. There are online math programs which use automated diagnostic programs to pinpoint a studentā€™s current level. Over the summer, your son could try either Aleks.com or Khanacademy.org, to remediate any topics he either did not fully master in earlier grades, or which were not taught to the expected standards. (Private schools in this area are often a year ahead of public schools in the same town.)</p>

<p>In reply to your Salisbury question - I believe my brother took English/writing classes at summer school there. It turned out that he had a language processing based learning disability that made it difficult to write effectively and made learning foreign languages very tough.</p>

<p>@liberty55: Did you send in the contract along with a deposit last March, or did the school put your sonā€™s enrollment for next year on hold pending final grades?</p>

<p>I went to boarding school and am now a parent of two teenage boys. A student who suddenly crashes academically in high school is very likely to have exec functioning, processing disabilities. Also 14 is really young to be away from home. No matter what the school says about personal attention, a student must be able to be a self starter and independent. Thatā€™s a a lot to ask of a 14 year old boy. He may just have been too young to handle all of this on his own, with learning issues tacked on.</p>

<p>@ Photographer M
Curious you brought up the contract. When the dean of the academic committee first touched upon " Maybe the school is not the right ā€œfitā€ for my S because of academic difficulties it was in mid-March and we were told not to fixate on this. The contract we received around the same time and was due with a 10% non refundable deposit (>5k) by April 1st. I asked what I should do. I stated that I didnā€™t want to lose the deposit if I sent in the contract with the money. The Dean said that he was 95% positive the deposit would be refundable . I asked him to check and see. What he came back with was to send in the contract without the deposit since it would NOT be refundable. If the committee votes to allow my S to return based on his finals, teachers assessment etc, then I could send in the deposit. We called the committee telling the dean the testing is slated for M/T/F of this week. ( he just returned home May 31st). The dean stated the committee is meeting on June 6th prior to the testing being completed . When I told him this he stated it takes " weeks to get the results. I was taken back by this since I immediately called the education psychologist office and they stated the results would be available the Tuesday after the exam is completed . I called back the Academic Dean and I informed him of the above. He stated he would take that into consideration. I couldnā€™t believe the disparity regarding the above. Doesnā€™t he know about this type of testing. After all he himself recommended ( along with the school psychologist ) the testing in the first place!
To answer another posterā€™s question. My son went to public school on Long Island. He received a 96 on the NY state algebra regents last year. And youā€™d think that some firm of LD would have been uncovered prior to 9th. Grade.</p>

<p>liberty55 ā€“ Actually, itā€™s not so unusual for a LD to not be discovered until boarding school. My daughter was not diagnosed with a LD until she got to Andover. She came from our public schoolā€™s highly gifted program which is for the top 1% of students from all over our school district. And she was in the top 5% of that top 1%. The program goes through 8th grade, and the kids do work two years ahead of grade. Itā€™s considered a very rigorous program, and she aced it. We assumed that she would enjoy the same success at Andover. Our first clue that something wasnā€™t right was that she had trouble finishing her pre-calc tests. She would only get through 3/4 of a test. She would get everything she did right but would still score poorly because she couldnā€™t finish the tests. And she was also struggling to get all her math homework done and was quite overwhelmed. She clearly understood the material and performed well in the classroom setting. So something was up, but, unlike your sonā€™s school, Andover was all over it. After about the 3rd test, I contacted the school and learned that they already had the ball rolling. First, she was sent to a math studies coach who gave her strategies to help her work math problems more quickly and efficiently. Also, her math teacher said that she saw every indication of a learning difference, recommended testing and put me in contact with the Andover person who handled those services. That person gave me a list of child psychologists who had worked with the school, and we had the testing done right away. The testing revealed a learning difference dealing with the speed at which she processes information. Sheā€™s so smart that she had always been able to compensate until she got to Andover with its extreme rigor. So now she gets time-and-a-half on tests, but as she likes to point out she does not get time-and-a-half on life. Boarding school is very challenging for any kid, but especially so for one who has a LD. While every student at the school has to work hard and juggle a lot of things, those with learning differences have to work even harder still. Itā€™s a lot to ask of a 14/15 year old kid. So thatā€™s something else to think about if your son is diagnosed with a LD, because heā€™s probably going to have to work harder than the norm to succeed. Our daughter has remained at Andover, loves it, and has done well. But she works SO HARD and still sometimes drops the ball on something. Her life would have been easier if she stayed at home. But of course, the easiest path often is not the best one. I will say that one of the reasons for her overall success at Andover has been the tremendous support that school has given her. If your sonā€™s school is not going to support him if they let him stay, then think long and hard about sending him back. Good luck in getting everything sorted out.</p>