<p>“I never regretted my choice at the time, but now that both kids are in college and I am having trouble finding a full-time career that I like, I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice for me.”</p>
<p>-Beiong at home when everybody is gone to work/school is complete disaster for me. I get depressed. Had experience 8 times while looking for a job after loosing one. I feel in the same category as sick and retired, completely disconnected, isolated into some kind of different time/space zone. When D. was gone to college, I was employed full time, having the best job I have ever had (my current job). I still had to find activity to be busy after work and exercise. Was not easy, since I do not like any normal stuff, like reading, TV, shopping, cleanning house, cooking. But I am so lucky, that on my second try, it was a hit. First one did not work out, I find out that I am too old to learn a new language, but not too old to be creative/artsy.<br>
I have no idea how people survive being at home. They are actually lucky, do not need to look forever for something to do. For me, working is not just being better off financially, it means not going to shrink.</p>
<p>Having been a working mom and a stay at home mom, I can say that being a SAHM was better for me! It made all of our lives less hectic. I was there to shop and cook and whatever and it was just one less person to have to schedule. However, we made the decision after our third child was 18 months old (DS 2017). I think we could have juggled better with only 2 kids; but the 3rd put us over the edge. So, my life was way too hectic for me. I want to do things 100% and I felt my work and my home life was only being done 1/2 way. Didn’t like it at all. My DH has done well in his career in part b/c he hasn’t had other responsibilities at home unless he has time. He’s a great dad, and he’s always there for our kids, but he hasn’t had to take days off because of sick kids and what not. </p>
<p>Having said that, I don’t think my kids would have done better in school if I did work. I’m sure there would have been a project a little less done because I wasn’t around to run out and pick up some art supply. However, that would only have been in elementary school and middle school. High schoolers are far more self sufficient. I will say my kids are very independant and don’t really “need” me home; but we all like that I am. </p>
<p>I will go back to work and it will be hard to start over again in a career. But that’s ok - I have a great life and it will continue to be great!</p>
<p>I worked when my kids were little. When S was 1 1/2 and D was 6, I left the work force and was a SAHM for about 10 years. Both of mine have done very well academically, but I honestly can not say that my staying home made a difference that way. When I was home I was very involved in PTA and school volunteering but while I hope that the schools got some benefit from that I don’t really think it made a difference for my kids. Being involved in your child’s education is very important, but that doesn’t mean that a parent has to be volunteering at the school. I know many people who didn’t for various reasons (including work), but were always on top of what their own child was doing in school, reading to them at home, etc. and those children did just as well. As a friend of mine says, you don’t have to be involved in PTA/PTO to be involved in your child’s education.</p>
<p>I went back to work 3 years ago, mine did just as well with me working.</p>
<p>I think you just have to do what works for you and for your family.</p>
<p>Totally agree with you FallGirl - you have to do what works for you and your family. </p>
<p>I have always been a SAHM and I couldn’t imagine our family functioning (especially my husband) if I worked. Do I think my kids were at an academic advantage because I was home? No, I think that comes from the family philosophy on education, not from having one parent home.</p>
<p>I am happy being home and it makes life easier for everyone but if I resented being home life would be miserable for everyone.</p>
<p>I loved being a SAHM, but the downside is the employment issue once the kids are grown. After not working for 18 years, where do you find a real job? </p>
<p>I don’t think it hurts kids if both parents work, but I believe it was very fortunate for my son that I was able to not work. He has some mild learning disorders and I think it made a huge difference for him that I was here every day to work with him.</p>
<p>If I had given up my career to be a SAHM, my kids would not have had the exposure to the kind of work I do, met colleagues of mine and learned about this field. My younger s is interested in an area similar to mine and had the opportunity to intern with a professional I know and used to work with many years ago (my s just went to talk to him about opportunities elsewhere, and they offered my s a summer internship instead!!). I am also one of those who is happier working outside the home, so it worked out all the way around.</p>
