Bittersweet Goodbye..mom needs advice.

Parents Forum
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<p>Look back over these posts, and zero in on gender. I think therein lies the difference.</p>

<p>I have boy-girl twins, leaving in 2 & 3 weeks for freshman year. Although both have been working full-time, when daughter comes home from work she has been busily shopping, packing, communicating with/texting her roommate, deciding who’s bringing what, shopping more, planning, making lists, etc.</p>

<p>Son flops in bed when he gets home from work, downloads music from his laptop, takes a long nap, then goes out with friends. Room is a total mess, and we had to drag him to get some clothes and supplies, all of which is still on his floor, along with piles of laundry, CDs, books, all sorts of junk. Not one thing is packed, and we kind of get the sense he’d be just as happy getting to school with only the shirt on his back.</p>

<p>But I want to stress something very important: Both kids, yes my son as well, are totally excited to be heading off to college.</p>

<p>Somebody alluded to it several posts back. And my husband confirmed it. *Boys are wired differently than girls. * When I was heading off to college, I behaved much like my daughter behaves now. My husband told me when he headed off to college, he packed up his stuff around 30 minutes before they took off, and he rarely discussed it with anyone.</p>

<p>Again, read back through this thread, and you’ll see “my son is very much like yours”, or “nah, my daughter isn’t acting like that.”</p>

<p>;)</p>

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<p>TNMom2Three</p>

<p>I have a slightly different reaction to reading your post. It says to me that you are questioning your parenting with your son, and that you recognize that you may not have developed the well rounded child that you wanted. In your quest to prepare him for his future, you focused on the academics. Nothing wrong with that. But now that it’s almost time to say goodbye, you can more realistically evaluate his strengths and weaknesses, and you’re feeling some guilt regarding his weaknesses.</p>

<p>I don’t have advice, but if it were me, I think I would sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel. But also let him know that you are proud of who he is, and realize that you can’t change him in a few weeks time. You have every right to let him know exactly how you feel about each of the situations you presented in your post, as each situation occurs. Then let him take responsibility for his own actions. (Easier said than done.)</p>

<p>You’re not the first parent in this situation, nor will you be the last. I’m positive you have done an outstanding job raising this son of yours, and he will go on to accomplish great things. Cherish these last few weeks you have with him.</p>

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<p>TNMom and Mom2–Another clone here: Eagle Scout, 4.0 +, NMS, AP’s etc., now glued to computer listening to music nonstop with few breaks for food, showers, and don’t even get me started about teethbrushing…thank goodness the computer is in our dining room or we might never see him…no interest whatsoever in gathering college gear…</p>

<p>Agree with those who have said ours are prepared academically, but now we’re worried about the other dimensions. At the most basic level, I worry that I did not do everything exactly right as a parent (which of course I didn’t!). However, I am trying mightily and fairly successfully to keep Northstarmom’s advice foremost in my mind that if this behavior is our biggst concern, it’s a relatively minor issue. I want our last weeks to be as pleasant as possible. </p>

<p>One thing we’ve done to help distract us from the empty nest syndrome is plan a fun vacation with my sis and BIL after our respective boys leave for college. Realizing that is not an option everyone can select, it’s been a great mood-booster for me–life beyond empty-nest is already looking exciting with a trip to the Canadian Rockies on the horizon!!</p>

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<p>Both my S’s behaved similiarly, not playing computer games but when not working,they were constantly off with their friends. Sometimes they came home at night and sometimes not. It was all about senior summer fun for them.</p>

<p>Neither were the least bit interested in shopping for college stuff. Both were more than happy for DH and I to make the giant Wal-Mart run and get whatever we thought they would need.<br>
Both packed it all up and threw it in the truck on the morning of move-in day and off we went.<br>
In my “girl” mind, I wanted them to be all interested in all the little details but they were not. In the end, it didn’t matter at all.</p>

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<p>“One thing we’ve done to help distract us from the empty nest syndrome is plan a fun vacation with my sis and BIL after our respective boys leave for college. Realizing that is not an option everyone can select, it’s been a great mood-booster for me–life beyond empty-nest is already looking exciting with a trip to the Canadian Rockies on the horizon!!”</p>

<p>That’s a great idea. For people who can’t afford that, a nice overnight or even a pleasant staycation at home could be something to look forward to.</p>

