That’s why I want them sooner rather than later! I a’int getting any younger.
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We probably don’t have any choice in this matter, they decide when they will have children. But I wasn’t thinking of taking care of them daily, not sure they let me do that at our age. But we certainly can babysit for 2-4 hours.
When I had my kids, there were no daycares for kids <2. You had to stay home, have family do it, or find someone to watch them in their home. One of older S’ caregivers watched children with her sister. They were in their 70s! But she had the stipulation that they be 2 and toilet trained. She had many come for half days after pre-school. But still, they would make real old-fashioned lunch buffets for them every day and chase them around the yard.
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Do any of you expect that if your children have children that one of them would ever forego career to be a stay-at-home parent?
I returned to full-time work (which was as a faculty member at a community college, so not nearly as demanding as many other jobs) for a year after ds was born. Then went in and out of part-time instructing there until ds was in the first grade when I quit working altogether.
So many comments about the cost of childcare. Working has other costs as well - transportation costs to office (though that may have declined some with remote and hybrid working) and clothing come to mind. If one parent stays home those costs go away for them and childcare is then covered. There is a point where people have to ask, “Is it worth it for both of us to continue to work outside the home?” Now, I do understand that professional fulfillment and opportunities are lost to the person who makes that choice. Those were sacrifices I chose to make. And, I know people say one can always re-enter the workforce later, but I personally could not do anything that I am allegedly qualified to do.
Given the other current threads on salaries and costs of rents/housing further complicates that type of decision. Kids cost money. Lots of money.
I just wonder if the concept of one parent staying home is something that young people would choose to do. Or even have the opportunity to choose to do.
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At the moment my kids don’t plan to be stay at home parents. One of my kids runs own business from home and spouse WFH as well. The other one is just graduated couple of years ago and is working on building career right now. Because they both were raised by two full time working parents I don’t think for now they plan to stay at home after kids born.
Also DD and I often discuss financial independence for women after marriage as well as professionals growth. With huge number of divorces the last thing someone needs is to start work search decades after to support the family.
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DD’19 would 100% love to be a SAHM. DD’17 not as much, but it’s not off the table for her. DD’17 has more opportunity for free-lance or WFH possibilities in her field. Or I’m hoping they can work part-time.
We live in a LCOL area, so they might be able to swing it. I told DD’19 once she gets married, practice living off one income and banking the other and see if it’s doable.
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My daughter’s business partner just had a kid, in fact he is turning one. His wife is back to work after so many weeks off, she’s moving up in the art world, making a lot more money than her husband. I think they are both working at home due to COVID, so I think it’s highly unlikely that one spouse has to stay at home. She has a babysitter coming 2 days out of a week.
I think this generation will figure out what to do.
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@Hoggirl - I worked part time for 15 years after my daughters were born. I was very lucky to work for a large corporation in corporate accounting and I had a boss (male) that valued my ability to work on high priority special projects. I worked in the first “pilot” program for part time workers at the company. I went back to work full time when D1 was 16 and could then drive herself and D2 to high school. It worked out well since the company was going through a huge accounting system conversion and really needed my expertise with the move to the new system.
D1 is a kindergarten teacher and now has her masters degree with several reading specialist certificates. She is hoping to be able to work at a school as a reading specialist part time when she has kids. If she lives here in town I will help with childcare along with my best friend (her kids are far from marriage and children). I told D1 I could do 2 days a week and my friend (D1 has know this friend since kindergarten) could do 1 day a week.
I wrote earlier that I would be fine if either or both my boys didn’t end up having children as whatever makes them happy makes me/us happy.
Interestingly, this subject came up with S21 at a nice dinner this past weekend when I was visiting him and meeting his gf (of a year) for the first time.
Somehow S brought up the fact that he had read some articles about what age is more favorable to have kids at and he tells me that age 26 is what he discovered.
I was kinda dumbstruck at the topic and timing of this revelation and found myself quickly blurting out “that’s kinda young”. (S will be 20 in a few months.)
Then S asked how old I was when we had him. I was 32. And he noted that was kinda old and especially for the first child.
I continued to sip (?!) my raspberry martini (wishing H was with me but he was home with our very sick dog) and again found myself a bit speechless.
His gf is a complete sweetheart but I literally just met her an hour prior.
I guess he has kid(s) on his mind afterall.
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It is fascinating to hear what ages everyone has in mind for having children. I had my first at 26, and that was considered fairly old by some of my friends (who had their first sometime between 19-22). I have other friends who didn’t have their first child until their mid 30s - early 40s. The differential in all of our experiences has been quite large (resources at the time babies were born, energy levels, stages of life as children went off the college).
Physically, I believe that fertility begins to decline at age 26…and pregnancies are considered medically ‘geriatric’ by age 34-35 (if I’m remembering accurately).
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It is fascinating. Completely agree. And with so many variables involved.
Since the discussion with S (and his GF listening to us intently, lol), I admit to myself that biologically 26 is a good age……and I know both our kids want to be younger parents than DH and I are.
