My circle is the same. Almost all of us gave up careers to be the stay at home parent. All of us have college degrees or beyond.
In my D’s situation, her present BF has a ton more flexibility with his job and can work remotely. If they stay together and have a family some day, it is much more likely that he’d be the stay at home parent/PT job person.
I think work from home has opened up a lot more options for parents.
I’m also in the camp of highly educated at home moms. I stayed home with my kids until I went back to teaching at the school they go to when the youngest of four was in 3rd grade. I think my kids would love for one parent to stay home, as that’s how they were raised, but it’s just not financially feasible anymore.
I’m 65. When I went back to work after D was born, I knew working moms because that was who I met in the workplace. Five years (and one more child) later I stayed home so then it was other stay at home moms who I encountered and met.
In other words, if you are a stay at home parent that’s who you tend to see. Same as when you work.
That’s a valid point.
I think it’s reasonable and viable depending on the financial situation of the couple. I hope my daughters have the option to stay home if that’s what they want to do with their kids.
I worked for 10 years until my youngest was born. Worked part time until she was 1 and then decided to stay home with my 3 kids. Just reaching semi-empty nester stage and I’m enjoying the time to pursue my hobbies and interests that were on hold for the last few decades.
Talked to D a few weeks ago and it was a difficult conversation. She made it clear she was happy being single (at least for now). Told H that we need to stop talking about this with her - was clearly upsetting her.
She loves kids and a couple of her friends have just had their first. She sent pictures …maybe, one day…
I wouldn’t dream of suggesting she put her career on hold for kids - her career has been front and center for her all these years and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I had her when I was 25 and only started working full-time when she was six months old. No family around to help - we had her in full time day care. H and I staggered our work hours to maximize work/family time. Definitely wasn’t easy but we made it work. By the time we had S five years later, we were financially more secure, but also making headway in our careers - so it only got crazier, especially with business travel. But again, we made it work and I think if my kids were to have kids, they’d go the same route.
I’d love to see more of my grandson, especially as I can work from home, PT. Sadly, they arranged for DILs parents to have an apartment near them and move out for 6 months. The dad also works from home, PT. I know they will be great with the baby, but I am left out.
I’m sorry.
Have you shared your feelings with your ds? About wanting to see your grandson more?
I assume all of you are in the same, general location? I may have missed that.
No, we all live far from CA. I’d be more than willing to go out for a week, stay in a hotel.
Yes, I did tell him last night that when her parents go home for visits to family and friends, i would be happy to come out and fill in. Stay in the apartment.
I’m going for a very short visit (their call, not mine) in December. I think it will be better to talk in person.
Sorry, I am venting, as I just heard about these plans yesterday.
Parents of males have shared similar stories.
D is really good about including her in laws in GD’s life. My brothers were great at including our parents. I have friends with sons who feel excluded. In my own experience, it was my MIL who chose to pretty much ignore our kids & spend all her time with her D’s son. I think that how it all plays out is a function of the family dynamic rather than simply a D vs S thing.
I have to be honest that I didn’t trust my inlaws with my D. They watched her once when we went out to dinner at their house when she was a year and half old and when we got home she was unattended with the sliders to the pool lanai wide open. FIL had gone into his office and MIL was in the shower. They weren’t asked to sit again.
Sorry about situation. I agree that’s the common among parents of sons because it’s easier for mother of the child to relay on her own parents. I am expecting my first grandchild from my son and DIL. Fortunately for us her family is not local but we are. I think my DIL is more close to me than her own mom. I hope this trend continue and I will try not to overstep and only help were needed. My DD lives out of town and if one day she marries her current boyfriend the situation will be reversed because his parents are local.
Not every grandparent is good with small children nor do they all want to watch their grandkids. My mom (now 80) retired at 60 and wanted to keep busy. Four years after she retired my niece had her first baby. My niece lives a few miles from my parents. My niece and her husband worked staggered schedules to take care of the baby and my mom filled in 1- 2 days a week. My SIL also lived in the same town as my niece (her D) and did not work at all. My SIL never offered to watch the baby. My SIL would come to my parents house when my mom was watching the baby and take pictures to post on FB to show friends. My niece did not really want her mom taking care of the baby as she knew her grandma was much better at it.