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<p>^^We did that last yr. Dropped S2 and headed to the beach( 2 hrs. fr. his sch.) for a few days.<br>
It really helped to have something fun to look forward after the drop-off.</p>

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<p>Again, thank you all for you advice. After I read the first ones, I chilled somewhat and took my son out to dinner last night and when he got in the car with his Ipod and headphones, I asked him if we could talk instead of him listening to his music. I shared with him that I was just worried that I hadn’t taught him enough life lessons and I wanted him to be able to take care of himself. He fails sometimes to just humor me and listen, and it hurts a little when he snickers at me. But I guess I did the same to my mom.</p>

<p>Maybe I’ve hit on part of the issue when I wonder if I’ve done a good job. I guess his lack of “getting ready” makes me wonder if he has lost interest in education. I know he hasn’t and being a believer in God having a plan for each us, somehow in the video game playing a full circle has occurred. He told people for years that when he grew up he wanted to be an architect. There is not a napkin at any restaurant that we have gone to that has not become his doodle pad, whether it is math problems, sketches of cartography, shapes of countries, his own version of Risk, or houseplans. For Christmas he asked for a book called “Skyscrapers”, and it is mostly the structual images. But for some reason when declaring his major he changed to aerospace engineering. A week or so ago he bought Sims3 and has been building houses on the game (nobody lives in them…ha) and last night while waiting at the restaurant we sat on a bench outside and he said “I think I’m changing to civil engineering and minoring in architechure”. I asked him why and his imagination was unleashed. We tallked about the choices he will have ahead and he’s already got his sights set on grad school at MIT. Whether that comes to be or not is up to him, but yeah, he’s ready. The life lessons will have to come through trial and error. </p>

<p>Me? I cried at the responses, and felt better with the Mom2Three son being just like mine…honestly. My son has taken the hardest classest offered, dual classes, got a 4 on his chem AP so he will have enough hours for sophomore status before we know it. I know he will do well. I guess truly it may be ME that I’m more worried about. </p>

<p>Northstar…check the OP on the “empty nest”…that was me.</p>

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<p>(DUH, I just realized your son is already heading off to college, but I’ll leave this in case it helps someone else!)</p>

<p>OP, it sounds as if Architectural Engineering would be a great major for your son! That’s what I majored in. It was a good fit for me because I knew I was interested in BUILDINGS, and if you major in Civil Engineering, you’re going to end up studying drainage, highways, etc. as well. ArchE majors can choose whether to study construction management or concentrate on structural analysis (I chose the latter). At UT-Austin, you can double major in ArchE and Architecture, so you probably can at other schools, too. I didn’t double-major, but I was required to take some architectural design classes.</p>

<p>I don’t know if MIT would be the best choice for his interests. I would suggest he do a search on Architectural Engineering and see what comes up. Not too many schools offer it - Texas, Colorado, Kansas, Kansas State, Penn State, and a few others.</p>

<p>If you have any questions for me, feel free to send me a message! My dad is still an architectural engineering professor at Texas (hmm, I wonder how I ended up there, lol?), and I can always get inside info from him. Texas is one of the top-ranked Civil and Architectural Engineering schools in the country, and they offer some great scholarships for good students. They also give in-state tuition for OOS students if they get an academic (NOT athletic) scholarship of at least $1000.</p>

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<p>“Northstar…check the OP on the “empty nest”…that was me.”</p>

<p>:) I missed that important detail. I hope you’re continuing to follow that thread because as one door in your life is slowly closing, a floor to ceiling window is opening to a world that will allow you to pursue your dreams long deferred and forgotten.</p>

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<p>I don’t see the thread you referred to: “Do check the empty nest thread posted at the top of the Parents Cafe board.” Could you please post a link or provide more details on how to find it? I really need it! Also, I would like to read about parents’ experiences when kids come home from college for the summer. The summer after high school graduation was horrible which I would never have anticipated and it helped to learn that this is not unusual. Now seeking info on subsequent horrible summers. Thank you from a sad Mom.</p>

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<p>Cool story, bro.</p>

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<p>OP, you’ve gotten great advice. Many of our kids have worked so hard in HS or at least, lived in a state of relatively high state of stress, that they need some down time. I think that is what your son needed. He’s obviously a bright, ambitious kid. In the right situation, he’ll shine again and his ambition and intellectual curiosity will revive. I think his new animation with civil engineering and architecture is consistent with this. </p>