<p>My point, there are lots of benefits to having two parents in the workforce. Focusing on GPA or SAT scores is extremely narrow-minded. There is much, MUCH more to life than GPAs and SAT scores. I hope that is not the yardstick by which parents measure their kids success. My kids are “better” because they had the opportunity to see two parents enjoy their family and vocations, develop a work-life balance and support them emotionally, physically and financially.</p>
<p>I have always worked, but I worked out of home when D1 was in high school. I would pick her up from school and drive her and D2 to ballet. It was during those car rides that D1 would talk to me about various issues in her life. To this day, I am still very close with D1. She would tell me a lot of her personal stuff than to her girlfriends.</p>
<p>I went back to work full time 6 years ago, just as D2 enter tween. My work schedule is very packed and often don´t get home until after 7pm. I have less of 1:1 interaction with D2. I don´t know as well how D2 feel, and probably not as close. I don´t know if it´s D2´s personality or the fact I am not home as much. We have moved recently to a place where my commute now is 10 min, and we could drop her off at school on my way to work. I am also able to come home to have dinner or just spend some time with her if I need to go out for work. </p>
<p>I wished I could have stayed home with my kids when they were younger, but just couldn´t do it due to finance. But knowing what I know today, I would advise both of my daughters to not stop working. I think it is possible to balance work and life (one may need to suffer at one time or another), but there is a long life after kids are gone and for various reasons it is still better to be employed.</p>
<p>I didn’t set out to become a SAHM; I finished my doctorate in English while my first two were born. It wasn’t until I had applied for work and got none (this was late '90s; there was no work for English profs) that I really examined the question. I wanted another kid, but it was increasingly clear that three would be more than I could manage as a full-time professor, even if I could get a job. I chose having a third kid and staying home. This allowed, for one thing, my husband to become an entrepreneur–there is no way he could have done so if I had been working the hours I expected as a professor, because someone has to be not only home but present in the children’s lives. My projected income could not compare to the increased income he was able to earn when he was able to focus on his career. I think this is a complicated issue, of course, but one of the things that matters is what kind of hours each parent is working–if both are out of the house for 70 hours a week, the children are left to raise themselves, or each other, and no amount of extras, in the form of vacations and classes and assistants, can entirely replace the presence of a parent (except perhaps another family member, or a truly committed care-giver of the type that seems more apocryphal than real). Children can do very well despite such a lack, and there are many parents who manage well enough, but there is a price, I think. There are benefits, too, of course–independence, self-sufficiency, self-esteem; but for every kid who develops those there may be another who does not do as well as he or she might with more attention and more security. Every situation is different, every family/parent/child is different, and I do not think that a quantitative approach would be helpful, since the variables exceed the predictables.</p>
<p>One thing that often pleasantly surprises people is this … Because of my H’s completely unpredictable, on-call schedule, we chose to have a live-in housekeeper when the twins were little (which actually turned out to be cheaper than paying for day care for two babies). We have had her in our house and in our lives ever since my twins were one (they are now 18). I cannot underestimate the additional stability that that has given us. I see friends of mine juggle rotating nannies and day care situations and au pairs and frankly it exhausts me watching them.</p>
<p>Haven’t read the whole thread, but the biggest benefit to having a stay-at-home parent, as far as education/college goes, is having someone who has TIME to stay involved, interested, and on top of the paperwork/deadlines/whole process. I live in an excellent public school district. After seeing this topic and thinking about it, I realize that a huge factor in making the schools here so great is that there are so many involved parents who really care about their kids’ educations–including many stay at home parents who have time to volunteer. Because these volunteers are highly educated and skilled in a variety of areas, the students receive even more benefits. Back to school nights are so crowded because both parents attend.</p>
<p>By contrast, a friend who teaches first grade in an inner-city district will, on the first day of school, place a book upside-down and backwards on each kid’s desk. Then she will ask the kids to open their books. Most years, NONE of the kids will turn the book over and around. They don’t know which way it goes. Obviously, there are no books in the homes and no one reads to these kids. The parents don’t care about education. Parent/teacher conferences? No one shows up.</p>