I think blending families is so much more fraught than anyone of us really understand when it is happening. In my experience, there often times seems to be a belief on the part of in-laws (not specific to parents of S v D) that their child’s spouse will have the equivalent sense of familial obligation and regard that their child has towards them.
An adult marrying your child may very well not want another set of parental relationships/obligations, and I think it is incumbent upon us as the “older, wiser adults” to figure out how to make these new relationships as smooth and supportive as possible - while respecting our SIL or DIL as autonomous adults we need to get to know and build our own relationships with. Especially if we want to ensure our best chance of having the relationships we hope for when/if grandbabies enter the picture.
Whether or not this is ‘fair’, I also think the person who wants the relationship ‘more’ is going to have to be the one who bend and find the compromise. And if we decide to try to keep score, we probably won’t ever find it in our favor.
I’m not sure @bookworm is really looking for advice, but I am going to give some nonetheless. I’ve gained this perspective from the many many mistakes I have made in my own relationships. If none of this speaks to you and has nothing to do with your situation - please feel free to absolutely disregard and think “well, she has no idea what she’s talking about here!”. I won’t have hurt feelings; I’ve been wrong often enough to be comfy knowing I misread situations.
When you go out to visit your DS and DIL, I would tell them how much you love seeing them and baby boy. And ask them what you could do to make their life easier. I wouldn’t give suggestions as to what you want to do and also wouldn’t suggest staying at DIL’s parents apartment if/when they are not there as that could be seen as overstepping as it is her parent’s home for the 6 months they’re planning to be out helping.
Listen to what they say would make their lives easier. If they don’t suggest you coming out to stay for an extended period of time, try your best to not take that personally - and remember that if you want to build the relationship you hope to have, you have to be the one to bend.
If you can’t do what they suggest (or don’t want to), it is ok saying that doesn’t work for you but if they think of anything else to please let you know. You don’t need to be a martyr to DS and DIL suggestions or ideas.
It may take time. The timeline may not be the one you want. But if you make it easy to be with you and don’t make it a comparison between DIL parents and you - it may well work out better in both your eyes and theirs.
Good advice, especially about the apartment. I’ll just become a regular at the motel. I already changed my ticket, so I leave on Saturday and return Monday. Originally, it was Tuesday.
Another suggestion that I will follow is to bring out potatoes already shredded, sold at local markets, which them can be made into potato pancakes easily. That is a traditional Hanukkah food. That is the only cooking I will do.
If they don’t offer to pick me up from the airport, I can Uber, rather than deal with Caltrain.
If I don’t thank each person individually, I have welcomed your suggestions.
I’m going to be jealous of those potato pancakes, I love them!! Hoping you have a wonderful trip and get lots of snuggle time with your sweet grandbaby. 
I think families need to set boundaries and grandparents should be able to speak up about what they can and cannot do and what they want and don’t want to do. I definitely think grandparents should be involved, but the assumption that they are the default babysitters is a little much. Grandparents babysitting is very nice, but it’s a favor not something that new parents are entitled to. My in laws helped out, but they offered and we were careful to be respectful of their time and any commitments they had. My niece threw a fit when her parents went on a trip and they wouldn’t be able to take care of her son…they gave her plenty of notice, I don’t like that kind of entitlement. But, then again I wasn’t surprised.
I agree. My MIL had 6 kids (DH is the youngest) and she made it clear that she was not babysitting or doing childcare for the grands because she would’ve ended up running a daycare. My mom went back to school, received a PhD and had a career after my siblings and I left the nest so I never included her in our childcare or babysitting strategies.
Oh, but my grandchildren are going to be perfect - perfect weight, able to walk by themselves, able to play quietly while I’m busy…
My daughter was close to 4 years old before she weighed 30 pounds, and she never, ever wanted to be carried (or in a stroller). She was a runner. She played full out at daycare every day and then came home, ate, watched a little TV and went to bed to sleep for 12 hours.
I’m sure my grandchildren will be just like that! 
@twoinanddone’s superpower is unbridled optimism! Here’s hoping you’re right, we’re all pulling for you. (Someone somewhere should have perfect grandchildren, just to give the rest of us hope.)