Best Essay Ever or Pure Garbage?

College Essays
1

<p>It's the diversity prompt. At first, I was quite proud of it. However, I have had a couple people read it and they have said anywhere from "One of the best college essays I have read in a long time.." to "Cliche -- garbage" -- yeah, I know that person was pretty harsh. Rate it 1-10 and tell me what good/bad too please. Thanks</p>

<p>"What are you?" What people usually mean when they ask this is, "What is your ethnic background?" However, I always reply with, "I am a human." I am a shaggyhaired, Florida-tanned teen, sporting the average interblend of PacSun, American Eagle, and Old Navy brand wear. I am a typical person whose identity is hidden behind a dusty mirror of social prejudices.</p>

<p>The dust begins to disperse as most people, their annoyance betrayed by their wrinkled foreheads, deem me ignorant, assuming I misunderstood the question. But I am human. I am neither attempting to be clever nor am I trying to elude. In an attempt to see the other side, to catch a glimpse at the aged mirror's reflection, the questioning continues until my ancestry is asked. To this, I respond: "I am an Afghan."</p>

<p>Despite my reflection radiating through the mirror, the dust still coats it, masking my reluctance as alleged anxiety. Because people cannot see neither themselves nor me through the mirror, my motives are misinterpreted. They assume, based off their perception, that I have something to hide. But there is nothing. I am simply human. It is a simple declaration, yet the perplexity baffles many, for there is no definitive definition. What does it mean to be human? As mathematicians assert, there are "infinitely many solutions." Beneath the dust, there is a reflection of me, and of you, and we both long for the same desires.</p>

<p>I clean my mirror and realize this innate truth through my daily routine. My mornings are rushed, yet minute details crystallize the moment. While I prepare my classic American PB&J, already thinking about lunch, my mom stuffs the kitchen with exotic spices and curries native to her culture. When I approach my lunch table, I unpack my dusted mirror. As I remove my sandwich and Oreos, I delve into high school conversation, discussing homecoming, probable calculus quizzes, and the presidential election. At this moment in time, the people I am surrounded by constitute as a family, swiping the mirror clean of dust.</p>

<p>I return home, greeted by a family dinner. Here, in my dining room, the spices and curries my mother rustled with in the morning attack my olfactory powerhouse. Slowly, the spices wipe my mirror. Dinner is served. Traditional meals of qorma - a chicken casserole packed with curried onions - and rice pallow – a dish consisting of meats, carrots, and raisins – circulates around the table. It seems like a different culture and it is, when caked by dust. However, as the mirror becomes clean, it is evident that my two seemingly disparate worlds are identical. My father begins his rant about work, soon accompanied by my mother's addition, and then I contribute with my college worries. At this point, my brother interrupts, talking about his car. Both of these tables are communions, families, and havens, where joy intersects with fear, where Oreos and qormas meet. </p>

<p>As I peer into the mirror; I see my own dustless reflection, and I realize my roles in Vanderbilt University will not be to diversify the campus but rather reveal the commonality within the walls of diversity. I am rockerguy. An Afghan. An American. A human. A Commodore."</p>

2

<p>two. three max</p>

3

<p>interesting metaphor, but it didn’t quite do it for me. I would say a six.</p>

4

<p>not bad. 7 for me.</p>

5

<p>Hmm…perhaps I’m missing a critical point, but I don’t really understand your metaphor.</p>

<p>If someone is looking in a mirror, they’re not looking at you, they’re looking at themselves. A dusty mirror would describe someone who is unsure of who they are.</p>

<p>If you’re plagued by a dusty mirror, that would mean that you are too wrapped up in societal norms to see yourself, which can’t really be seen as a positive quality.</p>

<p>I don’t know, that’s just my interpretation. Perhaps for you the mirror is clean, but you fog up other people’s mirrors? The metaphor is intriguing, but underdeveloped and awkward. You want the meaning of your essay to be apparent at first glance, the reader should not have to think it through.</p>

<p>Also, you use a lot of words and concepts either incorrectly or redundantly, and it gives the impression that you’re trying too hard and just not getting there. I would pull back a little bit and let your values speak for themselves.</p>

<p>Overall, I like the general idea, but it is definitely a little cliched. Every kid who’s not a christian white male is going to be writing about diversity, so it’s difficult to portray any semblance of individuality with that topic. </p>

<p>Don’t take any of my criticism personally, I really think you have it in you to write an amazing essay, its just that this one isn’t it.</p>

<p>4, maybe 5, out of 10.</p>

6

<p>o.0 what is up with you guys? I really, really liked this essay.
Well, granted I haven’t read too many college essays, so maybe this is hackneyed beyond comparison, but I thought the dust metaphor was extremely clever.</p>

<p>Maybe I can relate better because I am first generation Korean, so I know what you’re talking about. Going home to speak a different language and be immersed in a completely different culture can be difficult.</p>

<p>But some advice - I would try to organize the essay better. I experience what you are talking about regularly, so I get a good general vibe. But you go between “wiping off the dust” to “dusty mirror” so often that I can’t really be sure which side you’re talking about. It might be better to talk about prejudice for the first half of your essay then shift over to wiping off the dust at home. You hope to do the same at Vanderbilt in your conclusion.</p>

<p>But yeah 9 or 10/10 imho. I don’t get why that first poster rated you so low…
I think the reason you’re getting such mixed reviews is that your organization is confusing a lot of people xD</p>