<p>I’ve often had to split back-to-school nights between my twins’ different teachers / classes if my H was called out for a delivery. It’s quite possible that some teacher concluded that I was an “uninvolved parent” due to that, but oh wells, that’s the breaks. I have a friend with triplets and she faces the same thing.</p>
<p>I was thinking of both parents attending for one kid–which is overdoing it IMO (there aren’t enough chairs in the classroom. . .)</p>
<p>This year I have 5 kids (K-12) in three different schools. H works evenings, so never attends. Elementary has two sessions, but middle and high school only have one. I think they understand that many folks have more than one kid in the school at a time (one family has 4 in the elementary school!) so they can’t go to everything.</p>
<p>" Every situation is different, every family/parent/child is different, and I do not think that a quantitative approach would be helpful, since the variables exceed the predictables. "</p>
<p>I absolutely agree. Every situation is different. I also agree that any given school community improves with the presence of educated and dedicated parent volunteers. Those are usually SAH parents. Working parents volunteer to run a booth at the spring fair or volunteer for a time limited activity. This is great and definitely needed! SAH parents usually organize the larger groups like the PTO or large events. The community benefits from the SAH parent, but it is not clear whether the individual child of the stay at home parent benefits in terms of school performance. We should also take note that as parents on CC we represent a small sliver of the “real” pie: we are involved parents with relatively high achieving students. Our kids would, for the most part, do well given many different life scenarios. </p>
<p>Can I just add that I would really like for CC to get spell check!</p>
<p>Yesterday I posted a list of the employment statuses of the parents of kids with top GPAs in my child’s school (SAHM mom/employed dad; SAHM mom/retired dad, PT mom/employed dad, employed mom/employed dad). In the last case, in the interest of providing more information, I added the information that the dad is a teacher (a somewhat more-available-to-kids job) while the mom is a doctor (often, much-less-available). Then the doorbell rang and I posted what I’d written. Some might have interpreted from my list or explanation that I thought both parents shouldn’t work FT–and let me assure you, that is not my belief! I was merely trying to provide what little data I had because the OP asked for data.</p>
<p>I strongly believe that every family should choose what works for the family. I would never, ever say that our choice was better than other families’ choices. In my case, I would have considered going back at least PT, but my first child had health problems at the time, I was nursing, I was exhausted and there was no possible way I could work. Then I had number 2, we moved to another state where I hadn’t taken the bar exam, my husband travelled constantly–I just could not have worked at the time. An outsider could have said that I was throwing away my education (and at least one relative hinted that). Let them talk; I had no other choice.</p>
<p>This was kind of funny: My H and I were talking with my D about careers. Knowing my very active, involved, driven daughter, I thought she might want to be employed always, perhaps with a career with somewhat flexible hours when she had children. I cautioned her that she probably wouldn’t want to get married and be a SAHM mom because she would be bored. H and D started laughing. I said, “No, really, I am just so, so, so bored most of the time!” They laughed harder. I finally realized that they misapplied my boredom statement to the married part, not the SAHM part.</p>
<p>My children do well on standardized tests because they are bright and test well. My D makes all As because she is internally driven. My S makes all As because we know he is at least as smart as my D, and he knows that if his grades fall we will make him cut back on his time-consuming sport to make time to bring them up. None of this has anything to do with my employment status.</p>
<p>I agree with others that any published data on a link between parents’ employment and children’s success could not possibly control for all variables.</p>
<p>Really? Where is this validated? There are PLENTY of kids from two income households at “good schools” (another thing that certainly is in the eye of the beholder). </p>
<p>DadII…I haven’t read this whole thread…I thought your wife stayed home and worked part time bacause she had family members to take care of, not because she (or you) thought it would increase your kids’ chances of getting into “good schools”. Of course if your wife HAD gone back to work full time, your costs for your kids would be higher as they would not have qualified for as much need based aid. Choices choices.</p>
<p>So Dad II, mom with advanced degree is thinking of staying at home during the day while her kids are in school because they happen to know someone (you) whose kids got into a top school and your wife stays at home? Are you serious? </p>
