<p>The Anonymous Lawyer's Law-Firm Layoff Memo</p>
<p>Jeremy Blachman, the founder of the Anonymous Lawyer blog, author of a (very funny) novel of the same name, and a past contributor to the Law Blog (here, here), gives his humorous take today on the past 18 months or so in the world of BigLaw. His medium: a phony layoff memo handed down by a fictional law firm.</p>
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<p>TO: All Partners, Associates, and Staff</p>
<p>RE: Layoffs</p>
<p>Just kidding. Scared you there, didn't we? But, no, there will be no layoffs, and, contrary to what you might be thinking, we're actually doing quite well. Banner year at the firm. Free tap water for everyone. On Tuesdays.</p>
<p>Sure, you may think it's the economy that led to our decision earlier this year to postpone the start date for the class of 2009 until 2010. And then to 2011. And, just last week, to the third quarter of 2016. But, no, it's not related to the global downturn at all-and we take issue with the implication that we don't have enough work for these incoming associates. We have plenty of work. In fact, we're deferring the start date simply to make sure incoming associates are as well-rested as possible before they begin their jobs, and that they'll be able to handle the crushing workload we have for each of them.</p>
<p>You may also think our announced cancellation of the 2009 on-campus recruiting season was motivated by economic uncertainty. Wrong again. We recently received word that some of the skewers of chicken satay we had purchased for the on-campus receptions may have been tainted with salmonella. The only solution was to move the receptions to 2010, so that we would have time to order new chicken. That's all.</p>
<p>And then of course there's our new "full-time work for part-time pay" scheduling initiative, as well as voluntary sabbaticals, public interest fellowships, and the repeated encouragement to take some unpaid leave, travel the world, find a new job. We assure you none of these initiatives are related to troubles on our balance sheet. We are simply exploring more flexible work arrangements, including some arrangements where you no longer work here and we no longer pay you. It has nothing to do with any alleged recession, we promise. You can trust us. It says so on the website we've stopped updating due to a reprioritization of technology resources.</p>
<p>We'd also like to take this opportunity to remind you about our "Green Energy" program. The environment has always been something we've intended to care about, and now we've decided to finally make the bold claims in our recruiting materials a reality. In that spirit-and having no relationship at all to any sort of cash flow difficulties you may have heard we are facing (not true)-beginning this Friday, our building will no longer have electricity. This bold decision will empower everyone at the firm to find new alternatives to power, light, and the copy machine. We have an opportunity to lead the way in terms of our commitment to environmental responsibility. It's a challenge we have ignored for too long, but will now embrace. (Please note: the elevators will still be operational- we'll be hand-cranking them. Actually, you'll be hand-cranking them. Please bring your own crank.)</p>
<p>There will also be a small accounting change reflected in your next paycheck, completely unrelated to the negative balance in the account from which we pay your salaries. Effective immediately, rather than United States currency, you will now be paid in FirmBux. FirmBux are redeemable in our new store, Boutique FirmBux, for office supplies, old firm t-shirts, fleece sweatshirts and gym shorts.</p>
<p>We are also looking for associates to staff Boutique FirmBux. If you happen to have some free time on your schedule-and we believe some of you do-please report to the boutique, which will be located in the room where we used to keep those big plastic boxes which stored our data and connected us to the Internet. We don't have those anymore; we sold them. Not because we needed the money. Just because we needed a place to put the store. Seriously.</p>
<p>On a related note, we are aware that many of you are frustrated that a significant percentage of your assignments seem like busywork, designed merely to occupy you without actually adding any value to the firm. We understand, and to address this problem (and not-we repeat, NOT-because we couldn't afford to keep paying our support staff), we will now be rotating everyone through the cleaning crew, security department, and window washing teams. Just for fun, we will also be collecting two vials of blood from associates each Thursday - and, from selected female associates, eggs.</p>
<p>Finally, our health insurer, after receiving our most recent check for premiums, has asked us to expand our Family Leave program. If you have a family, please leave.</p>
<p>We know that conspiracy theorists among you may be thinking that these new policies sound like the kinds of things we would be doing if we had no money, and that you may not believe the much more straightforward explanations we have offered here. We are sorry you feel that way. But if you do find yourself doubting our motives, we urge you to leave the firm. We don't want anyone here who doesn't believe in us. Please, really, you can quit. It's okay. We'll understand. We'll even pay you two weeks of severance. In FirmBux.</p>
<p>Here's to our continued success!</p>
<p>Sincerely,</p>
<p>The Firm.</p>