<p>Now, what to do next? You can pour yourself into becoming much better at what you do at work (and moving to the next level). Or, if you don’t relish becoming a workaholic, this is a great opportunity to figure out how you’d like to make your next contribution to the world (your child/children were at least one of the previous ones). I have not yet emptied the next, S on his way to college and D a rising junior at a private school in our town with half boarders so she often eats all three meals there (part of the outrageously high tuition), but I’ve already begun two new projects. This is an opportunity for you to look for something that would add meaning to your life. Small scale (one-to-one mentoring of disadvantaged kids); large scale (work on project to reduce climate change); medium scale (collect books for library in poor town or in area of poor country). I’m a big believer in using the skills you already have to figure out how to make a difference outside of work.</p>

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<p>Empty nest advice thread: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/681300-so-what-do-you-do-empty-nest.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/681300-so-what-do-you-do-empty-nest.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read the OP. TNMom2Three- how long have you been hiding in my house doing a documentary on my S and me?</p>

<p>You have described my family perfectly well: smart kid playing computer games all summer with no demonstrated interest in getting ready for college this fall.</p>

<p>For me, the worst part is dealing with H’s anxiety (and blame) on top of my own anxiety about the whole situation.</p>

<p>I actually have known all these years that S is lacking in work ethnic and organizational skills. However, he consistently pulled As in a very vigorous HS curriculum while playing a lot of video games and doing very little homework at home (turned out he finished most of his homework in class…). So far, he is able to get away with being a high achiever without doing much work. I know, and I have told S, that sooner or later that this lack of work ethnic will catch up with him.</p>

<p>One of his HS teachers told me that S never took notes in his AP class. OMG, how can he go thru college without taking notes? And the total lack of organization in his backpack and school stuff… (despite various attempts to show up how to organize things).</p>

<p>I’m afraid that it will be swim or sink when S gets to college. I keep thinking of the train wreck that is to come. And I worry, and worry, knowing that I just have to let him learn some important lessons by himself (any “intense coaching/nagging” is just a waste of time at this point).</p>

<p>I have consciously tried to make this summer as pleasant as possible for S and me. I mostly just let him be. So far, S has made NO purchase for his upcoming college education, no laptop, no sheets, no towels, no clothes, no anything! Whenever I put the college snail mail in front of him (between the chair and the computer screen), he has the nerve to ask me “what do they want?” I only nag when I can’t take it any more! :)</p>

<p>I constantly remind myself that S is a sweet kid (he really is) and this, too, shall pass.</p>

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<p>You should do the shopping for your son like most mothers of sons, it will take forever if you wait until he’s moving in. You will see mothers and daughters at the stores and discover the mothers by themselves usually have sons- most males don’t seem to have a shopping gene. I found out the color of sheets/comforter/towels and other such preferences and made the purchases. Sometimes I brought things home to let him choose and returned rejected items- a lot easier than making him shop. It took a looong time to buy the few items still needed (how much time does it take to get mouthwash and a light bulb???) at the college town Target/Walmart. I’m the practical, concrete, organized one and set son up with needed items. Now he knows what he wants- second year in the dorms he took less, but 90 some % of what I had available was used. Likewise with an apartment. I put purchases and home stuff on the dining room table and he chose what to take. He is a last minute packer- typically the day of the move (I’ll never forget that as a freshman he asked “which clothes should I bring” and I told him “all of the ones you want to wear, you’re moving there” or some such reply), starting when I was hoping to be finished loading the car.</p>

<p>Son also was a top HS student and started right off with a rigorous class load. Don’t worry, he’ll do fine with the college academics. My son has done well, but you would never know it from his at home behaviors summers and vacations. I think it goes along with guys not caring about some things- they don’t decorate their rooms (son’s was a mess). He did fine this summer with everything for living far away- getting him to and from the airport is our only role. He even arranged for and took the GRE before he left. It is frustrating but they eventually get things done. This summer he actually put away the clothes he didn’t take, and cleared his mess- shocking me, I was expecting to do a major cleanup like before the past years of school. I think he did his packing/cleaning as an “all-nighter” and was ready to go when he needed to be. Not how I would have planned my time, but it got done. He’ll move into his fall apt one week after his return- he wants a bit of “R&R” before going back to a college environment. H sees no problem with getting the things he’ll need in the college town, I know we will have a rented truck for furniture and that it will take long enough to buy perishables without having to get everything else the day of the move.</p>

