Is everyone posting current marriages, first spouses…? I haven’t read through every post, but it seems many here married relatively young and are still in first marriages which does not reflect the national average (but this is CC, of course). Or, perhaps, those who’ve been divorced aren’t posting or are only posting their first marriage which may not be what @1Rubin is looking for.
You asked:
Rather than, “At what age did you meet your first spouse?” and “How long were/have you been married” which I think is more clarifying if you’re interested in the success rate of early marriages.
Someone upthread talked about being an old soul and that resonates with me. I agree with you about it being easier in many ways to be a young parent. My goal was to be done having children by the time I was 30. Those years I was in law school and H was building his career were very stressful with two young children but we survived it. That youthful energy certainly helped! Now at 45 and 50, we’re looking forward to an empty nest in two years and enjoying some quality time alone before our kids (maybe) start having grandkids. Age is just a number and people have different plans and goals. To each his own!
It sure is physically easy to have relationships and kids in young age but financially and logistically easier after getting settled so there is no win win.
We weren’t “old” when we married (28) and had kids (32) but knowing what I know now I wouldn’t have minded kids a little earlier.
Another odd observation is the number of kids from my HS who reconnected with classmates and date or got married. Some are 2nd marriages. Facebook?
Also it’s interesting to see female coworkers or family in their 30’s and single. Doesn’t seem like a lot of eligible men to choose from. Less men going to college? Don’t want commitment?
Marriage and kids are becoming less important compared to career and self love so early or late marriage or kids may be a moot conversation. They may be better off unattached, may even be better off being fluid when it comes to their own or partner’s gender. Parenting is no easy task, even when children are grown and only ask for your input as a well meaning adult.
Maybe I haven’t had enough caffeine, but I’m not sure I follow.
I got married in my late 20s and had kids in my late 30s. Were my 20s and early 30s fun? Yeah, for sure. Do I have any regrets? Well I regret that after I had my kids I was then in the sandwich generation because my mom also had me when she was in her late 30s so all while my kids were little I was caring for my aging parents too. That was really hard. Not only was I not getting help from my parents (sometimes see people on her talking about this phenomenon) but I was trying to juggle parenting little kids and care for my parents (my dad was in a nursing home when my D22 was born and my mom moved into a CCRC in our town when D22 was maybe 6ish). Yeah, that part kinda sucked.
Would I change things? No, not really. I met DH when I met him, y’know? We have been married almost 28 years now. I think there is a good chance that my kids won’t have kids (they say right now they are not interested and they are both gay, so it’s unlikely there will be any accidents, although they might change their minds about having kids, but who knows.)
I have known people who met in 8th grade and had happy relationships and people who met in their 70s and found their true love.
It just happens when it happens and then you roll with it.
I think most of us would agree that there are many factors that go into our choices and our viewpoints of what is best, should be, etc.
I think one not discussed on this thread is culture. Which is one reason I brought up the idea that for some the end goal is not getting married. Like maybe, but it’s not necessary to a relationship. I have family in Europe - many are in very long term relationships (like decades!) but they are not married. They completely are as committed as we, a married couple are, but did not choose a ring on a finger or ceremony.
So if I may ask for those who might want to comment - did your ethnic culture or family history/traditions in regards to relationships/marriage affect your decisions then - or your thoughts now for yourself or your children?
Great point! We know every culture has its influence and as evolving humans, it’s a parental responsibility to not let it be the driving factor in our advice or acceptance.
I did ask for numbers but it turned into a discussion and it’s okay with me. Just didn’t want the thread to go in a different direction which often happens during a dissuasion with large number of participants.
Oh, I was expected to marry and have children by my folks for sure. I wanted to fall in love and I wanted kids. I hoped those would go together but I had a back up plan to have kids alone if I never married, a la Murphy Brown.
I do want the same for my sons but am not as adamant.
I brought a delicious cake to a party, and a much-older cousin said, “Why is it the ones who can cook never marry?” I was 19 at the time. So, yeah, my culture had me written off before I was 20. Ended up married at 25 and, despite cobwebs on my eggs, managed to have kids at 29 and 32.
I have friends in the US (both college professors, btw, who are not married and have no plans to be married. They have two kids. Have been together at least as long as my H and I have (28 yrs).
I think my family tradition of late marriage and having children later might’ve influenced me to not be worried about taking it slower. Might’ve influenced my brother the same way, but then he had a lot of disappointment when he and his wife (also older) weren’t able to have kids. Culturally we’re just boring protestant white people. I’m sure my parents were happy when we got married, but we had plenty of single for life people in our family too so there wasn’t a huge amount of parental pressure.
I have an acquaintance who decided to be a single mom by donor. She actually has a good relationship with her donor-in-laws (the moms of her daughter’s half-siblings also by the donor). So she has a bigger family now.
Culture isn’t only ethnicity/faith etc. For example: H and I were raised in small towns in the midwest but never lived there after college. We were married young (age 23) and our friends “back home” were puzzled when we didn’t start having kids within a few years (and yes there were rumors flying!) Living in DC Metro area almost no one raised an eyebrow when we waited 10 years before deciding to start a family.
Well, I should add I am from a mid-sized southern city. Not big, not small, around 60,000 when I was growing up. They had annexed to 100,000 by the time we got married. Relatives lived in small towns (3000) or rural. Mom was from a rural area, dad was from small town. No rumors, no questions. We waited 7 years before we had kids.
My SIL did this when she hadn’t ended up marrying but still wanted bio children . She has B/G twins. Someone started an online group for children born from X donor which SIL joined. I don’t know if SIL and her kids have met any of them in person, but it is interesting knowing they have biological half siblings.
So, yeah, my culture had me written off before I was 20. Ended up married at 25 and, despite cobwebs on my eggs, managed to have kids at 29 and 32.