7

<p>I really like the idea of your image as a dusty mirror being a metaphor for the observer’s own prejudgments. If you referred more to the onlooker in remarking on the clearing of the dust, the metaphor would be more comprehensible. Zapakovex introduces the idea of fog on the mirror; you might use fog, fingerprints, smears as ways for your observer to impose his preconceptions on what he sees in the mirror. You need to keep it pretty straightforward or you will lose your audience.</p>

<p>Since the object of any college essay is to reveal yourself to the reader, I think you’ve chosen a great vehicle for doing that, but you really don’t get down to business until the fourth paragraph. While I think it’s fine to acknowledge the negative receptions you encounter, it’s best not to dwell on them for the first three paragraphs. Better to acknowledge the negativity and move on immediately to what wonderful things await the observer who looks around the mirror–or gets close enough to see it’s a two-way mirror. </p>

<p>I also don’t think it’s necessary or desirable to blatantly state your understanding of your role at Vanderbilt. Let your essay reveal you as a human and let them envision you on their campus–they already know you’re projecting to them. I think this, “I am rockerguy. An Afghan. An American. A human.”, works. This, “A commodore”, loses me.</p>

<p>As for a number grade…it’s not ready for grading, but on the road to a high mark!</p>

8

<p>I liked it. Cool idea. I give you a star.</p>

9

<p>When I first read “I am a typical person” I thought you meant that the typical person wears American Eagle and PacSun, and I almost laughed, but then I realized that you meant most people have social prejudices and I calmed down :)</p>

<p>I’m going to be honest – I’m an experienced writer and editor, but I didn’t really get the mirror metaphor. Not that I didn’t get what you are trying to do, but the problem is that mirrors generally refer to reflections (as in, things that you yourself look into) whereas WINDOWS are things that other people see you through. I think a window would be a more appropriate metaphor – the idea of there being a dusty window that people wish to see through and that your every day experiences dust away the window and offer a view into your persona fits more. (It’s just like zapakovex says – a dusty mirror evokes images of a person who is uncertain by their own identity.)</p>

<p>Anyway, I’m not sure exactly what the prompt is but if the essay is supposed to talk about how you will contribute to diversity on Vanderbilt’s campus, you didn’t really answer that. Actually, your second-to-last sentence is more intriguing, about revealing the commonality within all people. </p>

<p>Just like Z, I like the general idea, but you do seem to use a lot of concepts incorrectly and it gives the impression that you’re trying too hard. Just write like yourself. Let yourself shine through. I’m not really getting a lot about what you think about diversity here, except for that line about the commonality of people who appear diverse, and I found myself wishing you would expound on that idea.</p>

<p>I don’t really do number grades that well, as they aren’t as useful as written comments. Perhaps a 6?</p>

10

<p>Oh wow, thanks for all the in-depth comments and critiques. As per real life, most people questioned or did not understand why I used the mirror metaphor vs. a window metaphor.</p>

<p>Both the AP English Lit teachers understood why I used to mirror metaphor and thought it felt it was more appropriate than a window metaphor. </p>

<p>It’s quite late, but I feel because you guys gave such thorough and thoughtful responses that it warrants a response by me before I have to get off CC for a exam week lol. </p>

<p>juillet and zapak, the reason why I used the mirror because I am trying to tackle both how I view myself in humanity and how others view me as a person too.</p>

<p>Obviously, like you guys mentioned, mirrors are typically used as a reflection of oneself so I do not need to delve deep on the reasoning for that. Without getting too philosophical, what I was trying to indirectly show is that our paradigm of ourselves are affected by social, cultural, racial and etc. “dusts”. Growing up, I was told by many that I was first a “Muslim” or a “Afghan” or a “Middle Easterner” or an “Outsider”, and then at school I was taught I was first an “American” “a Democratic Citizen”. Where did my loyalties lie? Which culture to adopt? When I started viewing myself, and others as certain subgroups – take as a American – a Christian – a Jew. I started to get biases and preferences (mostly subconscious, but it was there). I think we all have a tendency to this.</p>

<p>Well anyway, I should get off that tangent. So, my point is that in my writing I show that whenever I eat with people, no matter what group of people, the dust swipes clean. That reminds me the commonality within all people and of all humanity. </p>

<p>The reason why the mirror is used as a metaphor for social prejudices from society is because we can never know really know who a person is. We can just see an image of them – based off our own perceptions and paradigm.If we have a open view to fellow humans, it should be a mirror image of them, but most of the times it is not. I also thought the mirror was appropriate, because whenever I tell people “I am human” or “I am an Afghan”, I look straight at their eyes and see a reflection of myself from their eyes – like a mirror. And depending how they response, I can tell if my ancestry has a negative impact or neutral or positive (unfortunately, it is usually the former rather than the latter).</p>

<p>Okay, so I have no idea if that made sense, because I am tired, but hopefully it made some sense. All my teachers caught what I was trying to say with an explanation, but maybe cause they’re into Lit and can catch things easier (idk?). But to be honest, I am rather nervous that I have to explain it so extensively to about 90% of the people who read before they get it, and I do not know how the adcoms will react to it. I already got accepted to 4 schools with that essay…but I was at/above the 75th percentile for those school so I don’t know if a bad essay would affected me much.</p>

<p>Ahh, anyway, thanks a lot for all the opinions, compliment, and critiques. I appreciate all of it, and thanks for even reading it. Hopefully this post made some sense, because I am practically writing with my eyes closed.</p>