<p>Don’t worry, instead enjoy the good times you have with him this summer. Your mantra can be like mine- “September is coming and it will all be over with” when thinking of all that needs to be done. The semester doesn’t start until he gets to campus, no need to do the work until then. He probably already knows everything he needs to for his placement exams (he should read the instructions so he has the pencils or such he needs, unlike my son who had to buy some near campus). It won’t hurt him to be “brain dead” now. I worried about my son waking up for classes since it took a parent’s help when his obnoxious alarm went off- he did fine. Being away from parents in a place they want to be is a motivator for doing what is needed to succeed. Surprisingly, they do get things done- but at the last minute, not your timetable. So, do what you can, then relax and be prepared for the stress of his last minute efforts.</p>

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<p>Calm down. He spent four years just busting his butt to get into an elite college, which I’m sure he did. There’s nothing in his past record to suggest that he lacks motivation. He doesn’t see the point in getting a menial job that will likely net him a couple thousand bucks at most that he’ll have no interest in, most likely because, unless he particularly needs the money, there isn’t one. His potential isn’t going to go to waste. People don’t change, by and large (well, except in cases of hard drug abuse, but that doesn’t seem to be a problem here.) Your kid seems to have done well in many areas, not just school (Eagle Scout, e.g.) He’ll be fine. He might take a semester to get adjusted to living on his own, but that doesn’t even necessarily mean his grades will be negatively impacted.</p>

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<p>Don’t make assumptions about gender :slight_smile: Although my D is working and very hard this summer and was willing to shop she is very reluctant to focus on the leaving and doesn’t act excited often except for momentary glimpses - most;y avoids the college facebook page for her class, won’t ask any questions for fear of looking silly and has to be reminded a lot to make deadlines for placement tests etc. I will say she is always one who is anxious about change even though she would say she is very ready to leave. I also think she is someone who deals with things better when she is there and they are concrete rather in the abstract. I will say she did get feedback from a current student that all the facebook communication is pretty much irrelevant when you get here and have real people to meet. As for decluttering and packing I’m sure it will be last minute and I told her anything she leaves on her floor when she goes is mine to do with what I want so we’ll see what happens. As for down time we insisted she take AUg off to decompress and I’m sure there will be a lot of TV time and couch surfing but I think they need some of that to catch up form the intensity of high school and previous summers which is radically different from my days. I think the level of stress they need to come down form is way beyond what mine was in the 70’s and it might take a summer of doing nothing :)</p>

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<p>Regardless of whether someone has a “shopping gene” (and I personally hate to shop, so if there is such a gene, I don’t have it), laying in basic provisions and supplies is a necessary skill for adulthood, and I think sons should learn this necessary skill just as much as daughters should. Otherwise, you end up with adult men who don’t even buy their own underwear, but rather, expect the women in their lives (wives, mothers, even sisters) to buy it for them!</p>

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<p>"You should do the shopping for your son like most mothers of sons, it will take forever if you wait until he’s moving in. "</p>

<p>Both of my sons bought most of the things that they needed on one shopping trip after we brought them to school. How much stuff do students need to buy? It just took a couple of hours and was not that hard at all to do.</p>

<p>IMO taking a kid to the mall after they’ve seen their dorm room is lots easier than shopping before they get to college. Of course, if there are no malls anywhere near your kid’s college, they wouldn’t have this option. However, most of our kids aren’t going to Deep Springs college, which is in the middle of nowhere, so it would be very easy for them to get what they need at college, and to do that whether or not Mom and Dad stay around to help them.</p>

<p>If they can’t find what they need, they can always order on-line. It’s really not something for parents to stress about. The kids who are laid back about this are the ones who are wise.</p>

<p>I think the moms who are obsessing about these things are using shopping as a way of dealing with their own stress about their kids going off to college. Fine to do this if your kid welcomes the help. If not, then perhaps it would be better to deal with your upcoming empty or moving toward empty nest and devoting your time and energy to preparing yourself for this transition in your life. It’s not just the kids who have changes to prepare for in their lives.</p>

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<p>Kids who worked as hard as your son did with school and EC’s need down time. No problem. However, I read something you wrote and it stuck with me. What are you to do with yourself? You seem to regret not finishing college. Go for it! You can do it online, if need be. That would certainly take your mind off the “empty nest.” Your finishing would just reinforce how important you believe it is and set and example for your son. “Do as I do and as I say!”</p>