Being pressured by parents with extremely high standards, advice?

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

<p>Okay, so I'm in high school and my parents have high expectations. I believe it's fine- it's natural for parents to want the absolute best for their children. But isn't there an extent? It seems like I could never make them happy or at the very least satisfied! Instances are if I get an "A-" in a specific class. They'd immediately bark at me, over looking all the other A's and A+'s saying "why didn't you get at least an A in _____? Next quarter you must get at least an A or there'll be repercussions (ex. phone privileges)" </p>

<p>Then come the following quarter I tried my best to get not an A, but an A+ and I was honestly so excited. I was ecstatic because I thought that finally will I make my parents happy. All with going from a 91% in that class, to going to a 99% and what not. I was given a rude awakening when they halfheartedly congratulated me then instantly told me I must have slipped up ignorantly to not get a perfect grade of 100%. Not to mention that I'm expected of that next time! It's ludicrous! My work load is not in anyway easy, they hardly care about the long hours and all-nighters sacrificed, they only take into account of the grade. Not to mention each time they just want more, they expect more (Like that child in the AT&T commercial!). I feel extremely happy when I see the grades that I worked for, only to be deflated by my parents for basically telling me how much I bluntly suck.</p>

<p>I really do want to make my parents proud, believe me I really do. But this is honestly stressing me out, because it's impossible. I scarcely want to even <em>think</em> about come college admissions, my mother already purchased countless Ivy school merchandise (does she even know what school I want to attend?). Believe me, I've tried the "Please understand my perspective, dear parents" talk, countless of times. It all proves to be to no avail, in fact they end up turning it accusingly at me, coming up with notions that I want them to let up because I'm falling behind on schooling. It's just so hard to live up to their unreal expectations. I've come to this section so I could get advice on how to approach this problem effectively. I know having high pressured parents is common, but I really need help with this one. Any advice?</p>

<p>Anything would be appreciated!
Thanks.</p>

2

<p>Sorry you are dealing with this! It is difficult to assess your circumstances without seeing all the details. Based on what you are describing the expectations being placed on you do not seem at all fair or reasonable. The key is that you are doing your best and giving your sincere best effort. There needs to be a healthy balance in your life as well. Each young person is different in regard to there abilities and drive and aspirations.
Talk to them and see what their concerns and motivations are. Let them know where you are coming from.
Best of luck!</p>

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<p>Agreed! I mourn for you, my parents were always sincerely understanding, but boy did my friend have a tiger mom of sorts. Poor boy was always stressed and pressured. This is a too-common problem nowadays, everyone wanting their children being best, especially academics. Since you said talking to them was no use, I guess you could tell a teacher or guidance for resolve, probably have a teacher that sees you with high regard call home and let your parents know how amazing you are. If you parents won’t listen to you then I suppose they’ll listen to your own teachers?
Good luck!</p>

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<p>Thanks so much GreatKid and newbie09! I’ll still try to talk to my parents, maybe they’ll see reason. And great idea newbie09! I’ll see to trying that.</p>

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<p>Thanks so much jmoran! Ah I know what you mean. I should l go to my banking account and save up from a truck load of 'em.</p>

<p>I believe I should learn to just ignore them. It’s hard, but yes I’ll try. Thanks for the advice! </p>

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<p>My parents are just like that too! Except they’re from Nigeria. But they don’t do that to my sister though. My sister gets B’s and they don’t even care.</p>

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<p>@dsi411, YES! They don’t do it to my two other siblings, only to my sister and I. I TOTALLY understand what you mean. It’s unfair right? If one of them gets B’s it’s fine and they get a nice “good job” but if I ever dared… don’t even want to think about it. >:P </p>

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<p>Are your parents Asian?</p>

<p>Anyways, I have this same issue, but to a more personal extent- I place all that stress of getting a non-A/non-A+ in math/science on myself. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing, but it seems to work for me in producing decent results for colleges. As a fellow high school student with similar parents, the same stress is put upon me as well. But when I get an A-, it’s not my parents’ concern that I’m worried about- it’s what I might end up doing to myself. </p>

<p>In truth, part of the reason why Asian parents enforce such strict standards on their children is that they love/care about them a lot. No, it’s not the “good work!”, “I love you so much!” or otherwise form of encouragement. It’s more of an objective form of love that is fueled by the desire to see their children succeed in life. Sadly, this success in life is generally defined as an Ivy league school followed by a PhD and some high paying job by modern Asian parents. But, I digress, and therefore, I’m pretty serious when I say that your parents as well probably have the same “caring” principle of wanting you to succeed in mind.</p>

<p>As for your siblings not getting pestered over an A-/A, then it’s obvious. Your parents care for you more than them- they invest more effort in “berating” you than on your siblings so in the end you get higher grades, regardless of whether they believe that strict enforcement is ethical or not.
Do you go to a private school? Do you go to instrument/sport/language lessons? Do you have a tutor? Do your parents buy stacks of SAT books for you? Are your parents paying that money for you to take AP and SAT II exams for courses? In the end, all that money and time dedication is coming out of their wallets and life for you, and likely, never again for your younger siblings- they have the greatest investment on you.
This belief is pretty much true for 99% of Asian parents- they don’t hate you.
The reason why you are probably distraught is that your parents, like general Asian parents, are less likely to show the love and care, sometimes called “unconditional love”, in the same manner that they truly invest their time and money on you. Post schooling, once you have a nice job and family, you’ll come to love your parents and thank them for their effort. This obviously sounds phony and hackneyed beyond butchering, but hopefully you understand my point- your “Asian-parenting style” parents won’t show their beliefs visibly.</p>

