<p>Please excuse my grammar, its one of the area Im trying to work on.
Hi parents, disregard my last post about me feeling betrayed and whatnot, I have bigger problem and worry to contend to. </p>
<p>I learn today that if I dont pass both of my classes this quarter because I am on part-time status, I could be barred from college. Im extremely worry, and ultimately ashamed of myself with my lack of effort and judgment. Now if I do pass, which is more likely than not, then I would be fine even though my grade are mediocre at best. This is very bad for me, but it not the first time that it has happen, I have escape two other time where it was a do or die situation where I had to pass two mandatory class to be able to be a returning student. Its a shame I have not learn from my mistake not once, but twice.</p>
<p>Now Im put once against on a pedestal in another unfortunate situation with the board of education or the people who will review my grades and performances if I end up only passing one class. I am not a bad student by any mean. I can handle college materials quite well, but certain circumstances prevented me from doing so. I know it entirely my fault to be in this situation, but I was facing severe social anxiety and depression throughout my freshman and the onward to my sophomore years. I lost countless opportunity to meet friends and I also lost a lot off friends. I was beyond shy; I wasnt even able to attend half off my class due to the extreme anxiety I was suffering from. Obviously whoever reviews my grades will not take into account what I had to deal with, as my problems are my own problems. Needless to say, I should have done something back then, but I was too afraid to tell my parents my problem. Would they even listen to me this time around? Unfortunately my parents are not so understanding of my dire situation, and continue to pressure me to do well in school. I wasnt doing well; I wasnt even capable off interacting with other people. I constantly receive panic attack at least a few times a day, and at one point I skip class for 2 months straight, because I could not handle what was happening to me. I could see my physical, emotional, mental health deteriorate right before my eye. I came to school weighing 150 lbs and left school weighing only 124 lbs. One point it got so bad that my fellow floor mates call the cops on me because they hadnt seen me for over a week. I was basically locked up in my room all alone and scare of things I had no control over. </p>
<p>Fast-forwarding through time, like my health, my grades were suffering a tremendous impact. I would call my mom crying over the phone constantly explaining to her my situation but she gave the same response over and over again and that was that everything was going to be fine. I dont think she knew how to help me back then nor does she know now. Nevertheless it took me a while to let everything sink in, but then I began to suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because I was so unstable due to lost of friends that the cops had to take me to the mental hospital to inspect if anything was wrong with me. I felt ill and like a criminal, I felt like the world did not care about me anymore just like my mom. I was very trouble, I had friends knocking on my door and other people wanting to get to know me, and I was unable to be anywhere around them or else I would receive a panic attack. These things haunt me on a regular basis.
Now that you know a bit about my history, had I not receives these vicious random disorders, I would not be in the shoe I am right now. I have witness and experience things that many college students would not have, many incidents that my family are not fully aware off, and are not capable of understanding what I go through in life. Though I will not receives any break of what happen to me in the past that was out of my control, and I am left to deal with the consequences that could jeopardize my future, yet I feel extremely guilty and shame. Had I been just like any other students and am doing this poorly, I would not be able to live with myself. I do have a solid reason, I do have document and proof of my disorders diagnosed, however none of that matter to anyone but myself. If I am not worrying about my social life, I am worrying about my college life; its a vicious cycle, and one that never seem to end.</p>
<p>I am not quite sure what being barred mean, and I really dont want to know, but what I do know is that I would have to take a year off and go to a community college. Now that is bad, that is extremely bad, and I dont even want to think of it. I finally enroll in the theatre art class that I been trying to get in every fall. Its finally my chance to meet people and hopefully make friends. My depression and social anxiety, panic attacks have improved a lot thanks to countless SSRI drugs and therapy and Im finally starting to improve. I eat more than once a day, and am quite healthy and fit since I do a lot of walking to class and back. I am back to 150 lbs, and my last physical checkup was satisfactory. I am also a lot more talkative now then I were before, and that after two years of college under my belt, I am sure I wont make the same mistake again. However if I do get barred from college, all the chances of me making friends will vanish starting with the theatre art class, and if I do return back to this school, I wont be the same. I would have practically ruin my college life per say and I would have to be a automaton to do well in college without giving much thought to anything but my books and papers. I dont know what I will do if I get barred, because I dont think there is anything much worst.</p>
<p>I would like to get all the parents thoughts and advice on this situation of mine. I had an overall GPA of 3.7 in high school and I pass my SAT with a score of 1750. I dont know if I should feel ashamed and guilty and do you truly believe it is my fault with circumstances that could not be seen beforehand and that it was out of my control to start with. To work so hard in high school by spending countless hours after school through tutoring and independent study only to have it end like this is such a waste. If you were my parents, what would you do and how would you feel? </p>
<p>Thanks</p>