<p>So, your son/daughter wants to go to boarding school? You do not know if this is a good idea for you or your family? Here's what several decades of experience in the field will tell you:</p>
<p>Let's start with the worst: THE UGLY:
Teenagers can be cruel. Put them together in dormitories and--no matter how much supervision a school promises--some of them will find ways to be cruel to each other. By the way, they do this at day school, too, so there's nothing particularly bad about boarding schools. The only difference is that at a day school, your child comes home to your (hopefully) normal home and gets a breather from the intense social pressure cooker of high school. They get a chance to steel their nerves for another day. Does this shock you? Hey, remember high school? It's supposed to be agonizing--otherwise John Hughes would never have forged a career making angst-ridden movies. Just don't fool yourself. Be prepared for some sad phone calls home, and remember that you would have gotten these tears anyway. This is how your child learns how to navigate the world, and it will make him or her a better person.</p>
<p>If something worse than the occasional cruel remark happens at a boarding school, the real test is how the school reacts. Do not expect dorm parents and/or advisors to be aware of everything going on--you don't know everything, either--but how do they react when you tell them? Do they talk to your child first (which is what they should do)? Do they take your concerns seriously? Do they follow up with your child after a few days? If more serious, do they report any potential violations of school rules to the dean of students?</p>
<p>THE BAD
About those phone calls home, remember that they will be fast and furious the first few weeks of boarding school. Your child will call you and cry because you are his or her loving parent. They will vent all their insecurities to you. And then they will hang up and go be happy with their friends. Really, that is what happens. You do not believe me because you do not see it, but homesick kids often seem perfectly happy to everyone but you. And when they stop calling home as often, they are no longer homesick. They are having too much fun to deal with Mom or Dad. That's when you know you're in good shape!</p>
<p>What is there to be insecure about? Oh, the list is endless. Your overachieving son or daughter has been accepted to a school where everyone else is also an overachiever. They are all used to getting top marks. They all work hard. They all participate in class. They are all "pleasers." Now, what happens when you get all these kids together? Kids who used to get As easily (and Bs without effort) will now need to work for each B. What about an A, you ask? Those are hard to get. If you expect your son or daughter to come home with all As, then keep him or her at your local public school. Are there kids who do get over 90 averages? Yes, but it is very hard. Moreover, all boarding school kids push themselves to stand out from the crowd, often taking harder and harder schedules, driving themselves into the ground. They will be stressed, frustrated, and sometimes unhappy. They will expect that because they tried hard, they deserve a higher grade. However, there is no such thing as an effort-based grade at a competitive college prep school. Soothe your childs nerves and bruised ego, and urge them to try their best, anyway. Encourage him or her to take lots of risks, too, even if there is no immediate pay off. Let him or her struggle, flounder, and even fail. This is how your child will learn to be someone you would want to work with.</p>
<p>By the way, when do they get all this work done? At night, of course. Do you expect your child to sleep? Well, dont. They wont, especially in the 11th and 12th grade. The problem is not the school. With the exception of military schools, no boarding school in the U.S. really enforces bedtimes for juniors and seniors. This was true even before the invention of the internet, but it is much, much worse since. Never have there been so many ways to waste time. You and I are lucky we did not have to go to school with so many distractions. (Feel bad for your child. I do.) As much as they have the world at their fingertips, this is a dangerous temptation. Does your school say they control the internet use, shut off the web at certain hours, or block porn sites? Well, they may try. But you want to know whos to blame? You. You gave your child a smart phone with a data plan? Well, its your fault that your child cannot settle down to study until 11pm. And that porn was delivered 4G! There are a few schools (very, very few e.g. St. Andrews) that ban cell phones on campus. Most just limit their use in the classroom. With smart phones, any boarding schools IT department is severely handicapped and many of your children are able to get around their firewalls, anyway. (And your firewalls, too, by the way.) Dont expect any school to do the parenting you should be doing. This may mean some very awkward conversations at holiday time. And, hey, limit that data plan!</p>