<p>Furthermore, when in the domain of college admissions, I’m assuming your parents are aiming for you to go to an Ivy- and not just any one, but a top tier Ivy- think HYP, or maybe MIT (if you’re a science/math person). In terms of acceptance rates, there is NO guarantee, but only chances. And your parents want the absolute best chance for you- this means 100% on everything. Yes, it’s unrealistic, but that 1% extra boost from 99% in their minds might give raise your likely rate of acceptance to “x” Ivy from 7% to 7.1%, and that ultimately counts in the end, regardless of how trivial it may seen. If you are nearing your junior year, you’ll come to pursue the slightest extra effort just to raise your chances by a bit. So, in short, apply your parents’ goals. Just go for that 100%, if it doesn’t kill you. You’ll know where your limit is- once you reach it, your parents will know as well, without a doubt. If you think you’re nearing your limit now, just work a bit harder. What extra time can you spend on improving scores to perfection? But, doing that, also keep in mind that your parents don’t just see you as an A+ machine of which to be proud.</p>

<p>Hopefully I’ll be hearing from you on what my post tells you. As a high school student with Asian parents that similar issues, I’d be happy to tell you how I got around them- feel free to send a PM if you want any additional help.</p>

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<p>I think you just have to learn to ignore it and do what you feel is right for you and meets your standards. I don’t think your parents will ever be satisfied. You can get that 100% (why must you be perfect to be satisfactory to them?) and what happens then? They will hear about some kid who got over 100% with some extra credit or curving. Or they will hear about some kid who got some award. And then you have to live up to that. There are millions of high school students in this country alone. Even if you were the best student at subject X in the country, you probably wouldn’t be the best at Y. It never ends.</p>

<p>I actually spend a lot of time telling my perfectionist daughter that it’s OK not to always get 100%, that some assignments simply aren’t worth the time to get a perfect score, she could be doing other things that are more worthwhile to her.</p>

<p>Perhaps you should try to explain to your parents that perfect grades aren’t an admission ticket to a top college anyhow.</p>

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<p>Wow. My Nigerian parents want me to get a 2000 SAT score and to apply to at least one Ivy despite the fact that I only have a C+ average. And I thought that I had it bad!</p>

<p>I honestly just think you should ignore them.</p>

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<p>@Ibad96, yep, it’s pretty bad. I feel for you. And thanks for the advice, I definitely will try to ignore them. :-@ </p>

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<p>@mathyone, Thanks so much! Thanks for the valuable information your reasoning is so right. My parents should realize that I’m not exactly some perfect specimen. Funny you mention about students getting awards, I actually (guiltily) refrain from taking my parents to award ceremonies. Trust me, I have a few times and all I got was “Why didn’t you get that?” “Why didn’t you get this?” While I have my very own awards. Ha! My parents would absolutely treasure your daughter. Thanks for the advice, I’ll definitely tell my parents perfect grades isn’t the definite answer.</p>

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<p>Just wondering…did your parents get 100 ’ s in every subject they ever took? Somehow I would guess you are surpassing them! I would  tell them that they are causing irreparable psychological damage and that you may never have the confidence and self- esteem to live up to your potential because of the negativity they have inflicted upon you. You should rebel a bit. … ignore what they are saying and stop talking to them until they can show some respect for your hard work. I’m sure they have good intentions but right now they are rotten parents. </p>

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<p>@BipolarBuddhist, Wow thanks so much for the meaningful response, I genuinely appreciate it!</p>

<p>Actually, unbelievably, no I am not Asian.
Although my parents act like the stereotypical tiger parents. I know what you mean, I know they do it out of love and care, wanting for me to succeed. The only difference is that it’s not only standards. Yes they set high enough standards and I understand, my problem is that they NEVER are satisfied, even when I do reach their standards. All they ever do is complain and moan about me not being good enough. It even though it’s stressful it’s more than that- it hurts sometimes. Sometimes it sucks that my own parents are never ever happy with me, hardly even encourage me (more like enforce.) My teachers, friends, and classmates always congratulate me of my accomplishments, but then when I go home it’s a different story. Going home and playing the dreary game of “Why not’s.”
I understand your points and it’s letting me see the other perspectives of things. My parents spend a great deal of money on me and I’ve come to appreciate that. My problem is that they act like they’re spending it for no reason at all, like they’re getting nothing out of it (my grades make that invalid.) I understand they’re not compassionate in a way that I’d like, but I would sure appreciate it if they’d let up on the discouragement.</p>

<pre><code> I most definitely will see to telling my parents how Ivy league admissions actually work. It’s not all grades and they wont comprehend that. No matter what, I always do try my best at all times but sometimes I just hate how they don’t realize just how much effort I put towards it.
</code></pre>

<p>Thanks so much for your response! It meant a lot and really did help. I’ll PM you with any additional questions or tips how to survive this lol. Thanks again!
:smiley: </p>