But I had to say a few things about finances and finishing possible graduate programs etc.
I have a feeling that when S is home for Thanksgiving we will revisit a bit. 
And I won’t feel as much like a deer in headlights. 
These kinds of conversations always happen when we are least prepared (in my experience). I’ve had more than my fair share of deer in the headlight conversations with my children…it sounds like you handled it well. 
One piece that I’ve found (generalizing wildly here) is that DH and I are very much looking forward to having childfree ‘time’ when the last one heads off for college more than many of our friends whose children are also gearing up for independence. In comparison to many of our friends - we didn’t have the years/decade(s) many of them did after college/grad school to do things before we had children.
Definitely no regrets on our choice, but we have always looked at the fact all our children would be in college (or done with it) before we turned 50 as a big selling point for the age we had them.
Our friends who were older parents definitely had more resources than we did/do when college came around, and (frankly) probably some wisdom we were late in getting. But we enjoyed the age we had our children…even if things were definitely tighter finance wise when they were itsy bitsy. And, to be honest, I don’t think the kids cared about the ‘extras’ they didn’t have when they were little (vacations, activities, etc).
Our friends who had children younger really have loved the relationships their children were able to have with several generations of their family (some had great-great grandparents to cuddle them when born). Definitely pros and cons to every decision when it comes to parenting.
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D is 31 and just had her first child though she and SIL have been married for 7 years. I turned 34 the month after she was born (she is my oldest). No regrets in waiting. It’s actually better that we were not younger grandparents as we are now retired and were able to relocate and also help out. As a active runner/walker/yogi I consider myself a “young” 65.
I did not encourage D to be a stay at home parent. She has a great job she enjoys, great benefits, too. I know firsthand how staying home can derail a career and that sometimes (depending on many factors) it can never get back on track. And I was fortunate enough to stay married, not be widowed, etc. Staying home is risky.
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I’m glad you posted. I appreciate feedback of experiences that are different from mine.
It makes me reflect on many things and feelings and that is always positive.
Once again, CC has some great threads that benefit many. 
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Absolutely not. I tell my girls and their SOs to not give up their careers. It’s easy to give up and so very hard to go back. I know many women who gave up their careers to raise their kids and were not able to go back when they were ready.
I advise people to do part time or slower pace job, but to keep a foot in the door, while kids are young. I slowed down on my career when my kids were young, but picked it up when they were in middle school.
D1 is a MD at a major bank now. She is traveling few days a week. Her H has a meaningful job, but he is able to work from home. They pay quite a bit for a full time nanny with a lot of other music/dance/socializing classes for their kid. The nanny takes their kid to classes when they can’t. D1 feels sad about missing out on some activities, but she had me as her role model and knew I was there for her.
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My hope is that my D has the financial freedom to decide to stay at home if she chooses, but I doubt she will do that.
Personally I wouldn’t trade those years at home for anything.
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I would help watch grandkids…but I don’t think full time. Sorry, that is not how I want to spend my retirement. And don’t want to place a burden on my kids to find childcare if I want to take a long weekend or want to do a project around the house, etc.
I have a friend who could not wait for grandkids. Watched first GC five days a week and learned that it is a lot harder in your 60s than in your 30s. She was tired. And she couldn’t just go to the mall spur of the moment. Or out to lunch with her husband. And the laundry, etc was piling up.
I suggested she watch GC 1 or 2 days a week which she eventually did. Those were grand kid days and the entire day devoted just to GC without any thought or stress about get dinner ready, etc.
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I am in this camp as well! I hate to be cynical but what if DD and SO split up and DD has not worked in 10 or 15 years? Unless SO has significant money, it could be a real problem (and even then could still be).
I worked part time at a real job with real benefits. 20 years ago this may have been more on the unusual side. I feel like less so now. But I feel like in addition to the pay & benes, it helped me keep up my skills, contacts, etc. I could have gone back full time if need be (and at a higher salary than if I had been unemployed for 5+ years for example).
I did work with a woman about 25 years ago who was leaving the workforce because between their commutes, daycare costs, and quality of life, they decided it wasn’t worth it.
We have friends getting divorced now and she has not worked in 21 years. She is freaking out and I get it. And they have plenty of money (and he is being totally fair with it) but still…
Funny, I trust my DH 100%…but apparently I do not trust my children’s future spouses! 
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Sounds like the consensus here is that foregoing career to stay home as a full-time parent is no longer viewed as a reasonable or viable choice.
Most of the women I knew who are my age (late 50’s) made that choice. I knew a couple of stay-at-home dads, too. These were not people lacking in education or skills. There were plenty of well-educated, over-qualified homeroom moms in my era. I wonder if this notion of not leaving the workforce is regional or because of being in a HCOL area? Or maybe the idea of one parent staying home is simply outdated now.
I know one in my circle, she’s a surgeon with 3 kids, her husband is also a surgeon.