Benefit of one parent staying home

Parent Cafe
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<p>It’s complicated.</p>

<p>For me it was less a matter of outright choice and more moral necessity to work only part-time during their upbringing. But the difference I saw between self and those who chose to work more or had to work more, was availability for e.c.'s. Depends on the e.c.'s, of course. In our case, they would not have been possible without my very active availability to drive and to be present (and to travel). Those whose parents were not available for that were affected in their performance in those. In the case of both D’s, achievement in e.c.'s, while not stand-alone of course, was nevertheless a signficant edge in admissions for both of them. (Comparing, for example, applications vs. admissions results from the same respective classes of theirs, adding in comparisons of GPA & test scores.)</p>

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<p>So Dad II, mom with advanced degree is thinking of staying at home during the day while her kids are in school because they happen to know someone (you) whose kids got into a top school and your wife stays at home? Are you serious?</p>

<p>yep, he seems to be serious.</p>

<p>please do a search of previous posts.</p>

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<p>Imagine the pressure on a kid – I gave up my career for you, you’d better reward me by getting into a top school …</p>

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<p>Egads Pizzagirl. only further proves my point: Ya gotta be happy - or at the very least somewhat content!!</p>

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and you’d better find a way for someone else to foot the bill for it</p>

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<p>epiphany, but with my younger kid it was all about SAT scores. His friends had similar or better grades, and similar or better activities but lower SAT scores. The one with a lot better grades and similar SAT scores is at Yale. Of course not having been in the admissions office it might have been about his essays. He wrote essays about two somewhat unusual activities in a humorous way that I thought was engaging.</p>

<p>Both my kids managed to be involved in ECs that did not require a great deal of driving on my part. </p>

<p>I think that a house full of books, educated conversation and parental expectations are much more important than whether or not you stayed home.</p>

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<p>There have been stories in the news - and quoted on CC but I’m too lazy to look them up - of parents who quit their job when their kid is a junior or senior in hs and devote themselves full-time to the college search and getting their kid into college. Talk about pressure… it’s one thing to stay home when your kids are younger, or stay home to volunteer and be home when your kids get home from school for many years. But to quit while a kid is in high school for the specifically stated purposed of assisting in your child’s college search - yikes :eek:</p>

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<p>lafalum-
Maybe they quit when their kid was a junior to lower their income level and try to qualify for more FA!</p>

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<p>I agree with Modadunn about the importance of maternal happiness. You know what they say, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”</p>

<p>Many women feel guilty about their choice to work or stay at home with the kids, but I suspect that many would still have felt guilty if they had made the opposite choice. For me, it was a case of choosing the lesser of the evils; I felt less bad about myself staying home than when I worked. I decided I could more easily forgive myself for letting myself down by not having a real career, than I could forgive myself for not being as available and involved a mother as I thought I should be. Had certain life circumstances been different (availability of good child care being the biggie), I imagine I might have made the opposite choice.</p>

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<p>Exactly. DadII, I’m not sure what you expect to glean from this. All you’re going to get is a bunch of anecdotes. This isn’t a scientific study, it’s a message board. And this family is thinking of having the wife stay home with the kids because they know ONE PERSON with a stay-at-home mom and an Ivy League kid?? Hey, I read an article about a low-income kid who got into the Ivy League, maybe that guy should also give away all his money. </p>

<p>Alternatively, maybe he and his wife should discuss what THEY want (or in particular what the wife wants, since she would be the one staying home) and they can go from there.</p>

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<p>Why would you choose to mischaracterize what I said, when I said specifically that gpa’s and test scores were matched up with competitors applying to the same colleges, but that e.c.'s could not be considered comparable?</p>

<p>As to houses filled with books, I can’t imagine how, with my history of post contents, you could think that our house was anything but that. I’ve made it clear over the years that I have trouble understanding families without high parental expectations – at least families serious expecting the kids to be motivated toward a 4-year college.</p>

<p>If anything, I think I am challenging the notion that it is necessary to stay home. It accidentally worked out in our case, because, again, the nature of the e.c.'s would never have allowed for full-time work + significant commitment to the activities, because of the time-frames involved, because there were two children of two different ages (which extended the e.c. time commitment, because of competitive categories). I hadn’t predicted those would be e.c.'s, nor had I calculated to diminish my career involvement because of them. Again, it was a moral choice that had accidental benefits. Different e.c.'s could have required less daytime parental involvement.</p>