<p>On the other hand, splurge on their computer, if you can. They will use it to work. This brings up another point, though. Such a competitive academic environment makes college admissions stress all the more keenly felt. You thought that getting him or her into the private school of his/her dreams was all you needed to do? Sorry. If you thought that any boarding school was a ticket to any college, you are wrong, wrong, wrong. In fact, for some kids, being at the tippy-top of their class in public school would have been better than being in the middle of their class at prep school. If Ivy League college admission is the only end game for you, you need to either recalibrate your expectations (which I recommend) or save your money. If you do not heed this advice, you will make your child a basket case. (And, really, there are SO many great colleges out there.) Kids at boarding schools tend to be strongly result-driven to begin with. Put them together in this cloistered environment, and it can be brutal. If you can inject some sanity into your childs world, you will be doing him or her a real favor. Dont worry about their motivationthey will be pushed hard enough by their peers. Just love them and make sure they are talking with their college counselors. Those professionals really do know best. Trust them.</p>
<p>THE GOOD
So, why go through all this? Why send your child to boarding school? Why would they want to go? Well, it is fun. The highs are higher (and I am not referring to drug-induced euphoria
that is a whole different topic and the answer to that question varies by school). Friendships are stronger. Boarding school kids form lifetime bonds that even eclipse those they will make in college. There is nothing like a few all-night study sessions with a roommate to make the two best friends. They understand each other like no one else. It is powerful stuff.</p>
<p>Those friends are generally good influences, too. (Yes, I said they could be cruel, but only in the normal teenage way. Most of the time, they are sweet as pie!) The best part is that at most boarding schools, it is cool to be smart and do well in the classroom. And though the kids compete with each other, it is generally not cutthroat. Despite what the boarding school movie genre says, they dont undercut each other. They all want to do their best. Since the bar is high, they tend to reach up.</p>
<p>And those skills they have will pay off big time in college. No matter where they go to school, they will be 1-2 years ahead of their peers in their writing, time management, and overall maturity. All that adjustment discomfort is already out of their system. They storm a college campus, ready to take no prisoners. They understand how to write an essay, use commas correctly (I hope), and cite their sources. Professors are thrilled to have someone worth the time to teach, and these eminent scholars may even offer your child special opportunities, work experience, and/or mentorship. Boarding school kids have already been held accountable to a higher standard than almost any college will require (except probably Swarthmore and U Chicago and their ilk). You sacrificed time, money, and energy to send your child to boarding school, and this is the big pay off. He or she will do very well at college, and that helps propel him or her to bigger and better things to come.</p>
<p>The most important boon to boarding school is the triple threat role model with your child: the teacher, dorm parent, and coach. One person is all three. This means that your child will have positive, healthy, life-changing relationships with faculty who care about your childs growth as intellectuals and citizens. He may be able to see their AP Chemistry teacher for extra help at night in the dorm. Her math teacher may be her soccer coach. His Latin teacher may ignite a life-long interest in distance cycling. Why do so many boarding school alums return to teach at boarding school? Because the community is warm, supportive, diverse, and loving. And that history teacher upon whose shoulder your child cried last Tuesday? Well, that person may end up being part of a lifelong support network for your child via Facebook, email, or (shock!) actual letters. (Boarding school tends to bring out this anachronistic impulse for some reason.)</p>
<p>So, you want good role models for your child? There are none better than those education professionals who devote themselves to the crazy world of 24/7 in loco parentis madness at boarding school. These people do it because they love it. (The pay is not really that good.) These faculty are generally very well-adjusted people with stable families, and they care. Dont get me wrongthere is nothing better than you, the parent, loving and supporting your child. However, what you give up in your own crucial influence, you gain in a total 360 surround-sound of good adult mentorship.</p>
<p>THE EQUATION
How do you know if this is all worth it? Only you and your child can decide that. Talk it over with your son or daughter and be honest about all the costs and benefits. Everyone needs to go into the experience with eyes wide open. It can be the best time in ones lifebut dont expect your child to feel that way at the time. Most boarding school alums have a love-hate relationship with the school while there. Then, as alums, they romanticize it as the best time of their lives. They are probably right about both.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>