<p>I am sure there is a study out there. And I’m sure it statistically controlled for a host of other factors such as SES and such. And I’m sure, as with most such empirical social studies, that ‘stay at home’ would not possibly be found to explain more than say 11% of the variance. I’m making this number up but be assured, this is the kind of variance you will find because, like with most things, many many factors play a role. </p>
<p>There are many good reasons for adults to work, not work, choose various occupations. Doing so on the basis of explaining so little variance makes absolutely no sense at all. </p>
<p>What I find particularly sad is the dependent variable here isn’t important things like children’s well being, happiness, or even education. It’s all, once again, about this bizarro obsession with a few brands of schools. Brands. Labels. Show off to the inner circle your success as a parent, your kid is a trophy. </p>
<p>As if all is well with your offspring and your parenting ability if only you get the right car window sticker. THAT kind of attitude is far far more negatively impactful on your kids than their mom working or not working will ever be.</p>
<p>DH and I had many discussions about the value of me returning to work vs. the potential loss of financial aid because of our increased income. In fact, I was a SAHM on unpaid medical leave when I joined CC!</p>
<p>One of the (many) things I learned here on CC was that even if I wasn’t working for pay, there was no guarantee that colleges would give us <em>grant</em> $$. We could have had the lower income and gotten lots of loans as financial aid instead – and we’d be doubly bleeped. Made the decision to return to work a little more palatable as I could see that every dollar I make (which goes straight to EFC) is one we’re not borrowing.</p>
<p>The at-home parents I know feel that their job is to raise good kids. You know, just like parents who work full-time.</p>
<p>I get really tired of the speculating on both sides. “My kid is independent because both parents worked.” “My kid is independent because he had the security of an at-home parent.” Good grief, how in the world could you know that? Was there a control child being raised in the opposite enviroment who didn’t turn out so hot?</p>
<p>I was raised by two parents who always worked full-time. I was an at-home parent for most of my son’s childhood. I think I’m pretty great and so is my son. </p>
<p>Anecdotes are not data. The data we do have says that among the best factors for predicting if a child will go to college are the education level of their mother and the families income. I wish all families were able to make a real choice; stipends for at-home caregivers, guarenteed high quality day/elder care for single parents or when both work and job security for all caregivers, be it for children or parents or a spouse.</p>
<p>Yes, most people will feel they made the right decision because well, by the time the kids are in college you can’t go back and change your decision so most people will support the decision they made. Woulda, coulda, shoulda is wasted energy.</p>
<p>Granted I haven’t read the whole thread, but I will… but until then</p>
<p>I was a SAHM and still am. Sure I “worked” because I was one helluva volunteer for all kinds of things - kid and not-kid related. I liked being able to go to all the “parent days” throughout their childhood and felt kinda bad for those who had to run in breathless or not make it at all. I honestly think I have three pretty great kids. No not perfect, but in all the things that really count, they are pretty good.</p>
<p>All of this said… I wish I had worked at a “real job” at least part-time. I am glad to have raised the kind of money and awareness I have for causes and groups. I’ve used my degree and my brain, but did I use them enough? I don’t think so. And it’s not a regret per se, but it’s something tickling the back of my brain now that I am on the other side. Now I am jealous of those with careers and friends completely separate from the lives of their children. But really? It’s all about me.</p>
<p>And that’s the bottom line… there are lots of reasons to work or stay at home, but what is absolute necessary is a happy mom. If that happy mom works… kids are great. And same with the SAHM. Yes, I had a choice and happiness is relative to having it. But it’s all about a frame of mine that way. But I know quite a few stay at home mom’s that felt numbed by being home all day and I know working moms who worked who were NEVER there for their kids. Honestly, I think the deficiencies would produce the same problem kids. I am glad to have raised my children and done all that vicarious teaching that, at one point in my young life I wanted to do. But then I saw how many parents just ignored their kids (inner city public school internship) and I just knew that my personality wouldn’t have let me keep my mouth shut. So eventually, I tuned back into that side of myself with my own kids. But now? Got no job, got no prospects and in another year come spring, I will be an full fledged empty-nester. Yikes…</p>