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<p>Hm. I wonder when this particular categorization will die a natural death? </p>

<p>We might also ask if hair color, drawing ability, or political affiliation plays a part.</p>

<p>I find the “mommy wars” an endless source of hostility and misunderstanding.</p>

<p>One study found that kids with a stay-at-home parent actually have less face time with their parents than parents straining to provide “quality time.” I would throw these results out as well.</p>

<p>epiphany: You have always been an extremely intelligent organized poster. And the above post is no exception. I thought looking at it that its structure an organization even looks intelligent.</p>

<p>This bears out my contention that I don’t think we could tell the families in which there was a stay-at-home parent from those that didn’t have a stay-at-home parent by parental posts or college outcomes. A poster on page one or two contended she could tell the stay-at-homes because they are the gossipers. I don’t think that’s accurate either.</p>

<p>I have always worked as a college professor. I was a stay-at-home parent for one year only because that year I had a sabbatical. Added to my rather heavy course load was a one-hour-each way commute.</p>

<p>Both my kids had a very strong EC page for their applications. Factors that facilitated that were a high school within walking distance and a major university that was only a ten minute drive replete with many opportunities for pre-frosh research and music study. H also owned his own business. His place of business is within our town, although not within our home.</p>

<p>Each family is unique and each set of circumstances are unique, and I don’t think statistical correlations will come along that make it easier to make these choices. Many circumstances produce productive, successive and happy children and many circumstances produce the opposite as well.</p>

<p>I was quite fortunate in being able to stay home with my kids until they were two and four without losing my job. We have a good union. I don’t know if this benefitted them; I know it benefitted me. When I realized I had to go back to work I was unhappy, but honestly more for myself.</p>

<p>Now I realize it was fortunate that I did. My career is as much part of me as my children, although they certainly are more important. </p>

<p>Both attended the school of his/her dreams, and the second is now graduating. I am still working.</p>

<p>This is just our family scenario. I would never think to impose it.</p>

<p>To answer the OP’s question: the parent in question (it seems that it is the wife by the way the post reads) should decide what is best for their family and know she can provide an environment in which her children will succeed no matter which she chooses. When I tearfully went back to work I was afraid I was shortchanging my children. My H asked, “what if you are going back to work for them?” </p>

<p>Some days I might have preferred to stay home, some days the kids might have preferred I stay home, and some days I was home they probably wished I wasn’t. LOL.
We all slogged along.</p>

<p>To families with stay at home parents: I have the same respect for your families.</p>

<p>I wish we could give the mommy wars a rest.</p>

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<p>I was a single parent from the day I got pregnant. lost my job 2 weeks after my son was born. was out of work (not by choice) for 18 months. This was back when you only got 26 weeks of unemployment pay. Luckily for me, I had saved enough $$ to tide us over. I did get WIC and medicade for my son until I went back to work fulltime when he was 19 months old. I had him in full time daycare since he was 14 months old (I was in a job training program).</p>

<p>Fast forward… Son graduated HS in 2007, got 2250 on SAT and got a huge scholarship to NYU (yes, the notoriously stingy NYU has given my son $125,000 in scholarship over 4 years).</p>

<p>My son has never met his father, is on track to graduate with a double major in history/politics and has always been on the dean’s list (lowest college grade was b+) with a GPA of 3.7 or better.</p>

<p>I never went to college so I was determined that did not happen to my son.</p>

<p>He’s going to take the foreign service office test for a State Dept job next week. </p>

<p>OTOH, I know some younger SAHM with children under 5 and they are on their computer and phone all day while the kid is in front of the tv. I already see these kids as being behind what my son knew at a similar age.</p>

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<p>epiphany, I didn’t mean to mischaracterize what you said. Just providing some counter-examples. I think the fact that you have a house full of books and talked to your kids is probably as important as the EC in the development of your kids. Was the EC a tip? Perhaps. Just as my kid’s ECs may have been.</p>

<p>I think I was very lucky to have the best of both worlds - a somewhat less than full time job where I made my own hours for the most part. </p>

<p>I don’t want to be part of the Mommy wars - what I wish is that we had a society where everyone could work flexible hours and fewer of them. Somehow in the last 20 years the expectations seems to have gone from you will work 35-40 hours to you will work non-stop.</p>

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<p>mathmom – I didn’t read the entire thread, and was certainly not targeting you or anyone else in my comments. I was responding to the terms of the question.</p>

<p>I think you did have a good situation, and your wish for everyone that we had a more flexible society is certainly something that <em>would</em> benefit everyone.</p>

<p>I also benefitted from not having to punch a 9 to 5 clock and having my summers off as well as winter breaks.</p>

<p>I don’t think I could have handled the pressure of a corporate job and child rearing. But I have no doubt that there are moms who can, brilliantly.</p>

<p>Oh, and SueinPhilly, I like to think it’s grade deflation at Williams, but my S would never have a 3.7, and deans list is the top ten per cent, so nope, never made that either. However, I don’t think I can totally comfort myself with that. So, kudos to your son. I feel a bit envious. Got to admit, and just saying.</p>

<p>I know how hard your struggle has been from other threads and kudos to you as well.</p>

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<p>I asked for a simple question. Apparently there is not a simple answer. Many thanks to most of posters for sharing their point of views.</p>

<p>On the other hand, I can not understand why some have such a negative mind setting. Somehow they impose negative intensions from every simple statement. Well, it is their right of free speech. </p>

<p>Thanks again, to most of you.</p>

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<p>I’m at the other end of the spectrum from most of you…my kids are far from college and I only come on CC occasionally b/c I was helping a friend who was interested in one of the schools I attended. </p>

<p>I’m currently a SAHM whose youngest just started K. I have an MBA from a school consistently ranked in in the top 5 (and most often #1 or 2) and a BA in Math/Bio from a top 20 liberal arts college. I knew from Day 1 that I would stay home (or not work more than part time) – my DH and I got married young and this was a big point of discussion for us. We didn’t have our first child for 10 years and I spent that time working in pretty high powered, high paying jobs. For our family, me being home just works. My DH is an entrepreneur and doesn’t have a lot of flexibility. My old jobs would not have lent themselves to being flexible either, so while I occasionally do the odd consulting project, for now, I spend my days volunteering, training (I do Ironman triathlons) and doing all the things that make our family time less hectic and easier. I get that this is a pretty privileged life. I try to keep in touch with my former career by doing a little consulting in case I need to go back, but my intention is never to go back. I completely understand that many people need to work. We’re a little behind on college savings, but my DHs business is going well and I anticipate we’ll be caught up in the next year or two. But, on the other hand, we just made different choices. We do go on vacations, but generally to see family (or a weekend in the mountains); only 1/2 of our older house is furnished; we drive 10+ year old cars and shop at Target. But, my kids get tons of private music lessons, sports, etc. It’s all about choices and priorities…ours aren’t any more valid than anyone else’s choices …they’re just ours. </p>

<p>As for the OP question/interest, I don’t think whether I work or not is the determining factor in where my kids get into college. But, in some ways it easier for me to be involved in the school aspects of their education b/c I’m there 1x per week in each class volunteering. If the teacher gives some complicated instructions on a math assignment and I was there to hear it then later that night if my DD is struggling with something, I have a little more basis for assisting her. At the end of the day though, it’s the fact that I’m engaged that allows me to know if she needs help or not and if I worked and we had the same issue, I would just get on the phone with her teacher or one of the parents who volunteers, ask my question, help my kid and get it done that way. So, while for me staying home, makes being engaged easier, I know it’s a luxury and I’m sure I would continue to be engaged if I worked.</p>

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<p>Our “negative mind set,” Dad II, is based on the assumption that getting a kid into one of the most elite schools in the country is SO VERY IMPORTANT AND CRITICAL that the entire family’s life structure should revolve around that. Or that it would be some awful thing if the kid “only” got into #11-20 instead of #1-10. If the kid is smart, he’ll get into a good school. If he’s not smart, he won’t. It pretty much comes down to the kid and having a supportive family environment, which is not predicated upon the working status of the parents.</p>

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<p>Dad II,
I respect your question, and I don’t see anything wrong with it. I am curious about it as well. It would just be another data point (or not) on “how to get into top colleges.” Parents should not take the inquiry personally. I think someone ought to undertake a study of students attending the top 20 or whatever colleges and determine whether they had a stay home parent or not. It would be interesting and helpful to those who care about these things.</p>

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<p>sueinphilly, You rock. I wish I had a better vocabulary to tell you how much I admire what you did for yourself and your son but all I can come up with is…you rock!</p>